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Viewing 12 posts - 31 through 42 (of 42 total)
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  • #410524
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    you are welcome.

    I usually don’t get angry easily, yet I will think on the lines you have mentioned, Tee.

    Please do, because I don’t think you’re a super laid back person with a thick skin, who isn’t hurt by anything, are you? It sounds more like you are hurt and upset by things, but instead of reacting, you rather suppress those emotions. You don’t like reacting and showing people what you feel (am I right in assuming this?). And binge eating could be a way to soothe yourself, or distract yourself, so that you don’t feel those unpleasant emotions.

    I agree with anita that it would help to observe yourself and see what triggers your binge eating episodes…

    Actually the split is in my family of origin and it was natural, due to death and my sibling moving out after being marriage.

    I see… so the split happened in 2017, when your father died and your sister moved out after she got married? Are you currently living with your mother?

    I am looking out for a partner but haven’t been successful on that front.

    You’re welcome to share more about it, if you’d like to…

     

    #410578
    humour
    Participant

    Yes Tee, I am currently living with my mother.

    Maybe there is more than one reason causing me to binge eat. I am not able to figure it out. I feel hungry most of the time but this is not happening since a long time, just a recent development.

    “Please do, because I don’t think you’re a super laid back person with a thick skin, who isn’t hurt by anything, are you? ”

    Hehe. Yes I will work on it.

    “You’re welcome to share more about it, if you’d like to…”

    I just feel very unclear and foggy in this regard. The person I like doesn’t like me back or vice versa. Just one time I let a person go and I regret it.

    #410587
    anita
    Participant

    Dear humour:

    Maybe there is more than one reason causing me to binge eat. I am not able to figure it out. I feel hungry most of the time“- hungry for nutrients (protein, carbohydrates, fats, vitamins & minerals) or hungry for a good feeling/ distraction from a bad feeling?

    anita

    #410602
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    Maybe there is more than one reason causing me to binge eat. I am not able to figure it out. I feel hungry most of the time but this is not happening since a long time, just a recent development.

    If you feel hungry most of the time, it could be even something to do with your health, e.g. diabetes or hyperthyroidism. Did you have your blood work done recently? When you binge eat, do you feel hungry, or it’s more like “emotional” eating?

    Yes Tee, I am currently living with my mother.

    And how is it to live with your mother? You’ve shared that you like to help, so I am guessing you’re helping her a lot? How is it otherwise? (if you’d like to share)

    I think understanding your relationship with your mother (and your late father) can help you understand yourself and also the way you behave in romantic relationships. For example, if we haven’t felt loved as children, we’ll often be attracted to people who aren’t interested in us, or who are emotionally unavailable. And we’ll suffer because our love isn’t reciprocated. Maybe you had experiences like that?

     

    #410625
    humour
    Participant

    I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

    “And how is it to live with your mother? You’ve shared that you like to help, so I am guessing you’re helping her a lot? How is it otherwise?”

    These days because of office work, I am unable to help much. My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc. We have a fairly healthy relationship.

    “For example, if we haven’t felt loved as children, we’ll often be attracted to people who aren’t interested in us, or who are emotionally unavailable. And we’ll suffer because our love isn’t reciprocated. Maybe you had experiences like that?”

    Experiences are teaching me a lot of things. I wish I did not have to learn this way. The downside is I am losing people although I m gaining a lot of lessons on the art of living.

    #410637
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

    I see… so it’s mostly emotional eating then. I was like that too – wanted to get a good feeling, to forget about the pain (but as I said, I didn’t know back then that I was soothing myself…).

    My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc. We have a fairly healthy relationship.

    That’s good to hear. So with her you feel you can stand up for yourself and set boundaries, without feeling guilty? And what you said earlier that you often don’t know what a normal reaction is – it happens in other relationships?

    Experiences are teaching me a lot of things. I wish I did not have to learn this way. The downside is I am losing people although I m gaining a lot of lessons on the art of living.

    Due to your negative experiences in childhood, you’ve adopted a certain belief system and certain core beliefs about yourself, which aren’t true. You may not be aware of those false beliefs, but they are affecting you and your relationships even to this day. And if you haven’t healed those childhood wounds properly, I am guessing that similar unpleasant experiences keep happening to you, and they are only confirming those false beliefs that you have about yourself or other people (or the world). That’s probably one of the reasons why you’re “losing people”. Because you’re reacting from those old wounds…

    Have you been in therapy? Have you worked on your childhood wounds and your unmet childhood needs?

