Dear Eddy and Anita, thank you for reading my post and trying to help me!
Anita:

As a child, my relationship with my father was not very good. My parents are very religous and they were disappointed when I let them know that religion was not for me. They still made me go to church and church related things, which I didn’t like.
My father is also not easy to get along with. He is very critical of everything and during childhood he also was critical of me. When my sister and I would fight, she always went to get my father and he always punished me and protected her. At least that is how I felt. I don’t know how accurate that memory is, I also wasn’t very nice to my sister!
About the invasion of privacy: well my father kept the key for the bathroom, because he was worried about someone hurting themself and then not being able to help. My parents would not enter the bathroom intentionally when I was using it, but it still made me feel uneasy.

Eddy:
I know it is not a real relationship, he even gets angry when I use the word and calls me sick.
The weird thing is, I realized very early on that this is not a healthy relationship but somehow I could not end it! Yesterday it happened again! In the morning he sent me that message that I had supposedly infected him and that I should get lost. He had written me all week about him being sick and about wanting my help and I had ignored it. But then I sent him a message telling him that I can’t help him and that he should ask a friend or doctor and leave me alone.
So later he wrote me again about wanting to talk and that I got everything wrong. He also wanted my help for a project he has to do for his studies. So we texted for a while, me saying I don’t want to talk to him, he not accepting it. After I repeatedly told him that I don’t want him to come to my room he called me a slut and said that I was not a human and that I was nothing. Because a human would talk it out. Then he still kept on writing me. I should not have written him back!
When he knocked at my door, I let him in. We talked. He insisted on lying down on my bed and me lying next to him. I tried to resist, but somehow I always do what he wants. He also made me hug him and kissed me even though I asked him not to. Then he told me he loved me, I was very confused and did not know what to say. It just made me feel guilty and uneasy. Later he said that he loved me as a friend and that he wants to see me happy. That he wants to even invite me to eat with him and his friends if they come visit him… I said that we could try to be friends, but I had my doubts. We have already tried being friends and it didn’t work! He still would touch me and try to have sex with me. And I just went along with it sometimes.
Then we would fight. He says it’s me who starts the fights, but I feel that I have to constantly have to defend myself against him!
So after a sleepless night I wrote another message to him that we can’t be friends and that I want no contact. This time I even blocked his facebook.
I feel like a very terrible person right now. Maybe it’s me who is the abusive one, maybe I’m playing with his feelings… It seems like he really has feelings for me! But I just cannot trust him! Maybe he is right and I am sick! In any case, it’s better if this thing ends. I think I am not good for him and he is not good for me. Part of me misses him, part of me wants to be friends, but I think it can never work!

Dear anita,
thank you again for your advice. It really helps me to just write down my thoughts, because I still feel confused.

I know this was not love. Maybe he had feelings for me, but he did not treat me respectfully. And I don’t even know about my own feelings… The whole situation just was too much for me and I did not know how to handle it.

I think for him it’s just completely normal that when a man wants sex, the woman has to give it to him. He could absolutely not understand that I did not feel comfortable with this. I tried to explain it to him many times, but it was of no use! He said he had regretted what he had done to me, but he also said it was not because of me, but because of the sins we had commited according to his religion. He also apologized, but later did the same again.

On one hand, I feel sorry for him, because the rules of his religion and his culture are so strict, that it must be hard for him to live up to this ideal. It’s normal that he wants sex, but if he gets it before marriage, it’s a sin. So it must be kept a secret…

But on the other hand, I hate the way he talks about women and that he can absolutely not see their point of view! He said that german women (I’m from Germany) sleep with everyone. He also seems to expect that his future wife is a virgin, when he himself is not. He even said that he does not want the “garbage” from another man! Well, I don’t know if he was serious about that, because he later said that it was not true and that he just wanted to know what I would say… On other occasions he said that he doesn’t mind if a woman has been with another man, as long as she is honest about it. I don’t know who he really is and what he really believes in? Why does he feel the need to constantly test me?

For me this was the first “relationship” in my life. I’m not that young any more, but I am extremely shy, especially with men… Before this thing I was okay with the fact that I would likely stay alone my whole life… I wonder if I will ever experience a normal relationship in my life? Or if this experience is all I get? But for now, I think it’s better to stay alone. First I need to work on my problems. Even before all of this happened I wanted to go to psychotherapy. Last week I had a first talk with a therapist, but they can only offer me an appointment in 6 – 8 months. So I have to continue looking! I already made a list with therapists to call.

Since I wrote this message to him, he hasn’t knocked on my door or contacted me any more. I hope that means it’s over now! But he also deleted his facebook. Maybe because I wrote that if he was to ever harass me again, I would file a complaint against him. I didn’t want to scare him off facebook, I just wanted him to leave me alone. Because I don’t think anything good will come out of this! And I can’t act like nothing happened and be friends with him now! But I don’t plan on doing anything against him.

