Hi There Tsukushim,

First of all, I heartily disagree that you need to spend the next few decades of your life sacrificing your happiness because that’s “whats best for the kids”. That’s old wisdom that came from a much different time and doesn’t fully apply to life today. What kids need to see is love and cohesion, yes, but there are about a million ways to create that and, should you stay with this man and continue to feel the way that you do today, there’s going to come a time when they get a little older and go “Wow, our parents are in a loveless marriage.” I, for one, think that’s more damaging than just about anything else.

That said, it seems like you have a two options: you can leave right now or you can fight a little more for your space and see if that makes you feel any different. The fact that he is refusing you weekend trips and time alone is incredibly dangerous. Most likely, he is afraid of being abandoned and, because of that, he’s trying desperately to cling to you which, of course, only drives you further away. If there’s any part of you that believes this relationship is salvageable or even wants to salvage it in the first place, I’d recommend maybe going to counseling together and being really insistent about your need to spend some time alone doing things you love. You don’t have to go places your crush is going and I’m sure you could find a friend of family member to help him with the kids if he is uncomfortable with you taking them. In any event, he needs to release the death grip or he is going to poison just about everything between you two. On the other hand, you could leave right now and it does seem like there is a large part of you that wants to do that. If that’s the case, that’s an entirely valid decision and you should not feel ashamed or cowed about it. As long as you continue to model stability, love, grace, dignity and respect in your own life and keep things as civil as possible between you and him, they’ll grow up knowing what strength looks like, which is really a better example to set than teaching them to grow up believing that it’s healthy or acceptable to stay for years in a relationship that makes you unhappy. All the best to you. Please keep us posted.

Ashley