The Art of Being Happily Single

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.

So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

I’m thirty-one and single!

Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

Now what? Where to start?

I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

In my research, I learned some important truths about being single:

1. Being single gives you time to be by yourself, with yourself.

Finally, some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head.

This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point…

2. If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present.

Yes, I have fond memories of my exes, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow.

Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for today!

3. It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing.

During those ten years, I lost love, a pregnancy, and my health. I truly believed I had lost everything. I can’t even start telling you how many tears I shed during those difficult times.

Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself.

4. Change can sometimes be good.

Part of me feels afraid of this quick change. Adaptation takes time, yet I’m already thinking of all the possibilities—meeting new people, going to new places, tackling new projects.

Sometimes change is the best thing for us, as it opens us up to new activities and environments.

5. Being single does not have to mean being afraid to love.

My heart has been bashed, bruised, and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect.

Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.

6. Even if you’re single, you still have so much to appreciate.

“Being single is not the end of the world,” a friend said to me. She continued by saying, “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”

This felt like a slap in the face to wake me up. It reminded me that even with a broken heart, I am still standing. I’m still breathing. There are still so many possibilities for me.

7. You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.

I am lucky to have a supportive mother and sister. They are my sanity—my light. Spending time with them relaxes me in a way. I’m also fortunate to have wonderfully good friends who are always there with open arms, ready to listen and support me.

I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.

8. Being single is a call to focus on yourself.

Sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself. You can get so comfortable that your goals take a back seat.

When you’re single, it prompts you to look deep inside yourself and identify the person you really want to be—whether you’re in a relationship or not.

9. Something better will come your way if you’re open to it.

I found a lovely quote through twitter, “To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm.”

When something bad happens, we tend to concentrate on the negatives, forgetting that there must be something positive hidden somewhere in the havoc.

You will know happiness in the future—and in the present, if you’re open to it.

10. Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.

I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over.

I am starting over.

As a newbie in singlehood I still have a lot to learn, understand, and explore. I sometimes need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have.

As we all know, these words are easier said than practiced. So I hold onto one important idea that I’d like to leave you with:

Change comes from within. You alone have to decide if you want that change.

About C. De Lima

C. De Lima has a Master’s Degree in Art & is certified in Education Support. She is currently in Perth, WA, studying and developing a new art project.

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  • Zel

    I am 31 and single at the moment too! But what if your best friend is your ex since you’ve been together for such a long time? How do you deal with not having that many friends to begin with, and losing your soulmate and your best friend at the same time? I find it hard to cope. I’m at a loss right now too. What should I do? I tried making new friends but it’s just no longer easy.

  • Lv2terp

    This is a great blog, thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom!! I saw this same thing happen to my mom….lead to true introspection, and improvements for her as well!! 🙂

  • Caroldekkers

    Thanks for your insightful post. I am single after being married for 1/2 my life and finally realize that alone is not lonely!  I never had the chance before to live for me and discover who I am and how great that is!

    Whether I ever have another relationship or not is irrelevant because I finally love myself unconditionally and am happy with my own company.

    Wishing you a lifetime of wondrous happy times whether you are single or coupled in the future.

  • 29, single and scared

    You just gotta keep trying. The only way to move forwards is to create new connections, new habits, it’s a huge paradigm shift. 
    Change, for all the fear it elicits, is a positive thing, a driving force. Channel the fear, let it drive you. Life goes on, you either take a back seat and feel like a victim, or take the wheel, and show the world you are strong.

  • freelife69

    Wise words! Having been single now myself for 15 yrs, I found the one for me: that is ME. As long as I can love myself 1st, then loving someone else becomes a bonus not a necessity.

  • Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out. Excellent article, in the rush to being in relationships, so often we loose who we are, the reason someone was attracted to us in the first place. Whether single or involved, always taking those moments to discover yourself will strengthen whatever it is you’re doing at that moment.

  • nanners

    The bigger challenge to being happily single is when “single” has been nearly your entire adult life, and facing towards your late forties instead of back at your late twenties.  While not trying to play Top That, and I appreciate that you are experiencing and sharing where you are now, there is so much more to the single experience than a temporary blip between relationships. When that reality hits you strong and deep as it does for some of us not fortunate enough to find those relationships, that is when your time on the cushion becomes even more important.

  • I’ve actually celebrated being single for years. I found dating (in my early 40s) was just  a lame, superficial process & maybe after a career spent around mostly men – I’d just had enough of them. I’d return from deployments & say – “The last thing I want to see right now is a dude.  I just want to go shopping for cashmere, girly things, have spa days & bubble baths – and most importantly wine with my girlfriends. 

    I would be offended at anyone who asked why I wasn’t married – like it’s some kind of honor and am more offended that someone would compare being single to being homeless or one blissful day of marriage to the mythical prince charming.  I was happy to have the bed to myself.  I wasn’t looking, wasn’t wanting to be chained to another person the rest of my life.  Once you establish YOU, love YOU, go at life like it’s a buffet & you want to taste (sometimes spitting out) as much as possible – your feelings of “aloneness” in single life outweigh that ache of being “lonely” or unappreciated in a relationship (or oppressed in a marriage).  You are now free to try living in another country for a while & shift your realities if you really want to taste the world. 

    That said, after years of being unabashedly & blissfully single, he, the man I thought couldn’t
    possibly exist so didn’t even bother looking, walked in out of the rain
    and into my life.  This was six months ago – we are both still happy
    being “single” but also happy to have found each other to share what we
    BOTH enjoy as life’s pleasures. Travel, wine, cooking included.

    The point – you are so young (I was divorced at 33 & “found myself at 35”) and this new singleness is freedom – and begging you to experience everything in life you couldn’t do married! It’s a gift.   

  • Zel, I was in the exact same situation you are (only I’m 10 years older!).  It’s really difficult when you don’t have a circle of friends to turn to.  I was so lucky to have a trusted therapist, and I know not everyone can afford to see one (I couldn’t really either, but I worked it out) but I don’t know what I would’ve done without her.  I would be happy to listen if you need someone to talk to.  I know what it’s like to have to start over after a long relationship.  I wish you the best. XO

  • Rayne

    I don’t think it’s ‘supposed’ to be easy, and I don’t know anyone it’s been easy for, except those that were not invested in the relationships in the first place. And I think many people experience the loss of a best friend when they break up with someone, and often find that the hardest bit – the one person who made them laugh that way, the one who understood that little quirk, the one who liked all the same things…. and so on. But there are millions of people in the world, and between them all, they will be able to do exactly those things for you. I myself have been single many times for years at a time, and this for me is the first time I’ve found it so hard making new friends – but it’s my geography, I live in an area where so many people are married and settled. So, who knows, perhaps I am meant to move? Or perhaps I am meant to use this time to get fitter in many ways – physically, emotionally, financially…. who knows. I just need to trust in my waivering moments, that this is my path for now, and try and make the best cake with the current ingredients. The world is our oyster – can learn a new instrument, language, skill…. all these things, and eventually, when we find our passion, then passion will arrive! Good luck! Keep going – as the wonderful film ‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ says “It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end” – – – which means we’ve still got some colourful journey left – how lucky are we!

