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  • #155022
    humour
    Participant

    It’s weird and hard to explain. It’s bitter sweet, push pull type of relationship that we ve had. My mother has also made tremendous effort and sacrifices but there have been too many conflicts in the extended family as well. Too much stress and sad memories overall. My father’s passing leaves a deep void in my heart. I wish there were good memories.

    Thanks for your reply Anita:) I should ve been a happy healthy individual at my age. I’ll work on it now. I want to be joyous, healthy and have fun 🙂

    #126169
    humour
    Participant

    Maybe you are right Anita. I had a strong belief system. It’s shattered now and I am so confused.
    I just want normalcy to return, the way I was before all kind of shitty stuff entered my life. I just want to enjoy simple pleasures, love myself and others. I want some kind of normalcy in my life. I am getting frustrated with regrets, things not turning out the way I wanted it to, my efforts not being recognised, me not able to meet my own expectations, people pleasing. I ve had enough! I want to forget everything, be reborn and just have fun:) I want to let go..Arrgghh. I feel I am the only one stopping myself. Yikes!

    #126155
    humour
    Participant

    You are partly right Anita. Nina, I was a very active person but for the last 4 years I ve been depressed. Not much enthusiasm. Janice, psychological stuff bother me too much. Stuff like guilt, anxiety, fear, not being good enough. I am not able to let go of past. Things are much better than 2014 and 2015. I want to get back to being cheerful. I want to forgive myself for my mistakes. I want to be able to take care of myself and be less of a martyr. I want to find love, freedom, joy within myself and without. Even a tiny spark of love will give me confidence and heal me. I want to be healthy. I am in my early 30s. I feel like I am 60. Feeling helpless, confused and wondering why things had to happen the way it did…

    #118825
    humour
    Participant

    Yes Anita. That’s true. Once I am assertive, I get all sensitive thinking I hurt the other person. I hurt myself because of the overthinking. I have to rewire my brain. Lol

    #118780
    humour
    Participant

    God bless your heart for writing this post. Yes, all I care about is contentment. It has been so terribly hard for me in this regard. Right now this is trickling down to all areas of my life, example, at work.
    Take care. All the best to you brav3.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by humour.
    #118778
    humour
    Participant

    That’s true Anita. I want to be strong in a quiet sort of way. I wish it wasn’t mistaken for weakness. I am not sure if I am making sense. It’s the same as introverts who get misunderstood.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by humour.
    #118731
    humour
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for replying.
    It is inherent in my nature to help people and this attitude spills over at work as well. Some of teammates criticize me that Ï have to learn to clean my house first and then clean others’ houses. They think I am not assertive enough and they take advantage of it at times. My team lead behaves immature at times. There are some things I have told him in private, for instance I am new to this and I do not have much experience regarding this process. When telling another team, he puts me down by saying, “where does she have any experience in this.” It was very hurtful because his tone was very offensive, the tone of putting down someone. I thought he was a nice person/leader but I have observed that in more than one occasion he has spoken like this. I might be not so assertive but I think I can make a fine leader if given the chance. I don’t stand up for myself when someone speaks hurtfully and I am not sure of the reason. I ve been hurt a lot in life and experienced so much pain and I never want another person to experience the pain. I am very sensitive. I take all their c*** and don’t speak out but that does not mean i am a doormat. I have feelings too. Me not being assertive has to do with my upbringing and I’ve seen enough bad in the world. I am trying to unlearn so many things and it is taking time to be assertive and stuff on those lines.
    I am getting thoughts like “Why should someone boss over me? Just because i don’t talk back that does not mean I am not hurt and just because I help people that does not mean I am not assertive. I finally want to make some good memories in life and make friends.” I value relationships more than anything else but of course no one understands all this.

    I know I have to create harmony within myself because being emotional and sensitive is creating problems in every sphere of my life. I have to go within and heal it. In this regard I realized that I do not have to prove to anything to anybody. I have long fought for strenght, recognition (ex- promotions, pay hikes). At this moment in my life I want freedom from all this. Its alright if “they” think I am not assertive (I am new to work and chose it because I like it. I have a lot of prior experience). I’ve had enough of trying to prove myself to managers and now I choose not to! I’ll just do my best and enjoy work. I just don’t like being bossed over by someone (this is something I have to try to heal and will work on it).
    If I can bring harmony within myself, all this will not hurt me no matter what. I have to let go off my ego. I’ll try and meditate and calm down and let nothing affect me. I’ll work on making good memories and loving myself in spite of my flaws.