I worry a bit about him. And I’m sorry for my share in this failed “relationship”. All the time I think about the things I said to him. Once I even said that he had raped me… But I apologized for it later and said that it wasn’t rape… I constantly blamed him. The whole thing was just toxic and I wish I would have been able to end it sooner! But he also was so persistent! And I was confused. For some time I hoped to at least be friends with him. But when we tried to be friends, it didn’t work! We still did sexual things together, which made me feel uncomfortable, because this was not a real relationship and because he would always pressure me and everything would end up in a huge fight…

I do hope that this over now! I wonder what will happen when I meet him accidently… After all, we live at the same place. I want to move out, but most likely it will take me a few months.

Thank you if you took the time to read all of this…

Dear anita,
how did you get on that path to healing? Did you also try therapy? It gives me hope to hear that other people with similar issues can overcome them or at least learn how to deal better with them. I hope that will be possible for me too one day!

I agree with you, I think as well that he is confused! It must be hard for him to live so far away from his family, in a country with a culture so different from his own. I also don’t think that he is a bad person. In his culture, this kind of behavior and his views are normal, I guess. But I still cannot let him treat me this way. You are right, for now I should focus more on myself. I surely have enough work to do with that alone!

I don’t think it will be possible to talk to him again and I also am not sure if it’s a good idea! He was the one who wanted to talk to me and wanted to be friends, but I pushed him away again and again. I think after my final message this door is closed. It was not a very nice message.
I wrote: Yesterday I said that we could be friends, but it’s not possible! I don’t want that! Not after everything that happened. I can’t act like it never happened. I don’t feel comfortable in your presence. You don’t respect my choices and you immediately offend me if I don’t do what you want… Please leave me alone! If you continue to harrass me, I will file a complaint against you. So don’t you ever knock on my door again! I’m blocking you on facebook now. I DON’T WANT ANY CONTACT WITH YOU!

I must have really hurt him! He even deleted his facebook… I guess I should have at least told him in person… But in the past, it just didn’t work. Often when I tried to talk to him, he thought I wanted sex. Also he would not leave my room if I asked him to or would not let me leave his room. And I also can express myself better in writing than orally. Okay, maybe it was just the easier route for me. I guess it was also not fair to not give him a way to respond…

But I was so scared that everything would start all over again! That we would end up having sex and fighting and hurting each other. The sexual attraction is just too strong, especially on his part. Even the day before, when we talked about being friends, he insisted on me lying down next to him in my bed and he wanted to touch me and rubbed himself against me. And I also do what he wants in the end most of the time. Because I also enjoy it when he hugs me and all that and I have trouble saying no. But at the same time I know that we are too different and I also can’t accept how he treats me not respectfully… And then I get scared that he just wants to use me and I start to fight and blame him…

So I thought not staying in contact would be the best. So that it would end, so that I could move on and he too. Even though one part of me really wants to be friends. But I think I should leave it be now. I’m just thinking about telling him that he doesn’t have to be scared and that I won’t do anything against him… Still, I’m scared that this might start this toxic cycle again and so I guess I will let it be…

Thank you again! It’s so kind of you to help me and others in this forum!

Lily.

Dear Anita,

I haven’t heard from him or seen him since I sent him this message, last friday. I hope this is the end of it and that I will finally be able to move on now. Still, I’m a bit worried about what will happen when I meet him by chance. Most likely he will blame it all on me and just tell himself that I’m crazy or a slut or whatever. My plan is to just say hello to him, but to not start any conversation. It’s really a problem that we live at the same place! Otherwise I would have been able to end it sooner, I’m sure.

About the thing with the bathroom key: my father is a really pessimistic person. He seems to always expect the worst, is very critical of people and there are few things he likes. It can be difficult to live with him…

What I meant was, that he took the key so that in case of an emergency he could help us. Like, if somebody accidently tripped and fell and broke their leg or something like that.

I think I’m a bit like my father, I also worry a lot. But I’m more tolerant and openminded, I think. But he has become more understanding during the last years, too. At least towards me (he still has his very strong opinions). Maybe it’s because I’m more reasonable myself now.

Thank you again, Lily.

Dear Anita,

I was not sure anymore about my own memories of the past, so I asked my sister. She confirmed that my parents also took away the keys from our rooms and did not knock before entering. I don’t know if this has a meaning.

The main problem is that I don’t have a lot confidence in myself. I’m not very happy with who I am and I don’t really trust my own judgement…

Today I saw him at the bathroom but didn’t say anything to him. When I came back he hid behind my door! I just don’t know anymore! Then he told me he loved me and made me lie down next to him and kissed me. I repeatedly told him that he should leave. In the end he apologized, made me swear that I won’t report him and promised to leave me alone from now on. I don’t really believe in it. I guess I have to lock my door now if I want to use the bathroom!

Lily