Thankyou so much for your kind words pam. They really mean a lot.
It can be such a tiring experience…. i got home from work today and tried to just sit and lie in silence for about 25 minutes and i felt a little better when i got up. i then walked out to go have dinner and at dinner i continued reading a pdf book that is changing me so much for the better. its called power vs force. ive read it once but i dont know what it is about it…. it gives me hope.

so here i am living in a world where my thoughts and feelings can be so down and then with a bit of effort i can feel wonderful… its kind of too wonderful and hard to accept it if you know what i mean? like my batteries are charged when im able to spend some self healing time and time to try and ‘feel’ my awareness and consciousness and who i am.

at the same time i feel the unpleasantness just beneath the surface, even anxiety trying to push through saying that feeling good is not sustainable and such. its very tiring living in this vastly contrasting world.

i wonder if anyone else has been through a journey like this where you are in such a negative world and then you pop your head out of the storm here and there and its wonderful but confusing and scary in a good way and then you fall back into how you have been living for so long and then with a bit of effort you pop your head out again… and so forth. and it makes you really want to lose painful world you have been living in even more because you have glimpsed what its like on the other side.. it becomes frustrating and infuriating almost and stressful….

i hope this makes sense to anyone reading it who has been through something like this and can help out. i know i need patience… i sense that. i sense that im doing things pretty good to try and keep improving, its like a tug of war inside of me between my past and the loving compassionate more confident me that i feel the traces of.