  • I appreciate this article so much – it’s really difficult to find anything where being single is discussed in a positive light.  Before I met my ex-husband, I had accepted the fact that I would likely be single for the majority of my life (and thankfully I really love myself and am comfortable being alone).  It was quite a shock to find someone to be with long-term, because I had never expected that to happen.  When the relationship ended, it was quite a transition (to say the least) to go back to where I was so many years before.  Of course, the relationship ending was a huge upheaval and completely turned my world upside-down, but I had to quickly find that place again within myself where I knew that I was okay, and nothing was lacking just because I wasn’t with somebody else. 

    The reaction of other people to the end of my relationship has been one of the strangest factors in my experience… it’s difficult to convince most people that it’s okay for someone to be alone, and that life doesn’t end and activities don’t stop.  Honestly, most people act like I shouldn’t leave the house if I don’t have someone to go to events or eat out with!  Thankfully I had an incredible therapist and a good sense of humour so I’m able to laugh most of those comments off, but I wish there were more positive examples that single people can and do thrive.  I want to be that example for others as well as I am able!

  • Antparty

    Nanners, you may have said it better than me. I am what I call an “institutional” single. I’m 47 and never married. I have always wanted to experience a long term relationship and have done a great deal of work to unearth why. I was close in my mid-30’s and again two years ago when I reconnected with someone from college on Facebook. I think timing broke us apart. At my core, I don’t think it’s over.

    But the truth is, for now, it is.

    So I breathe a lot. I try to focus on getting through every day and taking my eyes off the future. I will say that the time alone, that of being single, has allowed me to self-examine my life on a level that most of my coupled friends will never know.I enjoy some moments alone. But I can also tell you that sometimes, it’s really lonely and I’ll say painful, especially when you see others connecting with someone. I know it’s just my ego. But regardless, that pain is real.

    So again, I breathe. And I breathe again. It’s what I’ve got. 

  • Spencer Tolliver

    As I read all the comments below, I feel like I got off a little easy. I am 22, and broke up with someone I thought I loved after a year of dating. ( I know….)
    Ive never been through a divorce, and that’s why I believe I got off the hook quite easily.
    As days fly by, I learn more and more everyday that I can make this life mine – that I can learn to do things on my own, without a relationship. Without the burden of a college relationship, I get more time to achieve these things! Make it a great day for YOU, that should be your priority!

  • Believe

    I always read the tinybuddha’s, I love them they speak to me, its how I start my mornings, but this one in particular, really spoke to me today I am 11 months of being single, I got out of a 10 year relationship, and it wasn’t easy, like you I had the same questions about myself and what was I going to do now, I am 34 and single, it felt like the end of the world, today I am embracing it and enjoying all that life has to offer….I am not going to lie and say it wasn’t hard and some days still are, but I am now looking forward to the possibilities, thank you for sharing your life!

  • Chuckyarou

    I find zero solace in these words especially when I hit point 7.  My friends are all married with several kids or gone.  I don’t a relationship with my parents and any extended family is practically non existent.  

  • JC

    I am 42, I am single after 11 years of being married to my second husband. Before him I was fine being single but he said all the right things, “I want to take care of you.” That was the end of being single. Now I am wanting to take care of myself because after 11 long years I should have been taking care of myself and not everyone else. I am scared of the unknown but this article made me realize what I have known all along, In order to grow you have to change. And my part of that change is being single again and reconnecting with myself again. I am uncertain to where I am going but the possibilities are endless. And I want to check them all out!
    I have enjoyed this article, comments and it helps to know I am not the only one.

  • Wonderbink

    If you need a quick pep talk on how be happily single without giving up on the possibility of companionship, just listen to “Lucky Number” by Lene Lovich and you’ll be back on your feet in three minutes flat. Trust me.

  • TA

    Being single only sucks when you perpetuate the delusion of defining yourself by your relationships. 

  • apassionatelife

    Just a small note to say that in this life anyone can make new friends…all it takes is allowing yourself to be open to someone elses experiences..and to be a good listener..and lastly not to judge what is in front of you…we all have the freedom to choose the attitude we take no matter what we are faced with…and lastly never, nerver quit…there are many people in this world who do care…

  • apassionatelife

    I am going to be 60 this year and have will be single after 35 years of marriage…what motivated me to make this move (and by the way scared to death) was knowing I was living out of fear…not out of the real passion I feel in my heart..and if I continued to choose this path I would never feel what I know is possible..true love..a finding that partner to share all I have to offer…(only because I choose to want to be in a relationship) I have worked hard on loving myself and believing in myself, this did not come easy,I was a slow learner, but now although so very uncertain of my future (also changing countries) I look forward to the continued journey and take with me the knowledge of my past accomplishments, relationships and experiences that has brought me to my current moment…I choose my attitude in any given moment of joy, fear, frustration, anger, confusion, uncertainty…and the list goes on…but any emotional turmoil can be quelled by our own freedom to choose how we react..I choose optimism and joy…my best wishes for all our adventures to be full of just that ‘adventure and discovery’….

  • Carol

    Being alone and not lonely is not what we are taught growing up (“you have to be a friend to have a friend” which can be total crap if you are naturally a nice person and have put up with toxic friendships)… but one thing that works for me is to realize that my own company can often be more reliable and enjoyable than being with just anyone who happens to cross my path.  While it may seem lonely not to have many friends (there just aren’t that many opps to meet good people when you are out of school!) – and sometimes that makes for a lot of alone time.  I am learning that it is better to be in my own supportive company than to hang out with abusers  (especially if they are family or “friends”). 

    With the stats out today (49% of american adults are not married, 75% of Florida marriages end in divorce) – singles are becoming a majority in US society – yet mass media (movies, press, political circles) has not caught up to the fact that singledom is a natural state.

    Hang in there – there are so many of us traveling alone through life and surviving.  Being coupled and unhappy is IMHO the worst possible state. 🙂

  • I completely understand.  The pain IS real.  And, it’s difficult because most people don’t understand.  And, the last thing people want to do is hang around someone moping around feeling sorry from themselves.  Now I do allot myself a little self pity party from time to time.  But, I almost never discuss that empty feeling deep down in the pit of within that just wants to be loved.   It’s too painful to talk about and it make better sense to “breath and try to focus on getting through every day.”  And, I try, no matter how long I’ve been alone not to give up hope that one day I will feel that safe quiet closeness of a true love………….

  • Thanks!  Those are great words of encouragement!

  • Awesome:)

  • Andrea Sky

    All you mentioned is true! My circumstance is a little different being almost 31 and having one proper boyfriend in my early 20s, waiting for the right man all this time. I met a man who lives in canada like me! while taking a break in Australia. It wasn’t perfect but there was a great companionship. It’s much harder to feel secure about being single when I was hoping I finally found somebody after all this time…. Now I’m 31 and single again too!

  • 29 and Single

    This almost feels like my story, it is good to hear others that are going through the same thing. I am close to 30 now and was in a relationship for just under 10 years than another one almost right after for close to 2 years that unfortunately ended due to a very complicated circumstance. However I am finally coming to realize that I should cherish my time now and get to know myself. I think I am going to take a break from relationships for a little while and get to know me better, I am in no rush to be attached again.

    Thank you for your story!!

