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Karene

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  • #364532
    Karene
    Participant

    Hi,

    I know what it feels like to feel you are missing out. Im not one at the moment to give total advice but i have found that being kind to yourself and starting from there, building on self care is what has worked for me in the past.

    If you put your blinkers on and run your own race so to speak as everybody is different and fill yourself up with self love, work on yourself again and know that hardships only make you emotionally and physically stronger. Take care

    #349594
    Karene
    Participant

    Yes, I definitely agree. In fact i would tell him all the dangers of crystal meth. I hated that he actually resorted to doing that stuff as it was completely dangerous in so many ways. Especially to him. It was always a huge anger and frustration of mine to have to be passive-aggressive and try to be positive in the aspects of moving him to a much healthier life than drugs.

    He takes Risperdal which is an antipsychotic in the form of a needle every fortnight. Ive known him for 4 years intensely and knew his mental health patterns. Erratic, anxious, serious, monotone, gone and then clown. I kind of knew when he was most likely on his ice because he would be proactive and start cleaning the house he lives in and cooking his mothers tea and things like that.  I really had to dig hard and out of my own values in order to find compassion on his grounds. I had so many negative feelings towards his choices and namely id call it so dumb.

    But to him i had to work out why. And ive read quite a few books on schizophrenia and on ice/meth and why people take that stuff and how it affects them. One of the things that i found def applied to russell was that he felt like he was on an adventure, like he was doing something with people and it was exciting and people wanted to be around him. It mentions reasons like this why schizophrenic people can go towards the drug – the social component.

    Then there was being able to feel alive again.  Being on anti-psychotics leaves the person with negative side affects that make them hard to concentrate on anything and sleeping long hours and bluntly unable to really feel.

    When they take meth or ice , no matter how nasty that stuff is to the body and whatever its made out of, people like russell use it to feel again.

    So i could understand those things.

    But it makes me so angry that you knew it was going to happen. That he was going to be in psychosis again.

    With Russell, he did contact me this afternoon.

    His mum gave him the card i made.

    And when he was on the phone it brought everything out of my own mess of woes and right into compassion for him.

    It was terrifying to hear him quietly on the phone and breathing rapidly because he was so terrified. He even said he was.

    So he is and has been deep in psychosis for days now and yet he is still home and his mum is looking after him.

    I think its tricky for him to be able to go into hospital. But i dont ask. I dont really talk to his mum as i get so shy.

    Russell sounded like a scared little boy. He really needed comfort and i tried my best. I talked like he was a little boy and i was his mother, it was scary. I was open and nonjudging. Just really trying to help him but i still really didnt know what to say. He said he doesnt having any basketball trophies anymore, that he broke them all so i told him they can be repaired with glue.

    He just was really really unwell and terrified. I was so taken aback and felt useless.

    I just asked him if he was okay and what was he scared of. Obv being in psychosis its hard for anyone to believe him and so on.

    After that scarey phone call during which he said he wanted to die. That really made me scared for him. I think he really needs to be in hospital and im not sure what his mum is doing.

    I drove done to the loval sho to get a hydrating coconut water and some gum for him and then actually drove to his house and knock on his door but there was no answer. My heart was beating so fast as my social phobia and anxiety and adrenalin.

    I mean a pyschotic person, you never know. But there was no answer so i left the bag of things on the doorstep and then when i got home rang his phone where his mother answered and i told her there was the bag there.

     

     

     

    So after all that, its not that he is directly not wanting to know me. Its that he is going through this terrifying and grueling time in his life once again where reality has been warped and he doesnt know what is real and not.

    I feel so much empathy for him its very upsetting. Now i cant really stay calm. I fear for him during this time. I dont want him to hurt himself.

    His mother should be doing more. I dont know.

    The other night when i was actually in contact with him – about 6 days ago  he had such a pain in his liver and i helped him out with that, and he said that he was never going to take ice ever again and he meant it. He was scared for his health. And then pyschosis set in.

    I know that 10 years ago he vowed he wouldn’t ever take marijuana again after smoking that daily apparently. He was shift working long hours back then and hardly eating. He had social stress and then ended up in psychosis.

    If he even tried to have marijuana again he would throw up – it made him ill. And that was a daily drug he took for prob 10 years. up to that point.

    I suspect that will happen with the ice meth stuff too. I think hes been absolutely terrified. Likely to not touch that stuff but have to have some sort of replacement – sugar maybe who knows.

