Hi Sayoko! Thanks for sharing . Being the somewhat emotionally under-developed person that I am , I may not be the best source on this but I wanted to respond anyway. I was just in this situation , I found myself comparing my (now ex) current partner with my ex and all that unhealthy stuff but felt that there was no way to communicate this or channel that.

On one hand I would have been very grateful to be able to have an honest discussion about this , I believe this would have helped. On the other I feel this would have been impossible. Maybe its just the people Ive dated but there always seemed to be a not so subtle imperative to talk about ex’s in black and white terms (usually black) without much room , even with an open-minded person to talk about the real , living impact which a previous relationship had , especially since I carry mostly positive memories of my past girlfriends. It sometimes seemed like a zero sum game (again, the amount of “pain” which talking about positive attributes of an ex seems to be inversely proportional to their self-esteem and security in the relationship) where praising anything about my ex was similar to putting my (then)current gf down.

So its a minefield for sure and the reaction really depends on the person and possibly, how long you have been dating. Since it has only been a month you may not have built a sturdy enough foundation for an “advanced” nuanced discussion like this , then again it may be a great way to build that foundation (after all , issues which are not addressed can have the same impact on day 2 or year 2 ) if handled very carefully.

Personally I believe that people can help each other without being “codependent” (I feel that word is chronically overused and that any human relationship is “codependent in some sense, unless our goal is to become islands, but Im not a mental health professional) and that we do not have to be on our own to process emotions or traumas in a healthy way So maybe you and your partner are both just processing the many emotions which must surround the recent dissolution of these long-term relationships together. Perhaps you are helping each other do just and with time, introspection and good communication you will both process all these emotions in a healthy way “rebound” or not.

But I do not think forcing the issue is a good idea at this point . If you choose to address these issues , I think it should be done in a very careful way (self-referencing rather than coming off as accusatory ) but that is because I believe grace has a place , even , in the most intimate relationships.

However you should take my advice with a grain of salt as I am now a veteran of two failed, long-term relationships. I know I probably didn’t address your concerns directly (I hesitate to be more direct or give any solid advice because I suspect that I have no idea what Im talking about) but I hope there is something you can take from this.

Mostly I hope it works out for both of you 🙂