Home→Forums→Relationships→Struggling with relationship dependency
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Kline.
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May 29, 2015 at 3:43 pm #77476
samParticipantI know I’m dependent but I can’t figure out how to change it…
I’ve been single for almost a year and it seems like every guy I meet I either instantly fall for or create this idea in my mind that we are meant to be together. There are times when I don’t even like the guy that much but I get crushed when he rejects me.
A couple weeks ago I met a guy that I’d been talking to online and we had a date for 6 hours. He never called. I felt like it took me a couple days to get past it when it really wasn’t that big of a deal.
Last week I went on vacation and met a nice guy. I honestly kind of brushed him off because I wasn’t there to meet guys. Towards the end of the trip, when I had talked to him more, I realized I was somewhat attracted to him but didn’t pursue it too much. He ended up mentioning that he was into me and that he wanted to talk after we went home. It’s almost like something switched in me and I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel like I spent the whole way home in this fairytale in my mind about us and nothing even happened! We’ve talked a little bit but he never responded to a text from yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I wish I could go back to the place I was in last week when I was just myself and didn’t care. I don’t want to push him (or really anyone else) away.
These are just two examples but I tend to do this a lot. I’m almost 30 so it feels a little ridiculous that I still act this way. I think part of is it is that I’m lonely so I’m craving attention. But other than that, I feel like I’m really independent, have friends, activities, a good job, etc. I really need some advice on how to stop this!
I will also say I have really bad anxiety and I’m have a tendency to plan everything and want everything to be perfect so I know this plays into this a lot.
May 29, 2015 at 4:33 pm #77480
AnonymousGuestDear sam123:
The need to connect is a biological need, our genetic and neurological programming. Then there is another genetic and neurological programming- to avoid pain. When connecting with another has in the past produced enough pain and we did not receive the comfort we needed then- there is a physical association between connecting and pain, hence the conflict, hence the pull toward and push away.How do we connect if we need to make sure ahead of time that it will be okay or perfect?
We can’t – the best we can do, and please correct me if you do not agree, is to maximize our chances to connect and not get hurt and do that by taking it very slowly, mindfully in small steps get to know the guy, little by little, get to know him before getting into a closeness that may hurt, learn who he is, how predictable, listen to him tell his stories- and get closer if it feels safe enough, if his stories, his actions, his reactions indicate a trustworthy personality or character.
anita
May 29, 2015 at 4:51 pm #77482samParticipantI’m trying to take it slow but I’m scared he’s already disinterested. There’s really nothing to base that on other than he hasn’t responded to my text in the amount of time I have hoped. I just don’t know how to live my life without being concerned about meeting a guy or what not. I’m so anxious at this point because I’m stressed he doesn’t like me, he changed his mind, I did or said something wrong, he won’t talk to me again, etc, etc, etc.
May 29, 2015 at 4:55 pm #77483AnonymousGuestDear sam123:
As you stated yourself: you are currently anxious and stressed. That means that your thinking is not clear. We need to be CALM to think clearly, to think and act effectively. Can you reach a state of CALM in the next few moments? Can you quiet your mind… you will go on and on in circles unless you calm your mind, dissipate the fog…???
anitaMay 29, 2015 at 5:12 pm #77485
rodrigoParticipantCould it be that you just miss the closeness and that it’s the reason for you feeling this way? Just asking. Mabye if you get closer with your friends and family that it’ll stop. Or are the people around you putting the pressure on you. Cause when you say I’m 30 and shouldn’t behave like that, it looks like it. Just sharing my opinion, am no expert 😛
May 29, 2015 at 10:47 pm #77492
Rock BananaParticipantThe question isn’t “do you know how to change it”, the question is, “are you committed to changing it”?
Think about it. If you aren’t committed to doing something, you will probably never get around to doing it, especially as it might be a long process. But if you’re committed to change, then it doesn’t matter how it will happen, you will discover that as you go. As long as you spend time finding and ‘trying on’ new perspectives, realizing that the beliefs and ideas you’ve developed around these issues may not be serving you effectively and being committed to change no matter how long it takes, then you can make shifts.
Check out mindfulness, CBT, coaching, philosophy, psychology, discover and implement more useful perspectives, etc etc…
At the moment you are definitely looking for somebody to fulfill a role in your life…somebody who loves you, because you think that will make you happy. Check out this video by Noah Elkrief: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Br05QsSMw
Remember that a thought can only affect you if you take it seriously.
You’ve identified your desire for change quite specifically so now it’s onto you… “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it” – Albert Einstein
May 30, 2015 at 6:27 am #77496
InkyParticipantHi sam123,
This is counter-intuitive advice, but: Sometime to get Through It we have to get 100% Into It.
1. There is a movie called 50 Dates, or 100 Dates.. Do that. Go on Match or to Meet Ups and go out with your friend’s friends. Fill up your calendar with one to three new guys every weekend. Obviously, meet in safe places, etc.
2. Have NO expectations. Let THEM do all the work. View this as FUN! You are there for wine and good company. Nothing more. If they want more, they’ll let you know it. Let them have the romantic fantasies!
3. Based on statistics and the “10,000 Hour” effect, you will find The One and immediately know which guys aren’t for you and not get attached if it doesn’t work out, as you have more dates/events/guys to look forward to.
Radical, but might work,
Inky
May 31, 2015 at 10:29 am #77528samParticipantI kinda love that idea Inky, only because I’m pretty terrible at it! I think my planning and perfectionism causes me to have expectations of everything. And I think that can get tricky when it comes to dating. I tend to get let down a lot.
I have tried the online dating and I get so bored! One of my friends goes on so many dates but I think I’m too picky so I tend to push guys off. I also am terrified of getting hurt. BUT I like your advice and it might be good for me.
I think what I am trying to balance is putting myself out there, not having expectations, having fun but also not searching for someone just to make me happy.
And that guy did text me back…and we’ve talked some. I ended up putting myself out a little bit (more than I’m used to) and I haven’t heard a response yet. I think either he’s dealing with his own things, not as into me as I originally thought or just as terrified as me (we are not in the same city and he admitted to being nervous around me and being terrible at the dating stuff). I think I’m going to try to focus on myself but also allow more people in with little expectations!
May 31, 2015 at 1:01 pm #77531AnonymousGuestI went on online dating for the first time in my life in 2009. I decided then to meet as many men as I could but not be intimate with any. I met more than a hundred men within a few months, had many first dates and some seconds, thirds. When I met a man in a coffee place, let’s say, I concentrated on the pleasure of just meeting another person and having a conversation without worries or expectations to have or not to have a relationship with that person. eventually I did develop a relationship with one man (Man # 94) and ended up marrying him at 49 years old! Had rough times but in the context of relationships and mental health I made a lot of healing in the context of this relationship, following therapy. Do you think somethinglike that may work for you???
anitaMay 31, 2015 at 3:31 pm #77537
KlineParticipantThank you for sharing your story, sam123. I don’t have any advice but I can relate. Anita I appreciated your advice above, and also the other ideas I have heard.
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