Hey Lasse. Your subject line caught my attention. I was where you were for such a long time. I’m only 27, but I still felt like I lived in the pits of hell for eternity. I can feel your pain, and I can only hope that it gets better for you sooner than later. It takes a lot to work through these feelings. I held onto every little thing that happened to me for as long as I could remember. I still have some days where I have issues working through resentments of my past, but I find a way to get through it. I turned to drugs and alcohol for years. It was the only thing that could help me (or so I thought) escape from the reality that I never wanted to be apart of. It numbed me. Though I made a TON of terrible decisions while in my addiction, I found a way to chase the pain away even more. I’ve been sober for 15 months. It’s seriously turned my life around. I don’t know where you’re at on the scale, and I’m not trying to sell it on you, but it has worked wonders for me. I am breaking my anonymity, but I am program. It was a total character reformation for me. It did more than just keep me away from the toxic shit I was doing to my body, but it helped me get through all the pain. It helped me work through my hate, my lack of remorse, my resentments, and thirst for wanting to die each and every single day. I guess my point is, if you do feel like you have any sort of problem with drugs, give meetings a try. Even if not, they have groups for EVERYTHING. They work if you lay all your willingness on the floor. Pain doesn’t diminish over night, but with earnestness, it can wither away. I also got really big into pilates, kickboxing, and working out in general. It channels so much of my inner aggression out while giving me empowerment. Another thing that has aided in transforming my warped thinking is writing. I’ve been keeping journals for years, but for the past year and a half I’ve learned how to write about the GOOD things in my life. Gratitude for the smallest things. Hot cups of coffee, showers, electricity. Sometimes I have to come up with the weirdest stuff to be thankful for to start my day off on the right foot. It definitely also helps to have a friend to hear you out in times where you’re feeling like this. Someone who understands where you’re coming from. On top of that, I even recently started reading up more on Buddhism after I read a book about AA and Buddhism (12 Steps On Buddha’s Path). It made me realize what a beautiful philosophy it is. It made me feel better knowing that people actually live their lives under this code. It definitely also helps me minimize the suffering in my life. Meditation was REALLY hard for me to get into the groove with, but once you have that moment where you really feel beautiful inside, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. I know this was a novel to read, but that’s what really helped this girl through some extremely dark and scary times in her life. I need to keep practicing these routines to this day to ensure I don’t fall back into the masked monster I once meandered with throughout life, waiting for my end. Again, I really hope things perk up for you. Hang in there. Know this stranger is sending you some good vibes. Smile. It’s hard sometimes, but it looks great on anyone’s face!