February 26, 2014 at 1:19 am #51810
Hi there. I have often turned to this site in search of guidance or inspiring words to help me deal with the anger, resentment & hatred I have for the mother of my child.
This story could honestly go on for a long time, but I will try & cut it as short as possible.
An ex girlfriend (I use that loosely as she is a complete stranger now) & I have a son who is 2 & a half years old. Me & her met in November 2010 & had a short romance (3 months) during which I fell for her hard.
I was broken hearted when she dumped me but after a few months of pain I told her it had been nice knowing her, & I attempted to move on. Then after a while she texted me saying we needed to talk, she was 5 months pregnant.
A few days later I asked her was she seeing anyone to which she said “I can f*** who I want when I want”, obviously I was livid & told her I would be physically removing man parts if I found out about it.
Anyways, during the pregnancy she wouldn’t communicate with me. I never got to see a scan, never got to feel my baby kicking, she exchanged texts with me a couple of times & there was one phonecall in the 3 months before our son was born.
Then I got a text on day to say he was born. I was happy & went for a celebratory beer with my dad. Then a couple of hours later some facts started emerging; that my baby’s picture was all over Facebook 8 hours before I even knew about him being born.
Then a week later (I hadn’t met him) she text & told me he might not be mine. Then I met him 6 weeks later during which time she got him christened without me.
She was with another guy in the following months & after I asked her to get back with me & she refused, I decided I had to move away for my sanity.
I did move away & I can tell you now that the regular nightmares & anxiety attacks I had, completely vanished overnight. It was exactly the freedom I had expected, & needed.
Obviously i wasn’t running away from my son, I intended to see him again, which I did. I was however, running from the overall situation I had found myself in, & I’ve got to be honest, running from me being driven to eventually doing something drastic to I don’t know, her boyfriend? Her dad? Her cousin? In my eyes someone had to pay physical consequences, but I decided that moving away to the city was much more appealing than a jail cell.
At one point months later, after I’d moved, we were discussing getting back together & I asked why her & the other guy had finished, she said “I think he just got fed up having to share a bed with me & *****”, referring to my son. Of course I went crazy & told her I was going to damage this guy. Fortunately for him he has never crossed my path.
I think it might help if I list all the things I’m angry & resentful about…
Being excluded from the pregnancy
Missing all the scans
Not experiencing the privilege of feeling my first child kicking
Not being at the birth
Being told 8 hours after he was born during which time his pic was all over Facebook
Being told he might not be mine just to hurt me
Not meeting him until he was 6 weeks old during which time she got him christened without me
Having a boyfriend share her bed with her & my son
Not putting my name on the birth certificate
Letting me have so little access that I had to move away for my sanity
Not allowing our son to meet any of my family, or his 8 cousins
Making up lies to her solicitor about me being abusive at her sisters house during contact with my son
There are loads more, but you get the idea. One of the worst things is that she was having sex with another guy whilst pregnant with my child. I also highly suspect she had sex with countless others while pregnant too, & I have my reasons to believe this. I have wished many horrible things to happen to her & her whole family because of this. I know we weren’t together as a couple, so apparently it’s up to her what she does whether she’s pregnant or not, but I do not care, that gives me no comfort. Ask any male what they would think if they were in that situation & I’m confident most would be furious.
As it is now I travel 50 miles to see my boy every fortnight for an hour & a half. I’ve suggested we move it to my sisters house but she is not agreeable to it despite this being her suggestion before Christmas. She has once again made up lies to her solicitor about me & wants me to sign an undertaking with ridiculous accusations on it.
I am used to disappointment from her now, I’ve grown to expect it, & sadly I’ve got to the stage where i just shrug my shoulders, for example I put a picture of me & my son on Facebook 4 weeks ago & because of this I haven’t seen my boy in a month, I was told if I didn’t take the picture down she wasn’t going to let me see him (this was through a mediator, we don’t talk directly anymore). I didn’t take it down as it was a petty demand.
