Dear Lost Girl:
You have been consistent in your posts about wanting to go abroad. Your indecision has been about a relationship with the guy, not about going abroad. You did mention some unfavorable financial condition about the going abroad plan, and given your fearful nature taht you ackonwledged- it makes sense that part of you will try to HOLD ON to something that may feel safer than the financial challenge and any other challenges that going abroad entail.

It is hard to choose in this world at the present time because there are so many choices: even going to the supermarket is a chore because there are so many, many choices. This has nothing to do with you. A study has shown that given too many choices reduces people’s happingess or content.

You wrote that he told you he loved you but seemed detached- one message carried by his words and another message by non verbal communiation. Something to pay attention to.

regarding caring not to hurt others- it is part of who you are, not a part you want to change. It is a good part: do no harm is a Buddhist principle. What you acknowledge as ineffective is putting another’s interest first, at your expense. That is hurting yourself so to not hurt another, a lose-win situation- to avoid!

It seems to me, since the comment about fear resonated with you- that you are excited, definite about wanting to go abroad but you are also afraid. It would make sense that you will be looking for connection with another to soothe that fear. This is what humans/ social animals do to soothe fear. So no wonder there. Occupying your mind with him carries the message then that you are afraid, that is all. But that is nothing new. I do hope that you go abroad, not even considering to change that plan so to have a relationship with this guy. I hope you follow your plan while remaining mindful/ aware of your fear. Find ways to soothe your fear that do not involve strategies that will backfire, like having a relationship. Find connections, but not such that will hurt you following, at best, temproarty relief of fear.

Just because you feel fear does not mean you are facing real danger. This is where awareness comes in, thinking realistically about the situation, seeing it for what it is, not escaping into a fantasy of how someone could rescue you from your fear. This is a serious opportunity for you to grow in spite of the fear. Not by a strong will power alone, but by taking small steps toward the goal, focusing on the journey, ackinowledging the obstacles and moving on mindfully.
anita