Maybe there is something more important you need to do for yourself than forgive him. It sounds like you have let him consume your thoughts. You sound like a sweet beautiful person who he would have been blessed/lucky to have in his life. You sound intelligent and thoughtful

You are going to probably get advice from people more gentle than me. I put up with a lot from past boyfriends–was abandon by my 1st love when I was pregnant. Beaten and lost stillborn child at 8 monthes–blah blah. I could tell you sob stories–but I am not a sob story.

I am a strong person who works on anxiety, and compulsive negative thinking every day. THE MORE BS YOU PUT YOURSELF THRU _THE MORE SAD @#*& YOU HAVE TO WORK THRU.

Happiness is a choice. You don’t get to bring him into your happy life-or it wont be happy. Work on you. Don’t even worry about one day forgiving him, you might–but you need to focus on yourself right now.

Elsewhere on this tiny Buddha site/home page is inspiring information. there are people on the forums who can help and tell you step by step ways to help deal with HIM.

I say look out for yourself. Ask for help not thinking of him–purge him from your life. Have a great life without him.