Are you seeing a therapist for your BPD?
This is an important step towards recovery. CBT, DBT and changing your mindset.
I’ve known some high functioning people with BPD but it needs a clear focus in order to manage the situation as well as continued effort.
Undernourishing and self-sabotaging behavior is a vicious cycle. I don’t want to give you suggestions because I think you might already have heard plenty in the topics on self esteem, confidence, career changes, anxiety etc…

I strongly suggest seeking help on a regular basis because it seems you need someone to talk to in person, and it might be useful to read some of the articles on this website using those keywords that you are concerned with.

Dear Sann:
I too was diagnosed with BPD. After years of effective therapy and healing, I no longer fit the diagnosis criteria. I found out that I dont HAVE BPD. There is no virus or bacterium called BPD. It is nothing but a combination of symptoms, a combination decided upon by psychiatrists for the purpose of inclusion in a book, the DSM, a book continuouy growing in width. The disorders are artificial combinations of symptoms, each with a name. Then people, I was one, OWN one or more… an idedentity and then go to a doctor for it.

I found out that in the core I was and am a hurt, scared little child. I learned what happened to me when I was a young child, dependent, vulnerable, how I was hurt, how I was scared and not attended to, not helped. And I learned what happened, like a snowball that started with that original fear and hurt, it, the snowball grew and grew- through years of not healing and the resulting unskilled living, amassing more and more negative experiences- that snowball of hurt and fear grew to a variety of more problem, complications, more and more DSM diagnoses.

I don’t own those diagnoses. I only own that hurt and fear that started the ball rolling.

If you would like more of my input, please let me know. I will answer and respond to anything else you would like me to.
anita

Dear Sann:
I will answer first the question: “Do you still struggle with these things, or do you find it all easy now?” No, I don’t find anything easy. But not as difficult, not as hopeless. I noticed this change: I no longer consider committing suicide. What a change that is! I finally acknowledged that I do care a lot about living, that I want to live and that all the time I consdered suicide- I still wanted to live, otherwise I would have ended my life. I realized that continuing to consider suicide is not honest- the motivation may have been not wanting to feel pain anymore and wanting help. the motivation was not to die.

What has gotten easier is not exploding in anger anymore. I still get angry but I do not explode. “Do no harm” is strong in me.

I started feeling empathy to the man I married in 2010 (year later I started therapy). I started feeling empathy for him after therapy, a great time after therapy. I started feeling softer emotions. Instead of desperation and numbing I started feeling affection and appreciation. Instead of distrust- trust. Of course none of this would have been possible if my husband was a jerk. It so happens that he is very decent and wonderful, really.

Regarding: “you had to learn a new way, instead of ‘unskilled living’ towards ‘skilled living’ – how was that for you?”

First thing in therapy, 2011 (and having been diagnosed then with BPD) my therapist taught me Interpersonal Skills- a must so to keep my marriage which was then in great trouble. That was part of psychoeducation, very important. Practicing effective interpersonal skills was crucial to heal the relationship- over time- and make personal healing possible in the context of the relationship.

You asked: “do you still have to be very, very careful not to step into those traps…?” My life was very difficult during times of stress such as having to move- I was often homeless because i couldn’t get myself to move. Again, since i got married my husband took care of the housing situations and moving, so that took care of that. I use all my time to heal and my outside challenges are limited. I still get annoyed very often but I do talk to myself and I am learning- this very morning I practiced that- to share my feelings of annoyance with my husband in a responsible way, to not blame him, to not expect him to take away my distress. It is difficult for me this VERY day. I am exhausted and slept poorly after one of those annoyances. I am aiming at ACCEPTING all my feelings, including the annoyances (RAGES, previously) without negatively judging myself. I still feel shame over my negative feelings…

Crisis situations make everything worse for anyone, i suppose but for BPD- yes. It is time to take it very slow. Even today after poor sleep- this poor sleep is a cirsis of sorts.

My husband said I changes most significantly. He says- and I agree- that the diagnosis doesn’t fit anymore- the explosions are gone.

My latest challenge is that while I was getting off 17 years of heavy medications- most difficult- I developed seious eating disorders from restricting (anorexia-like, actually a psychiatrist did diagnose me with anorexia in 2012) to heavy duty binge eating. binge eating is a challenge more acute after poor sleep- it scares the hell out of me.

So, today is such a day where I am not as calm or optimistic as in days when I sleep well. But it is not as bad as before.

I hope I gave you some answers that may be helpful. Please ask more. Maybe I should wait till tomorrow and answer more quesions then after, hopefully better sleep…
anita