  • Jules

    I have been in a similar situation, having lost the friendship and support of someone I cared for a great deal (my best friend). I think the key to coping with feelings of “holy cow, what am I going to do without this person?!” is to ask oneself: what is it that my friend (or whomever it is that I lost and that I now miss) provided me? What was the need that was been met when they were around? Is it something that I can provide for myself?

    I hope I’m explaining myself correctly. What I mean is that often, what we really miss is something that the person provided, and not necessarily the person themselves. I think that it’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes we seek what we think we need in others, when in fact we could start depending on ourselves a little more. 

    I’ve found that, once I identified the need that the person met, and if it is something that I can find in myself, I can rely on myself more and in turn start appreciating my friends for who they are and not what they do. I stopped expecting so much of the people around me and I found it easier to accept them as they are, too. I think that unmet expectations are one of the key issues when dealing with interpersonal relationships in general. Letting go feels nice!

    Anyways, I found that thinking this way helped me cope with my loss, and I really hope it will help you too.
    I wish you a happy end of week!

  • Nelsi

    Hey, it’s you again! 🙂
    Frankly, gw juga dalam recovering process, I had the worst break up last year, dan yang selalu gw lakukan adalah one day at a time, breathe and go slowly. Hope you are doing well 🙂

  • laurie

    Ok, I was expecting to read an article about actually being single. But really this is more of a how to survive between relationships.  I have been single for 16 years and have chosen to be single. I love my life and am not looking for a partner to share it with. I have many loving friends, I am not alone.  I love my life.  I am really tired of people making “single” sound like a fate worse than death.   I do not find being single a challenge. I do not find it negative.  I am happy for you for finding a way to cope. Enjoy your life…single or not! It is an adventure!

  • CDeLima

    I’m still standing so far – opening up to all the opportunities that come my way 🙂
    Thanks ya untuk supportnya 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Hi Andrea, I can relate to you.  It does sound scary but if you open up bit by bit to the thought of living life as ‘ I ‘ and enjoying it, love will come and find you. 🙂 

    Hope floats 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Thank you for sharing. I love that you choose optimism and joy.  Sometimes I forget about those two and slump back to my ‘dark side’, but the knowledge that I’m not alone bounces me back.

    It is such a wonderful feeling sharing my experience and getting positive feedback and supports from you. 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Change has to come from you.  Believe me when I say I know it’s scary and lonely.  I went into depression, specially after my last relationship.  I reached rock bottom until one day I said to myself enough.  This is tiring and the past is the past.  I got hurt but I’m still standing.  I live in Perth, WA, but my family and best friends are in another country.  I had to force myself to opened up and find new activities and experiences where I meet new people, some who are now my friends. 🙂

    Hope floats my friend.  Take things step by step and keep the optimism afloat.

  • CDeLima

    Thank you for taking the chance to look forward for the possibilities.  Your comment is a positive feedback for me too. 🙂

  • Single in Pacifica, CA

    I just turned 32 and 7 months into singlehood. I have also have spent the last 10 years with a man by my side, one who cheated on me after 5 years and one whom was emotionally abusive, whom I have a child with…..You are not alone in this journey!
    Thanks so much for writing this article, it helped me to feel less alone and stronger in my quest to find happiness within myself first before coupling again.

  • CDeLima

    Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your experience.  I too work with an excellent counselor who has been extremely gentle and encouraging.  It’s nice to talk to ‘someone’ out of your circle and see things from a different perspective.  It encourage you to grow.

    Good luck for your new adventure in life 🙂

  • Palladay
  • Single in Pacifica

    Couldn’t agree more!

  • CDeLima

    “Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out.” – I really like this statement from you. Thank you so much! 🙂

    For now, I’m enjoying my ‘singleness’ and opening in up to all the new opportunities that come my way. 

  • kclarin

    this is really a gem, whether you’re not in a relationship or in one. i am a believer in and practitioner of incorporating separation within togetherness. i think solitude and enjoying that space for and of yourself, is important, and we should be mindful not to lose it when we’re with partners. 

  • D-nice

    In the grand scheme of the latticework of life, there are each and every one of our INDIVIDUAL lives. If something is not working, we have the power to change. And while I believe everyone should be respectful and compassionate to all beings, it means nothing if we are not also respectful and compassionate of ourselves. We are all constantly in relationships of varying degrees… With our favorite teacher at school, our mail carrier, our family members, our friend’s from all stages of life and yes, our significant other/spouse/partner in crime (whatever moniker works for you) a romantic relationship is just part of a bigger picture. The one constant and most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is something I’ve just begun to learn in the past 10 years and it is always a work in progress 🙂

    By the way, I’ll be 40 in may and if I had a nickel for every person who’s asked “how come you’ve never been married?”, I’d be rich by now (or at least able to pay off graduate school! Haha)

  • “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
    What a great quote!! I personally love my singleness  and see it as a gift to truly embrace and explore my passions. So often you stop being yourself in a relationship – losing your sense of individuality just so you may be a couple. My own personal mantra is “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls”.

    So many people are in bad relationships because they are afraid of being “alone”. I’ve never quite understood that one?? And what can be worse is the search for their “soul-mate” who “completes you”. That one terrifies me in that if you cannot be happy and complete with yourself than there are deeper issues at hand.

    I’m blessed with amazing friends (so grateful for that) who do not question my choice to be single – and YES it is a choice. This does not mean I have any less love in my heart as I find Nature as my constant companion.

  • Dshort2010

    I became single after 17 years of marriage. Facing dating and trying to find someone new at 40 was not something I expected for my life…However, I have learned so much about myself in the last two years.  For all of that, I am grateful. 
    Sometimes I think I want someone in my life…but I realize that I am still not ready.  There is no room for “someone”.  What I have said to others before, you have to be good with you, before you can be good with someone else.

    You’re quote on there being so many more things worse than being single is spot on.  I am not lonely, I am alone…and I will find someone to share my life when the time is right.  If I choose a time before, I will  certainly follow the same path as before.

    The real goal is not to find someone else…it is to find yourself!!

  •  I truly agree – when we marry at a young age, we often mistakenly choose someone who is like a parent so that we can hopefully succeed with acceptance or otherwise get it right the second time.  At least that’s what happened with me (a perfectionist father.)

    I also believe that in western societies, women are taught to take care of others (I recall the Canadian Girl Scout Brownie law – A brownie is cheerful and obedient, a brownie always thinks of others before herself.) and men are taught to find someone to take care of them (the Scout law was “Be prepared”.)  When we women “wake up” at midlife and see no one taking care of us (it should have been us!) we discover that everyone else is well but us.

    Single or married or coupled or whatever is a choice, just the same as being happy or not. 

    Wishing you well!

  • I like what you have to say…
    “Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.”

  • Single Aussie Girl

    I think its great that you are learning all of this now! I know it would be hard, but if you can find the GREAT things about being single, you will love it and yourself. If your looking for some inspiration, or just funny single stories, follow my blog! It’s what im dealing with every day 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Thank you for wonderful words.  I love your mantra “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls” – very encouraging and positive. 🙂

    You are absolutely right that by choosing singleness one does not lose love!

  • What a perfect article you’ve composed: brief, light, to the point, & most of all… inspiring. Thank you.

