Dear Matic:

Your writing on this thread, as in the ones before, indicate to me a very intelligent, sensible, well rounded, AWARE young man. Your observations are excellent in my view- amazingly so and guarded against lack of objectivity. It is unusual in my experience to read such an as-accurate-as-possible account here and elsewhere.

I trust your observations of her behavior around you and her reactions to talking about her boyfriend. I want to look at your observations again, with a beginner’s mind, that is without your guarded interpretations and without your active chemistry! and see if I get something else:

I just re-read your account and this is what I am getting: she is experience conflicts with her boyfriend, she is conflicted in relationship with him. She is not conflicted in her relationship with you. In the relationship with him she does not feel free, she feels distress, at least at times, she compromises her spontaneity, puts limits on herself so to get along with him, she cuts corners so to speak. With you she doesn’t, therefore she can belly laugh. She likes feeling the way she feels with you, free of conflict.

i wouldn’t underestimate the potential power of her attachment to her boyfriend. People persist in relationships that make them miserable for years and decades. I wouldn’t trust her glow when relating to her as being that powerful a motivation for her to end her relationship with her boyfriend and attend to an intimate one with you.

I trust the power of ATTACHMENT more than than the power of happiness and well being.

So as happy as she appears and feels around you, it is no indication that she will end that relationship and start one with you.

She may have romantic thoughts about you because she feels so good around you, as is natural (she is a girl, you are a boy) and may feel guilty for those because she is in a relationship. It is possible for her to withdraw from you in the future. It is also possible for a one night stand on her part, that is a short feel good break from the conflicted long term relationship with that boyfriend.

To protect yourself I would avoid the latter with her. Also her possible guilt would make it very difficult for her to open up to you about that relationship.

Having stated all that, I don’t think it is a bad idea to tell her how you feel as long as you also tell her that you are okay (as you stated here) either way, if you tell her how you feel while not suggesting she has a job to do now that she knows… you can tell her while taking responsibility for your feelings, in other words, tell her in a way that dignifies you, honors you. Why not honor yourself? Why hide your feelings? It is in the HOW that you tell her, that will make it okay to tell her, aI think.

anita