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January 28, 2015 at 7:09 am #72011
LParticipantHi Sayoko,
As it’s only been a month, I think I agree with Robert Singh (in the previous post) and would say wait a little while longer. But I’d also advise you to keep a level head and not get super emotionally attached to this guy just yet. And that if/when you do decide to have this conversation, pay attention to how you go about it, and make sure it is open and kind, and not accusatory. Based on what you said, it sounds like you’re not the kind of person to do that anyway, or at least that you care enough about him to not go into it like that.
A few years ago, I started getting together with a guy who I had had a thing for in the back of my mind since I met him. There was definitely a connection for both of us when we first met (this was freshman year of college), but it so happened he ended up dating this other girl for awhile. Fast forward to when they broke up, and we started seeing each other. After about a month or so, he tells me that he thinks he was actually just using me to “fill in the void” he felt after his last girlfriend broke up with him. Which apparently, at the time, wasn’t that long ago. Basically, I was a rebound. Nothing conclusive was said after that, and things kind of just fizzled out afterwards… meaning he basically decided to simply not talk to me anymore. Although we never entered into an “official” relationship, I definitely liked him and was very hurt. I’m telling this story just as an example of what can happen if you get too attached too quickly to someone who isn’t over someone else, or who hasn’t had efficient time to heal. Though of course, everyone’s different.
Fast forward to the end of college (last year), and I sort of took the reverse position. I dated my first serious boyfriend for over 2 years (similar to your situation), and we ended up breaking up last year for a number of reasons. Nevertheless, I was completely heartbroken and hurt, and it was made worse later on at the end of the summer, but that’s a different story. Anyway, that summer after graduation, I started seeing this guy at home. Wanting to avoid getting swept up in a “rebound relationship” and hurting both myself and him, I made sure to take things very slowly. And he didn’t push me either. I think if he had tried to ask me too many questions about my last relationship at that point, it may not have been good for us. I wasn’t ready. We both knew, however, that at the end of the summer he would go back to school and I was moving away to work abroad for a year. There was no point in either of us starting anything serious anyway. So that sort of gave us an out. However, although we’re apart now, we continue to talk, and I’ve had a lot more time to heal. I don’t know what will happen with us, if anything, when I go back home, but the point is I’m in a much better position in my life to start something a bit more serious if I want to. So I would advise giving your guy a little more time, too. Of course, there comes a point where you need to know his true feelings and what his intentions are, but as long as you’re ok with it, I would say ride it out for a little while longer, and look for signs from him on how he’s feeling. When the time comes, it will be important to talk about these things, but as long as YOU feel like he isn’t just using you and you’re ok with waiting a bit, I’d suggest that.
Sorry for the long anecdotes, just thought they might help. Good luck!!
January 28, 2015 at 6:35 am #72010LParticipantHi Maggie Black,
Thank you very much for your reply. You made some interesting points. I don’t deny that we had a really nice connection, however it’s also worth noting that he was only in town for a week or two. He told me that night that he wanted to see me the next day (the last day he would be in town), but I didn’t make that happen. So now he’s gone. I have his number but he doesn’t have mine, and I haven’t contacted him. If he were to be around, I would probably ask him what his intentions with her are. But I guess it was meant to be nothing more than a fleeting encounter anyway, and I suppose something for me to learn from. Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. It’s helped me think about things.
January 28, 2015 at 6:30 am #72008LParticipantHi Mike,
Thank you for your response. Yes, I agree about the importance of having the presence of mind to change our actions in the moment. I have been taking many steps to try and develop practices that allow me to live mindfully and in the present moment. However, it’s interesting you mention the “tactics” of the other person. Because this guy I was talking about kept trying to convince me that everything was fine, that “you only live once” and that I should just be thinking about the here and now. At the time he was trying to convince me to go back to his place with him but I couldn’t let myself do that. But it’s weird, because I could have taken the idea of “living in the present moment” in the way he wanted me to take it, or I could have taken it as deciding then and there it wasn’t right and taking myself out of the situation. A bit confusing, really. Both make sense to an extent, but in the end the moral thing to do is the second choice isn’t it.