    Just right now i am so scared that he might hurt himself. And i cant really do anything.

    Im really in the dark about all this and his mother likes her privacy, she lives with her 2 adult children who both have schizophrenia.

    I just dont know what to do to feel not anxious for him and whats going on. I want to be able to say everything will be fine, he will sleep on it and then gradually get better.

    Thats what i hope for. But what can i do?

    My gut has had a work out, its such anguish.

    #349336
    Karene
    Participant

    Thanku so much Anita.

    Im not doing so well again.

    So russell actually phoned me this morning, after a long few days wait and not knowing what was going on. Days ago he said he would ring me in the night and it never happened.

    Its unsual.

    Like i siad he has been pyschotic. And i know i cant be putting my needs on this ill person. But hes been my familair and now         its just eztremely hurtful to me.

    So he rang this morning and asked what i was doing today and if we wanted to catch up and go for a walk. I jumped at that because i thought id never see him again cause its been nothing from him.

    I really have needed him and know its not healthy but its something esp in this climate with all thats going on. Nothings ever balck and white.

    i thought he probably had a long sleep for days and maybe thats why he didnt contact me before esp being ill. And it seemed he was at least a bit okay now. So when he rang for a walk i felt like a flower opened up in me as the last few days had been so rough and painful and lonely, agonising what was going on and waiting and waiting.

    i decided last night since i couldnt contact him thu online and i was terrified of ringing him, that i needed to feel in control somehow, so i wrote and drew a card and just was compassionate and told him to ring me. And i felt better about that.

    Only he never got it and i think it ended in the neighbors letterbox instead, it was at night and i was so nervous going to that street and all the bins were out lol. But even tho this morning i was able to tell him about the letter/card i sent in his mailbox he told me it wasnt there and he wasnt in a rush to go find it in the other letterbox next door or ask about it. Even tho i felt it was something special i really wanted him to read.

    So i felt a little relief like hed gone back even a tiny bit to being on his way to healing and a walk in the sunshine might do him good.

    But as i was showering getting ready, he rang up to tell me he couldnt go for the walk and when i asked him why, he said he didnt know. And then basically hung up on me.

    I know i shouldnt take this personally, hes obv unwell but i cant help it. It really broke me down.

    How cant this person who alway promised me hed be there for me, never hurt me and that he loves me act like that? Its as if to say his psychosis is something that is stopping him from seeing me, some narrative in his mind.

    I have anxiety disorder and its hard for me to not break down.

    So i felt i needed to take control of the situation for myself. So i took that fear i had with ringing the home phone and rang his home phone.

    ‘Hello, Russell speaking/..

    me- hello its me- ‘

    I know u are not well right now but i wanted to say that i found it very hurtful to me –

    Russell –

    Ill talk to you later okay.

    hangs up-

    .

    And that was it.

     

    It sounds not that bad when i write it, but it clearly was unwelcoming when i rang, the very fear i had came true ringing up.

    So completely in screwballs in my stomach over it.

    Its has really really hurt inside in my centre. Emotionally.

    Theres no explanation there is just blunt rejection out of no where and thats it.

    I almost feel like putting a face to that. like going over there and knocking on his door and saying hi and then driving away. Because in all the years ive known him, he can flip his emotions into acknowledgement.

    I feel like ive done something wrong. I really wanted him to read my card. but he even tho he is ill , has been very cruel to me. I cant imagine what he would be like if i were like that to him.

    I cant function. I know i make a big deal and the obvious is hes just not even able to be sane right now, but its as tho hes painted me as this person to disrespect. He chooses to ignore and not care even when he is not doing anything.

    Many years ago in my 20s (im in my late 30s) i was sexually and emotionally abused and after all that, coming home to quite white noise and despair of complete rejection afterwards. It feels just like that again.

    I mean all this has to be just when self isolation is going on. Its so horrible.

    When i was on the phone this morning, when i said i was worried about him, he said why dont i just ring up.

     

    And yet today i did and he rejected me. again.

    Its out of character to him.

    I think ill make another card. idk. I just need to express myself and feel like im being heard. I never did that back in the day in my youth.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Karene.
    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Karene.
    #348790
    Karene
    Participant

    Hello

    Ive had months of really putting it in me that yes this relationship is all about regression. And i didnt want to go to that truth because it made me feel as though ive wasted time.

    My therapist said i should think of the immense growth ive experienced that she has seen in me throughout 4 years or more within this relationship. She told me to write it down.

