(This is my first post so please let me know if my interjection belongs elsewhere, or anything else I may not be aware of when posting.)

I am in a similar situation with the man that I live with and love, and feel that we have a very special connection.

Thank you both Kath and Vhanon, for sharing your thoughts. I have found this all more helpful than I can explain and am truly grateful for this.

I am in a difficult position. I love him dearly. We are good companions, good company, have done much growing together and I am confident that we could be happy and grow old well together. The problem is that, while he does not have an alcohol problem, he has behaviors that seem too manipulative for me to bear and at the same time maintain my own sanity. He too has mood swings, is often not able to consider my view in conversations or decisions, does the guilt thing, and is unreliable with his decisions.

I also have struggled with the idea of “good” and “bad” in terms of the manipulation. I actually do not feel he is aware his behavior seems manipulative and just does it as a subconscious pattern, which makes me wonder if that matters. I really appreciate the analogy of the fly and the spider Vhanon, that makes much sense.

Thank you Kath, I think I need to give “spinning solo” more thought.

Part of the difficulty I struggle with, and wonder if it is the same for you Kath, is that I can see that he is suffering, and seems lost to helping himself in some of his ways. I feel that I know we can be wonderful together, if only he could rely on my strengths where he is lacking.

I am not saying that I am better than him, just that I wish he could allow himself to trust my strengths in certain areas, just as I do trust and rely on him in areas that I feel inexperienced with.

The problem though is, what I see as his biggest weakness is that he is lacking in insight. He is unaware of his emotions, how they relate to his behavior, and how that relates to others. He is self centered but I do not hold this against him, it just seems like he is lacking in his own awareness about his feelings and he isn’t even aware that he, for ex. was stomping about or being passive aggressive, until I point it out to him.

I wonder if it is this way for you Kath… I think if he were another person that I didn’t have figured out so well, then I could just label him as “bad” and move on. However, because I know him so intimately, I can see his pain and struggle. I can even feel that I understand the origin of his struggles and emotions even while he himself is so unaware of his own state. I feel like because it seems so simple to me, that if only he could wear my “eyes” for a day and understand what is going on for him, that it would all make sense. That he would see the potential, the path, and see how simple it actually is, and see that I can help him, and he can help me and that it is all actually clearly possible for us to be a very good thing for one another, and how we can actually use the differences of our strengths and weaknesses to compliment one another into something more wonderful. (Instead of what is now happening)

Unfortunately, I am faced with the reality, that his eyes are his, and we can not borrow one another’s perspectives.