  • inuna

    I loved this article, as it really resonated with me. I am also 31, I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years… And I have now been single for over two years. At the beginning I saw it as a temporary status before finding someone else, but the longer I am single, the longer I realise that it is a time that needs to be cherished in itself. 
    It frustrates me when people ask me why I am single, as if there was something wrong with me. The truth is that the reason why I am single is because right now, there is nobody else I would rather spend time with than myself. 
    I have done internet dating, I have looked for love when I wasn’t ready, and now I am just focusing on loving and enjoying my own company. And when I am ready, and I meet someone that makes my heart skip a beat, I will embrace it. But for now, I am still learning to love myself.

  • Aquarius Company

    Thanks … and I love this comment I read somewhere — “Simply because I choose to be single now, doesn’t mean I will be single forever.” 

    My biggest learning from being single these past 5 years is this: 

    My view of life as one long string of “either, or” is flawed — the right word is “and” … meaning, the belief that “EITHER I’m in a relationship/married now OR I’ll be single forever” is a lie – the truth is “I’m single now AND one day I may choose something different.”  =D

    There is no such thing as “lack” — there is only my heart’s desire.  In this present moment, my heart’s desire is to be single.  One day, my heart’s desire will change — and my life will change with it.

  • Zel

     yes, sometimes I feel like I can be this strong woman who can do pretty much whatever. But the thought of having no one to run to anymore makes me really sad inside! But thank you for the encouraging words..

  • Zel

     Hi Jules,

    I have issues in letting go, so this really is not easy at all. I am learning each day to let go, but your comment has let me see things in a different view. Really appreciate it. Any tips in how to stop expecting so much from another person? I think this is why I am always disappointed. Thank you for the comment…have a good week 🙂

  • Zel

     Hi Alannah,

    Thank you for the offer! Knowing I’m not alone and there are people out there just like me..and they are doing good gives me hope! Thank you for the kindness 🙂

  • Zel

     “It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end” – I like this very much. I think I am a positive person generally, but when it comes to my ex I feel like I’m the most vulnerable and pessimistic person on earth. Let’s try to make the best out of life, shall we? 🙂

  • chance

    Very true. I am 28 and have been single my entire life, not even having had a dating relationship. Not for lack of trying, or lack of loving, but just unlucky. There have been 3 or 4 times something almost worked out, but didn’t. After so many years, there reaches a point where you realize “I’ve come this far, and I have had happy times, and I’ve been reasonably well overall, so I will obviously be okay” and you gain confidence from that. Knowing you don’t need any one particular person makes you more comfortable and caring.

    Still, we are social creatures, and half of that social biology is dedicated to loving a mate. I have a lot of love to give, and it’s a profound aspect of being human. Sometimes being single just sucks, and in those times self-therapy helps about as much as thinking of a warm summer day in the middle of a bitterly cold winter. Embracing how bad it feels, experiencing and knowing your pain, and then watching as it eventually passes is what truly gives you strength. These emotions come and go, and I think truly knowing that prepares you to better love someone else, as any married person can tell you passions are not a constant.

  • Divya5890

    “My heart has been bashed, bruised and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.”
    Does that mean: to have a wandering eye? Sort of like a relationship gypsy?

  • Divya5890

    “bonus not a necessity”
    I will remember that.

  • Divya5890

    “in the rush to being in relationships, so often we loose who we are, the reason someone was attracted to us in the first place”
    Since the time I thought I had fallen in love again, I tried a lot to be myself and not to impress that person, because I will have to keep doing that my whole life and someday it will be a burden and everything will get destroyed. Being myself was one of the lessons I had learnt from my previous relationship, i.e. loving myself, because without it how could I love someone else? Solitude is very important, it lets you know yourself, so that you can accept yourself, and love yourself, find the inner peace.

  • Love

    I have survived a 4 years relationship and I have been single for two years now. At first, the change was really hard to accept. I have gone through a lot of pain with rejection and the worries of not going to feel better being single. But then I realized that being single have been the most awesome gift I have experienced. For almost 4 years in a relationship I realized that I lost who I want to be, I lost my personality, I lost my zest, I lost a lot of things about myself. I lost that one element why people love me and why I was so attractive before. And so, being single gave me time to heal myself and find it again. I traveled often, met random people, focused on the outdoors, ran marathons, loved my girlfriends, adapted guy bestfriends, focused on a lot of hobbies and just enjoyed everything. 🙂 It was awesome. I never thought that being single would be the best thing and now I don’t even want to give it up. I feel so independent and powerful, lively and happy. I feel so free. Free from hatred, free from pain, free from everything. My mind is just clear and happy. I realized that many people loves me and I don’t need to worry about it. Right now, I attract a lot of people who are interested in dating me, but I just keep it cool and slow..I still chose being single, I still wanted to feel more wonderful, more time I need to give to myself for the 4 years I have given to someone else. 

    Being single is the best thing that can happen to someone. It’s a time to heal and know yourself more. 🙂

  • CDeLima

    it means be open to all the positive opportunities that comes your way.  🙂
    i do like your statement “relationship gypsy” – we humans always have relationships with others anyway – family, friends, peers, and/or colleagues. interesting hey?! 😀

  • CDeLima

    Thank you! Really love your comment! 🙂

  • CDeLima

    I love your post! Thank you for the enlightenment! 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Dear Zel.  My heart goes out to you because I understand what you are going through – I have been there too. Unfortunately there is no easy way out.  You can wallow as much as you want – it’s okay not to be okay, but then you have to find strength in yourself to stop, raise your chin, gain your self respect and start moving on step by step.  If you open up, even just a bit, you would see all these new adventures passing in front of you, grab it! Find new activities out of your comfort zone and you will meet and befriend new people.

    It takes time and a lot of effort. I too still get wobbly sometimes, specially when the past comes back to haunt me. What I do is close my eyes, breath in and out and remind myself I’m a strong woman who deserves much better and am entitled to be my own person. It does calm me down.

    When I feel lonely, I remember my mother’s saying – “you are never alone, because I have you in my thoughts.” This helps put a smile back on my face.  You are not alone.. look at all the post and comments here to support you! Chin up dear friend.

    Remember, after the storm, you will see a rainbow! 🙂

  • a real beautiful piece of advice. lot of thanks for this.

  • Zel

     Thank you. You made me cry and smile at the same time reading your reply. This is my first time admitting my feelings to the public, so I’m very grateful for the article and comments. I will try my best, and I hope everyone who had had their heart broken and feels alone just like I do will feel better if not now, eventually, coz I believe in that too!

    I’m looking forward to the rainbow someday 🙂

  • Single Aussie Girl

    I love the quote “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.” I use it all the time. Makes me feel good about being single!!

    I also do not understand those people who are in relationships because they are afraid of being alone. I would rather being single than with someone purely for that reason. Be strong and stand on your own two feet!

    And yes, great friends make being single so much easier 🙂

    Single Aussie Girl 

  • Akerwan

    I think you are a fabulous writer. When a writer stirs your emotions just by the placement and descriptive usage of words, you know they’re extremely talented. Much gratitude to you for your beautiful thoughts

  • sarah

    I am going through a similar situation now…and know how frustrating it can be. One day I feel normal and the next I can’t stop crying. I realize that a big part of this is due to the fact that I somehow isolated myself within the relationship and became somewhat dependent on my partner…emotionally. I did realize that this is something I can never do again because this tends to drive people away from you. Somehow your partner can sense your neediness and pulls away. 