    The whole time from the start, my gut was screaming at me. Telling me this wasnt me, that it wasnt right. And i knew it wsnt, but my needs came before that. Even if i couldnt really get many of them. It was better to help someone and try to grow with that than to feel alone again.

    Id been socially phobic with social avoidance personality for over 10 years. Prob 15 years. And in that time was experiencing the ins and outs of loneliness and depression. I had such low self-esteem and lack of social identity that it was very hard to allow others to get to know me as well as even be in a social setting.

    When i started working and was pushed into it, my world did change. And when i met russell my world became very different. I felt alive and had someone to share things with. Things that i had missed out on.

     

    And yes it was with a person very mentally ill unlike my type of mental illness. His was pronounced from the first time i met him. I knew he had delusions and talked nonsense and was a bit like a child. I knew all that. And i felt i was too deep in at the start but it was the comfort of the person and the connection that made it stay. And the surge of self esteem even if it were fleeting.

    As u can see im in a bit of reflecting at the moment.

    As the world has changed, so to has my little world within it. Its like a blessing but also a tragedy for me personally. Not the pandemic but my own personal life.

    So Russell decided to make bad choices like always. His sister went into psychosis recently because him and her apparently had been smoking meth drugs every week using their pension money (they are schizophrenic). The mother they live with found out and after 3 or so weeks of the daughter in the hospital because of psychosis, and decided later that they needed a change and was going to move 400 km away in a new town within 3 months.

    Im not sure how they are able to do that at the moment but that was that. It did not take russell into consideration. He doesnt want to move. He loves me and even if we are just friends even. Its been a very close relationship even if on my end its been crazy for me. My therapist calls him my familiar. Ive shared things with him ive never shared with anyone. Even with his disability and ups and downs ive still been able to have some needs met and he knows me more than anyone. Its been 4-5 years of messaging and talking on the phone everyday and night and seeing each other everyday. Its extreme as that is how he just came to do, but i got used it.

    Now though, its very different.

    In the time of the pandemic and he decided to go binge on his drugs. Spend extra money that was from a gov stimulus i think and go on this 3 week binge. Ive always been completely unaware when he would do drugs. Id only know by when his payday or week and his moods.

    So what happened this week in the last few days he is in psychosis now himself. He rang me a few nights ago with pain in his side that it came to be in his liver and he got scared and i talked him thru how to help himself with a warm flannel and warm lemon water etc. Then he had been all over the place emotionally and not slept for 3 nights. I feel sorry for his mother living with both kids on drugs and in psychosis.

    Russell didn’t want to admit to himself he was wrong in doing all these things. But he has brain issues that prevent him from being able to plan or foresee outcomes in his mind. Its all impulse.

    So the limited amount of times now ive been able to talk to him or contact him because of him. He is at home but he cant go on social media anymore because of his delusions and psychosis. The other night he told me not to go on his youtube because it could lead to death. He thought or thinks he was possessed by the devil and things are either for love or against the world or something like that.

    Hes been very rude to me. Not directly, but for instance this morning i chose to take some photos of things ive been doing at home so that it might make him feel less far as he liked coming over here. But he wasnt really interested and he cant make desisions. He wanted to know if we might meet up and go for a walk. So i said yes as long as he was well enough to. But when i mentioned where he responds with he wasnt sure to meet up with me. And i said thats okay and maybe another day – but the directness of him saying goodluck and goodbye – those words and then nothing when we hadnt finished the conversation. Or when i told him what to do when he had liver pain – ‘i need to concentrate now’ and i didnt hear from him till the next day.

    This morning i was crying like mourning at a funeral or something. It doesnt help to have pms. But i did just let it out, all my emotions. Its just been very hard on me. His decisions have led to him being ill and his sister being ill and now even me being ill.

    I crave connection. I want to talk to him and tell him about my own things like normal and hear his stuff. But i cant even contact him anymore. All his social media – the one messenger account he talked to me in is gone. Any way of me contacting him is unavailable except for his home phone i never ring as i have a phobia of phones esp home phones.

    3 weeks ago after hearing the news his family was moving, he didnt digest it. and when i tried asking him about it he thought it no big deal and other things were more important to him. Then later he worked out it was something going to happen and so he told me he was going to stay here in this town and acutally be independent and live on his own. I was very anxious and couldnt believe him one bit because he would spend his pension money all of it without any savings every first week of the fortnight. By the second week he had 0 money. And thats because he would spend on drugs and money and pay back his sister the week before for drugs.

