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Having trouble moving on from my last relationship.

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  • #63792
    Silky
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new here. I love this site for all it’s positivity and great advice. Also, please forgive me if I am not posting in the right section.

    I wanted to reach out to the community here because I am struggling with something. I have not completely moved on from my last relationship. I don’t know if I need to give out all the details of the relationship unless you want/need to hear the back story. So, to save time here’s what’s going on in a nutshell.

    My ex GF broke up with me last September 2 days before she was supposed to move into the apartment I’m in now. It was/is the most devastating break up in my life. We’ve now been apart longer than we were together. The relationship lasted only 9 months and I’m coming up on the 1 year anniversary since the BU. Between Sept – Dec of last year were the most painful months of my life, and I am a cancer survivor!

    I just turned 40 in July and my ex turned 32 in April.

    I’m upset and frustrated because I can’t seem to let go of her. I am doing much better than I was several months ago. I have remained in No Contact (NC) for about 3 and a half months. My ex and I tried to reconcile back in April/May but it didn’t work out. She mysteriously just stopped communicating with me in May. I’ve tried to reach out to her a few times but she never responded.

    I was madly in love with my ex and she is very pretty. We were shopping for engagement rings (yes, I know we weren’t together for very long but it just felt right) and I’ve never done that with anyone else before. And, we got an apartment together.

    I am seeing a therapist and have been for several months. I don’t know if it’s helping. I tried anti-depressants but they just make things worse and the side effects are unbearable. I am trying to spend time with friends but now that I am older, I don’t have as many as I used to and making new friends is harder than it used to be. All my other friends are either married or in LTRs and don’t have much time these days to hang out.

    I’ve realized that we’re not good for each other and that we are toxic to each other as well. But as I said earlier, I was so in love with my ex and I’ve never felt a love so deep for someone before. Admittedly, I was co-dependent as well. I do suffer from abandonment issues as well as having some self esteem issues. These did complicate things at times during the relationship but I’m not to blame for all the issues. Of course, my ex had some too. But the thing is, I miss her a lot still. I feel like it’s going to be a long time before I find someone else. My ex is a unique person and that’s what drew me to her.

    Since I just turned 40, I feel like I’m in a new category in life. On the bright side, I look young (people always thing I’m in my late 20s/early 30s).

    Sorry, this got to be longer than I expected. I hope those who read this get the gist.

    What more can I do to help me move on? I still wake up thinking about her and I think about her all day. I really want to completely move on. I know people say everyone heals at their own pace but to me, I think it’s unhealthy that it’s taking longer than the relationship lasted to move on.

    Thanks for reading.

    #63793
    Charlotte
    Participant

    Hi R,

    I can completely relate to the way you’re feeling. I am going through a hard breakup myself, and I wish I had some advice to give you. All I can say is that I’ve learned to take it one day at a time, and that seems to be working for now.

    I read this article on TB the other day, and I think you may benefit from it. Good luck and take care.


    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/can-make-brain-fall-out-of-love/

    -Charlotte

    #63796
    Silky
    Participant

    Hi Charlotte,

    Thanks for your response and the link. I actually saw that the other day. The 2nd to last step is hard for me. If I imagine myself hugging my ex, or seeing her smile at me in my mind, it makes me very sad because I wish it was happening in real life.

    Now that I am 40, I am very concerned about that fact that I am single. I’m one of the only people in my circle of friends that is. I’ve asked them if they have any single female friends and literally none of them do. 🙁 The dating pool is a lot smaller now that I am older.

    I’ve had a heavy heart for almost a year now and I can’t imagine the damage my body has endured from all the anxiety, depression, and heartache I’ve had. My confidence was shattered too, so I am trying to rebuild it. To top it off, I feel very lonely. I am trying to work on these things but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be and the process in and of itself can be tiring.

    #63797
    popi
    Participant

    I feel you R but there no time limits in feelings.You can’t say that in a half year from now i must forget her or i have to move on.Feelings are feelings and are all based in belief systems.You have to persuade yourself not to think about the past and all that did hurt you.I know it’s difficult,i feel the same.I don’t have any specific advice.

    #63799
    Silky
    Participant

    @Popi – but don’t you think it’s unusual for people to still be healing when they’ve been apart from their ex longer than the relationship lasted?

    This happened to me once before. It took me a year to get over a 6 month relationship. I promised myself I’d never let that happen again and here were are, 11 months out from a 9 month relationship. I was much younger then so I had time. I feel like I am running out of time now. I’m not getting any younger.