So, why am I telling this? Well to be honest, I think I can deal with the difficulties she’ll make me face in the future, I’ve got my life in order & I’m busy & have things to focus on.
But my big problem is all the past stuff she’s done 🙁 I really hate her for it. I have felt so much hate & there is so much to go around that I hate every single person in her entire family, her friends, people she works with, & anyone else who knows her & likes her.
I have wished her pain & suffering. I have promised myself I’ll get revenge. I have even periodically made her aware that I will never let it go, & that retribution will avail some day, via social media statuses etc.
I know it’s not healthy, but understand that she created this pain in me.
I’ve actually been loosely practicing forgiving her for around 2 years, just repeating variations of short affirmations or prayer where I’ll simply incorporate her name into it. I’ve done it on & off for 2 years & I’ve been on & off with meditation too.
But deep down my hate still lingers, it pops up now & again to let me know it’s still there. Plus it’s made even more difficult to try & get rid of when she doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t feel remorseful about it (at least not to me), as well as continues to make my life difficult.
However, I want to be free. I want to be completely free from this poison.
I am willing to make the decision today, to finally begin the process of permanently freeing myself.
Guidance please???February 26, 2014 at 5:42 am #51818@Jasmine-3Participant
Sorry to hear about the resentment and anger that you have been living with for the past couple of years.
I am glad to hear that you are ready to free yourself and now the magic will happen. All the healing that you need to do will come to you.
Just a few things that may help to bring clarity to your mind and situation:
– you know that anger, hatred and resentment is not healthy but you believe that your ex partner is responsible for it. This is not true in a spiritual sense. We are 100 % responsible for all our pain, miseries and sorrows. Your ex partner has done what she may be programmed to do for whatever reasons but you have allowed that pain to enter in your life. No one has the capacity to hurt us or harm us emotionally without our permission.
– once you are able to accept that our feelings and emotions are our own property and not something inflicted by others, you will figure out that it is not her who needs forgiving. You need to forgive yourself for causing all this pain over the last few years. You need the healing first instead of her. When you meditate, pls send healing to yourself and every cell which resides in your body and see the magic healing occur slowly but surely :).
– we landed on this planet on our own and will leave alone at the time of death, which means that everyone is on an individual journey. We cant change how people are around us or what they do with others. However, we can control our thoughts, reactions and actions to bring the most peace, love and happiness into our lives. Once our lives are filled with positivity and divinity, everything around us becomes the same.
– the purpose of every being is to be happy, loving and peaceful all the while enjoying this life’s journey. Nothing is permanent.
With this ending note, I send heaps of positive energy your way and can clearly visualise all your hatred, resentment and anger melting away including any dis-ease that you may have inherited while feeling this way.
JFebruary 26, 2014 at 6:52 am #51820
Thank you & I understand & accept much of what you’ve said, except I do not see that my ex is not responsible in any capacity.
All those special moments with my first child that I missed out on are moments I will never get back again, they are lost forever. How I feel about it is a direct result of her withholding them from me. The rage I feel about her actions such as having sex whilst pregnant with my child is a reaction to those actions. It is something that can’t be undone.
I get that we are responsible for how we feel, but how we feel can be influenced & manipulated by the actions of others. It is simply not possible in all cases to just laugh at or ignore the dreadful actions of a person towards you.
I’ve been angry so long that it has become a part of me. I’m not grumpy or anything like that, but the venom, it’s just there, deep down inside my soul. I have been in that boat of “she doesn’t deserve forgiveness” (which she doesn’t) & instead preferred to hate her, but I understand the anger is only hurting me & I’ve known that for a long time.
It hard enough trying to forgive her, but to turn around & absolve her of blame for how I feel? I don’t even like the thought of telling myself that when for me, it is not true. The things she did affected me, if she hadn’t done them I wouldn’t have felt it, therefore at the very least half of it is her responsibility.
