It’s such an important step that you have recognized this pattern and that you can verbalize what’s happening and how you would like things to change.

I’m sorry to hear of your past story, I did not have such a childhood or those experiences, yet I am also working on this particular habit, as I too developed a habit of avoiding people I felt attracted to, and hiding my feelings.

I have a feeling this is something that will take time and practice to shift. I think if you frame it as a habit, that will be helpful. You’ve learned some perspectives and some habits – avoiding people you’re attracted to, etc etc. This isn’t ‘who you are’, it’s just what you’ve learned to do. These are learned things, you will notice some people learned to do things differently. And so can you too learn to do things differently, if you apply yourself over time to that cause. The question is: is your current strategy getting you what you want? It seems the answer is no. So clearly if you are to get the results you want, then changing the strategy / system is a logical necessity. The system I speak of is all of the habits and perspectives you have developed around this issue.

First thing to realize: getting adrenaline when you see somebody you’re attracted to, and feeling nervous, is something that many, many people have, and is therefore pretty normal. The difference is what happens next. Some people feel fear then they run away. Other people have learned to jump into situations, fear and all, and approach rather than avoid.

I’ve noticed that having forced myself to approach, I have ALWAYS had a better experience than those when I avoided. Not only that, but I’ve often felt really happy and exhilarated after having approached someone I’m attracted to and talked to them. When I avoid them, I start feeling annoyed, disempowered and upset. THEREFORE: The momentary, temporary discomfort you feel when approaching is far outweighed by the awesome feelings you get when you take positive action and start creating what you want in life. And of course, the relief you get from avoiding the person you’re attracted to is nowhere near as powerful as the sense of regret and annoyance you feel after you have avoided them. Once you can get that, you can realize that you may be trying to avoid pain, but you’re almost definitely sabotaging your own happiness in the process, and bringing on a different kind of pain, that in many ways is even worse as it results from you not living the life you want to!

You know, I feel this is something we’re both going to be working on for a while, but just knowing the shifts you want to make and repeatedly trying on new perspectives and breaking old habits will be enough for you to work through this eventually.

Oh, and one other thing: Did you know that loads and loads of people are too scared to approach the people they’re attracted to. If you approach, even if you’re still nervous, you’re doing way better than all those people that run away from the situation. So you haven’t got much to lose…

All the best working through this, I feel a sense of comfort in knowing I’m not alone here. Though our past is very different, and our present too, I feel that we have something in common here. I wonder who’ll snap out of it first? Ha ha!

• This reply was modified 9 years, 12 months ago by Rock Banana.