* Dear redy: What do you think about what I wrote in the post before yours on this thread, about EAR and such. I went to counseling with my new husband at the time and it made ALL the difference in the world. The first thing the therapist worked with us on was Interpersonal Skills- there is a whole science to it, simple skills that CAN be LEARNED. EAR is one of those things he went over with us- this kind of work with a therapist is referred to as psychto-education, it is really teaching, not curing. To use these skills it takes learning and practicing again and again, nothing more complicated than that. I hope your boyfriend figures out that he doesn’t have to change dramatically or be analyzed or anything like that, just LEARN interpersonal skills, learning like any other thing that if learned will make his life so much easier!

Regarding you raising your voice and he told you it bothers him- I would never raise my voice again. If he learns that when he asserts himself with you, tell you he doesn’t like you raising your voice AND he learns that you listen to him and respond positively, then he will have hope in asserting himself.

It doesn’t matter that you feel attacked. If he approaches you with a weapon or otherwise about to hit you, then, yes, scream, you want someone to hear you and come to your rescue. Short of that, do not raise your voice at him. He told you it bothers him. If you continue, you are not better or healthier than him!

EAR= Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect.

Post more, if you like- I had the kind of therapy you are talking about and am willing to share more, especially since it is the same topic as the Original poster’s.