October 13, 2014 at 10:19 pm #66252StrengthParticipant
I have been working hard for most of this year to improve myself as a person and discover who I really am. It’s a long tough road and whilst I know I have made a lot of gains, I still feel like I am a long way off where I think I need to get to to begin to start my real life.
I was in a relationship for 5-6 years of which is now over. She was and whilst we don’t talk to each other, still would be considered my best friend. We both have our issues of which I am working hard to address mine.
I have been hiding from the world for most of my life and living with no confidence in myself as a person, low self esteem, anxiety constantly, sadness about where my life is at and they all seem to build off each other and make every day a struggle.
Working hard to show compassion for myself, be grateful for things I do have, accept how life is at the moment and showing a high level of awareness about what is going on in my mind have been great help to get me moving in the right direction, however my body still generates its automatic responses to situations and feelings based on a long past of being a certain way.
I am sad. I miss my best friend. The first few months were horrible and she started seeing someone else, somehow I survived this emotionally and cut her off completely. As far as I know, she is no longer with that person and I think she realised that she got into it too early. I began to start to feel ok and my self development continued thanks to this site, pathway to happiness and more recently, power vs force.
But in the past month, ive been the void of missing her come back in a way that I havnt felt for a few months. It feels like im gone backwards and I come up with horrible negative thoughts in my head about things. Much of my angst comes from feeling like I don’t mean anything to her or anyone. Like our mutual friends don’t care about me anymore and that she is totally fine and doesn’t care about me. My brain mostly knows that this is not true however detaching from these feelings and thoughts is a lot easier said than done.
I have tried seeing other girls but my heart is just not in it, I have many opportunities to move on but im stuck. I hate my job but am scared to do anything about it, I don’t know how to spend time on working out what I want to do for work and I simply cannot come up with anything that I can confidently say I want to do. I just don’t have any motivation for work or much at all really and that makes me more anxious and upset.
I cannot make decisions about my future because I don’t have any self esteem or belief in myself, this makes me anxious and sad and deflect from spending time trying to figure things out, and even if I do spend time I don’t figure anything out and I feel dejected and it’s a vicious cycle between it all.
I am working extremely hard on changing my stories in my head, how I react to things and letting the world be without trying to control it. I am so hard on myself. My judge inside my head is so strong that though I am completely aware of how it is working, the stories it comes up with and I am living in a pretty high level of consciousness about all my issues and feelings and worries and everything, I still am stuck in their traps.
I feel hopeless and desperate. I have come a long way but this next step feels like a roadblock. I want to believe in myself, I want to know whether my feelings for my ex are meant to be or whether they are because I am so insecure about myself. What is real? What isn’t? how do I start to find these answers? What should I focus on first? I want to cry so much but when I directly try and let myself do it, it doesn’t quite feel like im letting everything into it.
Obviously this is just an extract and a moment in time feeling of where I am. In the past couple months, ive also had moments where I felt actually pure happiness in itself. It wasn’t for long and it wasn’t necessarily for any specific reason. I think just consciously trying to hope for the best for everything and everyone has allowed me to feel these moments. These are the glimpses of my progress, but I still feel very scrambled. The ex and work being the primary factors that I just cant seem to find answers for.
Thanks for reading. Would love to hear some thoughts or even just a bit of support because I feel very much alone with all of this.
RyanOctober 13, 2014 at 11:27 pm #66253pamelaParticipant
Hi Ryan…..Im so sorry you are having these feelings about yourself and in so much pain. Earlier this year I went thru something similar with a relationship ending after 5 years. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It took away my confidence and left me so confused and hurt. Somewhere inside of me i know it was only real to me not him. My heart wants to believe something different but my mind knows better. It sounds as though this may have thrown you into a depression and you wouldn’t be the first to have that happen. I think for now you just need to focus on you. You need to heal. You say there are glimpses of progress, well thats a start! Baby steps right now. I understand how fear can paralyze you and thats a very scary feeling. This IS just a moment in time for you..as hard as it is now it will get better. This website has helped me so much, so I’m glad you are here. You know theres a song…every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end…might sound a little trite but its true. You are on a new journey and you don’t know where it will lead you. You have a purpose and a place and so much to offer I think you just need to heal and that takes time. But it will happen. Please don’t be so hard on yourself..remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities. I believe sometimes we go thru pain and feeling hopeless only to rebound and find something amazing and wonderful on the other side. You aren’t alone and you don’t have to find all the answers at once. Be at peace be still and know the answers will come when u least expect it but when you need it most the answers will come. Soak in the positive things on this site I promise it helps. I promise I will think of you and send good thoughts your way. Im rooting for you. Take care.
pam……………..sorry so long!October 14, 2014 at 1:57 am #66257StrengthParticipant
Thankyou so much for your kind words pam. They really mean a lot.
It can be such a tiring experience…. i got home from work today and tried to just sit and lie in silence for about 25 minutes and i felt a little better when i got up. i then walked out to go have dinner and at dinner i continued reading a pdf book that is changing me so much for the better. its called power vs force. ive read it once but i dont know what it is about it…. it gives me hope.
so here i am living in a world where my thoughts and feelings can be so down and then with a bit of effort i can feel wonderful… its kind of too wonderful and hard to accept it if you know what i mean? like my batteries are charged when im able to spend some self healing time and time to try and ‘feel’ my awareness and consciousness and who i am.
at the same time i feel the unpleasantness just beneath the surface, even anxiety trying to push through saying that feeling good is not sustainable and such. its very tiring living in this vastly contrasting world.
i wonder if anyone else has been through a journey like this where you are in such a negative world and then you pop your head out of the storm here and there and its wonderful but confusing and scary in a good way and then you fall back into how you have been living for so long and then with a bit of effort you pop your head out again… and so forth. and it makes you really want to lose painful world you have been living in even more because you have glimpsed what its like on the other side.. it becomes frustrating and infuriating almost and stressful….
i hope this makes sense to anyone reading it who has been through something like this and can help out. i know i need patience… i sense that. i sense that im doing things pretty good to try and keep improving, its like a tug of war inside of me between my past and the loving compassionate more confident me that i feel the traces of.