     

    #410640
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc.

    So she does blame you sometimes? What is she blaming you for, if I may ask?

    It could be that your mother needs you as her care-taker, so when you’re down, she wants to make you feel better, and that’s why she is supportive. However, her motive might be to cheer you up, so you can take care of her again.

    But when you have needs of your own, she might be blaming you for those needs? She might be supportive conditionally – only when it suits her. Is that what your dynamics look like?

     

    #410646
    humour
    Participant

    Actually my mother is healing with me but she has always been strong and supportive and kept the family together. Actually, she can do without me. Its just minor tiffs we have sometimes.

    “You may not be aware of those false beliefs”

    Exactly! I sometimes don’t understand what ‘normal’ means or how I am perceived or if I am saying the right things etc.

    #410653
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    Actually my mother is healing with me but she has always been strong and supportive and kept the family together.

    You said she used to be strong and supportive, but when your father died in 2017, she suddenly became weak and fragile, both physically and emotionally:

    My mother has always been a strong lady who took care of all important things around the house but once my father passed on, my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally. She has grown tender towards me. … I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. … I find it hard to accept the fact that mom could get lonely…

    Does it mean that she has returned to her usual strong self in the last 5 years? And that you’re not worried any more about her being lonely and unhappy?

    As for binge eating, you said:

    I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

    Are you perhaps aware of an inner critical voice (the inner critic) which is telling you certain negative things about yourself? For example, “I’ll never be happy”, or “I am such a freak” (both of these is what I’ve been telling myself while suffering from an ED). So what are those thoughts/beliefs that you have about yourself, which sort of run half-consciously in the back of your mind?

     

    #410682
    humour
    Participant

    My mother has grown weak with age but she has returned to her usual strong self. She just wants to see me happy.

    “Are you perhaps aware of an inner critical voice (the inner critic) which is telling you certain negative things about yourself? For example, “I’ll never be happy”, or “I am such a freak” (both of these is what I’ve been telling myself while suffering from an ED). So what are those thoughts/beliefs that you have about yourself, which sort of run half-consciously in the back of your mind?”

    I may be falling behind in life, not sure of the choices I have made, little afraid to make choices for the future. Everyone around me seems to be making a lot of progress. I don’t think I have failed but I feel I have not lived upto my true potential.

    #410685
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear humour,

    My mother has grown weak with age but she has returned to her usual strong self. She just wants to see me happy.

    It’s good to hear your mother has gotten stronger again and “can do without you”, i.e. doesn’t depend on your help. My mother also always said she wants me to be happy, however she criticized me a lot while I was growing up and didn’t have faith in me. So she kind of ruined my capacity to be happy… It took me many years to regain it…

    And it’s always like that with childhood trauma – it ruins or severely limits our capacity for happiness. For example, we may feel confused and incapable of knowing what’s good for us. We don’t trust ourselves. I was like that. It came from my mother’s criticism of me, and then later I made some wrong choices, which left me feeling I can’t trust my judgment and I don’t know what is good for me.

    It seems that you too have a similar belief about yourself:

    I may be falling behind in life, not sure of the choices I have made, little afraid to make choices for the future. Everyone around me seems to be making a lot of progress. I don’t think I have failed but I feel I have not lived upto my true potential.

    It seems you too believe that you can’t trust your judgment and that you’re afraid of making choices in the future. Another belief that I see in your words is “I am falling behind, I am worse than others”, which usually boils down to “I am a failure.” I had this belief for a long time too.

    My false core beliefs are mostly the consequence of my mother’s heavy criticism, and then my father not protecting me from it, not standing up for me. So I was alone mostly, no one giving me encouragement and support, and no one telling me that I was lovable and worthy. I adopted the belief that I was faulty to my core. And also worthless.

    I wonder what your family dynamics was. You did share a little about your family, mostly that yours wasn’t a happy and “normal” family. And that you tried everything to make them happy, but failed. What was your relationship with your mother, i.e. your father when you were a child? Because it defines what messages and false beliefs we adopt about ourselves.

     

    #410731
    humour
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I can relate to the things you have mentioned. Is there any book I can read which will give me pointers on how to be more confident, trust myself and so on?

    My mother used to work very hard to take care of us. She would take care of my father and us no matter what happened. I did not have any communication with my mother growing up. She used to be very busy. Its only since a few years we talk to each other.

Viewing 12 posts - 31 through 42 (of 42 total)

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