Dear Kelly:

This is what you wrote:

“I was wanting to cry, I wanted to harm myself(I didn’t but was and still is tempting), my mind wouldn’t stop racing, I felt like I wasn’t in my body…I want to meet people but I just feel they will only hurt me. I been more depressed, and agitated the last few months than usual. None of my meds work, therapy I don’t know if it helps anymore, I just feel like nothing does…Just wish the pain can stop. I feel hopeless and helpless. No one ever stands up for me either which annoys me. I just feel alone.”

Here is my analysis: you wanted to cry but did not. There is deep hurt in you from long ago, from childhood but it doesn’t come out: you can’t cry. That hurt is blocked, repressed. You are afraid to feel it in all its intensity so you push it down. Yet the pain needs to come out, so you feel like inflicting pain on yourself (so to FEEL the pain, to let some of it out) or to end your life and be done with the pain. You are afraid of that hurt that is inside of you, pushed down, so your mind is racing: danger! Danger! Got to SOLVE the problem, the brain is over working, only rational thinking is not going to solve the problem, not by itself alone. That pain is overwhelming you, it wants OUT and you are too afraid to cry, too afraid to feel it in its enormity. You wish the pain to stop and you keep pushing it down. Meds, that is drugs do not work and therapy did not work… at least not enough, and nobody stands for you.

That HURT in you, it needs out, it needs to be acknowledged, validated, SEEN and heard. And treated with compassion. This is the solution. Of course, it is not easy, of course not. So what do you do?

One little step at a time. Would you like to share here, as in journaling, and I will read and respond (validating, compassionately) – share, tell, give that hurt, that pain a voice and let it be heard here:

Let the hurt, the pain tell its story: Kelly the child, who hurt you? How? For how long? Who didn’t stand up for you, protect you, be on YOUR side? Who left you alone with the pain when you were a child?

anita