Thank you everyone for helping me see some logic in this and kind words. I hope to be able to learn and pass on the same kindness.

I think I am slowly starting to move away from seeing him on this pedastool- of seeing him in a romantic way. The women on his facebook page are people he does not know. He just follows them because of how they look and there are only about 8 women or less on there. He has none of his friends on there. And the photos he has photoshopped himself into- there are only a few- but they are with famous women singers that he likes the look of. And then all the 1000 selfies of himself. I know this is unhealthy.

The thing is, what should I think of this? He knows I can see it and I think he just doesn’t care I have no idea? Like I said he does have schizophrenia- but his last name has been turned into asa model – so its like some fantasy thing he is obsessed with. But its quite hurtful to go on that page of his and see all these love hearts and romance clips in films and quite romantic stuff on there- but also with all these photos of women he likes the look of- one after the other- like obsessive. Like he is trying to find some perfection in a woman to keep this hightened ego fantasy going. It just seems a whole lot more extreme than the average guy because of his illness.

But what I am saying or asking is am I a girl he likes the look of too- for he follows me like he follows those other girls. Or am I just someone he wanted to keep an eye on or maybe he thought that I liked him so its just for his ego. It just is very confusing for me- I don’t go on there now- it can really get to me- because I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and at the moment its about my face and I have been very very depressed.

At work I feel like Im not important to him. But I make a thing to make him feel that from me and always have because he can be a bit of a silly joker. There is a part of him that is very sincere and apologetic. He used to open the door for me everytime I was going home. Things like that- like last week he said he hoped he didnt disturb me too much with his silliness. That sort of thing. And I know there has been something there- I felt it and still feel it – but its not like it used to be.

Im not saying I want him in a relationship- okay there is a big part of me that is all for that- but I have a higher conscious. And Im not so naive that I think he is attracted to me- but I do know that there is something there. I feel like because I over-worked myself there- for sometime I volounteered on weekends because he was there (as well as work my week). I guess I looked desperate and showed that I had no life- that I think the issue is that I am boring now- and that is because this crush has wiped out who I am – was- because its been 5-6 months of it. I never have much to say around him anymore- and everyone knows I have social phobia and am antisocial. Im not exciting and dont really relate to things he is into much anymore.

That is why I have not been working on weekends anymore. I want to stay away and discover my own self worth. I have begun trying to paint. But every weekend I get very very depressed. I feel like I want to show him and myself that I can love myself again and that I have my own life. Its just kind of hard when I see his page because its confusing to me- I am the only girl he follows I am sure that he knows personally and he knows that I could go on there and see- so what is with that? Does he not get that would make any girl feel so inferior?