Hi guys, this is my first post ever so I’m probably going to sound a bit awkward. Anyway, I’m in a relationship right, or at least I think I still am. But first, a bit of context about myself: I have been struggling for a long time with anxiety and depression and my instinct when dealing with negative emotions is to just try and push them down because I don’t want to deal with the pain and it often just ends up culminating into big episodes of breakdowns for me where I just get so overwhelmed with my emotions, I have outbursts when they overflow. I deal with a lot of self-loathing and beating myself up and I sometimes want to hurt myself when everything just feels like it’s too much.

Ok, so I met this guy 2 years ago and we got along really well. Like we became friends pretty much immediately and just wanted to hang out a lot. We eventually started dating but broke up after a few months when he realised he wasn’t completely over his ex and had jumped into a relationship too early because he really liked me. We broke up and I took some time to try and sort out my own issues and he started seeing a counsellor again (he’d seen a few before for depression as well) and after about 3 months, we kinda felt ready to try again.

And everything was pretty great. We fell really in love and it just felt completely different from the first time we got together, it was difficult to get past the hurt from when we broke up in the first place but we made do and most of the time, we were really happy together. I did have a few breakdowns here and there but he was always there for me and I supported him through his tough times too.

So fast forward to about a few months ago, I just started getting really anxious and panicking about my life, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I started a masters in september but got really depressed that I just couldn’t function and I dropped out because I just wasn’t getting anything done. He stood by me through all of that, me having outbursts of emotion and sometimes hurting myself and sometimes I would push him away because I felt bad about him having to go through all of that but we somehow always managed to work it out and carry on as before.

Then about 2 nights ago, I was recently feeling really stressed about visa issues and just generally about what I wanted to do with my life. I was feeling really overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to deal with all my emotions, I just kinda started hitting myself (it wasn’t the first time I did that). He tried to get me to stop but I was really worked up so he kinda just gave up after awhile and put on his coat and shoes and I asked him where he was going and he said he needed to take a walk. I don’t know why but something in me after that just felt like he was abandoning me, I mean, it might have been because he just got up to leave and didn’t tell me where he was going (until I got up and asked him) or just the panic and anxiety from the stress I had been experiencing just made me so scared he was going to abandon me and leave me forever (I have abandonment issues as well from childhood when my mum left my dad and wasn’t very present for most of my developmental years). And I don’t know, I told him I wanted to kill myself. I told him that if he left, I was going to die. (and I feel so ashamed of typing this out now) but I went into this complete meltdown, like I just started sobbing and tried to break down the window to outside and he tried to calm me down and comfort me but I just couldn’t calm down. And eventually he pulled me off the ledge and sat me down on the bed and when I started to calm down, he just had enough. He said the whole experience was very frightening and very traumatising and that he wasn’t sure if he could handle any more of this.

So, basically, I don’t know where we are right now. He says a part of him still loves me just the same but at the same time, another part of him doesn’t know or doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It’s driving me insane because I am so bad at dealing with uncertainty and at the same time, I feel so guilty and ashamed for what I did. It was so irrational, I just couldn’t comprehend the state of mind I was in when it happened after I had gotten some semblance of rationality back. He went away for the weekend to spend some time with his best friend so he could possibly have some time away from me to think and process his feelings and we’ve agreed not to talk (we usually talk to each other constantly whether in person or through messages, we’re usually always, always connected somehow) and only chat to catch up in the evenings.

And I’m just struggling so much to stop my head from exploding. I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss him, how much I want him to come back (as in decide that he ultimately still wants to stay with me) and I know no matter how much worrying I do, I can’t affect his decision but I just have so many emotions. I haven’t slept much at all the past 2 nights and I always wake up and cry and I’m crying pretty much at random points during the day. It feels like I’m going through a break-up right now when I don’t actually know if I am? I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do, and if you took the time to read all of that, thank you so much. I didn’t include all the details because I didn’t want this to turn into an essay.

I just…feel so helpless right now and I just desperately don’t want my relationship to end 🙁