Hi Annie.

First of all, give yourself a hug. You are going through a lot and you are suffering. Your anger is because you have been searching and waiting for your ex to display the love and affection towards you in the way you expect. He has not been the right connection. Have you projected your needs of love and affection on to him? Do you feel like you entire being was the relationship?

You are not your relationships. You are at that point in the aftermath where you are waiting for him to stand up and say he got it wrong, or show you that he can return the love and respect you have shown him. You have been waiting for him to complete the missing parts in your life with love and trust. From experience, we have to be rock solid as individuals in a relationship. The moment we become dependent on the other for emotional fulfilment or internal self worth, it’s pretty much down hill from there. It results in possessiveness, jealousy and brings out emotions and behaviours in us that are completely at conflict with who we are.

Your anger is because you maybe are not ready to let go. Letting go of someone you love is so painful whatever they have done to you or you have done to them. From personal experience it is agonising. Somewhere at some point you both stopped giving each other what each was looking for. This is not condoning his behaviour because he might just want chaos all the time and games and someone who will play those games and that person is not you. We cannot submit ourselves to someone we love at the cost of our own internal identity when many of our internal values are so at conflict with who we really are.

The anger is only hurting you, not him. Do you think he appreciates or recognises the anger and hurt you are going through? Are you putting yourself through this for you or for him? Sadly he does probably not because this is your experience that you alone are going through. Anger can only, only be replaced with gratitude. Once you understand your “enemy” you can only feel but love and pity for them. Be grateful that he has lighted a fire in you that has shown you the kind of person you expect to be with. Turn the anger into gratitude that he has shown his true being to you and that you have the awareness and mental capability to assess and decide that you want a better relationship. Feel gratitude that this part of your life is a time to build you, a time to learn to love you and identify with yourself. The theme in a lot of my posts are that we all need to love ourselves. So if you are feeling angry, think about what you are grateful for instead.

Everyone’s breakup is personal to them. I don’t think people intentionally go out to screw up others peoples life’s, maybe know some do, but if you look at it like this… He had a whole basket of chaos and stuff he is carrying around and that’s his journey. Only he can learn from it and change or carry on as he is. People can and do change but anger and frustration waiting for them to change is very draining.

If for instance he did change, and you were in a different emotional place of strength , the conflicts that you have now, will probably be irrelevant in a rekindled relationship and you would have the relationship you want. But this is the essence of letting go isn’t it? Hoping waiting and wishing things would have been different. So if you love him, then set him free. If you cannot set him free then it is love for yourself that you need because it means that you are utterly dependent on him for your happiness and we both know that this is not a way to be living your life.

Only you can decide to let go of the anger. Put it in a box and replace it with gratitude. This will allow you to have the energy to focus on yourself and in time understanding what you have learnt about yourself from the relationship.

I can only send you positive thoughts that you gain peace soon, enough to go through your immediate future with a positive outlook for the future and an acceptance of the past for what it was.

Take care