    My other issue is I don’t know how to be happy being alone. I don’t think I ever have. I know it’s best to love yourself first, before getting into a relationship. I am learning how to do that too.

    #63807
    staranna
    Participant

    No, it’s not unusual to still yearn for an old love years later. I think sometimes the lengthy mourning period stems from a person’s inability to accept the reality of how the relationship is at the present time, in this case, over (in the physical, being together sense.) I have no doubt that you will continue to spiritually be in relationship with her even though you are apart, due to mutual energetic attachments fueled by deep emotion.

    There is a lesson in this for you to learn which is probably more about your issues stemming from you family of birth, and not from the two of you. You most likely (or most certainly) attracted this relationship precisely for the purpose of teaching you this lesson. These kinds of lessons are always a good thing…they do not come to you unless there is something you can do about it..i.e., you have the power within you to make the changes needed to release these issues, granting you the freedom for even greater love.

    It’s so true, the best cure for an old love is a new love. If you could maybe start to become a little more positive, you might speed this process along. Have heart and look on all you have…which is so much! Hey! You’ve got FRIENDS! even if they are in LTRs! and focus on all you want to have! When you find yourself thinking about the past, just stop yourself, take a deep breath, notice your surroundings and be in the here and now and say thank you. Then think about something that makes you happy. In this way, you’ll magnetize and attract into your life all the good things you desire.

    You’re 40! That’s a good thing! I’ve always thought 40 was an amazing and attractive age for humans of every gender, but often, especially for men, since quite a few of them take a while to ripen.

    By the way, you can break your energetic structures to someone (invisible strings) without without breaking your spiritual (loving) connections, so don’t fear…it is only the pain that goes away, not your sweet memories of that person.

    If you want to learn more about cutting energy cords of attachment, look up the books of Rose Rosetree.

    All the best to you!

    #63808
    Silky
    Participant

    @staranna – thank you very much for your kind and heartfelt response.

    I’m aware that many of my “issues” stem from my upbringing.

    And yes, I am trying to learn from this difficult lesson. The aftermath of what it did to me I am still repairing while, at the same time, I am learning from my mistakes.

    The only thing about finding a new love is I am not sure I am ready. On one hand, I am very lonely and would like a companion. On the other hand, my self confidence is not where it should be. Who wants to date someone who’s not quite over their ex and who’s still got some baggage? Furthermore, I’m on dating sites right now and it’s pretty awful for me. I’m not really getting any responses. But that’s a whole other topic.

    Thanks for reminding me what I should be thankful for. Sometimes I forget.

    I will definitely look up Rose Rosetree. Thank you very much!

    #63810
    staranna
    Participant

    Yes, of course you’re not ready yet; you’ve totally been through it! I’m guessing that girlfriends who look really good while tearing you apart inside are pretty hard to get over. You’re right, probably no one wants to date someone with baggage who’s not quite over his ex, but I have a feeling if they banned such folks from dating sites, the sites would go under. You could just go on dates for practice…nothing to lose. I bet you’ll start feeling more confident if you do. Staying home just tells your subconscious it’s too scary.

    Many people believe that perhaps 90% of our actions are directed by our subconscious. We think our conscious minds are in charge, joke’s on us.

    And finally…is the glass half full or half empty? whatever you focus on, good or bad, is what you’ll get more of.

    #63811
    Silky
    Participant

    @staranna – Thank you again for your response.

    Yeah, my ex really put me through the ringer. I left out A LOT of info on the dynamics of our relationship. Let’s just say she used my insecurities against me and blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. She dumped me 5 times (yes, 5!) but I kept coming back to her. After our relationship ended, I asked her (more than once) what she thought she did wrong after I told her what I thought I did wrong and she said her mistake was taking me back all those times.

    But yes, her physical beauty is one of the things that drew me to her. I know substance is very important in a person too. I’ve also read that relationships where there is a lot of drama can be addicting. I think this is true.

    Well, the thing about the dating sites is I’m not getting anywhere. This is my 3rd time on there (my last 2 GFs I met on dating sites) and this time around seems like it’s much harder for me to get a response. I have had several instances where I message a woman, she messages back, then I respond and then I never hear back from her. I’m wondering if some how my insecurities come out in my messages. I don’t think it’s my profile because I’ve had a few female friends review it and I’ve been offered suggestions on how I can improve it, which I did. So, I can’t even get any dates right now! 🙁

    Oh yeah, I am trying my best not to stay at home all the time.