  • Zel

     Yes, do learn to not be fully dependent emotionally on your partner. if it didnt work out (touchwood!) you will be somehow end up feeling like i do…so stay strong Sarah 🙂

  • Deborah Stark

    wonderful blog! its scary and lonely at times but also exciting and every day i learn something new about me or how to improve myself.
    welcome to the adventure and hopefully we find what we need before find who we want:)

  • Ana

    I recently left a 3 and a half year relationship, and I’m finding my feet being single. I realised that being in that relationship, I had held back from being ME; I was the flexible one in the relationship, so we ended up doing things his way: the relationship only worked if/when I slotted into HIS life. And I found that too restrictive.

    So I’m now taking time to enjoy being ME. To figure out the things that matter to me; to explore the world, go dancing with friends, run marathons, move abroad if I want to, dance around the kitchen, live alone for once! I would love to do those things *with* someone; but I chose not to stay in a relationship just for the sake of not being alone. It has to be some ONE, not just someone, if I am going to devote myself to them. 

    Thank you for this post; I needed a bit of encouragement – especially, somehow, as I was the one to break it up, and people therefore seem to be very keen to suggest that I should be FINE, being as it was MY DOING. Anyway. Thank you.

  • CDeLima

    Hi Ana, thank you for sharing.  Indeed enjoying ME time is such a wonderful feeling, not to forget it is also a learning process to know one self better too. 🙂

  • CDeLima

    Many thanks for the compliment. 🙂

  • NICE_society

    Excellent, as Kahlil Gibran said, “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”.

  • izza24

    I really need these encouraging words right now. I am still in a relationship I guess, actually im not sure. I need someone to talk to in these dark days. I wanna get out from this heartache. But the stories here and comments are inspirational. Thank you.

  • CDeLima

    Pour your heart out.  We are here for you. 🙂

  • izza24

    I’m in a long distance relationship. Everything was great then til my bf for 8 months brought me the news that he has problem with his small company. He has to shoulder all of this as he runs this alone. But our relationship gets affected. i give him my support and i never failed a day to let him know im here even im far. it pains me that i cant do anything for him and i can only get him thru sms now. But lately he is reasoning he has no strength to write message and busy with work. im hurt and i dont know why he lets the relationship get affected this much. Communication is all we have right now and we are almost losing it.Actually what holds me is that my relationship with him is worth saving but i dont when to stop when he is affecting me and it’s draining me. 🙁

  • TheSun

    What a great blog… it’s exactly what I needed to read today (i know I’m commenting on an old post, but I feel compelled to do so).

    After the breakup with my now ex… I had to learn how to stop with the “we” this and “we” that- and eventually that did stop and I am empowered by using “I”.

  • Maheshv163

    I am happy & proud to be single

  • Kate E. McCracken

    A few months ago when I realized I was 31 and single (for the first time in 10+ years!) I felt these same feelings… Now just a week away from being 32 I’m looking forward to it.  31-32-any age, can be a great time to be single!

  • michael

    I have recently seperated from my wife, her decision she doesnt love me anymore, I have lost my home, seeing my kids fulltime and a woman I adored.
    but where do I go from here, single thirty miserable and sad. It just seems like my happiness is in the past, and im afraid of the future … any one have any wisdom. having a bad day today !

  • Beth

    Thank you for the article and all the comments. Really reassuring. I am 31 and my 12 year relationship has just ended. I feel totally lost. I know that I can be happy again but I can’t imagine how I will ever get there. I am so scared of being alone as I am already very lonely. I don’t really have close friends to turn to and I don’t know how to cope. I’m still in the uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating stage! I guess just try to get through each day as it comes?

  • izza24

    Hi Beth, i wish to help. I have some mp3s that a friend shared to me. these are mp3s about self love – the master of love by Don Miguel Ruiz. The words ”
    I am so scared of being alone as I am already very lonely” called my attention for me to write a reply. A friend who shared the mp3s to me went through a rough 12 year marriage  and he was listening to the mp3s of Master of Love during those tough periods of moving on. I am glad that he is sharing to me now the perspective of Toltecs about loving ourselves. There’s a book also to buy. I wish you find the peace within you. You are not alone.

  • Christine Tan

     I strongly agree with you. I’m 29 too and had been in a few relationship but unlucky each time it’s just doesn’t work out. Maybe it’s not my fate yet. I believe in destiny.

  • Christine

     Let go and let God,pray hard my friend. Everything come to passed. Eventually you will go through this.Be strong.Believe in yourself.

  • Abirami

    i’m only 19 but married before one year.i doesn’t like to live like husband is totally different from me.he is my aunt’s parents desided and force me to married him.we have not ask my opinion,ideas and plan for my life.he was so rude.he said me that i’m like a robot to him,i must do whatever he progromed.i made a small mistake ,i was scold like a prison by parents not support i’m not intrested to do life is boring .i’m not concentrated in my studies.but i like to be a brilliant girl.i very much thrust of studies.i like to be myself.but i can’t do nothing above my family.i want to be a good professor.all things are forced to do to me by my family, place,college,all are hardly depressing me.i need a help to relief and like to get a happy joyful life.pleace help me dear.

  • Josh Mooney

    “I have been single for 16 years and have chosen to be single” pepper that right on in so convincingly…You do not feel sexuality, loneliness or sadness….and you only pity those who do…..gosh you’re great…I’m lonely horny and usually cry about it when i’m feeling especially horny….I do not except this fate I’m just looking for some advice while I am single…according to you I’m in the right place

  • Amanda

    I was in a relationship for 15 years it was loving and kind but circumstances were that we had to split. I have been single for seven years and I hate it. Its lonely and isolating. I keep myself busy and do things to enjoy my life otherwise I would become bitter and depressed. However, intimate love makes life not just spiritual or a familial love….(how poor is English in its expression of love). We or certainly I and many others need a balance of all love. Considering my physical nature now I am unlikely to have that love again. It will always be a hole in my life that as my journey goes on I learn to accept.

  • dec

    Keep at it, trust me you will find happiness. Good things happen to good people. It can be intimidating but Its all about putting yourself out there and getting out of your comfort zone. Persistence is key. Learn to love yourself first. Learn to laugh like theres no tomorrow. Its all in self belief.

  • dec

    In order to see the rainbow you have to ride out the storm.
    #Believe in the power within

  • Beth

    5 months on and I have to thank you so much for your recommendation of The Master of Love! I bought the book immediately. Not only did it help me get through the initial pain but it has also pointed me towards a far more positive and satisfying way of living. Whilst I haven’t yet forgotten what went on in my relationship, I feel like I have forgiven him, or I am starting to at least. (Essentially he left me for another woman who he met whilst I was literally sitting next to him, then spent the last 2 months of our relationship telling me how he was falling for her. Ouch!) Anyway, it is water under the bridge. I am learning to fall in love with life again. I’m learning to fall in love with myself too. I’ve learnt that I DO have friends, GOOD friends. Some were always there but I didn’t see it, others are new. Brand new friendships are one of the most wonderful results of the ending of my relationship.

