Dear Korrasamus:
You asked: “My problem and thing I want to resolve, now that I am aware of what my issues are, is what do I do now? How do I not be this way any longer?”

From my ongoing process of healing, my answer is (I use the pronoun “you” meaning “I” projected, hopefully accurately enough to you):
Healing is going to take a long, long time. What you are aware of now, you will become, over time, aware of on deeper levels than now. You can not rush it. I was impatient. Unfortunately you need to be… sometimes excruciatingly patient.
What you are aware of now you can forget tomorrow- as you have repeatedly when you shift your focus from you to him. It takes returning your focus again and again. It takes learning new skills (mindfulness, “radical acceptance,” correcting thoughts- Cognitive Therapy tool:learning types of distorted thinking, identifying yours and correcting those thoughts). It takes self empathy. It takes ever increasing insight.

One step at a time. Patience. A few steps backward, regrouping, a step forward. No “from now on” solution. You identify what does not work and stop doing what is ineffective. You identify what does work and you practice what is effective. No progress without practice. You feel pain and learn to endure it without reacting to it the old, ineffective ways.

Books: well, i don’t know if you would like it- if it would fit you now. It depends on what you are ready for at this point, what will not overwhelm you, what will not turn you off. Lots of self help books try to include as many people in it as possible, using the word “may” a lot, as in you may feel this or that… it loses power for me. psych central website has some good info- recently unsuccessful getting there though. Some useless and even damaging info potentially… I tried to access some good articles i read there about what to expect in the first session/s of a good psychotherapy but failed to access. From what i remember and from experience, the psychotherapist should give you- after a few session, a PLAN including evaluation she made of you, objectives and a plan of how to achieve those objectives. Such a plan was given to me by my therapist. And he gave me homework every session. this was different from previous experiences where i saw a therapist, talked, felt better for having talked, but there was no game plan. It was just catharsis, feeling better after venting, with occasion empathy at best. Good psychotherapy includes venting and empathy but also PSYCHOEDUCATION, the teaching of SKILLS (A MUST!). It is a science, not just an intuitive art form. It is not magic- so choosing the right therapist is very important. Many therapists are at best providers of empathy while you vent. There is so much more some therapists are!!! I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with Mindfulness therapy.

Back to your question: “How do I not be this way any longer?”

Healing, you will be everything your child part has been all these years, loveable, needy of love, connection, scared, hurt. You will not stop being “that way”- what you will develop is a part of yourself that will do a way more effective job leading your life so you have more and more control over how you live and less and less fear.

I already wrote too much.

Take good care of yourself:
anita