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Anchorless

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  • March 9, 2016 at 11:34 pm #98512
    DH
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m new here and wanted to reach out after reading through a number of posts and articles that echoed what I’ve been feeling. It’s been one of my goals to become more honest with myself and to share what I’m feeling with others. Any comments, insights, recommendations are hugely appreciated.

    I’ve been struggling with feeling like I don’t have an anchor of any kind. When I say anchor I mean a number of things: a sense of belonging, a purpose, a sense of control over my life, and an understanding of how to cultivate happiness in my own life.

    I really started struggling with and trying to work on these feelings about 5 months. The trigger was a breakup that was very difficult for me. I was left by a woman who I thought was my best friend and a soulmate. I know that part of my feelings of being without an anchor are from the breakup. I also feel that the breakup was the result of my own longstanding issues of feeling like I have no where to go, no purpose, and little sense of control. More than anything, I think the incident showed me that there are some extremely important issues in my life that I can’t go on ignoring anymore.

    I’m pretty confident that my feelings of being without an anchor and my decision to act on those feelings in a ways that demonstrated a lack of direction, powerlessness, and hopelessness where at the source of the breakup. I also think these feelings are mirrored in other areas of my life and I and that I behave in similarly helpless and hopeless ways.

    My career (or lack there of) is one of the more painfully obvious areas where my feelings of being without an anchor manifests itself. In the last 10 years I’ve gone down several different career paths including one that I thought was based on my passion. I initially work hard in each field, but then face a growing sense of dissatisfaction and, once again, powerlessness. In order to gain some sense of control I try to start down another career path, only to repeat the same process again.

    My last career choice has been particularly frustrating. I chose a field I was passionate about (something I thought would help combat my sense of having no anchor). In reality, however, the expectations I had for the career were unrealistic and I feel like I’ve put myself in an even more unstable place financially and socially.

    I know that I shouldn’t be thinking this way, but as a 30 year old male I feel like a failure and, more catastrophically, like a child. I have very little confidence in my ability to develop the relationships I want and to pursue a career that feels rewarding and fulfilling. I am doing my best to both mask my lack of confidence and try to act in a way that empowers me. I’m also working on trying to develop a better attitude about life and cultivate more belief in myself. I have moments where I feel fine, but a lot of moments where I feel trapped by my sense of lacking direction, control, and power to shape my life in a positive manner.

    I realize that part of the problem may very well be my desire to find a ‘cure-all’ solution to the way I feel. I know that many people have had similar thoughts and feelings and they have all learned to deal with them. Perhaps I’m still in the stage where I’m learning how to accept these feelings and move on. For now, I’ll just say that’s it feels like a significant challenge and I am struggling to maintain a sense of hope and wellbeing.

    Any encouragement or slap-in-the-face common sense is welcomed. I’m open to both. More than anything, I’m ready to start dealing with the way I’ve been feeling and acting.

    March 10, 2016 at 1:53 am #98513
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear DH,

    There is a lot of clarity in your way of writing. I do have some questions though –

    1) Breakup –

    Why did she leave and how long were you together? What is doing now?
    Do you blame your lack of purpose for the breakup?

    2) Career –

    What are the options you are looking at right now?

    3) Relationships –

    Are you referring to other relationships beyond the love ones that have been difficult to maintain?

    Regards,
    Nina

    March 10, 2016 at 6:06 am #98518
    DH
    Participant

    Nina,

    Thank you for the response. Here are my answers to your questions:

    We were together 8 months. Not very long, but I felt very close to her and she seemed to clearly reciprocate those feelings.

    I know that my insecurities about dating and relationships contributed to the breakup. I definitely had moments of avoidant behavior and passive aggressiveness that became very clear to me once the conversation about breaking up began. I don’t feel entirely responsible though, because I did try to approach the situation from position that we could work on the relationship and address the issues that it had. I was repeatedly told by her that there wasn’t anyway forward.

    I still don’t know exactly why she left. The reason doesn’t seem to matter because she made it clear that she didn’t want to continue the relationship. I still feel hurt and on some level betrayed.

    Although I don’t blame entirely for the breakup, I do blame my sense of purposelessness for the way I’ve felt, thought, and reacted to both the relationship and the breakup. In some sense, I was trying to find my own happiness and purpose through the relationship. I was probably unconsciously and consciously placing a lot of pressure on her to provide a sense of belonging and an anchor that I felt I lacked. Had I had that to begin with, I don’t think I would have clung to her so much and I don’t think I would continue to feel so devastated by the breakup.

