Dear Inky:

As I read you writing she was apologizing by writing I am pure (her last words to me)- I felt that heat all through, this uncomfortable heat wave, and got up to have breakfast, that sweet cocoa flavor, apple and banana, to feel better. And thought about it while I ate.

I did think she was apologizing when I first read it and it sounds very reasonable that she was. But maybe she was not. I do not trust her. The reason I was feeling that heat wave, i believe, it was fear. The thought that she loved me enough to apologize (and that she loved me enough to feed me and buy me things and take care of me when I had fever) scares the hell out of me because there was always all that HOPE there, in me, the hope that she will see me more than a physical body that needs to be fed and clothed and kept alive.

I went on and on and on WAITING for her for fifty years, trying so hard and in so many ways.

The white flag of surrender- should have waved that in my twenties.

I think it is a very good point you made, Inky, about her stating I was pure but not that she was un-pure. It is a compartmentalized apology: you were pure, she wrote and stopped there, not disturbing the I -may-be-unpure compartment.

anita