Dear misunderstood:
I will share with you a bit about my relationship with my mother, the ending it part: I so very often wished to free myself from my mother. It seemed to me life a dream come true, to live without her condemnations, disapproval, ongoing criticism and without her histrionic, narccistic, borderline explosions, without her attacks, verbal and physical attacks of me. Oh, the dream, the wish… Too guilty to do that. Too scared to hurt her. I was even afraid that if i did stop contact with her, that she will kill herself.

Fast forward: at 52, a few months after my first serious psychotherapy, i stopped contact with her- first as an experiment. That was May 2013. Since then I wrote her a short letter and sent her a message via my sister. Those were two contacts I made with her since, and no more. Last was the message January 2014. Nothing since, not directly and not indirectly. The experiment is over- I will have no contact with her of any kind for the rest of my life.

For the longest time since May 2013 I felt terribly guilty. There were times of relief (the dream of living without her in my life) followed by tremendous guilt and distress. Over and over again. And again. Only lately, very recently do I find myself smiling at the thought of never again having her in my life- and without feeling guilty.

It has been a long and arduous journey, process, multi dimensional. If I knew how hard it would be, I don’t know if I could push myself forward. Maybe I would have stayed with my misery, my distress…But I pushed ahead, and eventually was able to let go. My GREAT anxiety (and depression) is relieved. Not gone but way, way improved, and my life is so much better. If I could change the past I would have stopped all contact with her way earlier, in my 20s if not before.

She did not kill herself as i feared though. In my process I found out that it was me who always needed her. I was the one reaching out to her. I was the one putting the effort to love-and-be-loved by her. It was her who rejected me. ALl the time I believed i was the one hurting her, no: she was the one hurting me. I got it wrong. She is doing just the same without me and I am doing way better without her.

If you have any questions, would like me to share more, let me know.
anita