dear miranam:

You wrote that when you talk to him about how you feel, he says it drains him out.And you wrote that if you act “as if nothing happened”- it is then that he respond to you best. These two statements are very telling and explain to me how it was that he was “creative and enthusiastic’ with the woman he had the emotional affair with:

“Nothing happened” with her- no history, no prior baggage, no old feelings to talk about, no problems YET. So he was creative and enthusiastic. It is the having to deal with deep emotions that drains him. With her it was “nice and easy”- but that could only be maintained if she too is satisfied with keeping things on the surface only, nice and easy.

The fact that he was creative and entusiastic with her is of no indication that he will be that way with you- unless you are okay with “nice and easy”- that is, if you keep a vital, living, breathing part of yourself away from the relationship with him. You then have the choice of trying to express this part of you in other relationships or… numb it. Same for any other woman who would be involved with him- keep it “nice and easy”- on the surface is the only way for him that a relationship will work.

It will be a mistake, is my view, to think that his attitude in relationship with her could be transferred to a relationship of quality and depth with you. Such is not possible unless he evolves- an unbelievable difficult process one has to be fully motivated and committed.

You asked if you are selfish. You are not selfish to want to be and become more fully YOU, to have a deep relationship, one that honors the life in you. You are selfish at this point only if you sacrifice the well being of your son for your own well being. The trick is that staying in this marriage is not necessariy for your son’s well being. A divorce may be helpful to him.

I don’t think you are selfish in regard to your husband. It is his choice to have it Nice-and-Easy or not at all. It is his … selfishness to choose HIS nice-and-easy over YOUR well being. But he was always Nice-and-Easy kind of guy so it is not reasonable to expect him to change- he was like that when you met him. Now, how long do you pay for not having seen it about him, not having seen then what you needed and that it is not going to work?

It is never fair to burry a vital part of you so to please another. What appears on the surface is often not the case. He may appear GOOD- not having had a physical affair, appearing nice and kind. You may appear BAD, the one who had the physical affair, the one who won’t play nice so to keep a marriage to a … nice guy going. Reality is often different than what it appears to be. He is not that good for continuing to be blind to you, to choose his comfort with nice-and-easy over your well being, to not see that you suffer and to not want to make real efforts to make it better. And you, well, you are the one who sacrificed way more in this marriage than he ever did, yourself.

Back to your son, he sees and feels what is reality. When there is something wrong in the marriage, he most likely knows there is something wrong. Do you see any signs that he does? I may be wrong. A child can overcome a lot of things and not be traumatized if he is told the truth, if his perceptions are validated, if he feels he is not alone, if HIS feelings are validated.

The part of you that your husband ignores, prefers not to see, to not attend to- you know how you suffer for it. That part of your son- do not ignore it but see it and attend to it. Otherwise your son will suffer for a long, long time. This part of him can be ignored in a two parent household and it can be attended to in a divoce kind of situation. This is what most important.

Evaluate in what situation will you be most available to attend to what your son needs, married or divorced to his father. Do not let appearances fool you. Appearances will fool others outside your marriage but your suffering indicates clearly that you are not fooled. neither am I as I read your posts.

Keep writing as long as you find it valuable to you.

anita