Dear Kaushambi,

Your story sounds like my own. I am a gentle, conflict-avoidant person by nature. Conflict makes me uncomfortable and I am very sensitive to others feelings, and often take great care with them. And like you, I used to find people who are authoritative and outspoken pretty intimidating. To soothe you, this is a common experience for people like us in college. We were often raised in families where people are very aware of emotions, and then for the first time we meet people who were not raised like us. Here is what I learned:

I was in a very similar situation with a past friend. She and I didn’t remain friends- our relationship ultimately fell apart. But I learned a LOT from her. Not everyone is quiet, sweet, and peace-loving. And that’s a good thing in our world. If everyone avoided conflict, things would never change for the better. Even though I found her intimidating, I admired my friend’s self-confidence and ability to speak her mind. But I also saw that sometimes she was too harsh. I learned from her how to express myself more and not stay quiet all the time, which grew my confidence. I learned from my experiences with my ex-friend that moving toward conflict and confrontation in a COMPASSIONATE way is the key to creating change in relationships.

I would talk to your roommate before you jump to conclusions about what she thinks about you. Maybe she is just not very good at giving gentle constructive criticism. Maybe she is trying to appear professional and business-like for your project, because she feels the need to be a leader. Especially if your friend is thick-skinned and handles criticism well, maybe she thinks this is normal behavior and doesn’t realize how much her condescending tone and her words are hurting you. The fact that she continues asking for your opinion tells me that in general, she does value your ideas and input, otherwise she wouldn’t take the time to ask.

Think of it this way: by staying silent, you actually are not following your peace-loving nature. You are allowing this conflict to perpetuate, and even worsen. If it was going away, you would feel better in your heart, instead of feeling upset and watching your self-esteem plummet. You cannot control your friend; but you do have control over your own actions, and your actions have the power to influence this situation. You may be a victim of both condescension AND insecurities, but you do not have to STAY a victim.

Have a conversation with her. She seems to value honesty- tell her you want to be honest with her. Use your personal skills of empathy and understanding, but also let her know that you are hurt and offended by her actions. Focus on being honest about your feelings, not on blaming her. Be cautious to avoid passive-aggressiveness (something we ‘gentle’ people are very good at). Suggest a fair solution.

This is a very mature, compassionate approach. If she can’t handle it, and she ends up blaming everything on you rather than taking credit for her faults, then you know that the problem is with her and not you. If she can handle it and you guys work through your differences, then congrats on learning a new way to keep the peace.

– Jessa