    What else? I have realised that whilst I could well have been depressed for a long long time, it was born out of being in an unloving and unstimulating relationship. We were not right for each other. I knew it all along but did nothing and the knowledge was eating me up inside. The fear of being alone made me cling to something that was hurting us both and it nearly destroyed me. At some point I started to compromise on my dreams, on myself, in order to try and try to make him happy. Nobody would have known but me and it took me a couple of months to stop being cross with myself for allowing it to happen.

    Now I feel full of hope for the future. I can go whereever I want to go and follow any path that I chose. There are no rules and life is an adventure. Everytime I’m scared of doing something I now relish it and embrace the feeling. Once again I feel alive!

    My sort-of mantra that I have been living by is that every cloud has a silver lining if you make it so.

  • Prasoon

    I am at such a position where I think I have to make a solid decision of marrying or not. I have been in a relationship twice but when the thought of sharing everything after marriage comes to my mind, I really start feeling restless and start drifting away from the idea of marriage. Somehow, I think I am born to be single. At the same time, if I stay alone for too long, I start feeling lonely which is human nature. But for me, I think it’s choosing lesser of the two evils. Marrying, being unhappy & restless will not only make me sad but will also spoil my partner’s life who could’ve otherwise found a man who appreciates the art of sharing. I’ll try to pick up points from this article and apply to my life and hope I find happiness. Thanks for sharing!

  • shanna

    Once you find the Greatest love wich is within you.that empty feeling deep down in the pit of within’ will go.i’am happy to have found that love . i must say the only thing i miss right now is Someone to have sex with lol.Cause i hate using toys.masturbation,porn and all that,1am too holy for those kind of stuff hehe x

  • shanna

    OMG, i also Cry when iam Horny lol otherwise, i’m not soo lonely.its just the Sex thing lol

  • tori

    good answer. Single is a way of life chosen by some. And I believe it is very liberating.

  • Nia

    This article really touch me in so many ways . I use to be just like you in form of being in a relationship. As my life progress i wish to find that perfect guy, but until then i will continue to enjoy my life being songle

  • Jennister

    I’ve been in long term relationships and single for years in between. I’m 40 and been divorced for a year and a half now. I’m really good and being single or in a relationship but I make the most progress becoming a better person while single. I think people are inately single or couple oriented and nothing wrong with either… If you are in a healthy couple. I prefer being a couple and feel our intimate relationships are why we are here on earth. But I’m not looking for it and my standards are so much higher now more in line with how I feel about myself that I will be surprised to meet someone . Occasional loneliness is just part of it… The same as wanting to be alone at times when you are partnered up. I’m happy to be single while excited to meet the man that will challenge me in all the right ways.

  • Social Justice Butterfly

    Excellent and uplifting article! Thanks for sharing. As my counselor would say, don’t just read-apply. Thanks again. And good luck.

  • I love the metaphors that one has to pass through the storm before they see the rainbow. Looking at and researching the deeper meanings of life,relationships,and including the most important relationship of all,the compassion for the self,is a very intelligent and positive way to move forward once a relationship has ended. Food for positive though is what is required,around this time,to gain security in insecurity. We are community people and we do need people around us, but to survive in a love that does not hurt,you need to ?now your self,and love yourself,so you know your boundaries,and so you can handle disappointments. I got 5 children ranging from 18 to twins who are 17 months. The removal truck is coming in the morning,as im going back home,1000klm away. Yes the relationship got resentful on both sides,and its not a life to walk on egg shells,even though we still love each other to bits. Got to let go,even when its painful,cause one needs to kwep compassionate to self and others,and if the relationship takes the core value from you,its time to reassess,!nd or seperate. Ive found in my life ive had 2 10 year relationships,one 5 yr one,and one 4 year one,that ive learnt about life,and self through loving,but at the expense of pain,and ive learnt much single,without the pain as being in a relationship. So now its time to get a grip on my self,and count on me,to pull me and my children through this difficult time,once i do,it will be easy being single. I will miss the great love making,but that energy will go into my own growth. Ive done a master degree single,and loved it: I’m 40 and I’ve found compassion for self,so i need to think of me not him,and love my self more now,he took almost my dignity,I thought he was the one,so you can imagine the shock,especially having little twins to him,but I wont stay,because i found love for me. Maybe i will start another course,or write that book. im glad i loved,but i know being single is going to be full of witnessing my own potential without the judgement or expectation of the other. Omshanty.


    well done! my problems are gone My woman came back last night, i thought it’s a joke she came to say good bye to me ,then i waited ,suddenly i saw preparing food,bed and hide under branket, i couldn’t believe any thing i see, i decide to sleep at the gouge to see what happens next ,only see her come and slow her self on me start kissing and then i realize you are the true healer, its now 2 weeks since she came home ,but doc my sex life has gone down i don’t know why , i want to come and order for that medicine. i will phone you later today! i appreciate your services, be there for us please. thanks you to,

  • Kevin

    i wish all this people that feel this way , that made comments to this article , we could create a nice party ,get together , celebrate and become all good friends and enjoy life as it is.

  • Absolutely

    i will certainly admit that i hate so much being single, and after being married for 15 years it hurts. i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to my wife, but it wasn’t good enough for her. many women nowadays just can’t stay with only one man anymore like they did years ago, and they were very committed too. today so many women just can’t accept a man for who he is, and want the rich man instead. where are the women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed today? many men like us do certainly wish that we could have women like that around again.

  • jessy

    I’m a newly single for two months now. I really see me for me and the things I can accomplish. I’m 33 and a single mom, and I have been in and out of relationships for the last 13 years. I did notice that every time I was not in a relationship, I was and became a better person. Relationships made me dislike a lot things about myself and stop me from achieving things I wanted out of life, I felt I was always sacrificing without getting back….I was cheating myself, and for what. Now that I’m back on my own two feet, I don’t ever want what I feel now to go away. I’m happy.

  • amishaaan

    i am so much thankful to you for posting this article. i am dealing with a break up and what do i say except in simple terms that it is very painful. i somehow manage through the day but as night approches, i panic. i just am not able to feel normal in weeks. it is tough. very tough. it is comforting to learn that we have strong women around the globe who can manage themselves on their own and are very happy doing so. i was one such woman four years back. i have lost myself somewhere but i know i will pull this through. yes it will take time and effort.

    i also want to extend gratitude to all those women who have posted their comments. i read each one of them (believe me) and you all made me feel safe and calm at least for sometime. i hope to come back to this page again as and when i panic and feel hopeless to realize that so many of us have been through this phase and now they are enjoying their company best.
    loads of hugs and love to u all. god bless!

