Hi Kelly,

Well, the first thing is to get off deviantART. It is abusive. Does it not let you block people or delete comments? Try other websites ~ like on YouTube you can have COMMENTS CLOSED. Same for a blog or website. If you want comments, find a site that will let you approve them first. Then play a mind !@#$ game with the haters ~ their nasty comments can’t get through, only lovely comments are seen ~ and then you write a post THANKING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED ME, I am SO OVERWHELMED with the 100’s of LETTERS OF SUPPORT!! A Raffle Prize Goes to my 2000th/ LIKE!!! Basically make it “more” than you are. Your fan club will think it’s real/”real” and your haters will be the ones to feel isolated and lonely (hint: they already do).

As for Real Life, I can’t help you as much. Is it possible to change or even go off the meds? Get enough sunlight? Eat “Clean” (organic, no sugars/dairy/grains?) Take more walks (good for clearing the head)?Be happy alone? Meet new people? I’m sure you are a nice person, but people outside of school honestly don’t hold AS much value in new friendships. You have to invite people over. Try neighbors. Now that you are out of school, make friends of all ages. Make it low key. Like a group over for a Super Bowl Party.

Blessings,

Inky

Dear Kelly:

This is what you wrote:

“I was wanting to cry, I wanted to harm myself(I didn’t but was and still is tempting), my mind wouldn’t stop racing, I felt like I wasn’t in my body…I want to meet people but I just feel they will only hurt me. I been more depressed, and agitated the last few months than usual. None of my meds work, therapy I don’t know if it helps anymore, I just feel like nothing does…Just wish the pain can stop. I feel hopeless and helpless. No one ever stands up for me either which annoys me. I just feel alone.”

Here is my analysis: you wanted to cry but did not. There is deep hurt in you from long ago, from childhood but it doesn’t come out: you can’t cry. That hurt is blocked, repressed. You are afraid to feel it in all its intensity so you push it down. Yet the pain needs to come out, so you feel like inflicting pain on yourself (so to FEEL the pain, to let some of it out) or to end your life and be done with the pain. You are afraid of that hurt that is inside of you, pushed down, so your mind is racing: danger! Danger! Got to SOLVE the problem, the brain is over working, only rational thinking is not going to solve the problem, not by itself alone. That pain is overwhelming you, it wants OUT and you are too afraid to cry, too afraid to feel it in its enormity. You wish the pain to stop and you keep pushing it down. Meds, that is drugs do not work and therapy did not work… at least not enough, and nobody stands for you.

That HURT in you, it needs out, it needs to be acknowledged, validated, SEEN and heard. And treated with compassion. This is the solution. Of course, it is not easy, of course not. So what do you do?

One little step at a time. Would you like to share here, as in journaling, and I will read and respond (validating, compassionately) – share, tell, give that hurt, that pain a voice and let it be heard here:

Let the hurt, the pain tell its story: Kelly the child, who hurt you? How? For how long? Who didn’t stand up for you, protect you, be on YOUR side? Who left you alone with the pain when you were a child?

anita

Dear Kelly:

I have no doubt that as a child you were done a great disservice and injustice by your mother and fathers, at the least. I have no doubt that you were bullied by your mother, at the least.

You wrote you were bullied by your mother and by your sister “but they don’t see it like that”- which means the bullying, the invalidation keeps going on, present tense. Now. Bullies often do not “see it like that.” That is the nature of persistent bullies, unrepentant.

I hear you loud and clear that neither your mother, nor your father; not your grandmother… nobody in your family ever took your side. It is very painful and enraging because they should have…

Since they did not take your side (that would mean admitting they were/ are wrong), part of you still believes that it was YOU who were wrong. Part of you doubts yourself. You don’t fully realize that you were, indeed, undoubtedly good and innocent when you were a child, betrayed.

No matter how much you complain, you don’t believe yourself, do you?

And then it has become a so-far life sentence, to be bullied, alone.

I am supposing you are in regular contact with your mother, your father, sister, grandmother…?

Still taking in their invalidation, their disapproval, still waiting for them to change and validate and approve of you, admitting their were wrong?

I am so sorry. I understand your hurt and anger. Unfortunately, you have a healing journey to take on. Limiting or better, eliminating contact with ANYONE who bullies and invalidates you on a regular basis is necessary. That mean, your mother, your father, whoever invalidates you regularly, again and again over years.

It is about YOU taking YOUR OWN side, standing up for yourself. You can’t stand up for yourself at the same time that you are standing up for your mother, sister, etc.

Whose side are you? Who are you standing up for, all the way?

It must be scary to give up the hope of future approval from the people who already rejected you. But that hope is delusional. Somehow, you must find the strength to no longer stand on the side of those who betrayed you, and stand up for yourself.

