“Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama
I used to be one of those moms.
Let me explain.
I was a single mom for literally my daughter’s entire childhood. That’s okay—I was a control freak, so it really suited me. I got to make all the decisions. Perfect!
And it was… for me. Not so much for my daughter, but then in those days I was only focused on getting through the day and paying the bills.
We coped. I made the rules, set the boundaries, and expected her to tow the line.
Which she mostly did, although sometimes begrudgingly. But then, that’s normal behavior for kids, isn’t it?
Well, I thought so.
It’ll come as no great shock, then, I’m sure, when I tell you that she was very eager to escape the clutches of my control-freak-ness and be independent.
And so post-studies she eagerly shifted into her new role of a young adult seeking employment. This was a milestone. The start of her new career—woohoo!
The job market was tough, but we remained cautiously optimistic.
Something would come up. Wouldn’t it? Eventually?
And then she dyed her hair purple.
Being one of “those moms,” my reaction was, with hindsight, completely predictable.
“HOW WILL YOU FIND A JOB WITH PURPLE HAIR?!” I shrieked, as we moms do.
She calmly looked me in the eye and said, “This is me expressing who I am, and if any potential employer has a problem with that, then I don’t want to work for them!”
What could I say. She had a point
And in fact, she went on to get the very first job that she interviewed for.
At one of the oldest and most respected academic institutions in our country.
In one of the most conservative departments.
After being interviewed by a panel of five academics.
With her purple hair.
Now, I’m not too big to admit that I learned a lot from this particular event. Maybe not immediately, but it was one of those times (and there were many) when the parent/child role most definitely reversed.
And I couldn’t be more grateful.
Here’s what I learned:
1. Recognize and identify your filters.
We view life through the filters we’ve accrued from our life experience. Sadly, this often dulls or taints our experience of life.
In this case, I saw my daughter as a child, someone incapable of knowing what was best for her. Viewed through this filter, she needed my guidance and opinion, as I believed all children did. After all, as the wise and experienced parent, don’t we always know better?
We see what we want to see, what we’re used to seeing, what we choose to see, not necessarily what is actually in front of us.
I currently live in a country where there’s a large third world element. And with that comes a lot of roadside hawkers. And I mean a lot!
Growing up, I was cautioned to avoid them, told they were dangerous, made to look the other way.
They were pushy, loud, and not to be trusted. So I was told.
Who was I to argue? Surely my parents knew better.
And so, for a long time, I avoided them, labeled them as bad, and pretended they weren’t there.
As I grew older (and wiser), I started to notice them in a different way.
These people are excited about their wares, enthusiastically trying to entice passers-by, and happy to negotiate very vociferously!
They are energetic and eager. Friendly and interesting.
And mostly, they were simply fellow humans trying to make a living.
A different perspective. A different filter.
2. Stop judging. Find freedom in being neutral.
It’s human nature to charge every event in our lives as positive or negative.
Something is always right or wrong, isn’t it?
So surely having purple hair when your seeking employment in a tight marketplace is wrong, then. Right?
Have you ever tried to observe an event as simply neutral? It’s as easy as acknowledging that it simply is what it is—no judgment needed.
No emotional attachment. No expectation.
And you get to appreciate the value of the event.
Being neutral allows you to find how the event can work for you. It allows us to see a bigger perspective. And opportunity.
I often wonder how different my daughter and my relationship would have been in her younger years if I’d had the awareness then that I have now.
I remember once in her teenage years when she wanted to share some frustration she felt about a specific teacher with me. I listened with my “mom/adult” filter firmly in place, then decided she was wrong (naturally) and proceeded to deliver my (assumed) much needed opinion on the topic. That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it?
No, it wasn’t, not at all.
Not surprisingly, she didn’t share much with me after that.
She wasn’t looking for judgment. Or my opinion. She was simply looking for someone to hear her.
If I’d listened with neutrality I could have been that someone.
3. Get curious about others.
What’s right for me may be wrong for you. That’s a fact and its part of being human.
I had a specific idea of what my daughter’s life should be—how it should unfold, where her path should lead—entirely from my perspective.
I had never really been curious about what she liked, enjoyed, or found interesting.
Surely if she just followed my lead, life would unfold easily for her. Wouldn’t it?
She’d shown interest in music, other cultures, and cooking. I noticed, but that’s not the same as being really curious.
Many moons ago I had a friend who cultivated medical marijuana oil for use with horses.
I know, I also had wide eyes when she told me, along with a whole lot of judgment. I mean, marijuana is illegal (in our country)! How could she?!
I somewhat reluctantly listened to her explanation/justification, full of judgment initially.
And then I noticed how passionately she spoke about her love of horses.
I noticed her conviction to helping them as naturally as possible.
Then I thought about the risk she was taking by cultivating this oil. There was no financial gain for her—it was simply an act of love.
It wasn’t for me to condone or criticize her actions. That’s not my business.
Yet by being curious, I now understand her actions and see the beauty in her passion and love for her horses, whatever that may lead to.
Embracing and respecting each other’s choices fosters tolerance and understanding.
Not only that, but if we really observe those around us with curiosity instead of scorn, we expand our own experience. And isn’t that what life is really about?
My daughter is now a few years into her career at the same institution.
And she’s evolved. Her hair is now a medley of colors. (My own rainbow child!)
And it’s beautiful.
She’s happy. I’m happy.
We understand each other. And respect each other. I listen to her with immense curiosity regarding her opinions, even though mine often differ.
We don’t need to be right. We need to be happy.
When we drop our resistance, our happiness emerges.
It’s always there. No exceptions.
About Jacky Exton
As a Transformational Coach, Jacky’s in the business of CHANGING LIVES. She teaches her clients that if we can see ourselves differently, we show up differently. And from there anything is possible! Learn how to Transform Negative Self-talk at her online school or connect with her here to read more about her coaching programs.