@Mark – thanks for your thoughtful post and sharing your experience.

The anger has subsided and now I’m back to be a little sad and depressed. I continue to have obsessive thoughts about her, her new bf, and our good times together.

I don’t want to think of her at all, so imagining them together fighting may not help for me, but I can try.

I did what you did and made a list of all things I like about myself too.

I had a dream about her on Saturday morning. It’s so symbolic. I saw her at a train station. I went up to her and said hi. She stood up and I said I wanted to see her face one last time. She reluctantly looked up at me with sad eyes and I said Good Bye. I miss you and I still loved you. She hugged me and I grabbed her head and gently brought her face close to mine where we were looking into each others’ eyes and I said I was sorry for hurting her and doing those things after the break up. She began to tear up and she asked me why I did those things. I said that I didn’t know. That I was out of control and that it was most likely because I wanted to hurt her too. We embraced tightly and I could smell her. I said I loved her and she said that she loved and missed me too. But then I said “You love “S” now” twice. I can’t remember the ending but I think I or she was walking away and that was it. I woke up very sad, naturally.

Then, I went to a little festival and wrote on a helium ballon “Good bye, S. I loved you like I loved no other. I am sorry for what happened between us. I wish you peace and happiness. I hope to see you someday again. I love you. Take care.” Then I let it go and watched it as long as I could until I couldn’t see it anymore. I almost cried.

The thing is, she wasn’t the best GF. Looking back I think there were more downs than ups. But my heart clenches on the good moments and how incredibly happy and in love I was with her. I want that back and she’s the last one who made me feel that way.

But, in my head I know she’s gone. She’s been gone for a long time. But my damned heart still doesn’t want to accept things.