    And that had been going on for quite some time.

    And yet when i would ask him, if his mum would support him and set him up to live on his own. that sort of thing his answer was no he wasnt going to ask his mum for support. And when i asked him that he could live in a flat, his response that he was going to go get a 3 bedroom house with a view..

    And then he said that i was making him nervous and not to talk about it anymore because i asked too many questions. At one stage he was angry with me for not supporting him and going off living with him here in a house together.

    But as if i would do that? I had to write and tell him why. Telling him about his money issues and so on and my own mental health issues. I have genralised anxiety.

    He was still thinking up in the air about him making it in his own place here. Without any details or plans on how he would do that.

    I wasnt able to ask because it made him anxious. So i decided to just not go there. Tho when i first heard about it all i was in distress and had a huge anxiety attack. The whole day was emotionally painful for me.

    Now tho weeks later, hes come to realise his mental illness and care plan he needs his family for support of all that, since his psychosis. He rang me this morning after me 2 and half hours of intense depressive anxiety from his goodbye statement  in messenger. He told me that he meant his account as that messenger account was the devil or something.

    But he also told me that he cant stay here and that he loves me but he cant because of his schizophrenia and so on. And i told him that i had to mourn about that. And that it would be okay still that we could still talk and so on and visit, but he was really not well talking about that and i think hurt that i said that.

    When things dont go his way he crumbles. And i suspect even in his illness right now, hes avoiding me because its painful for him. But for me its even more painful because i dont have any online access to talk to him and even when i do it results in me not getting any friendship needs met, it ends in me crying and being distressed and then even further the waves of feeling like ive lost him in many respects and the spiral of thinking ill be alone. Its not like at the moment i can go out and meet people.

    I live with my parents in thier 70s and i have to be careful.

    Its been very hard not having him to talk to, even with his illness he was still my very close friend. Now that hes likely moving and now that he has pyschosis again (he hadnt really been this sick in 10 years), its left me feeling like i used to, very alone.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #107836
    Karene
    Participant

    Yes, thankyou for opening up my mind with your insights. I will talk to about this with my therapist in detail next time I see her.

    But I jsut wanted to mention that I havent talked to this guy since last Friday now. And it did get make me go through this big emotional hump. He said he would talk to me later, he said we would hang out on the weekend, and when we saw each other at this get together with older people he basically ignored me, and insulted my cooking and walked off from me to go home without ever acknowledging further contact for the weekend or what ever. He didnt tell me that he had other plans etc. So I get very upset with that- it feels intentional, it feels hurtful to not be acknowledged, it hurt because I thought that I was in this ‘friendship’ and my expectations of that meant that I would at least have respect and acknowledgement. But I guess I realise now what I already knew, and that is that he just cannot do that. He has a serious mental illness of schizophrenia that actually causes him to severely glorify himself and be in his own world. He has said he thinks the sun comes up for him and that his facebook page is better than everyone else’s etc. Its very magnet to meet someone who can be so comfortable with themselves and have such unusually high self esteem like that. I come to realise that for his own reasons that have probably nothing to do with me, he has decided to not contact me at all, but at the same time compliments & likes some of my facebook posts. Its quite confusing trying to even have a friendship with someone like that. But Im glad of my distance these last few days.

    I know I am writing alot, I just feel it flowing. Ive been basically indulging in being depressed and bed ridden for 4-5 days. I know I have depression and I have body dysmorphia and an identity crisis. I like to indulge and move into my ill feelings rather than bottle them up like I used to.

    Part of the depression has been about constantly remembering things that have recently happened that have made me feel bad about myself, that have insulted or unacknowledged me, have made me see myself in a negative light for how I feel others see me. I have been basically a social hermit for 15 years. I havent been in society around people much at all until now. And so what people do around me, how they act and see me- reflects how I see myself- and its made me want to go crawling back to loneliness again rather than be seen again.

    For instance on friday whilst I was sitting at this table and I was dealing with ‘him’ insulting my food and not valuing me, one of the ladies was talking about some woman they knew and to describe her they mentioned that she had a very pretty face…(and this lady has nearly everytime Ive seen her, talks about how gorgeous certain women are that she has seen as though I am nothing to even be considered like that) , and that hit my inner bruises.. because Ive been doing alot of self care and had nothing nice said to me- not even my mother had said anything to me – loosing 30kg over 10 months last year and then wearing things I hadnt worn since I was a child like singlets as I felt they were too revealing for me most of my life.I mean only 8 years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man that didnt even acknowledge we were in a relationship because I wasnt good enough-yet we were living and sleeping in the same bed- I was told things in that bed about how I wasnt this and that and it really made me go into a ptsd after it was all over.