I have always angrily ignored anything I’ve encountered about forgiving myself as I am not the culprit, however, in the interest of freeing myself I am willing to try it. I’ll incorporate it into my meditation or something.February 26, 2014 at 9:23 am #51828
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how much pressure can build inside us. Sometimes when we feel powerless, helpless, we grasp onto anger, resentment and violence as a means of trying to regain our power, our strength. This a poor choice, however, because more violence is done to ourselves, and we expend our power in the fiery chaos of hatred. Buddha taught that anger was like a hot coal we grab onto with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that actually burns is our own. Said differently, imagining punching her dad or cousin, cutting off some guys penis, or any number of horrible violent wishes you make only increases your pain.
Chogyam Trungpa called your cycle “negative negativity”. Basically, sometimes our pain becomes so intense that we feel our anger is justified, so we cling to it. Instead of seeing how the violence we imagine hurts us, harms our tender heart and mind, we hold tight to it, as though it protects us, as though it belongs there. For instance, “she had sex with a man while pregnant with my son” seems to produce an overwhelming need to beat someone up, cut and maim someone. But, that type of blossom is not inherent, it doesn’t have to be there. Its ugly in its arising, ugly in its staying, and ugly on its leaving. Said differently, when you become enraged, it hurts your mind and heart even if you don’t act on it, but even more so if you did. If you went and cut off that mans penis, what would really happen? Would it make anything better? Would it heal your tender heart? Would it solve your fear of being unimportant and ignored? Nope. It would become just one more cause of your suffering, one more thorn in your foot.
The solution is to cut it out. Murder that anger, destroy it, throw all your weight and strength against it and grind it into the dust. Its a shit-caked downward spiral, and to pull out of it requires strength. Much like in old aircraft, pilots sometimes would hurt their arms from the exertion of trying to pull out of a nose dive, so must we crash our will against our negative negativity.
If I were in her shoes, I would not have been as kind to you. Had you approached me with the venom in your heart, threats of violence and aggression (plus god knows what else you have said and done not reported here), you would not be welcome in my or my child’s life. If you went to the courts, I would of course submit to the greater will, but only what was required of me. That would be my right, my responsibility to protect our child from you and your venom. If you could cut off some balls or kill my father, what horror might you inflict upon our child? What kind of demon are you? My fear would be rational, my boundaries protective and appropriate. You act as though I would have done this to you, placed this anger inside your chest, but that’s not going to cut it, not going to work on me. You own your own feelings, and I owe you nothing. Nothing! Sure, perhaps I could be kinder, more understanding of your side, but let’s face it… we dont lean into a rampaging bull to give it a kiss.
So there you sit, throwing a temper tantrum like a little boy with grown up muscles, ideas and plans, but a child nonetheless. You see some people building a sandcastle that they don’t want you to play with, and your gut flashing rage is to go kick it over, teach them not to mess with you, not to ignore you. Instead of building your own sandcastle, you sit and stew in bitterness, and wish theirs would burn, erode… that they feel the same hurt you feel. Then what an incredible amount of creativity comes up of just how you could bring suffering to them, punish them, destroy them.
Ick. Really ick. Look at it, sure, breathe it in, and then blow that shit out, son. It ain’t the way. Consider a different approach.
Consider that a Buddha, someone with no self grasping, no pushy desires were to experience her and her choices, they would see something very different. They would see the girl, scared and lost, looking for safety. Reaching out unskillfully sometimes, but still a sister that cycles through emotions just like everyone else. After the delivery, a Buddha would have deep compassion for her and her child. Its scary to be a parent, especially when the dad is violent or abusive. Its difficult to give birth, ten centimeters doesn’t seem like all that much, until its getting pushed out your cervix and vagina. Tearing, cutting, stretching, pushing, weeping, screaming… hours and hours that girl’s body thrashed and moaned. (Or, her abdomen was sliced open with knives). In the spaciousness of compassion, a Buddha would be supportive, helpful. Not “do this or that, be this or that, how could you do this or that”… just “be peaceful, rest, sleep… your body just went through a big thing, try to rest, relax”.
