Dear sam123:
The need to connect is a biological need, our genetic and neurological programming. Then there is another genetic and neurological programming- to avoid pain. When connecting with another has in the past produced enough pain and we did not receive the comfort we needed then- there is a physical association between connecting and pain, hence the conflict, hence the pull toward and push away.

How do we connect if we need to make sure ahead of time that it will be okay or perfect?

We can’t – the best we can do, and please correct me if you do not agree, is to maximize our chances to connect and not get hurt and do that by taking it very slowly, mindfully in small steps get to know the guy, little by little, get to know him before getting into a closeness that may hurt, learn who he is, how predictable, listen to him tell his stories- and get closer if it feels safe enough, if his stories, his actions, his reactions indicate a trustworthy personality or character.

anita