    In terms of career paths, I’ve been trying to pursue my desire to create art by balancing two seasonal jobs. Both of these jobs have me moving constantly and I’ve been trying to use the time in between to create art. For the most part I’ve enjoyed the work of both jobs and I still feel a strong desire create, but after losing my partner, not being able to develop a strong social circle because of how much I move, and being constantly worried about finances, I no longer feel I believe in the choices I’m making. I would love to have job where I have the freedom to create and be based in a community that I feel connected to. I don’t have any prospects, so I am trying to figure out what and where would be a good match for me.

    I touched on your third question a little bit above. I know that my unstable work life is contributing to my feeling that I cannot maintain close relationships with anyone for very long. I move every couple months to different countries and my seasonal work involves being in very remote places. My jobs, however, aren’t the only thing I feel is holding me back from developing closer relationships with people. I’ve struggled to be open and honest with people. In many situations I act quite passively. I feel my lack of assertiveness and openness is preventing me from developing the close friendships and relationships I want.

    I really appreciate you asking me these questions. I feel that writing out the answers is helping me get to a better understanding of what is bothering me and what I might need to do to address my feelings. Please feel free to share any of your thoughts.

    DH

    March 10, 2016 at 9:03 am #98529
    otteranimus
    Participant

    Hi DH– Wow, can I relate. I think I feel exactly the same way you do. My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me last fall, and I know it had a lot to do with my searching, dissatisfaction and restlessness from never seizing a true calling or life’s work. It made me selfish, irritable, and prone to addiction (mine was smoking too much pot to quell my anxiety).

    Anyway I’m 36, so for my sake don’t feel “washed up” or whatnot. I do that a lot and it’s very, very selfish and unproductive. Let’s try to keep in mind all the wisdom that’s out there and what it tells us… start where you are. Remain in the present.

    It sounds like you have a very interesting life, and you know that your sense of lack or dissatisfaction is entirely generated from within. It also doesn’t sound like you are purposeless– you are engaged in lots of things. But you still feel purposeless. You don’t see it as a process– you see it as something you are missing and forever fruitlessly searching for. From outside yourself.

    So one big issue for me is that I feel like unless I am successful or fulfilling a higher purpose, people aren’t going to love me or find me loveable. Also hating yourself for not “doing the thing” makes you unlovable.

    But, seems like the thing is, you have to work every day at loving yourself, or BEING LOVE, or finding that infinite well of love within. I personally struggle with this every day. I feel I’ve failed, that I’ve lost the best thing I could have had, that’s it’s over for me, that I’m a huge waste, and that I’m the worst person in the world. On a daily basis. But it’s not truth; it’s egotism run amuck, it’s narcissism, it’s small mind. It’s delusion, mara. Still, you feel it and the feeling guides you. The struggle is real.

    March 10, 2016 at 9:32 am #98534
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DH:

    You have a developed, a well developed intellect as i see it, it is evident to me in your writing. It reminds me of the concept I was introduced to by my therapist 5 years ago: Rational Mind and Emotional Mind. Your rational mind is, as I believe it is, well developed. Your emotional mind… well, I’d like to hear more of what your Emotional Mind has to say!

    One of the things you wrote in your original post is that you feel like a failure… and worse, you wrote, you feel like a child. A young child’s strong mind is the Emotional Mind. I’d like to hear from that child in you. The answers, I believe, are with that child.

    Can you write in a simple, child like language, what it is that you feel… write a post not from the intellectual DH, the adult DH, but the child DH…. can you handle the feeling of not sounding so… intelligent and instead, just here, sounding like a child…?

    anita

    March 10, 2016 at 6:48 pm #98587
    DH
    Participant

    Otteranimus – I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. Your experience sounds even more difficult than mine. I really appreciate your honesty.

    I totally agree with you that the internal dissatisfaction I am creating is a very selfish thing. It took losing someone very important to realize how selfish it was, which is exactly why I’m finally ready to start dealing with it. I’ve been realizing more and more that loving myself is probably the single most important step to begin the process of healing. I’m wondering if you’ve also felt that by not ‘doing the one thing,’ you are not able to respect or love yourself. I know that I’m guilty of feeling that I can’t love myself or be loved unless I feel like I’m fulfilling my ‘purpose.’