In contrast, what did Dan have? “Oh my freaking god, she waited 8 hours? I’m less important than Facebook?” Where the understanding? Wheres the caring? Why so selfish? Said differently, when we can see what a compassionate response actually looks like, we can begin to actually heal, actually begin to relate to what is going on with us, what our pain is that makes us selfish. At the birth, for instance, perhaps you feel like because you donated the genetic material, you should have been called first. But you aren’t a part of her life, not really… so it makes sense that shed share it with her loved ones first. Be glad she told you after only 5 months, some fathers don’t hear for years. I actually found out about a niece I have a few months ago (her mom cheated on her husband with my brother) and she just turned 7. So for 6 years, nothing. And you get all twisted up over 8 hours? Get some perspective, man!
Finally, consider trying to set aside the puzzle of forgiveness for a little while and switch to self nurturing. Be kind to yourself, gentle to yourself. Perhaps get some therapy. Spend time sitting and intentionally relaxing in a quiet, soft space. A bathtub, soft music, nature walk, meditation cushion. Thus fiery anger comes from stress, and letting the stress settle can make things much, much simpler. My favorite is metta meditation, which is simple, direct, and often like a soothing cool glass of water for our angry fire. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.
I hope you find peace and contentment, friend, and I hope nothing stung too badly. When we break a bone and it heals wrong, we often have to rebreak it to set it right. The pain here is just that, just try to breathe it out, scream it out, or whatever you need to do, but let the pattern of negativity go. It harms you far more than she has, than anyone else could… and you don’t need it.
MattFebruary 26, 2014 at 3:27 pm #51865
Yeah that negative negativity definitely sounds like how I’ve felt; not wanting to forgive & forget because the anger is “justified”, even though I’ve always known it hurts me, hence why I’ve dabbled in trying to heal myself for the past 2 years.
I appreciate everything you’ve said to me Matt. I have had people tell me things before, but the way you’ve put it has been the most meaningful. Most others were just like “get over it” or “stop dwelling on the past”, all very vague & easy to say stuff, but your analogies do go some way to putting things in perspective.
I’m not going to lie & tell you that all of a sudden everything has become clear to me & that I’ve been in the wrong the whole time, but a lot of what you’ve said is thought provoking, for example the birth; I have always tried to consider what she went through (a horrible painful birth for which she required surgery after) & be compassionate in that sense, then my thoughts would get overwritten & outnumbered by the other ways I felt wronged & then I’d disregard what she went through. The main reason I’d disregard her physical pain at birth is because of her being sexual with other men while carrying my son. I have reason to believe she was literally gang banging while pregnant. I also think she may have had whichever guy was in her life at the time at the birth of MY son. She might have had the guy at MY sons christening.
I have so many unanswered questions, fueled in part by her putting up things like “if only you knew ;)” etc… If only I knew what? This in turn leads me to assume things.
I am not a violent abusive person despite what you might have perceived. I do accept that I have probably sounded so, but anything I have felt has been a result to being treated like shit first. The rage that developed in my soul was not there before she started doing what she did. I know I’m fighting a losing battle by going over it & going over it & going over it. I don’t even know what i would want to happen or how I would want her to “suffer”, because if I heard that another man had physically hurt her, despite me hating her I would go absolutely crazy about it. I think the “wanting her to suffer” is simply me banging my head repeatedly off a brick wall.
Banging my head off a brick wall.
In my “justified” redemption I mentally prepared a list of around 10 men I have grievances with. All men I know, or suspect, that she had sex with before she discovered she was pregnant (if that bit is true & she didn’t know she was pregnant until 5 months). I didn’t care that they didn’t know there was a baby, in my eyes that is just tough luck lads.
Banging my head off a brick wall, & keeping me in pain. I don’t know how punching these guys is meant to help. I thought that hurting people like this would be the suffering I wanted for her, by her knowing they got punched because of how she behaved. Completely irrational I know. But the good thing is nothing has happened & I will probably rid myself of hate & venom before any of them cross my path.
I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person, who has been treated badly.
I like your analogy about the sandcastle. Yes it is true, but I did go on to build my own castle. I moved away & made a new life for myself.
