Dan, have you ever heard of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), aka Tapping or Meridian Therapy? There are a lot of books and websites about it. It’s helped me with a number of issues. The biggest problem I have with it is it seems too easy or simple to work; but it does. However, you do have to use it/do it for it to work. An analogy is for years my son claimed that the herbal remedies I use for preventing and treating colds didn’t work; they didn’t work for him because he wasn’t taking them! As I said to him, of course they didn’t work sitting in the bottle. (He takes them now, and they work.) If you are interested, let me know via a post and I can email some simple instructions I wrote up for my sister.

Although the situation wasn’t nearly as bad as yours, I did have a divorce from my son’s father after he abruptly left us when our son was only 13 months old. Way too much history to go into here, but suffice it to say that he’s still paying some child support back payments (our son is now 25 years old), as compelled by Support Enforcement (not me) to keep his driver’s license. I tried hard not to talk negatively about him to our son, who recently reestablished contact with his dad, about which I’m happy.

I have found that one way of helping with anger and resentment is to try and put myself in the other person’s place and try to understand where they are coming from. Difficult feelings are often the result of our (mis)interpretation of another’s actions. And since we can never truly crawl into another’s skin, doesn’t it make sense to put a positive spin on their actions? Even if that interpretation isn’t “accurate.” (And do we even know our own motives all the time?)

Another technique I’ve used when I’m having a problem is to imagine what I’d tell a friend who came to me with the same issue. For example, if a coworker is unfriendly or a boss is unfair, I try to put it in the best possible light. So I realize that others have their own problems which might affect their actions toward me–but it may have nothing to do with me. Perhaps my crabby coworker had a fight with their spouse, or is having financial problems. Maybe my boss is ill or worried about their own job.

Without going into a bunch of history, I do know what it’s like to feel betrayed by someone that I trusted. And it seems to me that’s what’s at the bottom of much of this: you feel betrayed. It might help if you could identify an “original” betrayal, perhaps from when you were very young, to understand why this cuts you so deep. Not to justify, just to gain insight.

You are entitled to have any feeling you have (not to act upon it however, as you clearly understand). You also seem to understand that these negative feelings are hurting you more than anyone. Have you considered that as your son gets older, he’ll be in the middle of these bad feelings between his mother and you? That can’t be good for him. But you clearly want to be part of his life. So, however entitled you are to these feelings, maybe it’s time to stop justifying them (by repeating what she and others did to “do you wrong”) and let go. As you seem to realize, you can’t go back and redo the past; you can only go forward. Wishing you peace and happiness.