Yup I agree about that, Anita. I had mentioned that I’m not half as mature as you’d expect for a 26 year old guy. A direct result of having grown up like Rapunzel, being mollycoddled and with very little exposure to others, nearly total lack of independence and being subtly told I’m weak and not able to take care of myself, spending very little time with people of my own age. Not only Jerry but that incident I mentioned on the online forum, where some people spoke against my favourite actor… the voice inside said, “If you don’t strike back, you’re a coward forever for not having defended someone you love.” Same happened now. My brain interpreted that Jerry was offending my parents (when in fact she wasn’t) and it was deja vu.

I will definitely do my best to identify such situations and practice assertiveness, try to develop more self confidence and cut down my ego. It’ll take time, I might fail to keep restraint initially before succeeding. But then, overcoming one’s natural faults from childhood days can’t happen without much effort. And future child brings the future to mind… I don’t want a future without her.

The incident with Jerry happened on March 7th. She last messaged me yesterday, the message I posted on the previous page. I replied saying I still consider her a wonderful and unique friend, and I would subdue my feelings if only to be friends with her again eventually when she agrees. I didn’t know what else to say. She hasn’t replied yet and I’m merely brooding over her message debating whether she’s left me or not. Utter emotional anguish. I want to write about the childhood things, assertive and all I learned here… but after I promised to change myself for her so many times, she has no reason to believe me now. And the wounds are clearly still raw. I really am at a loss and feeling miserable.