Lately I have been thinking about all the things that have come into my life through this horrible experience, to try & help my healing process. There’s the fact I moved away in the first place to a big city where there are millions of opportunities, I have started doing a degree in psychology, I took up boxing which is my favorite sport & is an outlet for my frustration, I am meeting new people & new girls regularly, I have made new friends. There’s loads more, but the point is none of it would have happened had she not screwed me over.
It’s a bit bittersweet, & I find it difficult to be thankful for all the positive changes that have happened in my life when it was through experiencing all that pain which put me here, but it is what it is, & here I am.
I don’t like this hatred rearing it’s ugly head from time to time. It’s going to be difficult to dissolve especially as she is currently causing me ongoing pain by telling lies to legal representatives etc, & is due to cause me more in the future, but I’ve made the decision to heal, & that’s what I will do.February 26, 2014 at 4:42 pm #51869@Jasmine-3Participant
Thanks Matt for your beautiful insight 🙂
I am glad Dan that you are able to relate to Matt’s wisdom. He is an amazing soul with so much simplicity in his words.
Dan, wish you all the best in your journey and I am sure one day, you will be past all of this and living a conscious life. In my personal opinion, spirituality provides all the answers to your grievances but for that you will need to be ready for this knowledge. When the time is right, it will come to you. On a positive note, I feel your healing has already started so keep up with the good work.
JFebruary 26, 2014 at 5:25 pm #51877
I don’t see you as an abusive person, just a brother working with others unskillfully. And, I’m not all that concerned about the others, but rather how your unskillfulness hurts you. Where negative negativity is a slippery slope into compression, tormenting mental states, and painful emotions, compassion is an upward cycle toward joyousness and contentment. Said differently, you going and punching people for gangbanging your ex is not that big of a deal, really. The big problem is that list.
You call it a list of 10 men that have done you wrong, and I call that view bullshit. That is a list of ten boulders that remain on your shoulders, sucking away your strength and joy. Consider how heavy it feels to carry all that pain around, how much pain you bring to yourself by keeping that list. Like a treasure, wrapped tightly in your arms, hoarding it, savoring it… so painful, so vibrant. When we begin healing from abuse we’ve suffered, we have to find forgiveness. However, we don’t forgive them for them, not really, we do it to unload the backpack, toss off the boulders, scrap the list. Otherwise, what happens is just like you’ve seen. The joy we have becomes tainted, shadowed. We progress, but our step is heavier, less fun, isolated. So we burn that list. Even through gritted teeth if need be, but we steer our will into it, with as much authenticity as we can muster.
Now, this doesn’t mean you’ve been in the wrong the whole time, that is an illusion to help you let go… find some humility. Of course her actions hurt… but seriously, you’re basically giving all your power to her, remaining trapped by her actions, lovers, and family. And not because of anything they do, they’re just doing what they do. Maybe she did gangbang like a madwoman while she was pregnant. How long do you want to let your hand burn for that? How long do you wish to carry her actions as a load? Why do you even bother making it about you?
Consider as an affirmation: “For whatever I did to bring about this suffering, may it settle, erode, and be gone. I forgive myself for my unskillfulness. May I be free. For whatever they did to bring about this suffering, may it settle, erode, and be gone. I forgive them for their unskillfulness. May we be free.”
Perhaps the first few times, your teeth will grit, your heart may churn… but consider keeping at it. We’re talking about your freedom here… and all the aim in the world won’t help if you don’t invest the willpower it takes to kill the cycle of negativity. Imagine, for a moment, how wonderful and freeing it would be to have a blank page, instead of one with scribbled names all over it. You could paint, draw or write whatever you want!
MattFebruary 26, 2014 at 8:06 pm #51884
Ideally I’d like to have both revenge AND to be able to heal, but I know I can’t necessarily have both. It’s one or the other, & one likely leads to jail, which would be quite foolish after how far I’ve come & the awesome life I have shaped & continue to shape for myself.