  • Sarah

    I needed this

  • Nectar33

    I would love to talk to you about this Jules as I really felt like your words were a great epiphany for me! Is there a way we could email to discuss this more? 🙂

  • Crazy Alone

    I’m 20 years old. just got out of a horrible relationship but I fall down every time when I think about him with his new girlfriend. I have spurts where I am such a strong independent person, working hard and going to school then moments when I am hopeless and has no one to help me. I always feel like i’m always running back to him, calling him and begging him to come back and we can work on everything when I know it’s not possible anymore. I wish I have the strength to forget him and remember what he’s done but the happy memories always rush back. All the ideal future we both planned keeps invading my mind and suffocates me every time. I just want to move on, be happy being single and know that patience is a virtue, I will find someone who loves me and treats me the best as how I treat and love them. I don’t want to be second to anything anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing with myself now. I’m not sure…. I just want to be strong and say it’s okay and I’m happy for him. But i secretly hope he comes back, hoping his relationship fails when I know that she’s perfect for him…. What do I do? I can’t reflect and focus on myself when it’s so difficult.

  • This article was just what I was looking for, thank you! I am just now on the journey to loving myself, and part of that process has been realizing I feel quite “worthless” without being in a relationship. With this awareness I can now change this, and your words have helped.

  • Mary

    I hate being single. I miss my children. Being single is SO much more work. There is no coming home to have dinner with anyone. You have to get dressed and go out to have any companionship. It takes planning and having a schedule to make sure your other single friends are around that night to hang out with. Sorry, but this is not for me.

  • Mary

    The women I know that love being single are actually inside very lonely. We all went out the other night and they are tired of their careers, they miss their kids, they are fearful of getting hurt again so they avoid men. They truly are not happy being single.

  • Mary

    AND I like myself just fine. I work alone all day..come home and am alone. Being in a relationship with a family is better.

  • Mary

    Tell the woman that her husband just died how great it is being single.

  • Mary

    There is nothing wrong with prefering to be in a relationship.

  • kateb

    Mary, there is nothing wrong with preferring to be in a relationship. Just don’t prefer it so much that you end up in one that makes you more lonely than being on your own. This article is not telling everyone to go out and be single, it is just showing why you should not be afraid of that.

  • Dealing with Breakup Depressi

    Thanks for sharing this post for living happy being single , after the breakup is very difficult to live single very hard to forget some one specila.

    Dealing with Breakup Depression

  • Waseem

    Wow awesome that’s really give a peace of mind!!!

  • kboffuss

    I’m 47 and I’ve never been married although I have been in a few wonderful, relationships. Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure. But the loneliness I feel because I’m single vs. the loneliness I felt when I couldn’t connect with the man sitting right next me is a MUCH lonelier, sad place to be. I recently met someone and we seem to connect on so many levels and I’m happy to think that my years of waiting has paid off! Either way, I will always choose to be single vs being with someone for the sake of being with someone, for that’s the type loneliness that hurts me to my core.

  • Tigger

    When I was in a relationship I had ‘together pain’. I felt like I was kind of drowning in someone else. Now I am single I have ‘lonely pain’. I don’t think you can avoid the pain at all. It’s part of life. Buddha said… Life is Suffering. It’s actually the first thing they teach you when you want to become a Buddhist. The pain of everyday life is called Dukkha.
    The only way to combat the awkwardness of this pain is Love. You can do this by yourself or with someone else. The good thing about being able to do it yourself is that it’s a lot less messy. You can sit down anytime you want, on your most comfortable chair, and do meditation… making friends with yourself and taking time just to love YOU.
    It’s something that single people need to learn how to do I think… sit down and meditate. Reconnect with yourself at least 30 minutes a day. Make time for it. Put it on your schedule. Sit down and Love yourself for a few minutes and just enjoy being a human being. Open your secret treasure chest you don’t show anyone and be with yourself in blis and joy.
    Turn, turn, turn…
    I tried being in a relationship after I found myself and my bliss. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I was addicted to my bliss and I felt that being with another person would feel like an intruder into my private haven. I know I will someday though and that is cool too. That AMAZING person will come into my life and I will experience all the joy I did with myself by sharing it with another person.

    But for now… I have created a space in my life that is utterly blissful and peaceful and full of Love. For now I am being selfish and keeping it secret. But I know someday the floodgates will open and all that love will be shared with someone who truly appreciates me. And someone that I can respect and truly appreciate back.
    Thank you for this amazing thread. It was a pleasure reading all your stories. It resonates with me and makes me feel like I am part of a special club. 🙂

  • j

    I am 32. Not too sure if I am going to be single soon- but I ended a close to 10-year relationship, started on a new one, and it looks like I am gg to be single again v soon. It scares the hel out of me

  • Gaby

    Honestly…I really really needed to see this. My ex broke up with me about 9 months ago and it truly broke (shattered) my heart. I felt depressed and alone. Then there was a time where I would blame myself and think there was something wrong with me. Some days I’m fine but others I feel empty and lost. I found this article and it makes me feel at ease. There are far worse things than being single and this is a time to just find myself. I started hanging out with some people and partying and drinking but it made me feel empty. So, I’ve realized that this was my wake up call. I need to focus on me, do more things for myself, and do more things I love. Whoever is meant for me will eventually find their way into my life. I’m done trying so hard to make an effort but not given enough in return. Being single isn’t so bad. Thank you so much for this

  • Nathanael Jones

    I’ve been unintentionally single for all but one month of my 28 years of life. It’s interesting to read an account of someone who comes out of long term relationships to say “Ah! Now I am free to spend time with myself!”. From my point of view, it’s overrated. I have picked up maybe a hundred hobbies to distract myself. I’ve gotten very good at talking, and even arguing with myself, to the point where I had to stop us from using ‘we’ to talk about myself just now ;-P (just kidding)
    My point is that one can spend too much time with yourself. It’s like the Dido song says “I’m so lonely I don’t want to even be with myself anymore.” Although as long as I am alive I still have a chance to find a wife, as time moves on I feel more eccentric and distant. I probably stink of desperation, and I don’t know how romantic relationships start. I feel like I’m putting a dollar into a vending machine, and not being able to have it recognized no matter what I do to that dollar bill. That’s how frustrating it is, but life marches on. So I will be what I must be and face tomorrow as always.

    I want to thank everyone for their comments posted to this article, they have been interesting and comforting to read.

  • A

    I think everyone’s perspective has been informative.

    I am also about to turn 31 so what you have said resonates beautifully with me. That being said I am happily myself with or without someone. I chose to leave relationships or dates and people have chosen to part ways with me. I think at any point in our lives we can discover and learn who we are and need to become. Yes I miss companionship but I have that in other forms. If someone choses to walk with me in this I’ll be grateful to accompany them – if not: I choose to live well and treat others well.

  • HowRight55

    well for a straight man like me that was married at one time before my wife of 15 years cheated on me which i was a very good caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well, and now going out all over again and dealing with the games that many women are playing sure does make it very difficult meeting a good one now. women are so much more nastier to meet these days, and trying to start a conversation with the one that i would really like to meet is very hard since many of them just don’t want to be bothered at all. and being single and alone certainly sucks for me now.

  • rose

    thanks for sharing this, really inspiring for me…same with you i’m also 31 and single again… learning to discover again myself, my wants and goals in life…. trying to get back on my own, I know I can do this! I can find own happiness and meaning in life. 🙂

  • Nicole

    Number 7….what if you don’t have a close sibling or a parent who will listen? What if your friends are spread out all over the state or country and you feel like you’re doing it all on your own? And what if when you try to reach out to the few friends you do have, they seem annoyed by your sorrow…

    I am going through a very difficult time; a bad breakup, unemployment, uncertainty…and I feel so alone. I wish I had more friends and family around me for those really tough days. It’s not easy. No, I don’t need to be in a relationship..but where’s the fun in life without any people to share it with? Friends or family? I feel so alone. It sucks.