    What you said about negative voices and not believing them reminds me of what I’ve read in a lot of articles about therapy. These voices are persistent and pervasive, they don’t seem to go away. The only thing I or anyone else with them can chose is whether they listen to them and act on them. I’m still learning to accept them as they are: just thoughts. It’s tough though, especially when they feel like they keep coming in massive waves. I’m trying my best to find ways to act in a manner that is consistent with what I want: a sense of direction, purpose, and meaning.

    Thank you again for sharing and I’m glad to know that the daily struggle isn’t just a sign that I’m failing. It’s a real struggle.

    Anita – My rational mind is something that I’ve worked really hard to develop. It’s a part of who I am and I don’t hate it, but I feel it tends to override a lot of what I want to do and say. I know that I’ve used it to try protect myself form many things – criticism, rejection, and humiliation. You’re right when you point out my emotional mind is much more quite than the rational. What’s even more interesting is the link you pointed out between my inner child and my emotional side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there is a faintness to my emotional voice and that I describe being a child in very negative terms.

    I like your suggestion of looking into what the child would say. Trying to turn off the intellectual filter is a struggle, but I’ll give my best attempt:

    “I feel lost. I feel alone. All I want is to love and be loved. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I don’t care about my job or money. I want a place to come home to. I want to feel free with myself. I don’t want to keep holding on to this hurt inside of me. I don’t know why I can’t be more honest and accept myself for who I am.”

    I don’t know if that’s the voice of a child, but it’s my honest feelings. I can tell you that my immediate gut reaction to your idea was to break down crying. There’s a lot of hurt behind what that child is saying – I had to fight back tears as I was writing it out.

    Anita, how would you recommend further talking to my inner child? Are there ways you found helpful for working with both your emotional and rational voice in a balanced manner?

    Thank you so much for the ideas and advice.

    March 10, 2016 at 7:30 pm #98595
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DH:

    I recommend for you to attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring, hard working therapist like the one I attended, the one who taught me about Rational/ Emotional Minds.

    Other than that, we can do some work here, just like we started, here on a self help basis. I suggested you talk from Emotional Mind and you did, you did very well. You sound very different than elsewhere. The child said: I feel lost. Alone. I don’t have a place to come home to. I hurt.

    There is a third Mind: Wise Mind. Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.

    Your Rational Mind is not taking into consideration your Emotional Mind (same concept as the Inner Child). A Wise Mind will take the child (Inner Child/ Emotional Mind: I will refer to these as “the child”) into consideration. So both, rational and emotional.

    You can’t be wise without understanding the child. What you have been doing is hiding the child, denying him, haven’t you? Did you not try to expel him from your psyche?

    Here is what I recommend for you to do on this thread, with me: give the child more room, let him talk. As the child talks, you will find Rational Mind trying to take over… but stay with short sentences, child talk.

    This is painful work and may need to be done in the context of competent therapy. If you feel overwhelmed, stop. This kind of work needs to be done slowly, at your pace, as emotions are powerful and need to be tolerated.

    Let the child tell me more, if you’d like.

    anita

    March 13, 2016 at 11:15 pm #98916
    DH
    Participant

    anita,

    Thanks again for the guidance. I’m signing up to see a therapist in June when I get back to the states.

    I’ve sat on this post for a while and I can’t seem to write from the child’s perspective. At least not at this point. The voice that came through last time was from a place of deep hurt. I know where the source of that hurt comes from and have already come to terms with it. I was bullied at a very young age and I know that has impacted how I accept myself as we’ll as how I view acceptance from other people.

    I know that my emotions tend to flare up when I feel I’m having the most difficulty working towards what I value the most – love and connection. I’m in a place where I’ve lost both and am having trouble building up both and it bothers me. The part of me that doesn’t want to write from the child’s perspective is the part of me (I think both the rational and emotional) that wants to actually do something about the hurt. I’m not saying that the child’s voice isn’t valid and that I don’t want to hear it. More than anything, I do not want it to define who I am. I want to be able to move forward without always feeling so sorry for myself.

    I accept that at my very worst, I feel lost, without a home, and hopeless. I know that these are the worst fears my inner child clings to, mainly because it hasn’t really tried to embrace other ways of feeling or acting.

    I’m guess I’m writing all of this out as a way to talk about my fears (something I haven’t really done at all), as well as try to find ways to move beyond my fears. Perhaps the most important step I’m trying to take is not letting my greatest fears have such an enormous effect on how I view myself and dictate how I work towards what I value the most.