It’s the biggest theme in forgiveness “the best revenge is to live well” & other very closely worded & associated affirmations. Whenever you’re in anger & resentment this is definitely the last thing you want – that much is also well documented & acknowledged alongside the above affirmation. I have always carried all of those thoughts “it’s not my fault I’m angry” “I can’t let them away with it” “I don’t want to let them off without facing retribution” “everyone must be held accountable for their actions, even if it takes me 20 years”. In my head this was justified, & maybe it really would be truly justified if I did get revenge, I mean who’s to say that – spirituality aside – that they don’t deserve it? However I know it is the wrong way for me longer term.
Im not a total believer in karma, but I do understand the concept. So if the universe believes – like me – that some people involved here have done wrong, then hopefully they will face whatever consequence they deserve.
I have let her actions burn my soul for 2 & a half years. I no longer want to burn.
Carrying her actions comforted & justified my anger & what I wanted to do. I no longer want to be angry.
I made it about me because she was carrying my son in her belly. There is no undoing what she done.
At times when she pushed my buttons & wound me up I told her she wouldn’t be laughing in 15 years when her son discovers what she did when she was carrying him. That to me would yes be making her suffer the shame & regret of her son knowing what she did, but I would also be making my son suffer too right? So it maybe wouldn’t be the best idea. Plus that would mean carrying it with he for all those years…. But then, don’t I carry it with me anyway? I mean, it did happen & it’s not like I can wipe it from my memory. It’s always going to be there no matter how many years pass. I only WISH I could wipe it from my memory.
What about the unanswered questions I have? How do I forgive things that I don’t even know the full extent of? And is it even possible to move on from what I deem to be unforgivable since there is no changing what has been done?
Thanks for the affirmation, I’ll use it.
I’ll also do the self nurturing. I’m willing to try anything. I do have some interesting activities going on anyways, I’ll just focus on them.
Here is the affirmation I have pieced together over 2 years chopping & changing different parts of different prayer & affirmations. Most recently edited today…
“I fully & freely forgive you ***** for all the pain you have caused me in the past, both intentionally & unintentionally, through your thoughts, words & actions. I choose to completely forgive everything connected with the matter in question & you are no longer accountable to me for any of it. However you may have caused me pain in the past, I forgive you. For whatever pain you currently trying to inflict on me, I forgive you. For any pain you will attempt to cause me in the future, I forgive you. I am choosing to be free from all my hatred & resentment towards you. I forgive you *****. I am free & you are free.”
I will say this affirmation many times every day. I used a short variation on & off for 2 years & I think it worked a little bit for about 2 months back around last September. Any suggestion on how I should use it? Should I say it over & over as I meditate? Should I say it in the morning? At night?February 26, 2014 at 9:31 pm #51888
You can’t have both revenge and healing, that just isn’t an option… and not because of jail. The desire for revenge directly counteracts the energy of healing. Much like a large hole quickly sinks a boat. Dan, one of the things that seems to be difficult for you to see is that the events that happened don’t have any inherent meaning… only the meaning you give it. For instance, her actions are being seen as “unforgivable” by you… but that’s all on your side, independent of her actions. Said differently, because of your anger, your brain shoots these judgments backward in time… and produces suffering in your head and body. If you settle the anger, grieve and let go, those actions won’t look the same, won’t remain painful. Perhaps some sorrow that the exs suffering was so deep she would do that to her body, but it will remain all about her.
Consider it perhaps in a different way. You’re treating her like your possession. Her having sex with someone is all about you, someone else defacing your property. Baby or not, that’s a highly abusive and wrong view. She’s not yours, and you have no right to dictate her actions in any way. Baby or not. That’s just a rope you’ve tied around her in your mind, binding her to you… and as you do that, you bring all this pain with it. Cut the damn rope, dummy. Stop making her actions all about you… they aren’t. If she decides to get a tatoo of “5¢ rides” on her body, not your issue. If she sluts it up with the whole of Nebraska, not your issue. Not your issue, and not your right to stop her. Said differently, you have no control, deserve no control, and suffer when you ignore or overlook that.
