Dear Jonnym:

It just occurred to me as I was thinking about your thread, away from the computer, that…

When she was a child, and her parents fought, she heard them both fighting… both her parents were heard, she heard them. But there was one person in that “home” that wasn’t heard, and that was her. She wasn’t heard.

And maybe…

When she lived with you she was used to not be heard and appreciated a lot of what you offered her. When she attended psychotherapy, she had some experience there being heard.

She became quieter with you because she was realizing, that unlike in her therapy sessions, she was not heard by you. Once again, she was not heard at “home”.

She realized she was not at home, because a home is where you are heard.

As a child, she was not able to leave “home”- but now, as a grown woman, this was the least she could do, leave “home.”

So she left.

If this is so, close to being so in reality, and if you are able and willing and are highly committed to hearing her (no matter how uncomfortable and inconvenient to you) with empathy, compassion, patience… then let her know, now, that you understand that you did not hear her before, and that now you desperately want to hear her. You can ask to meet with her and let her see that you are capable and willing to hear her now.

And over a little time, maybe, the “home” you prepared for her, could become her home, where she can be heard (as well as you, and her children).

???

anita