    And then I go and remember this new guy now – on a day, last year when I was looking my best- and felt happy within myself -actually loving myself for once and he comes up to me for some reason and starts telling me to think of the most handsome person you can think of.. relating to how he thinks his ex (which I dont even think actually happened) was- that she was so pretty but not nice to him (he ended up being detained in a mental hospital with psychosis) that no-one compares- and he was saying this to my face and he knew I liked him. It hurt. Then I remember at work a lady I work with – coming out to help this woman with her purchases and she says ‘well we are not here for our looks’.. All these things reflect to me, especially this guy- for over 6 months when he worked were I work I tried to make myself love myself outside. I pushed myself outside of my boundaries in self care and started to really like myself, but he just was up and down and would eventually ignore me often like I wasnt important.

    I have this belief in me that – say on friday when one of these older ladies husbands was showing me his antique collection- first time Ive met this man- I guess because I have avoided men for some time that I expect some sort of acknowledgement that I am a young female perhaps. I am never acknowledge as a young beautiful woman. And I just don’t get that at all. All these people that I have been around shape my reality of myself and Im not liking it. I want to go live in a cave. Even this new old guy mentioned the other day as we were talking about ocd, that his sister is a very pretty lady.. like why do people feel the need to always tell me how pretty other people are? Dont they realise that when they do that, that it actually is saying that you are not.. its saying that your not that. Idk.

    It just seems that my values- what is important to me is to feel valued as a woman and to feel beautiful and pretty and be around people that can help me feel that way about myself. But instead Im just getting negative messages. Like last week, sitting on the couch with this guy at his place, sharing a blanket and thinking it is a bit romantic.. and he jumps up and says ‘OOh that woman is soo pretty..’ and Im sitting there thinking.. here we go again- my fears and how I feel about myself (I feel very very ugly) are presented to me once again. And even in times when I do feel okay with how I look- its ban I believe in other people’s versions of how they see me through these things- I feel very, very devalued in that department and others. That is why I am choosing of late to not be around those people much if at all.

    Part of body dysmorphia is that you dont know where you are in terms of how you look. It constantly changes and you can get hung up on seeing your reflection like in those weird mirrors. You want to keep going back to that mirror to see if its changed to something reasonable – or you want to avoid it all together. You dont know how others see you and how they are to you gives you clues to how they see you. Like this mentally handicapped woman who hadnt seen me in while and got a shock to how thin I looked to when she last saw me- and my reaction was a little off because I think people think Im anorexic or something and he words was ‘that I still looked the same but just thinner’ and I took that as meaning I still looked the same… like Im nothing special to look at .. like I dont deserve something nice said about my appearance. I lied when I said my mum doesnt say nice things- she says I have really nice skin- and that to me is like saying that Im ugly – Im not beautiful or pretty because she so easily gives out those compliments about those people when she sees them.
    I feel like people are wary of even saying anything nice to me- like there is something wrong with me. Like in Easter, when the whole family came over- hadnt seen them in a year- and last time I was very overweight and stuff- this time I was slim and wearing trendy clothing for once in my life.. yet nobody said a thing and its though they looked at me like I had a disease or something. That lead me to think of myself as looking sickly and too thin and stuff. ( I am healthy with my food, I am not anorexic). This is something that this abusie ex used to tell me constantly back in the day.

    When I was a teenager I remember being very popular and esp popular with the boys. I would get alot of attention and gifts and declarations of love thrown at me. I remember having girls admire how I looked and some would get jealous. I didnt do much to provoke any of that at all. But that is really what I have to go on in terms of my ‘positive’ social history. I guess I somehow expect every man to act how the boys acted around me then. And I guess I was labelled with having a pretty face and stuff in my teens and so and to now in my early thirties (tho people think Im much younger) to be labled not important like that. My identity is confused.