    Maybe in my next post I can talk about what the inner child wants.

    DH

    March 14, 2016 at 9:38 am #98956
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DH:

    You wrote above: “I know where the source of that hurt comes from and have already come to terms with it.” On a certain level you know and have come to terms with it… on a certain level. There are other levels you are yet to know and yet to come to terms with.

    There are millions of connections between brain cells every day, many of those have been there for a while. When you learn a trivial fact, something about bees, for example, a new connection is made in your brain. It doesn’t unsettle connections already there. When you know now what you know about the effect of past bullying on you, that knowledge is worth an X number of connections (between nerve cells in the brain). When you heal, in the context of good psychotherapy, or otherwise, new connections are being made. But unlike trivial knowledge kinds of connections, these connections unsettle previous connections already there.

    So new stuff is brought up in therapy, and as time and work proceeds, old connections are being undone and new connections made and a certain… re-making of the brain, connection wise, is being made. As this happens, you get to “know” on different levels you didn’t know before.

    I think what you meant above, about feeling sorry for yourself, is that you don’t want to feel sorry for yourself, that you look down at feeling sorry for oneself and that is the part that turns you off about giving the child room to express himself. Is that correct?

    anita

    March 14, 2016 at 7:49 pm #99001
    DH
    Participant

    anita,

    That’s an interesting point you are touching on. I’m curious if you sense that the issue lies in my judgement of the part of me that feels sorry for myself. Does that same part of me judge my inner child?

    I definitely tend to be hard on myself and I do struggle with perfectionism. The judgement I level against myself might be another form of perfectionism where I don’t want to feel hurt, weak, or vulnerable.

    The more I think about this as I’m writing this post is that, yes, I am very critical of myself. I judge myself for what I feel was my part in losing my partner, I judge myself for not being able to get over it and find someone else, and I judge myself for not being in a career path where I can have more stability in my life. I can certainly see how the part of me that is judgmental is very resistant to letting myself be vulnerable in any way.

    My emotional side is reacting to what I’m saying so I’m going to go ahead and say that this is an accurate statement of what’s going on.

    My rational side has helped me get to places I never would have dreamed of going. Yet, in each place I find myself critical of my situation and what I’m doing there. Perhaps letting go of excessive criticism is what will help bring out the voice of the inner child.

    I appreciate what you said about rewiring the brain. I’m hoping that a dedicated effort with different types of exposure therapy will help me think differently about myself. In the meantime, here’s another attempt at letting my inner child speak:

    I want to be more carefree. I want to stop questioning everything I do. I want to be able to just be. I want to trust myself and I want to love myself. I want to enjoy who I am.

    DH

    March 14, 2016 at 8:27 pm #99003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DH:

    Excellent work and insight. You will do very well in psychotherapy if you are fortunate enough to have a competent, caring and hard working therapist (I add these adjectives because many psychotherapists are not these things!)

    Emotional Mind and Rational Mind are not separate areas in the brain. There is an enormous number of connections between thoughts and feelings.

    When you were born you were a child, a carefree child, no criticism yet. Then parents started criticizing you, telling you to not eat this way, to not play that way, to not run, to not touch, punishing, shaming you… Over time, you internalized the critical parent and it became a part of your mind: the Freudian “Superego” also known as Inner Critic.

    The Inner critic, when it is too critical and shaming, it is a real inside-the-head bully that bullies the inner child.

    When you are angry at yourself for making a mistake, that is the inner critic getting angry, and when you are afraid to make a mistake, that’s the inner child scared of the inner critic punishing him.

    When you used the inner child words, wanting to be carefree, that is the inner child wanting to be free of the bullying of the inner critic. There are ways to …shrink that toxic (overly and abusively critical) inner critic. If you would like to read more about the Toxic Inner Critic, you may like a website by a Pete Walker, if you google.

    anita

    April 6, 2016 at 7:04 pm #101099
    DH
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to say thank you for your posts. I’ve been steadily working on listening to my inner child and trying my best to manage the critic. Talking to you has been helpful, so thank you again for hearing me out.

    Daniel

    April 6, 2016 at 7:52 pm #101127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    I am glad you posted again! You are very welcome and please do post again. We can correspond more, over time if it is helpful to you.

    Take good care of yourself!

    anita

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