January 28, 2015 at 6:23 am #72007LParticipantInky,
Really well said. Thanks so much for your reply. Well his last weekend in town was last weekend, so I guess I wasn’t really going to see too much more of him anyway. However, I had his number but made a point not to contact him or end up giving him mine. He kept saying he wanted to see me the next day, but I didn’t promise that or make it happen. So now he’s back in England where he came from, and that’s it. Maybe something nice could have started if a lot of circumstances had been different, but no use pondering that. I will certainly keep in mind what you said about the “crossroads” when it comes time I have to make a decision like that again, involving “shoulds” and “what happens a lot in reality.” I think I’m still in the midst of reevaluating things in this aspect of my life and putting myself back together in a way I like after my last break up. Just another challenge to learn from and grow, I suppose.
Thanks so much again.
December 24, 2014 at 5:10 am #69760LParticipantHi purnita,
You said yourself that “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” However, there’s only so much you can do. Give him and his family some time to come around and work things out, but don’t wait around forever. You have to do what you need to do in order to make you happy. Eventually, that could mean leaving behind the relationship. You can’t force anything, you can only give things your best shot and then let it be. Don’t torture yourself with images of what “has to be” or what “should be,” and just concentrate more on “what is” and knowing yourself. I think that knowing yourself is how you will figure out if he is really the one god sent for you.
Hope I could help!December 22, 2014 at 3:18 am #69637LParticipantDude,
Thank you for your post. It seems like you can relate to my situation, and have had some pretty hard times yourself. Lucky for me, my ex lives quite far away from me, so it helped a bit with the healing process. But I know what you mean, time is definitely a scary thing. But it’s all how we perceive it. Because you’re right, who really knows what “normal” is. I guess we can’t focus too much on the passage of time and try our best to stay as present as possible, but I think time will help us become stronger. I wish you luck with your new relationship (it sounds like this person may be better for you) and with managing your anxiety, and I encourage you to keep doing the things that make you happy! It’s our lives after all!
Sending hugs and support your way:)December 22, 2014 at 3:12 am #69636LParticipantbelove,
Thank you so much, I completely agree with what you’re saying. The more attention I give to this situation, the more attached I stay. Definitely just trying to focus on myself for now. And you’re right, if it was meant to be, it would have been. I gave it my bet shot and that’s all I could have done. And I will for sure check out your blog, thanks again!
December 22, 2014 at 3:10 am #69635LParticipantCathy,
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. I totally know what you mean, sometimes even just venting helps a lot. Try your best to stay as present as possible, and be proud of yourself for taking those “risks you thought you’d never be able to take again.” And don’t stop taking them. Much much love to you, I’m sure everything will start looking up soon<3December 22, 2014 at 3:06 am #69634LParticipantThanks so much, praying for you as well!!!
November 29, 2014 at 6:42 am #68537LParticipantHi Inky!
Thank you so much for your reply! You helped me release some judgement against myself. I wasn’t sure if it was right of me to still be calling it a “recent” breakup, and to still be having strong feelings that pop up over it. But the heart’s timeline is a unique one, and all of this really can still be considered fresh. Sometimes I wonder how he feels about all this, but he’s much less emotional than I am in general. And it makes me feel bad thinking I’m still hurting and he’s not (not that I have a way of rally knowing if he is or not). But you’re right, comparing myself with him, or this girl, or really just ideas in my head of him and/or this girl, is really hindering my process. I think during the relationship, he certainly aided in fostering this sense of “competition” that I have in relation to him, but I can’t blame him completely. I need to let go of it but I’m not sure how. It used to make me really anxious, this sense of competition, but now I realize it’s lessened so much since the relationship ended. Any advice about how to continue erasing this pattern of comparing myself to him? I think I’m only now realizing that these sentiments still exist and they’re keeping me attached, thanks for helping me realize. And for your encouragement!!
November 29, 2014 at 6:33 am #68535LParticipantThank you alice!
