5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Start Looking For Love

“Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” ~Russ Von Hoelscher

Being in love is awesome. Sharing your life with someone special who gets you, adores you, and loves you for who you are is amazing. Sometimes, though, we need to work on ourselves before we are ready to attract a true love like that.

Rather than jumping into yet another romantic adventure without thinking, I encourage you to answer these few questions. I know, at the time of my love search, that they would have served me well.

Instead, I spent ten years dating every jerk under the sun, getting my heart broken on more than a few occasions, and wasting tons of time. I did a lot of growing and learning too, but if you can avoid pain, why not?

In the end, it was all worth it, but if you want to speed up the process and find the best way to the right person, then I believe these questions can help you.

Here they are:

1. Am I ready?

Readiness is not simply about being ready to give up things like your freedom and independence and devoting yourself to nurturing your relationship and sharing your life with another person. Readiness is also very much about living a fulfilled life right now as a single person. It’s about not needing a partner, but wanting one.

Readiness is free of desperation. Readiness is about living purposefully and passionately. Being ready means being okay with your life as it is right now. Being ready is not about filling the gap in your life with a romantic partner, but creating a life you love to live. When you are this kind of ready, you attract happy partners and create happy and lasting relationships.

2. Am I happy?

You need to be happy before you can find a happy partner and build a happy relationship with him or her.

It took me years to dissolve the belief that I’d be happy once I met someone and take responsibility for my own happiness. I now know that happiness doesn’t magically show up the moment you meet the love of your life. Happiness has to already be there. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. You need to tap into the happiness within.

How can you do that? To start, shift your perspective and appreciate what you have rather than focusing on what you would have if you were in a relationship. And my number one tool to tap into the happiness within is a regular meditation. This will help you be more present in your life so you can tune into all the many other reasons to be happy.

The happier you are right now, as a single, the happier a relationship you will be able to create. And this might go without saying, but the happier you are, the more others will be drawn to you.

3. Are my boundaries healthy?

It’s nice to imagine that love has no boundaries, and once you have found that amazing person, life with them will be nice and easy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is a recipe for a disaster.

Without strong boundaries, you will lose yourself in any relationship you find yourself in. You will lose yourself in pleasing, accommodating, and compromising to the point where you won’t remember who you are and what you need.

Healthy boundaries help you build healthy relationships. Healthy boundaries help you maintain a crucial sense of self. Healthy boundaries let others know where they stand with you and what is expected of them. Healthy boundaries give others clarity and make things simple. You need them in dating, in relationships, and definitely in your marriage. You’d better set those boundaries now and stick to them!

Here are a few examples of boundaries which will help you maintain your sense of self and honour your own needs:

  • Don’t give up things you love doing for your partner
  • Speak your mind and say “no” when it feels like a “no”
  • Regularly do things on your own or just with your own friends
  • Have your own goals and dreams
  • Have your passions and purpose
  • Respect your own values
  • Spend quality time only in your own company

Sticking to these rules will make you feel more empowered in early stages of dating and relationships. You also get more respect from people because by having boundaries you communicate self-respect to them.

4. Do I love myself?

How much love you have for yourself will determine your romantic decisions. If you don’t feel worthy of love, then you will make compromises that could hurt you. If you don’t feel like you are the best thing that can ever happen to a guy, then I reckon you still need to work on self-love.

Self-love is bold. Self-love is about owning your greatness and uniqueness. Self-love is about claiming your desires. Self-love is about knowing what you deserve and going for it without apologising. It’s only when you love yourself that you won’t sabotage your dating and romantic happiness.

To go deeper with self-love and recognizing your own worth you can create a list of 100 things you love, admire, appreciate, and resect about yourself. The things which make you feel proud about who you are!