    I’m slowly learning about how the subconscious affects my actions. The hard thing for me is to be able to control my thoughts and emotions. It’s more difficult than I thought it would be.

    I try to look at the glass half full. The other issue for me is the seemingly obsessive thoughts of my ex. They seem to overpower my attempts to stay positive, present, and hopeful for the future. The other battle that I constantly fight is logic vs emotions. Logically, I have accepted and come to terms that the relationship is over, and has been over for some time. My emotions still haven’t accepted it yet and for some reason, my emotions often win.

    #63812
    popi
    Participant

    @R
    NO,of course not, cause forgiveness and happiness are these things that need courage patience and time 🙂
    It’s not unusual,it’s the way you see it, if you see things positively or negatively.
    Give time to yourself but not much.If you see that you can’t overcome it and time runs out then you have to take serious decisions.For example my ex broke up with me one year ago and we had 10months relationship.I still stuggle with it.I’m better than a year ago but i’m still suffering.Although i know that the day, in which i could be free, will come.Be positive.

    2nd subject: I think that we can be happy without other people but we can be happier with them 🙂

    #63813
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi R,

    I like the simplicity of your TB name. If only our lives could be simple to define and direct, right?

    Sometimes we get so attached to what we Can’t experience in life that we miss out on what we Can experience in life. :-/ I must confess: Been there; done that! 🙂

    I certainly don’t have all the answers. I’m thinking of questions for someone in your shoes. Mine are similar. (Size 13.)

    1. What makes me happy that I can do today? (I go to the seacoast.)
    2. What can I do to help others? (I volunteer.)
    3. What have I always wanted to do – for me? (I am happy being free to choose what I do in my spare time.)
    4. What can I do to challenge myself? (I’m learning some new skills like boxing.)
    5. What am I passionate about? (Doing great work.)
    6. What am I proud of? (Getting in shape.)
    7. _____________________________________________?

    Big blue

    #63824
    popi
    Participant

    R

    Being happy alone is a bliss.
    Thoughts can lead us or destroy us,…….if you have good thoughts there’s nothing to be afraid of.
    Be kind with yourself!! IS the key.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by popi.
    #63863
    Silky
    Participant

    @popi and @Big Blue – Thanks for your kind responses.


    @popi
    – we’re on similar timelines, it seems. my relationship was 9 months and on September 26th, it will be one year. 🙁

    @Big Blue – Thank you for that list of questions. I do need to ask myself those things more often.

    What do you all recommend for this: Every morning the first thought I have when I open my eyes is of my ex. I know we are in control of our thoughts but this doesn’t seem like it’s in my control. It annoys me that she is still my first thought and that’s how my day begins. I have to fight off those thoughts and emotions from that point on. How do I stop these thoughts of her when I first wake up?

    #63864
    popi
    Participant

    oh @R i feel the same…One year and my ex doesn’t care about me even all my thoughts are concetrated in him.
    The first two-three months I used to suffer,and a lot of time later.
    If you have any social media (facebook,twitter ) in which your ex has also account,delete it.
    I did it yesterday after one year and so! Everyday i used to visit his profile until i saw (two days ago) that he is happy and maybe he found another girlfriend.He is not the person I met back then in 2012. He cut his hair even though he’s metalhead, he has friends now even though he used to be all alone,miserable etc.
    What i’m trying to say is when you stuck at the past you have to take some decisions even if it’s hard.Try for the best ,there’s no time to lose,our life is small anyway!
    I don’t want to make you feel bad for the time you’ve lost thinking of her,but i feel the same and someone must motivate you to be in a hurry.Life won’t wait for you my friend (ozzy osbourne)
    Life is beautiful and we must finally live the best we can! No worries for anyone,it doesn’t worth it!!!

    #63866
    Silky
    Participant

    @popi – my ex did me the favor by blocking me. I blocked Instagram from myself because although I’m blocked through the app, I can still see her profile by going to the Instagram website.

    I guess I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I’ve tried just about everything. Perhaps I need to sustain everything I’ve been trying. Sometimes I give up when I don’t think I’m getting the results I want.

    Yes, I am worried that I am now 40 and have spent almost a year hurting and trying to move on from my ex. Like I’ve said before, I think getting back in touch with her in April/May and us trying to reconcile really set me back all over again. :'(

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Silky.
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