Dear Matt,

I understand what you are explaining, and how you have described, how frustrating life must feel when you have depression and anhedonia.
I can not help you overcome depression and anhedonia, and don’t know how having no pleasure must feel, over an extended period.

When I lived in the largest city in my country I did go through a stage when I felt like a ‘zombie’, spaced out and unable to enjoy life. I had developed multi sensitivities, at it’s height even to electricity, too an extent that I had to turn off/on power switches with a wooden spoon. Today I ‘have’ too live a very quiet life, on a small farm, with little outside interacting with the world (except ‘natural’ low populated areas), my health has improved greatly over time since the move. Though I am still very restricted to where I can go and what my body will tolerate. There’s no need to go into it too much but I do actively try to ‘enjoy’ my days and try to find as much pleasure and goodness as I can. So perhaps I can talk about this?

You talk about a comparison between feeling like a robot vs human feelings. I don’t live like a robot but sometimes I feel that I live like an animal. This is to say I try to find contentment and joy in the most simplest things (the sunshine on the feathers of a bird hovering close by, how the wings of a butterfly in flight move across my yard, such things now bring contentment because I have practiced watching for beauty and opening up to the littlest bit of pleasure I can find) so I spend a lot of time watching, observing and interacting with nature and animals and try to use all my 5 senses

Animals find as much joy in their days as they can gather..the warm sun of there sides as they lay beneath the sky resting, the wind as they run through it, each other’s company …
Animals know they live in a world of flesh and blood, they accept that their lives are not all about pleasure (indeed there would be no evolution if the world was only ‘pleasure’ and we’d all be the ‘slime’ that lives at the side of the pond). They accept pain, but if they are injured they take no pleasure in it and to their whole ability try their best to push past any pain and go about their day as best as they can while they regain their health.

An exception to this is when some animals are forced to live in an unnatural environment of captivity, when they aren’t living as they want to… you might say they are given a life of ‘only pleasure’- they have as much drink and food as they wont, they never have to worry about watching out for predators, kept warm in winter etc. But many animals, especially the ones that evolved greater cognitive abilities may feel so ‘trapped and bored’ that they develop habits of thinking and acting out, that are counter productive to their health both mental and physical.

Life is not only about pleasure it’s complex and is often messy but perhaps what I felt most in your letter is the wish that you could ‘feel pleasure’ and would like suggestions?

I don’t know where to start but with questions…
Did you have a ‘nice’ childhood ? or has something else along the way hurt you emotionally that you now hide your pleasure and happiness to protect yourself from disappointment and pain?
Have you ever felt pleasure by wholesome ways ? If so perhaps open yourself up to the idea that ‘maybe I will be able to feel pleasure again’
If you are able to feel anger and frustration ? would not the opposite emotion be somewhere deep inside you as well?
Have you a loved one or pet? How do you feel about them?

Perhaps try to live a life that is gentle to yourself, and all the creatures big and small
*Have a good night sleep
*Eat a good healthy ‘Balanced’ diet – deficiencies can impact greatly
*And just as an animal shouldn’t be locked up all day and night indoors nor should we be. Exercise and spend time outdoors in the sunshine (try to do this everyday) Vit D and several vital hormones are regulated by it.
* Perhaps read up on electromagnetic radiation and it’s effects on Serotonin, dopamine
* Practice using your 5 senses when outdoors – maybe one of them is more open to feeling pleasure? People tend to not be as aware of smell unless something is very strong, I like sitting with my eyes closed and just breath it all in.
* Explore
*Try to have at least a few close friends that treat you with respect and are good for you – Even cows and chickens have best buddies they hang out with
*Seek help if you have scars from the past (great that you’ve opened up here, but maybe 1:1 with someone who’s better trained then someone like me C: )

And Matt I’ve read several of your helpful advice you’ve given others before I wrote this, and I want you to know that the ones that I read were very well written, insightful and helpful – thank you.

Warmest wishes on your path