Also, you can create a little self-love ritual. In the morning, you can say: I love you, so today I choose to… eat healthy food, have some fun, exercise, go to bed early, have a bath, read a book etc. And in the evening, before you fall asleep you can appreciate yourself and say: I love you because… you are an awesome person, you are very helpful, you are fun, you are hot, you dealt with this client at work amazingly well today, you’ve cleaned the hole flat and it looks amazing…etc.

5. Do I know what I want from a relationship?

It is not enough to know that you want a relationship. It is not enough to know that you’re done with being single. It is not enough to know that you miss the company of a significant other.

You need to know what kind of person you want to share your life with. You need to know how you want to feel in your relationship. You need to know how you want to live your life once you are in a relationship. Most of all, you need to know the type of person you want to be in this relationship.

Take a piece of paper and journal about it. Gain clarity and explore what kind of relationship you want to create, and don’t forget to determine your non-negotiables! Knowing this will help you navigate \dates and avoid painful mistakes with people who can’t give you what you want and need. And for that, you need to know what you want in the first place, right?

Be honest with yourself while answering these questions, and don’t judge yourself for going after what you want. Knowing what you want can save you lots of heartache and time. If you want your next relationship to be with someone who’s right for you, so your love together can last and thrive, it’s important to spend time getting to know yourself first.

If some of your answers indicate that you’re not ready for the love search yet, don’t be afraid to take time off to deepen your relationship with yourself. This will only serve you long term. It is an investment into your amazing relationship, and investments do take time.

About Aska Kolton

Aska Kolton is a Dating Detox Expert who helps single women love and value themselves more so they stop making mistakes in love, start making more empowered romantic choices, and finally attract the quality guy they deserve. Grab a free Love Life Makeover Session with Aska HERE, and download her Get Ready For Love With The Dating Detox Guide HERE, and join her Facebook Group.

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  • Sam

    But what if you’re so independent and unrelying on others that you never even have anyone to make stupid romantic mistakes with? I have the opposite problem of this and I’m simply just not attracted to anyone at all because I don’t jump into romance, not because of high standards or anxiety or anything like that. Like I could be using that time on so many other things than just going on random dates, but I feel like that’s part of the experience of teens and 20s.

    Like someone would have to be pretty spectacular and I would want to be friends first and get to know them, but I don’t know any guys like that (who like girls anyway). It took me a long time (until mid-college) to meet good friends who actually like me and want to be my friend…I imagine finding a boyfriend would be even more difficult and time consuming :/

  • AJD

    Aska, thank you so much for this article. I’m a great believer in the the idea that “when the student is ready the teacher will appear” and this is perfect timing for me. I recently started dating again after a number of years being single and want to do this things differently and more successfully this time! Thanks again.

  • Rima

    I don’t think all the persons who found love did ask these questions. Everyone can find love in a different way, asking different questions, or asking nothing at all. For me the answer to these questions is “no” for the first four ones, and the fifth is “I don’t know the purpose of being in a relationship”. I did not find love (nor love did find me either) till now. Why is it not that as everyone is different, even those who don’t fit to these standards could find love(a love that that fit their wound, that would make them grow), this is discrimination and unfair.

  • Aska Kolton

    How important is finding love for you right now? It doesn’t sound like a priority from what you have said in your post. If this is true, then enjoy your life to the fullest until you feel the desire to find someone or he just shows up in your life:-)

  • Aska Kolton

    I never said that you wont find love if you don’t ask these questions:-) You can find love or love can find you without asking the above questions. The purpose of these questions is to determine whether you are at the right place in life to look for love. If you are not, chances are you will be looking for love for the wrong reasons and it potentially can create extra heartache in your life.

  • Aska Kolton

    Indeed, when the student is ready love appears:-) good luck with your dating! I am sure you will get it right this time as you have grown through all the years of being single:-)

  • Rima

    I have never been really ready for love. I know I have to heal my ancient wounds. Yes you are right, I have look for love for the right reasons( what are the right reasons?), and I have no idea what are the really the right reasons(for me or in absolute).