    #107655
    Karene
    Participant

    Thankyou for caring. Ive seen her for over 10 years now. When I was in my early 20s I had issues with bed wetting and agoraphobia, yet after a few sessions with her, I found out the cause was sexual abuse at 14. I didnt even recognise that until I saw her and everything started to change after that, I didnt wet the bed anymore and I felt supported a little to be able to venture out more. Ive come a very long way from those days, but I would say that I use her as a reflection of what is in my mind of how to help myself rather than someone who can help me. I use her as someone to listen to me, rather than give advice most of the time. Though she can give me advice, she is more of a open therapist than a clinical one. Recently she asked me to start yoga, which I have thought about, but not acted on.

    She has told me that I have never gotten any good feedback within my life really, not within my family either. That I have had shame on me as a teenager and that I have had to basically rely on myself for feedback and comfort and all of that. So I can be very sensitive to other people’s communication with me, as because I have been unsocial for all of my 20s- except for the time I flew over to meet a guy from online who raped and emotionally abused me and I stayed with for 4 months and more.(that was 9 years ago) I havent really had any other relationships to go on. So my social identity is very scarce – and so Im sensitive to how I feel others see me. I have my values and I basically have 2 social events in my life to go on- my highschool days- when I was happy for most of them and my abusive days. Im lucky that I am where I am right now, I have people around me for the first time and the thing is with this guy, my relationship with men has never been any good- since I was a young child -its basically been limited in exposure to boys. I always thought that they fancied me if they were nice to me for some reason. Ive never really hung out with boys unless I was a girlfriend in highschool days or in an abusive relationship.
    So even though he may not know, but he is the only guy that I have hung out with and gotten close to in a very long time of avoiding men. And I am so sensitive to it.

    #107647
    Karene
    Participant

    Thank you.
    It all comes back to our upbringing then doesn’t it? It makes alot of sense. Myself and mum has been a co-denpendence for awhile, only recently I cut that- and I guess I try it with this guy.

    But he has all this sexist stuff on his facebook page. Even his profile photo is photoshopped with a blonde girl by his side that he doesnt even know. Its nothing to do with me, but it would be nice to be appreciated in a way that lets me know that I am valued as a female I guess. But even that he probably cannot do.

    But I need to stay away from him and get some really good self worth in me to be able to make better choices in my life. I do have a therapist, she is good but I always feel like I am the one compensating or people pleasing out of fear that she cannot help me, as that has happened quite a few times.

    #107640
    Karene
    Participant

    I guess, what I hate is that before 2 weeks ago ( before I had constant sleep overs at his place) I was just getting into the mindset of letting go and not feeling like I wanted to control anyone and how they felt about me. I was starting to feel okay with myself a little and my own company and then its funny that the minute I let go, I started getting invites by him out of nowhere. And then I just perked up and got in a funny laughable mood and continued to go over there, I enjoyed it. Yet..

    #107638
    Karene
    Participant

    Thankyou guys for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

    I cant say Im feeling much better. But your posts did help a bit, I jsut get upset when thinking of myself as a friend sometimes and its because of my past abuse.
    Decided to indulge in a bit of depression over the weekend, staying in bed and journaling/sleeping etc.
    I just feel so bad about myself. On friday I went to this get together with some older people from work and they had invited him over too. He had said that week that he would talk soon and probably hang out on the weekend. I never hold him to his word, but I held on to at least a conversation about it during this get together. He just ended up being very reserved – I could tell he was in his own mind and not well and he was quite unapproachable. The only thing he had said to me was that he didnt like my food my cooking and didnt like my cookie, putting it aside on the plate. And then later said bye and just left as I was actually leaving the same time and tryingto walk faster to catch up to him. I was like – well that was not nice, not something that someone I would call a friend would act like, but then I have to take in consideration of his illness. But I felt so devalued, and come to realise that is how I feel when I am around him anyway. Well that, and confused. Does he not get why a woman in her early 30s would hang out with him in the nighttime. That with a joking online and ask me over at 10:30 in the night and I actually come around? He thinks its because we are both lonely and have a bit of company and I hate that, because I want to value my time and who I hang out with- not just because I am lonely. I value having a laugh with him, its rare having the same sense of humor and other things in common and I am a magnet to feelings for him when he can be very caring and make me feel stuff.
    But it hurts too.The fact that I hold in all this negative signals that Im not good enough, and be mindful of that- and just treat this person like a friend or cousin, but then for him to not even acknowledge to me, to not even let me know that his friend was down from town for the weekend and that I dont need to hold onto the thought/plan that we might get together then. To still not even contact me. Its just very insincere. I mean, I know it comes with the illness. Its just I dont know howto take this relationship, its not exactly a friend- it more of something less at this point- its not like he even knows me – or wants to idk. It is just one sided really. It is a toxic relationship- and I just guess I know that it has big consequences for my mindset when I do hang out- some good- but mostly confusing and bad for my self esteem and identity and values.

