Hi dreaming715, me again. I agree with what Matty has said in his post above. Just thought I’d share with you a bit more of my story so you know you are not alone. Up to a couple of weeks ago, I had all these similar feelings of wanting to be a hermit, not dealing with people anymore because relationships are just too hard sometimes and people are a real pain.

I have been married almost 15 years but it’s not in the best state. A year ago, I found out that the other half was having an emotional affair with his colleague who reports to him. I’ve not quite recovered from that experience because they work together still and I am paranoid all the time. Quite a disaster but that’s another story. That was the major reason for that emotional void I had, and attempted to fill with the narcissist “friend”. Almost my own emotional affair in return. I’ve not told anyone this before because I know it’s so stupid and pathetic in some way, so please don’t judge me. I was feeling lonely, unloved and unsupported because similarly, my family lives 7 hours away by plane in another country and I do not have friends who have time for me at all. Everyone is busy with their own lives anyway. I thought that was the friend who could make me happy even if for a short time, even if it was wrong. It was like a drug addiction I had – every time I felt upset, texting him and hearing from him would cheer me up but he also tore me down so many times with his lack of respect for what I thought was a friendship. It wasn’t romantic but he was someone I thought I had a connection with when I felt that I was not connected to anyone else in the whole world.

Why I want to tell you this now is because you are feeling alone and sad as a result of losing that relationship on top of everything else you are going through. However, I’ve learnt now that you cannot tell yourself that you need other people around you to make you happy. You could be in a relationship and not happy, you could be alone but still be happy. The last year has been the worst of my life. I’ve even thought I was depressed but it was really the additional weight of dealing with someone you care about who does not give a damn about you in reality on top of all my other problems.

I’ve spent 4 months trying to get over that “friendship” – obviously time better spent trying to fix my marriage but that’s time past now anyway. As I start to feel a bit better about letting go even though I’ve got no closure (because I really did want to give him a piece of my mind too), I feel more positive each day. I try and be open to letting other people into my consciousness instead of shutting them out with my negativity and unhappiness. They could be new (and most likely better) friends down the road. Even with the other half, I’m still working on telling myself that I don’t need him to make me happy too. I’ll do stuff I want to do, treat myself to nice things occasionally and focus on doing things that I am good at so I feel better about myself. If I have to be alone one day, I know I can cope.

You have a roommate who has been there for you for so many years. Don’t let the arrival and departure of the narcissist you unfortunately met, ruin your other relationships. I know it is hard because I’ve just been there but you will get out of this eventually. Happiness is different things for different people.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Mishy.

I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble.

Hello. I’m writing this because I am going through a hard time too myself, even though the circumstances are different. Anyway, I’d like to refer to the fragment where you talk about strength. That’s the idea I try to re-define in my life too, so my words may sound empty a bit, but I’ll share it with you anyways.

(TL;DR: You’re strong when you feel weak, but still do what you want to / have to do)

I tend to idealize the image of myself. I divide it to “perfect me” and “real me”. Perfect me is… well, obviously perfect. 🙂 It’s strong, it’s hopeful, it’s full of optimism and hope. And then I look at me and I see this miserable, self-loathing bastard. And guess what. I loathe myself even more. What I have to understand (and you probably too) is that “strength” concept is imaginary. It doesn’t come naturally. And actually strength shows up when you feel like you couldn’t been weaker. But the most important part about it is that you are not strong when you go through life, defeating all the obstacles that get in your way with ease. You will not feel pleasant and happy and content while fighting your fears and inner barriers. I wish it was that way but it’s not. It’s just a wishful thinking. The real strength shows up when you do all you have to do, struggle with all that’s painful to you DESPITE OF lack of energy and faith. Do you know how many times I don’t feel like doing anything? And how often I actually DO NOT do anything? But I’ve noticed that what works for me is to say to myself “get your damn butt off that bed and do something”. And slowly, gradually I gain energy and motivation. When you talk about isolation… Trust me, I know how comfortable “comfort zones” can be and how hard it is to convince one’s self to get out of it. All you want to do is to run away and hide somewhere safe. And be left alone. However staying inside it is the worst thing you can do. Not worst, because >I< say it or someone says it, or it’s some mythical general rule. It’s bad to you.

And you are important. Valuable. And I think very, very hopeful deep down inside. It’s just that at this moment, life is more you can stand. And it’s fine! Really, it is! Nobody has a “good time” all the time. Just remember that this particular, painful situation will NOT last forever. Nothing does. And I don’t know what’s the point in your pain, but I promise you, one day you’ll look at who you are now and you’ll know what was that point. That’s how it always is.

If I was wrong at any point, I apologize. My thoughts and my conclusion don’t have to be right in your case after all. I just hope you don’t hate me right now, after reading this. 😀 Even though I’m at another side of the cable, I wish you all the best. It sounds (totally!) cliche, but I will say it anyways:

I’m sure everything will be alright.

Best regards,
Sebby

Hi Dreaming,

If she barely acknowledged you when you said “Hello” – At least you are the bigger person to at least look at her and be polite. Maybe you should ask her kindly when she’s home and not running out the door, if you two could sit down and talk.

Maybe something personal is going on in her life that you don’t know about and she’s waiting to share that with you when she has sometime. It might be something really petty or maybe something deep too. What do you think? I’m just taking a random guess because usually aloof behaviors like the one with roommate, means it’s not anything personal about you, It’s about what’s going on with her. Again, try and talk to her when she’s home and not planning on going anywhere.

I’m sure you feelings are hurt because you aren’t used to her behaving this way towards you, that is completely understandable why you feel the way you do. Take into account she may also be respecting your personal space too and doesn’t want to bother you. I’d say wait until you get the opportunity to speak with her first, to determine if she really is in fact trying to, reject/abandon you. Don’t assume the worst yet hun. In the meantime, try and focus on yourself by staying calm & loving towards your delicate heart & soul.

“When our lease is up should I move out of the city?” “Should I start leaving every night after work and going to Starbucks or wherever to distance myself from her?”

No hun that is definitely no necessary for you to move yet out the city, regardless of what your outcome with her is. Unless, you’ve already been wanting move anyway, before all this. Doesn’t matter who it is, the end of a relationship, whether romantic or non-romantic shouldn’t force you to have to leave town. No way, you don’t need to punish yourself like that by moving. If you feel most comfortable at the moment or in the future to go to Starbucks every night or go and stay with another friend, till you’re ready to speak to her. Than that is completely fine & understandable too. A couple of days away and out of your environment from your bedroom/the space you share with her, will help to clear your mind. Don’t do this out of fear though, do it, so that you can clear your thoughts.

“She is the last person I thought should treat meet with such indifference and I’m feeling angry and hurt. Especially when I communicated to her that I was going through a very hard time and just need a little patience and support right now. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I’ve just about had it with all people.”

Not everyone behaves this way. Don’t let one person spoil it for you and for the people like us who truly care about others feelings. This entire situation will eventually clear up. For now, just be kind. patient and loving towards yourself. Surround yourself with people who want to love and support you.

Let us know what happens and how you are doing and in the meantime. Remember that you are here because of LOVE. It may not appear that way right now but someone out there, does love you very much. Especially on this forum, there is a lot of love and support here for you.

Sending you so much, positivity, love and light your way. <3

M.