  • DMP

    This article is beautiful & right on time. Thank you for this piece of wisdom. I recently got out of a very painful & emotionally abusive relationship- it has taken me months to heal & I suspect I am not fully finished with the task. Looking back I saw a lot of red flags before getting into the relationship but I went ahead anyway because I was very lonely & going through a rough time & wanted company. Big mistake. I learned a very hard life lesson as a result of that relationship & the truth was I was not ready for the love I desperately wanted. Looking back, I see that Self-Love was the missing component to that relationship. I am working on that now- in my actions & thoughts & how I speak to myself. I am using this time of “singleness” to really accept & nurture myself. I have so many great qualities as a person, I am learning that I dont need to compromise my values just to have companionship. Going forward my decisions will be based on taking actions aligned with “because I love myself.”

  • Ms. Sonali Gedam

    If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress…

    “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”…

  • Guest

    What if you answered no to all these questions but you’re in a relationship? I answered yes to #5.

    I’m definitely not relationship material and I have no business being in a relationship. But I’m a serial monogamist and I’m going on 3 years in this relationship.

    I know I need a lot of work on myself, but I feel like it would take a decade or more to fix myself. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 17+ years with what seems like minimal improvement. And it sounds so depressing to go decades long without sharing my life with someone, especially since I don’t have family relationships or close friendships. So I just feel like I will be broken forever, in and out of relationships.

  • GBJoker

    S… Basically… I don’t stand a chance. Oh wells.

  • Sawachika Eri♥

    I just got heartbroken and was thinking, I will never fall in love again.
    I lost hope looking for love, as it will still be the same in the end.

  • Shirley Brown

    As someone in her 70’s, being single after many years of a relationship with one person is to say the least confusing. I see that the younger generations are thinking about the same things that I am thinking about. Sorry, it is never ending. To be single or not? To give up independency and or even space? And do I at my age really need to?
    Most all of us need to have others around as Maslow(psychological theorist) has listed in the priorities for humans after food, water, and shelter. And when younger the ticking clock for children can be relentless.
    In my younger days, women did not have the freedom they have now. No, the 50’s woman was to marry and start having kids and it was “happy hubby, happy life”. In high school, there was only tennis, golf and swimming for girls because “we were the weaker sex”. The idea of women having equal rights and going to work proported by Frienden was in the early 60’s, when I was in high school, a time when I could not even wear pants to school, no only skirts.
    So the idea of being my own person was not really ever in my mind. And I did marry for the wrong reason to the wrong guy. But he was fun and we had two great sons.
    But as I grew, I could see I had to get away, so I did after 38 years. I was single for 5″years but looking for the same cause I had not realy grown sufficiently to be myself. So I made a bad mistake after having a very bad MVA. iI returned to him and He was worse than before. I was in such chronic pain for 9 years, I did not believe I could take care of myself. Finally last year I got real help and have really improved and left him after he became abusive, both verbally and physically.
    I left in my RV for a one year vision quest to find myself. Damn. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. But it was good.
    So I would like to add a couple more questions to the list.
    What type of family is he from? Meet them all. Infact have lunch with them. Get to know them and listen to all their family stories. Make sure you know about crazy aunt Sudie, etc. If you do not understand her symptoms, ask a counselor. My exes mother was diagnosed with a personality and attempted to kill herself with meds. Ahh he is just like her.
    Check out everythings he says. Know his friends and if possible people from work. Verify where he went to school, his grades, etc. Know his political opinions, spiritual beliefs, as much as favorite movie or song.
    then ask yourself, does it all add up?
    We all are really putting out our best self and even embellish sometimes, but if its not got a grain of truth, then leave.
    And always believe: He or She is not going to get any better, in fact, they can get worse. But always have fun and quit thinking about failure. I am just learning as you are too.

  • In the famous words of RuPaul: “If you can’t love yourself…. how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

  • Can I get an amen?