Dear Anita,

Thank you again for you kind response.

You are right- one can stop listening to the body and find oneself not seeing reality for what it is.

I know that I’m a person who seeks for answers – I guess that is one of my downsides and I have done it ever since I can remember.

It’s just that I’ve stopped listening to my body a long time ago.

After my break up with my ex boyfriend I still wanted what we had – I sense of belonging. I remember that, although through sadness, I was pretty happy being by myself. I had the freedom to do whatever I chose. When I met my current partner he was so many things my ex boyfriend wasn’t – in fact, pretty much the opposite. I described him as kind.

I think I am still blaming myself for I still see him as kind. When I see other relationships they have problems too – nothing is perfect. Why couldn’t I live with the “imperfections” that my relationship brought. I learned to see the relationship from someone elses point of view – from the outside looking in it looked great. But I didn’t feel it. But so badly wanted to. I realised that I have tried to distract myself from the under lying feeling for so long, trying my best to ignore it.

I’ve had so many conflicting thoughts throughout this time – that when I listen I simply find answers for everything. For so long I’ve thought that my insecurity only depended on my past abusive relationship and the relationship to myself. I am scared to wake up and realise that my current partner only wanted the best for me (which he probably is) and I simply could not see it. Or feel it.

I ask myself if I can’t be happy living with someone else, If I have inflicted so much pain on this relationship, if I can not take responsibillity over my own life. WHat if I made problems up in my head?

But then I ask myself if after three years, i still feel confused and tired – is this relationship really good for me. Instead of thinking that of my past abuse I have to see this relationship for what it is. See I have looked up to him for such a long time and his way of living – that i have tried my best to fit in. And it really worked. It was close to perfect. I tried to hide my confusion and conflicting thought but everytime i was alone they showed up. I tried for so long to calm them down – making excuses for them. But why?

I had someone that really loved me. And I have hurt him a lot.

Sometimes I get angry – I let myself feel it – and it is directed at him. But maybe it is directed at me more.

It is just that I was with an obviously abusive boyfriend but still wanted to stay. And this current relationship I want to leave. He would never treat me like my ex boyfriend. And he has told me so.

I’ve read all terms about my current relationship – gasligthning and narcissistic traits and so on. But then I feel even more confused. what if I didn’t try hard enough. But then again I have tried for 3 years.

I am scared of the future sometimes – I spent so much time worrying about relationships that I feel this hole inside of me. To not have the knowing that someone loves me no matter what. (Although I know I have loving friends and family)

I ask myself can you really fall in to a trap of having 2 partners in a row that in different ways makes you more confused.

My current partner tells me that our fights have been absolutely normal – and that it is normal to fight. I know this too.

I fear that if I ever find someone else that I will feel exactly the same – and then I will know it’s been me all along. And that thought scares me.

What if I have been looking after faults in my current partner to make excuses for me to not stay. Or does it simply comes down to – if it would have been ok I would not be feeling like this. At all.

The thought of going back to him and his house, staying close to his parents scares me – and I won’t. When I think about it I feel a trapped feeling inside, which in turn makes me feel bad as there is nothing wrong with them.

I remember one summer when we were abroad – his family and I, and I was really confused and angry over the way they were treating each other. I thought it was unhealthy and I tried to make my partner see it too. I could see that he wasn’t feeling good at all and I told him to stand up for himself in the kindest way possible. After the trip me and my partner went home while his family stayed. I remember them calling giving him abuse – telling him that he ruined their whole stay and this and that. I remember when his sister got home they had big fights because just of that- he was saying no to abuse. One day after a small gathering, drinking some wine and so on, he had to go to work and he was driving. He made the conscious chose of driving and made sure that he didn’t drink too much the night before. I remember his sister shouting at me, that I wasn’t a good girlfriend and that i should have hidden the keys so that he couldn’t have driven and so on. I tried to calmly say that he is a grown up man that can make his own choices and that I will talk to her when she had calmed down. I just thought it was a strange behaviour for an adult. But then again what do I know, maybe this is perfectly normal.
But do i want it to be normal.

In the end I rememeber my partner couldn’t take it anymore, it really got to him that his whole family was angry at him, which is understandable. He even once before that said that he wanted to move away from there and go somewhere else. BUt in the end he called and said that he was sorry and they didn’t say anything back. Nothing. From me looking in I thought it was very immature and actually quite horrible.

Do you know what I saw there, a glimpse of that person I thought he could be. Is that horrible to say. But someone that has emotional maturity to tell someone else when he thinks he is being treated bad. He can do that with me but not his family. Was it wrong of me to think that he could grow- maybe it was me trying to change him.

I still feel a strong attraction for him, we’ve spent 3 years together. And sometimes I wish I could give it another try to see if I can change my own ways.

I so badly wanted it to be him and me – and I have tried. Should it be this hard. So many times I wished I could be someone else.

I feel hurt that I couldn’t see what was good for me back then. It was almost like I liked being hurt. Especially with the threesome we were having with my friend. We even invited her to come with us on the holiday. I remember one night I just had to get away from there. Just the thought of all us staying in one bed just seemed to trigger what I really felt – hurt. And many times I think that is because of my ex relationship. I remember I walked along the streets in the middle of the night wondering why I was hurting myself. Was I testing his love for me. Was I luring my partner into a trap. In fact I didn’t enjoy their company at most of times. They got along so much better that me and my partner and I could see my friend falling for my partner (and I don’t blame her). I wonder if he was loving all the attention. As we never really spoke about it, as my partner didn’t really want to, I felt like I was falling more into the dark. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. Maybe it was harder than i thought.

I am scared that I was the one luring him into me feeling hurt. As I already did. Maybe I chose him to feel my hurt even more intense.
Maybe he didn’t not actually hurt me – I was already hurt.

I wonder if I am making everything up – or do we not speak the same language. Have I wished that we did.

It seems like I woken up from a place of hurt and I am ready to start welcoming the light. I feel calm inside. I feel joy for the first time in a very long time. I feel free.

Maybe we just are so different. But my partner always tells me that I knew who he was three years ago and he has always been the same so I have to deal with it. But I want to grow in life. Sure my personality will always be with me, but i want to grow. It confused me as everything my partner has told me during 3 years he is changing now when we speak over the phone.

I had the question the other day why we moved in so fast- and I do not know. Practical reasons maybe. It all went so fast and too fast.
But there’s nothing I can do about that now.

I think I just want the certainty that it hasn’t only been me throughout this relationship and legit to feel confused because of his behaviour. I do not why I need it but I do. I have adapted made excuses for so long – that I am tired of this confusion.

If it had worked. Would I really be where I am at the moment. If it had worked for me. Would I have felt hurt and confused or I am focusing too much on the negative sides on this relationship. Or is the negative to hard to live with.

Kind wishes

Ann