    Why I have to feel so ugly and un-nattractive and not respected as a woman. I dont think I am really ugly at all, but the people around me at work and him just their ways make me feel otherwise. I feel devalued. And I know that I need to do work within myself to overcome these feelings – but this person is like an addiction and toxic to me.

    Ive decided to stay away from him. Actually let him down when he asks. I need to put myself first but its so hard to not say yes. I end up questioning myself, what is so wrong with me that he sees me not one inch attractive at all? I mean, doesnt he get it. Doesnt he understand. But it all comes back to me anyway and who I decide to hang out with doesnt it.

    I want to keep this relationship, but distance myself from now on. I want to try to like myself as a woman, feel attractive again and stuff. But everytime I try to self care right now, I come to think that I ugly and it doesnt matter. That I am never going to be attractive to people, to him, to people at work, to people I meet in the shop I work all the time.. I dont know how to override this un-nattractive feeling- other than to stay away and stay reserved with my boundaries around the people that I feel devalue me in my values in that.

    I plan on self love and doing all the things that make me happy and have made me happy, juicing and moving my body and making up a dream board .. all those things. But again, its just constantly on my mind that Im not valued, acknowledged as a female and that there must be something very un-attractive about me- and I take that on, in my mind and put that onto my identity- that how he must see me and how others must see me that I am around weekly- that they too see me the same way.

    I guess its part of the attraction- to want to show that person your value as a woman, as someone attractive. To show my authenticity and my boundaries and self care and stuff. I just wonder that the moment I find my self worth and practice my boundaries and self care- that what will become of this relationship. I dont want to give it up, I just want it to be there I guess, to be able to say I am accepted and if I want a laugh and low key person to hang out where I dont have to care about myself – then he is there I guess.

    I just dont know what to do. Because if he is a friend, I should stand up for myself and say hey, you kind of ignored me and that hurt a bit.. but intuitively I feel like Im not valued in this relationship or what ever it is, and that its wrong to say that- I think because of more of how I think and feel about myself.

    #107366
    Karene
    Participant

    I dont know how to edit posts on here – but I wanted to also mention how I feel so emotionally attatched to things he does every now and then. For instance, because this past week we have been posting each other very often, to all of a sudden have him not be online – obviously just over a friend’s house or what ever – it just makes my stomach go all funny. And when I see that he has friended another woman that I know isnt what I think it is – just a friend – yet I get all jealous. Its like these feelings I used to get from my trauma with an abusive guy many years ago. I was living with that guy, sleeping with him in the same bed- yet he refused to be in a relationship with me- even though he was – I would get very jealous as he would let me know I wasnt good enough and go out with other women. That was when I was in my early 20s. But I guess its those same feelings I feel. Im not in a relationship with this guy. And people need space. I like my space. I just have to be mindful.

    #102287
    Karene
    Participant

    Hi, I know I am being quite introverted and I do take on advice given. I am just without my therapist at the moment and things are tough.
    I am 33 and live with my parents. My mum and I have had co-dependence issues- she has had a disability with hearing and Ive always been one to lean on despite my social phobia. She can be a very anxious person, growing up she did everything for me- I remember going to parties at a young age and seeing all the other children put their own food on their plates- and yet I didnt even know I could do that because mum would do it for me. I always remember mum kind of pushing my body (as a young age) to hurry up and do things – for instance grabbing my hands and showing me how to do stuff or pushing me into directions- I was a very insecure child and she would get a bit fed up with me being a bit slow then. So I know that she can create anxiety in me. I cannot talk to my mum in an deep open way because she has communication issues and doesn’t understand many words- let alone sentences. Its just because of the way she learnt to hear. When I have tried to talk to her in the past about things- she can get without intent- have a negative answer for me. That is why I never really talk to her about stuff personally – particuarly good stuff because I dont get that positive feedback – unless I tell her to- I usually get the opposite- without intent.
    When I talk to her about my own things- it has to be pre-thought in a way that she will understand and so that she will give me positive feedback perhaps. Usually I have to make things sound better then they are and things like that.