What do you think?
anita

Kelly is it possible to get off that site and look for alternatives either online or real people groups. Below I have pasted something that Elizabeth Gilbert has written, not sure though but its a nice read. Hope it helps you.

Question of the Day: HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH CRITICISM?
Dear Ones –
The other night at a book event in Kansas, a woman asked me how I deal with criticism about my work and about myself — particularly online criticism. It’s a question that comes up a lot, so I thought I would take on the subject today, with the hopes that my words might help some of you — no matter who you are, or what you are doing with your life.
The simplest answer for me, when people ask me how i deal with criticism is to say, “I don’t.”
I don’t look at it, and I don’t look for it.
I avoid criticism about myself not because I DON’T care what people say about me, but because I DO care. I am sensitive and easily bruised. I know that critical words can hurt me, and I am not in the business of hurting myself on purpose.
There are major reviews that have been written about my work in serious, important newspapers that I have never even read. For instance: I know that I got a really bad review of COMMITTED in the New York Times several years ago by the legendary critic Janet Maslin, but I have absolutely no idea what she said about me, and I have no intention of ever finding out. (If you want to Google the review, go right ahead — but I sure won’t!) People told me that the review was bad (some of my kind friends warned me, and some of my not-so-kind friends just sent me the link — thanks, pals!) In all cases, I said, “Thanks for the info — see ya later!” and I turned my head the other way, the same way I turn my head when I pass a car accident on the road, or when the TV news is showing footage of a grisly murder.
I will not put those words in my head. I will not put those images in my head. To do so is an act of violence against myself, and I do not commit acts of violence against myself anymore.
I think it was the novelist John Updike who said that reading your own reviews is like eating a sandwich that might have some broken glass in it. I have nothing to gain by eating shards of broken glass. It doesn’t benefit me or anyone else to digest something that will cause internal bleeding.
If the review is nice and kind, on the other hand (and pre-screened by a loving family member) then I will read it. Because guess what? It’s really nice to hear people say nice things about your work! And it’s rare! So when it happens: Treat yourself! Enjoy the nice review! Which is to say: when that same Janet Maslin revewied THE SIGNATURE OF ALL THINGS in the New York Times and loved it, I treated myself to her review, because there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a nice sandwich with no broken glass in it. Because we all need to eat sometimes.
There are people who might say, “But how can you keep yourself honest as an artist, if you only listen to the good stuff, and don’t pay attention to your negative critics?”
I say in return: “It is MY own job to stay honest as an artist; it is not the job of the critic to keep me honest.”
The critic doesn’t work for me; the critic works for the newspaper. The critic has her own responsibility to keep herself honest, but she is not required to help me out, or to be a midwife to my career, or to have my best interests at heart. That is not the nature of our relationship. I do not resent that critics exist; this is a natural part of the creative landscape. But I do not listen to criticism from people who do not have my best interests at heart, because it does not serve me or make me a better person.
I DO listen to negative criticism about my work, however — but only from certain people, and only at a certain time.
The people who I listen to about my work are people who have earned the right to offer me criticism. There aren’t many of them, but they are precious. They are a few of my closest and most trusted friends, family members, and colleagues. Here is the test, to see if people are allowed to criticize me:
1) Do I trust your opinion and your taste?
2) Do I trust that you will understand what I am trying to create, and therefore can help me to improve it?
3) Do I trust that you have my best interests at heart — that there is no dark ulterior motive, and no hidden agenda in your criticism?
4) Do I trust that you can offer your criticism with a fundamental spirit of gentleness, so that I can actually hear it without being mortally wounded?
Gentleness is very important.
Because let’s talk about “brutally honest”. You know that friend of yours who proudly advertises herself as “brutally honest”? Yeah, well I know her, too. We all have a friend like that in our lives. Listen to me, dear ones: NEVER let her see your work; never ask her opinion; never show her your vulnerability. When somebody tells you that she is brutally honest, what she is actually telling you is ,”I am brutal.” What she is communicating to you is this: “You can trust that I am waiting for a chance to brutalize you. Now please give me an opportunity to hurt you.”
I don’t volunteer to be brutalized. Again, I don’t hate myself that much. Brutal honesty is no virtue. Honesty without kindness is not worth the price you pay for it. I can listen to honesty, but only when it comes from a whole-hearted person, who is not trying to draw blood.
As for WHEN I listen to criticism? I only listen when there is still a chance to fix or change the work. After the book is published, THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO ABOUT IT — so why would I go digging for criticism after the book is already printed, and it’s too late?