I don’t wish to be invalidating to your pain, because I know how hard grief can hit. Yes, its painful, I know, believe me. There are abuses far greater than what she did to you, and many have found complete forgiveness and joy. Its an option, an invitation, coming from one who has spent some time on the fire and then found freedom.
For the affirmation, consider reworking it in a way that takes responsibility for your own pain. Not “for all the pain she caused me” (as though you’re a victim) and instead “for all the pain, whatever the causes”. Consider that in our pain, in our grief, we’re not very good at seeing where our pain is coming from. Better to widen it to “whatever the cause” just in case Buddha was right, and she isn’t the cause of the pain… you are. Also, at the end you declare her free, which is not your right to say. She is free or not free based on her actions, its not something you can give her, grant her, or take from her. Also, saying “I am free” isn’t that great because its false, or you wouldn’t need the affirmations… where “may I be free” is an intention, a wish, and a willingness to grow toward freedom. See the difference?
For a little while, until it untangles a little, perhaps you could use the affirmation in my previous post. I’m not usually one to suggest someone use another’s words in favor of their own, but negative negativity is particularly tricky. Especially when we keep clinging to revenge as an option we wish we could take. With as much authenticity as you can muster, brother, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
As far as when, a few times before metta meditation in the morning. Try to unclench the gritted teeth quality, slow it down, feel the pulse of it. Then, move on, to the metta cultivation or breath awareness or whatnot. If you wish to have something to focus on during the day, such as if the shadows begin to deepen, venom rising… consider a metta mantra.
“May I be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to me. May I always meet with spiritual success. May I also have patience, courage, understanding and determination, to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life. May I always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.”
You can also say it as a prayer for another, friend or foe. “May he/she/they/teachers/friends/all living beings be well, happy, and peaceful…”. As the mantra is repeated, it grows in our subconscious and produces peacefulness, smoothness, concentration, and space.
All that being said, I think you’re doing great. I know some of this stuff is tricky, and when we have pain inside us its often a tough time to try to approach this stuff. But when the wound has cankered, the grief doesn’t really fade until we do, so its just a little bleh as we dance here. I believe in you, and see your beauty, dear friend. May you be free.
MattFebruary 27, 2014 at 7:50 am #51907
I understand my feelings are my own, & many people have said to me things like “you should just cut yourself off from feeling” or “you care too much” or “just rise above it” & other variations.
Instead I’ve always comforted myself in the knowledge that “one day” I will get my own back. Which ironically doesn’t give much comfort to my soul does it? But rather, hurts it.
One of my cousins, at around the same time as me, got the girl he was seeing pregnant. Did he stick around? No. Was he delighted & over the moon? No. Did he step up & be a man, embracing this opportunity? No.
Not a single shit was given by this guy. He wanted her to have an abortion. He wouldn’t talk to her. She actually confided in me & I kept her head above the water when she was feeling down, kept her sane. Our situations were the same only the other way around, vice versa. My cousins child lives one mile away & he very rarely see’s him, if at all, which is through choice. Me? I travel 50 miles just to see my boy for an hour & a half.
I know many people who have children they don’t care about, so it makes me proud that I will never give up on mine, if a little resentful of the fact I have to jump through so many hoops when these other people have the unconditional opportunities there in front of them yet threw them away. I’ve missed a lot & I’ll never get that time back, but again, it is what it is. Maybe some day my ex will look in the mirror & she will realize what a complete c*** she has been to the father of her child. Maybe she already has.
I’m attempting to look at myself from an outside perspective. Not someone elses perspective, but just outside looking in. I’ve had anger for all this time & now I’m going to actively work on my healing daily. I hope that all the things I have allowed to hurt me fade away in time.
The forgiveness for her actions & all that, I know what I’m working with there, however what about all my unanswered questions? How do I get past those? Rather than me continuing to be burdened with “one day I’ll get my answers”.