    My dad, I hardly talk to – never about personal stuff. When I talk to him its all my femininity has to go out the door for me to feel comfortable. We can talk about things other than my own personal stuff.

    So I never really have anyone to talk to. I dont have friends because of this bdd and social phobia- because I have dealt with housebound most of my life. I do have a lady at work I can kind of talk to but I dont like to mention bdd.

    I talk to my therapist every 3 months or so – but she is just a councilor and just listens and cant really help me. Ive had CBT in the past and that was not fun.

    At the moment my parents are on holiday and I have the run of the house and have felt free and relaxed a bit because of it. But I am so embarassed and ashamed of how I look and I have to go to work tomorrow and face that guy and face everyone. Its really hard – I feel so ashamed of myself, the way I look is not acceptable.

    #102203
    Karene
    Participant

    Couldnt find the edit button- But I wanted to say that this body image issue – in times of such distress of my refection I swear I do not want to go back to work.

    Its so dominating. Any advice I would love. The thing is that when I do go to work I see all types of people and I dont feel as bad as when I am at home. But at the same time I am so embarrased and self concious of how I look- I struggle with not wanting to be seen at the same time of wanting to be friendly with people.

    #102003
    Karene
    Participant

    I just realise that the issue is with me and myself and not with him. I have so many body image issues right now that I just want to hide all the time and find it very hard to be friendly to any males because I feel so self conscious and really just want to hide away in my own self rejection or anxiety in how to fix myself. Ive gone through so many physical changes that my body and my face look so different now and my face is hard to ignore everyday because of mirrors and things. I just want to accept and love myself but I cant as I look like this.

    #99477
    Karene
    Participant

    Also- I just wanted to add that he still kind of flirts with me – but I try to always get away from it. Because I am not sure if it is flirting or just trying to push my buttons.

    #99476
    Karene
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for helping me see some logic in this and kind words. I hope to be able to learn and pass on the same kindness.

    I think I am slowly starting to move away from seeing him on this pedastool- of seeing him in a romantic way. The women on his facebook page are people he does not know. He just follows them because of how they look and there are only about 8 women or less on there. He has none of his friends on there. And the photos he has photoshopped himself into- there are only a few- but they are with famous women singers that he likes the look of. And then all the 1000 selfies of himself. I know this is unhealthy.

    The thing is, what should I think of this? He knows I can see it and I think he just doesn’t care I have no idea? Like I said he does have schizophrenia- but his last name has been turned into asa model – so its like some fantasy thing he is obsessed with. But its quite hurtful to go on that page of his and see all these love hearts and romance clips in films and quite romantic stuff on there- but also with all these photos of women he likes the look of- one after the other- like obsessive. Like he is trying to find some perfection in a woman to keep this hightened ego fantasy going. It just seems a whole lot more extreme than the average guy because of his illness.

    But what I am saying or asking is am I a girl he likes the look of too- for he follows me like he follows those other girls. Or am I just someone he wanted to keep an eye on or maybe he thought that I liked him so its just for his ego. It just is very confusing for me- I don’t go on there now- it can really get to me- because I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and at the moment its about my face and I have been very very depressed.

    At work I feel like Im not important to him. But I make a thing to make him feel that from me and always have because he can be a bit of a silly joker. There is a part of him that is very sincere and apologetic. He used to open the door for me everytime I was going home. Things like that- like last week he said he hoped he didnt disturb me too much with his silliness. That sort of thing. And I know there has been something there- I felt it and still feel it – but its not like it used to be.

    Im not saying I want him in a relationship- okay there is a big part of me that is all for that- but I have a higher conscious. And Im not so naive that I think he is attracted to me- but I do know that there is something there. I feel like because I over-worked myself there- for sometime I volounteered on weekends because he was there (as well as work my week). I guess I looked desperate and showed that I had no life- that I think the issue is that I am boring now- and that is because this crush has wiped out who I am – was- because its been 5-6 months of it. I never have much to say around him anymore- and everyone knows I have social phobia and am antisocial. Im not exciting and dont really relate to things he is into much anymore.

    That is why I have not been working on weekends anymore. I want to stay away and discover my own self worth. I have begun trying to paint. But every weekend I get very very depressed. I feel like I want to show him and myself that I can love myself again and that I have my own life. Its just kind of hard when I see his page because its confusing to me- I am the only girl he follows I am sure that he knows personally and he knows that I could go on there and see- so what is with that? Does he not get that would make any girl feel so inferior?

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