Running a quick search would prompt a first page results to Peter Pan, unfortunately, there was none like me, or so that I was hoping to come across.

I took my life for granted, I took my family, my love for granted most of my life. I never cherished being in the present moment with them, and was consistently complaining with some sort of grudge towards life..

One day, I woke up and I’m closer to 40, with not that many friends who still haven’t gotten tired of giving me the same advice, single after more than a decade with my partner who finally decided she had enough, with no career, no interests and no talents and achievements to speak off. I felt all alone in a big complicated world I could not understand, looking at my friends who seem to breeze through in life.

I had never really worked outside my small family business in all these years, barely lasting 6 months before I found some sort of excuses, it’s meaningless, it’s too practical and an outward facade, what’s the point of having money feeling empty, etc.

It had been on my mind to post my confessions for some time:

1. That if you are still young and feeling the way I do, there is still much time to change, time flies by quicker than you could count the sun rises, and you will soon be the age of the people that your once considered old.

2. That if you feel the way I do and all alone in the world, your not alone.

3. And if you feel like you have been stuck most of your life like me, I would really like to learn from you how you changed your life for the better.

Since young, I felt constantly lost, always looking towards other people, and that something was always amiss somehow no matter what I had. I had always been asking, what life meant, what I was meant to do, and what I would be to be the cream of the crop. The simplest decision was always so complicated for me, always feeling so lost at the most simple day to day decisions, knowing that I needed to take one baby step at a time and learn to live in the present moment, with uncertainty, and not letting my thoughts run my entire life.

I was an empty know it all, arrogant, with a high sense of low self esteem, being doted on and hiding amongst the wings of my loved ones and ex included when i should be manning up for her.

Eventually it gave way to a generalised anxiety disorder and depression which I was diagnosed with years ago, and spending time with counsellors, psychiatrists, different religions, travels, and time off didn’t help me much, for wherever you go, there you are. And I decided I could handle it on my own through sheer will power and mindset.

Yet till today, I wake up without a sense of purpose. Still envying others apparent success in their careers and family lives on social media. It’s so silly how I spend to much time harping onto the past, knowing how worry is being in a rocking chair which gets us nowhere, or try to plan and think and think and think so much, as if that would make my burdens lesser, life better, and some kind of zap of magical lightning to give me all the truths I ever wanted.

I chain smoke 40 sticks a day to ease the constant anxiety in the day, and need alcohol to be able to calm down and sleep at night still. Then I regret that I could just have lived normally like everyone else, went to bed, found some things to do the next day, instead of waking up in the afternoons again, worrying how people look at me as unemployed and useless, when people will know and judge anyway already. And I repeat the same process all over again. And procrastinated the things I should have done for months and months, felt so stupid, how simple things really are, and still procrastinated.

In my worst moments this year alone, I threw drunken fits at my ex and my family, till they were all so afraid of me. One day in my drunken rage my family had to call the cops on me and in my drunken stupor, i begged the police to jail me, I called my Uncle, whom had to run after me and took a fall, as I eventually fell into a big drain and ended up in hospital. My ex had already experienced time and again of what I am truly like when I was drunk, and she feared looking at me with any alcohol near me.

Few months later I let it all out by criticising and condemning the people who truly loved me, my family, on social media. At that time I felt that I was taking it all on my own for all my life.

I felt really regretful after that. For my family that seemed to abandon me never did, I was forgiven and given chance after chance. Who could really blame her after all these years of giving in to every single for my whim and fancy?

So whats my issue?

Was that I didn’t want to be like everyone else. Get a job. Stay in the job. Get a better paying job. Get married. Have kids. Life goes on.

I took to being an Intra day trader, over leveraging, over trading and over stressing myself. Cause all I found is that I really love to trade. And with such a small capital, and with “confidence capital” from my loved ones, I doubled the account, blew it up, and in this pattern for years, thinking I alone, could be alone, could find the discipline on myself to stick to my own trading rules and taking up extremely selective trades where I measured risk as a priority and a passion for trading.

The outcome is obvious,

A simple text of paragraphs, years and years and every single moment of pain…

And years later, as of now, feeling empty without any sense of purpose, a few more steps towards 40 and aging parents, I find myself, single, not many friends who want to give me the same old repeated simple advice of get a job, what’s so hard? With no one i know that is even close to being like me, back in square one, years of being self concious as an unemployed to my very hard working friends, back to…

the Boy who Never Grew up.