Thanks so much for replying. Yes, exactly. When your plans and ideas are completely shattered, it’s really hard. I felt like he completely broke my trust in him, and it really hurts, and there’s no going back now. And yes! For the last couple months, I have in fact been more invested in practicing mindfulness and meditation. And I have to say that it really has helped. I guess I need to continue asking myself questions like you said and to give myself time. When you say “love kindness meditation,” are you referring to something specific? Specific techniques or a specific practice? I don’t want to hold any grudges against him, and I am normally really not at all the type that carries anger. But I am really finding it hard to let go of my anger at him. Like I said, I felt like he broke and betrayed my trust and really hurt me, and it certainly makes me sad and angry.
November 4, 2014 at 1:24 pm #67324LParticipantHi Alexandria,
You and I seem to be in a pretty similar boat. I’m 22, and I dated my ex/first love for around 2 1/2 years, and during the last year or so we had many problems, and many issues that often surrounded another “friend” of his (a girl). He used to make me feel very guilty and feel like I was in the wrong for being uncomfortable with the amount of time he wanted to spend with this girl, however in the end, it turns out I was right. We broke up some months ago (not specifically because of her), and he told me about a month and a half ago that they are “dating” now, and leaving the country together for a job opportunity abroad. Like you, I am the type who always tries to see the good in people, and always tried to remain on good terms with my ex. But also like you, after this piece of news, I realized I could not keep putting myself through this kind of pain and deleted him from everything. This tore him up too, but it had to be done. And, like you, I also accidentally came across a picture of the two of them together and it completely tore me up inside. I know exactly how you feel. As for jealousy, even though I am not usually like this, I too have recently found myself feeling twinges of jealousy around my friends who have significant others and who are happy. And sometimes my thoughts wander to my ex and this girl, and I find myself wondering how she compares to me. And again, like you, I’m fairly new to this site but I’ve also found it to be quite helpful:) Now maybe I can give back a little:)
Though I can’t speak as someone who has completely gotten over the pain that this kind of situation brings, I can share with you some insights that I have learned so far along the way and that have helped me in moving on. First of all, trust that you deserve better, because you do. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you completely happy, and who doesn’t care enough about you to respect you or to stop making empty promises and empty apologies. Second, allow yourself to feel everything. Don’t try to go around any of the hurt, but allow yourself to go through it. Embrace your suffering without nourishing it. You are so much more than one emotion, and so much more than one person (him). Let the feelings come but don’t attach yourselves to them…invite them in and let them pass. Also, always remember that whatever you feel is OKAY. There is NOTHING wrong with any of the negative emotions you experience, be they feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, jealousy, etc. Don’t look at these emotions as a “problem,” but just as what is. And finally, the hardest part, learn to accept and let go. This is much easier said than done, of course, and I myself am still struggling with all of this as well, but I am getting better every day and I can see that this isn’t going to last forever. Believe that things work out they way they should in the end. Do things you love with the people you love and find yourself. I, for example, am also working abroad for the year doing what I love, and have met some amazing friends that I know will be there for life. Live now, and let go of what has hurt you in the past. Take care of your own happiness first, and in that way you’ll find it easier to make other people happy, too. Also, realize that this is normal and that you are not alone. Sometimes in life, these types of things happen, and they happen a lot and to a lot of people. This is not at all said with the intention to diminish the importance of your pain in comparison to someone else…I only say this because at least for me, it really helps knowing that other people have gone through this and have made it out the other end happy. So try your very best to breathe, accept, and let go. Know that it’s all okay.
We’re young, and we’re positive, and I like to believe that things will work out for us in the end:) Jealousy is one of the worst feelings you can encounter, in my opinion. It hurts a lot. But just think of all of the good things in life that you have, and will have. To quote U2, “What you don’t have, you don’t need it now.” I hope I was able to help even a little! Stay strong, it will be ok<3
October 21, 2014 at 11:33 pm #66631LParticipantGracie,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for replying to my post. And so quickly! Your words truly gave me a burst of energy and hope. I’ve read many people’s stories, but it’s most helpful hearing from someone who’s been in the exact same position. Similar to you, my ex has in fact told me many times, and even after we broke up, that I’m the sweetest person he’s met. Maybe one day he’ll better realize everything he’s put me through, but hopefully that will come at a time when I no longer care. I’m so happy you found someone who appreciates you and that you are so happy in your marriage!! I truly hope for the same.
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