The age of the Internet has made it easier than ever for us to find out horrible things about ourselves. Anything we put online or into the world is subject to attack, derision, insult. But this doesn’t make the Internet an evil place. (Look how kind we are to each other on this Facebook page, for instance!) The Internet is also a glorious playground, where you can put yourself out there in ways humans have never been able to enjoy before. So enjoy that playground, and put your work forward. But don’t read the COMMENTS, you guys. Just don’t.
And don’t Google your name, unless you are looking for further self-injury.
(While we’re on the subject of avoiding self-injury, let me just throw this out there: Don’t Google your ex’s name, either. STEP AWAY FROM THE BURNING VEHICLE.)
Sometimes, of course, you can’t avoid seeing nasty things. Stuff pops up on Twitter and Facebook that is mean and harsh. Block it, mute it, move on. Don’t feed the trolls. Don’t engage. And never let the trolls stop you from using the miracle that is Internet. You have a right to speak, and a right to put your work forward, and a right to find your audience. Just keep putting yourself out there, and then — whenever possible — turn your head away from the reaction that may result.
Most of all, I beg you not to do this:
DO NOT put something out there into the world, and then go searching for an evil reaction to yourself or to your work.
DO NOT sit wide awake at 1am (usually with a pint of ice cream in your hand) and start digging until you find a horrible response.
DO NOT sit there all alone in a darkened room with the blue light of the computer shining on your face, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through all the nice things people have to say about you (and ignoring every single kind and generous and supportive comment) until — VOILA! — you finally find what you were looking for. Don’t go excavating until you finally find that one wickedly cruel comment that proves what you have always suspected in the darkest nightmare corner of your mind — that yes, you are a fraud, you have no talent, you are fat and ugly and worthless and pathetic.
DO NOT go digging, as I have seen my friends do so many times. Because if you dig long enough, you will find it. You will find the pain you were looking for.
Scrolling through the COMMENTS about yourself is like reading your roommate’s diary: It’s so tempting, because it’s sitting right there! But if you read long enough, eventually you will find something about yourself that will break your heart. Don’t do it. Put it down. Resist the temptation. Show the self-discipline that is necessary for self-care. Walk away.
I’ve watched creative friends of mine do such harm to themselves and their work, by digging through all the nutritional output about themselves until they finally find the one shard of glass in the sandwich, and then they take that shard of glass and cut themselves deeply with it. Sometimes those wounds last forever. And then they wonder why it’s so hard to be creative again.
Meanwhile, the asshole who wrote that nasty comment about you hit “send” on his evil message, then turned his attention back to watching porn and drinking beer and scratching his butt, and he never thought of you again…but you have put his words into your mind forever. And when you sit down to create the NEXT time, those words will still be echoing in your skull. (“You are talentless, you are worthless, you are garbage.”)
I refuse to do it. I refuse to hate myself that much. It’s hard enough to be creative, but I refuse to fill my creative space (my skull) with cruel and taunting words that will just make it all the worse.
Refusing to read nasty things about myself is not denial; it is AFFIRMATION. This is how I affirm my own life and my own creativity. This is how I protect myself, because I am the only one who can protect myself. This is how I keep the inside of my mind clean and fresh and ready to play again.
I said it the other day, and I will say it again: God gave me a soul to take care of, that soul is my own. I am the only one who can keep that soul safe. I am the only one who can protect my creativity so that my imagination can run and play freely in the world.
I want you all to put yourselves out there in the world — especially all you women! We need your voices, we need your creativity, we need your courage, we need your output. But do understand this: If you put yourself out there in the world, everyone has a right to respond to you however they want to — that’s the contract. They can attack you, they can insult you, they can undermine you.
BUT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO LISTEN TO THEM.
Turn your head from the violence. Find people to trust, and listen ONLY to them. Once you put your work out there, your work is finished. Let it go and walk away. Keep doing your work, keep putting yourself forward, and then turn your head from the darkness.
Take care of yourself. Create freely. Share bravely. But never go digging for broken glass.
ONWARD,
LG

Dear Kelly:

Let me know if you want more of my input and what about what I wrote to you on this thread you would like me to elaborate about.

Best wishes to you:
anita

Dear Kelly:

My answer is in the thread I started today “On guilt and Innocence”- inspired by your posts on this thread! To get rid of past hurts, you have to go into the past and free the child part of you that is held captive there. The child part of you is held captive in the past because of a deal that you made there, a deal you have to be released from. The deal you made as a child was something like this: I give you, mother (and/ or father) my innocence and take your guilt so that you will “love” me.

You wrote that you feel guilty, that you take the fault- that is the deal you made as a child and you are still keeping that deal. Keeping this deal depresses you and it keeps hurting you. To undo the deal, which was made when you were a child, you have to go back into the past and release the child-you from that deal.

Read the thread and let me know if you get what i am writing here.
anita