Courage is defined as the ability to do something that frightens someone. As humans, we are all instinctively attracted to what we know, what is comfortable and familiar to us, even if that familiarity is detrimental to us. Sometimes this scenario has been molded by the expectations of our parents, friends, and most of all, society. Our media consistently portrays misleading definition of “beauty” and “success,” pressuring most of us, including myself, to believe that you need to fit all the criteria in order to be acceptable. As children, we’re taught to work our tails off in high school, get into a good college, graduate, find a well-paying job, get married and have kids-if we achieve these things, we’ve lived society’s expectations of life.

Coming from an Asian household, these things strongly resonate with me. But this life that I’ve been taught to live is unfortunately unpleasing to me. My parents’ strict policing of my academics and social life have gotten me into an Ivy League university, but I’m far from happy here. I’m not living the life I want to live. Don’t get my wrong, I’m EXTREMELY blessed to be attending my school. But my actions on campus are not an accurate or fair representation of my actual interests and life. I don’t have the courage to attend clubs or take classes that interest me. I don’t think I will be successful in these clubs, and that I will have to fake a personality in order to fit in. This portrayal of a false character, admittedly, is driven by my consistent comparison to my peers. It seems that everybody else is so much smarter, experienced, and driven than me. It’s gotten to the point where I’m intimidated by others, even complete strangers on my campus. I feel like I can’t be myself, otherwise others will deem me as uneducated and not worthy of association.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not courageous enough to leap out and be myself. I’m not comfortable in my own skin, and I suppose my terribly insecure. Comparing myself to others depresses me and intimidates me. But my actions are powered through some inaccurate portrayals of the media. I want to be successful in my life, but I feel like if I don’t excel in college through getting good grades or leading clubs, then I will not achieve that top executive position later in my life. But in pursuit of these things, I find that I have become extremely unhappy. The things that I used to love have turned into obligations. I feel like I need to try so hard to fit in.

But honestly screw the “path to success.” I’m old enough to realize that I’m not doing what I love, and that I need to change. I need to be courageous and do what I want to do, not what society wants me to do. I definitely want to stay in college, though. I cannot give up this beautiful chance that I’ve worked my entire life to achieve. But it enrages me that this is what I worked my entire life for. To be even more stressed out.

I’ve hit rock bottom, but I know that if I can get out of this rut, I’ll achieve great heights. Any advice, feedback, or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my story, I know it’s long, but I needed to express myself.