Otteranimus – I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. Your experience sounds even more difficult than mine. I really appreciate your honesty.

I totally agree with you that the internal dissatisfaction I am creating is a very selfish thing. It took losing someone very important to realize how selfish it was, which is exactly why I’m finally ready to start dealing with it. I’ve been realizing more and more that loving myself is probably the single most important step to begin the process of healing. I’m wondering if you’ve also felt that by not ‘doing the one thing,’ you are not able to respect or love yourself. I know that I’m guilty of feeling that I can’t love myself or be loved unless I feel like I’m fulfilling my ‘purpose.’

What you said about negative voices and not believing them reminds me of what I’ve read in a lot of articles about therapy. These voices are persistent and pervasive, they don’t seem to go away. The only thing I or anyone else with them can chose is whether they listen to them and act on them. I’m still learning to accept them as they are: just thoughts. It’s tough though, especially when they feel like they keep coming in massive waves. I’m trying my best to find ways to act in a manner that is consistent with what I want: a sense of direction, purpose, and meaning.

Thank you again for sharing and I’m glad to know that the daily struggle isn’t just a sign that I’m failing. It’s a real struggle.

Anita – My rational mind is something that I’ve worked really hard to develop. It’s a part of who I am and I don’t hate it, but I feel it tends to override a lot of what I want to do and say. I know that I’ve used it to try protect myself form many things – criticism, rejection, and humiliation. You’re right when you point out my emotional mind is much more quite than the rational. What’s even more interesting is the link you pointed out between my inner child and my emotional side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there is a faintness to my emotional voice and that I describe being a child in very negative terms.

I like your suggestion of looking into what the child would say. Trying to turn off the intellectual filter is a struggle, but I’ll give my best attempt:

“I feel lost. I feel alone. All I want is to love and be loved. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I don’t care about my job or money. I want a place to come home to. I want to feel free with myself. I don’t want to keep holding on to this hurt inside of me. I don’t know why I can’t be more honest and accept myself for who I am.”

I don’t know if that’s the voice of a child, but it’s my honest feelings. I can tell you that my immediate gut reaction to your idea was to break down crying. There’s a lot of hurt behind what that child is saying – I had to fight back tears as I was writing it out.

Anita, how would you recommend further talking to my inner child? Are there ways you found helpful for working with both your emotional and rational voice in a balanced manner?

Thank you so much for the ideas and advice.