I’ll use your affirmations, & again edit my own one until it’s perfect.February 27, 2014 at 8:42 am #51909
Consider that the answers won’t actually give you anything. They won’t bring peace, they won’t make you happy, won’t give you closure or healing. They’re just another push of control… as if knowing what has happened in another’s story will make ours make sense, make us better prepared, arm us better for the war we will have to fight. As the need for war settles, so do the questions, the push inside to know all the battle lines evaporates when we see there are no lines, no cause for the war in the first place.
This is why forgiving “no matter what causes” is so potent for us. It frees us without having to know, making knowing an unnecessary component to moving on, healing, becoming peaceful with what we have done and what was done to us.
Finally, consider that no affirmation of healing we write for ourselves is perfect, because when we are smooth minded enough to write it perfectly, it is already unnecessary.
MattFebruary 27, 2014 at 11:39 am #51924
Ok, the three affirmations are written out. Here is my own one, edited again…
“I fully & freely forgive you ***** for all my past pain, whatever the causes, both intentionally or unintentionally, through your thoughts, words & actions. I choose to completely forgive everything connected with the matter in question, & you are no longer accountable to me for any of it. However I may have experienced pain in the past, I forgive you. For the pain I experience in the present, I forgive you. For any pain I may experience in the future, I forgive you. I am choosing to be free from all my hatred towards you, I wish to be released from my anger towards you, & I will no longer hold resentment towards you. I forgive you *****. May I be free from all of my hurts & my pain”
I think I am a actually a little bit excited about this!! Which is surely a good sign 🙂
Thank you so much for helping meFebruary 27, 2014 at 12:07 pm #51926
You’re welcome, good luck!February 28, 2014 at 7:01 am #51987AnonymousInactive
This is a very difficult situation and I can only imagine the heaviness that you feel in your heart and the pain you carry. Let me start by saying that no matter how angry you are revenge will not make you feel better, as it will only add to the void that is inside of you. You cannot combat darkness with darkness only with light and love. You see she is damaged and a damaged person doesn’t have the capacity to understand that their actions cause havoc in the lives of others and they end up hurting those whom they love the most. What has been done to you is not fair and you deserved to be a part of this child’s introduction into the world, but that time has passed and it is never coming back. However what you do have is the present and I pray a long wonderful future with the blessing that is your son. Anger is an emotion that cannot be kept contained and it can destroy all that it touches, even your innocent son. Let the anger go not just for you but for him, so that the two of you can bond and grow and love one another without the interference of the baggage of the past. You deserve a better life, and forgiveness lightens and frees.
There is a saying that I have heard many times “It takes a strong person to say sorry, but an even stronger person to forgive.” I will be praying for you and this situation and may God touch your heart help you find a way.
NatalieFebruary 28, 2014 at 7:07 pm #52036
Thank you Natalie. I am throwing myself into deep meditation & repeating the affirmations.
For too long I’ve had this weight dragging my soul across the ground & I am determined to release myself once & for all.
I have seen that saying many times & have always thought “nope, it definitely doesn’t take a stronger person to forgive” because my eyes were so filled with rage & there was simply no way I was letting go. I’m still not sure if it does take a stronger person to forgive because peculiarly it feels like I’m giving away power & letting everyone off with the things I’d “invested” so much time & energy being angry about & hoping bad things would happen or even planning to do bad things in retaliation.
However, I now know that I was ruining my life even more than what I feel her actions did back then, by going over it in my head all the time & plotting revenge.
Whether forgiving is the higher power or takes the stronger person (I really hope it is) I know it is what has to be done.
I’m mentally prepared for even more hardships as it is now going forward to a court issue & I know that if I don’t work on my healing I’ll be in for more tough years. So I’m already affirming that I forgive her for whatever she is going to throw at me.
Today I had a an epiphany of sorts. I was viewing my pain from an outsider perspective, & realized that by going about my everyday life, hurting, was pointless. The people I hate go about their lives pain free (although I would have hoped some knew I was “gunning for them” & so were scared) & yet I’m carrying on with a decomposing soul.
No more 🙂 I embrace freedom.