    I have tried to be a lion and tiger during different phases of my life. I’ve had those experiences. Now, I choose to be a wolf because i value freedom more, at this stage in my life. I have seen that one can be happy being a wolf as well.

    Its so kind of you to have replied back. Take care. Have a nice day Anita 🙂

    #116309
    humour
    Participant

    Hey thanks guys! Thank you so much, everyone of you for taking the time out to reply. I am still going through the write up suggestions. Thank you for sharing personal experiences as well. Makes me feel that I m not alone. 🙂

    #107436
    humour
    Participant

    Hi dreaming,

    I guess you are doing all the ‘right’ things which someone does when looking for a long term commitment. Do these guys state initially if they too are interested in long term relationships? Once they disappear have you considered asking any of them the reason, just the way you have put it across here, letting them know clearly that you are willing to break it off but you need to know what didn’t work out. Not sure if they would give an honest answer but just wondering if you’ve given this a try. I was just wondering if the “we need to talk” phase ever happens with these disappearing men because it’s not fair for you and more so because of the repetitive pattern.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by humour.
    #106920
    humour
    Participant

    Hi adyonfire,
    Sorry that you had to go through all this .
    Is it possible for you to take up a job and study parallely?
    You will meet new people, interact with clients, get busy with your work which will keep you engaged. You might find good friends at your workplace. Even if you don’t make friends,work may help you not to dwell so much on this situation. You can slowly work on getting back the focus you need for studies. Just a thought. Good luck.

    #106863
    humour
    Participant

    Hi Ravi,
    I am not sure about your nature I.e.if you are generally a happy person and if only the last few years have been depressing. If that’s the case I guess you’ll figure out a way to get rid of your challenges, eventually.
    I have been mildly melancholic/thinking deeply most of the time, especially when left alone. Also a self critic but not a healthy one. I am aware of these now and trying to change, although it’s hard.
    From your post I can sense that you could be a negative self critic yourself.
    I know that when I am through with my current challenge, I will face another one and then another. I feel thats the way of life. Some challenges are easier to handle than others. It helps me if I think of them as part of the learning process and try my best not to go into ‘i deserve it’ mode.I used to fight hard at every challenge, taking life so seriously ( I still do because it’s so ingrained) but now I have no strength left. I was watching an astrology video recently in which the astrologer said something so appropriate. This is a gist of what she said. It’s possible to be an optimist or a pessimist but there is also a neutral state in between. People who are able to stay positive always, very good for them. Those who have a tendency to go into chronic depression or criticising oneself often will find it difficult to jump back up to the positive state. It’s good to maintain your energy at a neutral state. Falling into the state of sadness several times can make it tough to get back to neutral. Once you sense that the depression is setting in, do something, do anything to get to the neutral state, like taking a walk,meditating, watching funny videos or whatever works for you. I am learning this the hard way. I realised that I am emotional and sensitive and at every challenge, I react the way I know best, emotional touchiness in my case. It’s draining me physically and mentally. Now, I try my best to get back to neutral.
    You must be going through the toughest trial in your life right now, not to mention the regrets and other things but try to stay neutral. I know how hard this can be but for your own sanity try not to lose control of your mind. Try your best not be your own worst critic. You seem to be a good guy. I hope things get better for you. Take care.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by humour.
    #106804
    humour
    Participant

    I am sorry for what you are going through north.
    Good advice there. Its been a while since I made this post. Right now I am feeling much better about’ death’ and ‘unknown’ and stuff along these lines than I did earlier. Thank you for your reply. Really appreciate it. And take care.

    #106802
    humour
    Participant

    Glad to know you are doing better Mete. I am still finding it difficult to deal with it. I hope it gets better for me as well. Good luck with your studies! Take care.

    #106277
    humour
    Participant

    Hi mnml,
    Things will definitely get better. wishing you the best!
    And the rest of you who replied, thank you for the wonderful advice. It helped a lot!

    #105839
    humour
    Participant

    Hi Gary,
    I read your blog on the litany against fear and the litany of love. Its beautiful. Do you repeat these lines(the ones in your blog) everyday, sort of like meditate on them or do you put it up where you can see it everyday.

    “A person of higher nature goes through it and out the other side in order to remove the threat permanently.” Wow!
    I want this statement to manifest in my life. I’ll do my best! Thank you for the wonderful article Gary 🙂

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by humour.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 62 total)