Hi Sayoko,

As it’s only been a month, I think I agree with Robert Singh (in the previous post) and would say wait a little while longer. But I’d also advise you to keep a level head and not get super emotionally attached to this guy just yet. And that if/when you do decide to have this conversation, pay attention to how you go about it, and make sure it is open and kind, and not accusatory. Based on what you said, it sounds like you’re not the kind of person to do that anyway, or at least that you care enough about him to not go into it like that.

A few years ago, I started getting together with a guy who I had had a thing for in the back of my mind since I met him. There was definitely a connection for both of us when we first met (this was freshman year of college), but it so happened he ended up dating this other girl for awhile. Fast forward to when they broke up, and we started seeing each other. After about a month or so, he tells me that he thinks he was actually just using me to “fill in the void” he felt after his last girlfriend broke up with him. Which apparently, at the time, wasn’t that long ago. Basically, I was a rebound. Nothing conclusive was said after that, and things kind of just fizzled out afterwards… meaning he basically decided to simply not talk to me anymore. Although we never entered into an “official” relationship, I definitely liked him and was very hurt. I’m telling this story just as an example of what can happen if you get too attached too quickly to someone who isn’t over someone else, or who hasn’t had efficient time to heal. Though of course, everyone’s different.

Fast forward to the end of college (last year), and I sort of took the reverse position. I dated my first serious boyfriend for over 2 years (similar to your situation), and we ended up breaking up last year for a number of reasons. Nevertheless, I was completely heartbroken and hurt, and it was made worse later on at the end of the summer, but that’s a different story. Anyway, that summer after graduation, I started seeing this guy at home. Wanting to avoid getting swept up in a “rebound relationship” and hurting both myself and him, I made sure to take things very slowly. And he didn’t push me either. I think if he had tried to ask me too many questions about my last relationship at that point, it may not have been good for us. I wasn’t ready. We both knew, however, that at the end of the summer he would go back to school and I was moving away to work abroad for a year. There was no point in either of us starting anything serious anyway. So that sort of gave us an out. However, although we’re apart now, we continue to talk, and I’ve had a lot more time to heal. I don’t know what will happen with us, if anything, when I go back home, but the point is I’m in a much better position in my life to start something a bit more serious if I want to. So I would advise giving your guy a little more time, too. Of course, there comes a point where you need to know his true feelings and what his intentions are, but as long as you’re ok with it, I would say ride it out for a little while longer, and look for signs from him on how he’s feeling. When the time comes, it will be important to talk about these things, but as long as YOU feel like he isn’t just using you and you’re ok with waiting a bit, I’d suggest that.

Sorry for the long anecdotes, just thought they might help. Good luck!!