Mostly Happy Isn't Enough

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    Long story short: It’s been about 8 months since me and my boyfriend of over 2 years officially broke up. It’s been about 5 months since we actually broke up and stopped being “together,” now that we’ve graduated college. And it’s been about 1 month since he revealed to me that he is now in fact with another girl I had always been suspicious about, and about his subsequent travel/working plans with her. It was at this time that I realized being friends with him wasn’t going to work, and finally decided to cut off all contact.

    We were each other’s first loves and that will never change. But he put me through a lot throughout the course of our relationship. I gave him all the power, while meanwhile putting myself through hell to try and change anything about me that would make the relationship work, while he just sat back and watched. And although I believe he never actually cheated on me, I still feel incredibly betrayed. He used to make me feel so guilty and would yell at me about my insecurity over all the time he wanted to spend with this girl, but me being me, I had done my best to try and let it all go and just be “ok” with everything.

    When we met up a month ago, he tried to make it clear that us breaking up and his subsequent relationship with this girl had nothing to do with each other. This is true to an extent, because the break up was for many reasons. But clearly that seed was always there, and I always knew, despite him making me feel like there was just something wrong with me. But I finally took back some power and dignity, and despite his protests, told him we could not be friends anymore.

    Now I’m in Europe, living with wonderfully loving people, doing what I love, and taking advantage of my time to travel and see the world. I want to concentrate on myself and be happy. Continuing from the summer, I’ve tried to deepen my yoga practice and try meditating. I’m even going to a meditation retreat for educators in Plum Village next week, the mindfulness center run by Thich Nhat Hanh. I’m trying to keep up with exercising, reading, listening to music, being with friends…things that make me happy and let me live my life. However, I still cannot fully escape this weight that bears down on me every day. Over the summer, I could get used to the thought of living without him, and had even started casually dating someone new myself. But now it’s the thought of him and her together that is still eating me up inside. All those plans that should have been us, all of the happiness he could be experiencing right now that he quite frankly doesn’t deserve, the fact that I still feel lonely and hurt, and that he probably doesn’t (at least not as much as I do, we’ve both admitted his ability to compartmentalize his emotions is too high for his own good). I don’t want to waste my time here by being sad.

    I can genuinely say that throughout the day, I find moments of true joy and happiness. But they’re not connected enough to just be my life and “how things are.” Most days I’m fine enough, but there also comes days like yesterday where I don’t feel like dealing with it anymore and I just break down and cry. I can still feel a tiny, piercing hole in my heart. It’s come to the point where I can manage the pain, but I don’t want “managing it” to be sufficient. Living with this pain inside me isn’t complete happiness. I simply just don’t want the pain to be there anymore. I am fully in support of the idea of “going through” instead of “around” and I am trying to be gentle and patient with myself, let myself feel everything, and heal at my own pace.

    However, I just want to know that there’s an end. I tell myself that but I have no way of knowing it. I want there to come a time when I’m indifferent to him. Where I’ll be able to love someone else and be loved again. I know he’s not good for me. But it’s the fact that we once shared something so special, and that now it’s completely broken. He completely took advantage of me, broke my trust, and it really hurts. The thought of him and her together is so surreal and painful. I’ve certainly learned many things from this relationship, so I know something good came out of it. I am lucky to have support from friends and family, but it feels like I just can’t quite get over this. I am a sensitive and compassionate person, and I really feel things. I just want to know that one day this feeling of hurt will be gone. Any advice, similar stores, success stories, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Please help me find faith in hope, and not feel like I’m just fooling myself. Or that I’ alone. I’m scared, I really don’t want to give up…

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by L.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by L.

    I have been in this exact position. I feel like I could have written this myself five and a half years ago. I was in my first serious relationship for 3 years until we broke up in April 2009. I was heart broken for the longest time, we too had to cut all communication because he was quickly seeing some one else..and just as you said, some one I had my suspicions about while we were together and he denied that it was anything but mere coincidence. About a year down the road, they were broken up (she wasn’t such a nice person, it turns out.) A year and a half down the road, I began a wonderful relationship with the man I am now happily married to. It is a much much much healthier relationship and everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Yes the first few months are especially hard, and especially after being with some one for years the pain doesn’t suddenly go away in the blink of an eye. You will probably find out, now or down the road, that he’s not as happy as he is letting on to be with this other girl. My ex eventually admitted after they broke up that he always felt horrible about what he did to me and how I was the nicest and most supportive person he ever dated. Point is, by the time he realized that…I found out that I could be treated much better…and to this day I am in the most amazing relationship I’ve ever witnessed. Although right now it seems like almost nothing will make that hole in your heart go away, and picturing him with her makes you shudder (it made me shudder, too) there will come a time..maybe even not so long from now, that you will find out it really did happen for a reason..and your real prince charming was just waiting for you to be ready to be rescued.



    Thank you, thank you, thank you for replying to my post. And so quickly! Your words truly gave me a burst of energy and hope. I’ve read many people’s stories, but it’s most helpful hearing from someone who’s been in the exact same position. Similar to you, my ex has in fact told me many times, and even after we broke up, that I’m the sweetest person he’s met. Maybe one day he’ll better realize everything he’s put me through, but hopefully that will come at a time when I no longer care. I’m so happy you found someone who appreciates you and that you are so happy in your marriage!! I truly hope for the same.

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