Dear Lily:

Your mixed feelings during these interactions with this man indicate that you are not seeing clearly what has been going on.

People can tell you what they believe is going on but it is only when you have your emotions to back up an understanding of what is going on, then you KNOW what is going on. Your conflicting emotions so far are confusing you.

You see different and conflicting evidence in front of you in your efforts to understand the reality of this “bad relationship.” On one hand sometimes he says: “I love you” and he is trying to be in your physical presence, to feel your body and he gets pleasure out of it. Sometimes you look in his eyes and you see kindness and sincerity.

On the other hand he invades your privacy, calls you “sick” and other unkind words, blames you, does not spend time with you outside of sex… these are evidence pointing to a different conclusion than the first set of evidence.

So what is it that is REALLY going on?

I do believe good psychotherapy will be very, very helpful to you in doing just that: figuring out what is going on, getting an understanding, being able to realistically evaluate situations and interactions so to be able to function in a way that makes sense and which promotes your well being.

If you would like to further discuss this, I am more than willing.

I will leave you for now with this comment: I was very saddened from the moment I read your original post, yesterday. I could see the way I was in your description of your experiences with this person. I believe, and this is what makes me so sad, that you don’t know what it means to be loved… I didn’t know either… and therefore you can’t TELL if this person loves you or not. You don’t know how the real thing (love) looks like or feels.

Hope to read from you more…

anita