  • The Known Truth

    i wonder how many people are really happily single out there?, and i want very much to meet a good woman in my life to share with instead of being very much alone. I really feel that God blesses so many men and women to have met one another to have a life with a family, but punishes us innocent people that would want very much the same thing. why should certain people be blessed but not us? what did we ever do wrong to begin with? God should not create people to be born if they weren’t meant to have a love life and to be all alone, especially looking at the ones that were very blessed to have a life. loneliness is like having a disease or cancer, the way i feel. then again with so many rotten women that God created today, finding a real good one is very hard nowadays especially with so many Gay Women now that we have out there.

  • youcouldbeme

    Wow, I could have written this blog post. Such similar experiences. About turn 31. Was engaged to my first partner of 7 and half years, it ended because of cheating. Second relationship which I went into way to soon lasted 3 years and ended because of distance ( and because by this point I was an anxious wreck). Frightening to be single for pretty much the first time in your adult life, at this age, when so many of my peers are happily settled. Thank you for your positive post!

  • Amy

    you posted this 3 months ago…but i know exactly how you feel. it is hard!!

  • Kasey

    wow, this post sounds like me! It was very helpful to read, thank you. I was also the one to break it up after a 3 year commitment. I found him always choosing his friends over me, but for the sake of “not being alone” i would choose to stay. I thought i had no friends beside him and at some points i would even put myself down because of how he would treat me. I cried over him more than any other thing in life. I now see that i DO have a lot of friends and a very supportive family. I am still young (21) so i am considering myself very lucky for not staying with this guy any longer. I want to focus on being ME for a few years.

  • Kasey

    I felt this way too. But i ask myself “was he really your best friend?”

  • fred hill

    thank you for this article.

  • moham

    There are definitely trade offs. As a single person, you are enabled to focus on inner wellness, health and philosophical idealogies..
    Contrary to the widely accepted truth however, it is better to have never loved at all, rather to have loved and lost.

  • Joe

    Excellent. I enjoy being single. The more I develop myself and become awesome, the better I will be when I meet my soul mate. Improving with age… And even if my true soul mate was hit by a bus when I was 4 years old and I will never meet her, that’s OK. I will still enjoy life.

  • Ken

    Being single is one of the worst thing that could ever happen, especially after a divorce or losing a loved one after so many years.

  • Seashell

    Being single is not a struggle. Yes, you miss the intimacy every night as you sleep in your bed alone. You crave to be kissed and rubbed against and having someone who will wake up with you and tell you that they truly understand you at three in the morning. It is hard to cut off from all of that and almost a year later, my mind still retraces memories and aches for his hands. But being single is not a struggle and I get frustrated when people refer to it as that. It makes me feel like it’s okay for me to struggle and that I need to look at my situation as a sort of steps to get over things. I’m not a slave to being single. I’m a slave to the memories I have to continuously push away but I do not serve the single life. And maybe that’s because I’ve been single before and it was those times in my life that I formed the best friendships. Or maybe it’s simply because my parents taught me how to stand alone and to believe in myself. It’s harsh and it’s cold but it is what I think everyone needs to hear: At the end of the day, all you really have is yourself. So you must start building that belief. I remember the most loving nights I would spend with my boyfriend, I would still roll over on my side and still tell myself to believe in myself.
    I love being in relationships but I don’t believe that they are everything. I don’t even believe that they are half of everything. From what I have experienced and seen, our society puts way too much emphasis on relationships. My friend, when she was in high school, was in her first emotionally abusive relationship. She was only 15. After she ended it, she went on to have several other boyfriends before we graduated. Hardly taking time to come up for air in between. Starting college she decided to be single for the first time. It lasted for four months until she met someone. They have been together for the past two years and she has told me she wants to get married. I hear her console our other friend who hasn’t had a boyfriend yet, “oh don’t worry, it will happen when the time is right.” That statement might be true but over time, it sounds patronizing. Like somehow my friend who has had numerous boyfriends somehow thinks she is better. But I always feel this sharp pain for her. I am who I am today because I have gone through and experienced almost my whole life without a partner. I am strong and as fearless as I am because I haven’t had a hand to hold. I think there is so much you learn from standing alone and believing in yourself. Priceless stuff. My friend has never felt this and I’m afraid she never will.
    Believe me, I miss my relationships but I see the beauty in myself and know what I can achieve on my own. We need to stop thinking that being single is a struggle and see it as a release of light into our lives. Feel sad and mourn but then go do the things you’ve been wanting to do. Preach it to your friends.

  • Lachunda Nealy

    Well I completely disagree there is absolutely nothing good about being single I am now divorced 2 years ago and I would rather still be married then be alone!

  • Tony Monopoly

    i dissagree it sounds you had enough time to feel loved. this is why its easier for you to love yourself. most people who say love yourself first are people that have been loved first. i hate people like you who pretend to know how to deal with loneliness. i bet you was married for a long time. the problem i see with people is they really need to love others and stop loving only themselves. it makes you selfish. you love yourself simply due to the wonderful life you been handed from being loved. if youre loved for a long enough time eventually nothing negative will bother you. this is what most of you live by. you never knew what its like truly being alone in the absence of romance from a significant other.

  • M.J

    love this.

  • Prophett Mohamad

    Tony, you’re obviously afraid to be alone. Being single means not having to cater to anyone, no arguments…living life to its fullest.

  • Prophett Mohamad

    @Laundry, you are a leecher. You would rather be married or have someone take care of you instead of facing the world by yourself. Epic failure. Keep your legs closed and stop overpopulating.

  • Frost

    The only part that sucks for me about being single, is most of my friends are married or getting married,and don’t seem to have anymore time for you. While the very few single friends I have are boring and don’t want to do anything. Oh and sexless life really does suck too.

  • misty

    hopefully, ill be able to feel and share same advice to others. as right now im still half way to healing myself. thanks wonderful post

  • my thoughts

    I am single at 28 and have never had a boyfriend in my life. Not even a kiss or held hands. Never had sex. I have known men and even spent time alone with them. But it was only ever one time with each person (4 different people). I don’t know what a date is anymore these days. We never said the word date and it was always during the day and very casual playing video games or getting coffee.
    There are many reasons why I am single and I have gone through many phases about it. I did not want to date in high school just had no interest. When I was ready boys were not interested! When they were finally interested they were blatant jerks or it just fizzled at the talking phase. I am shy and not flirty which makes me seem unavailable even when I am. My race has played a factor in my dating life. I have felt despair at never having been touched, I have felt superior at never having the drama, I have felt wise at seeing the reality of what a relationship is, what settling is, and watching people be so fake and going through the motions with a total stranger. I have felt sad at not having children with a loving male partner because my options now are to have a baby with a gay couple or adopt. Mostly I would like to experience a nice formal date (cliche I know) or a kiss even if just once.
    What makes me depressed is that I truly believe there is no such thing as love because I have never seen a true love relationship where both people are respectable humans (well the Obamas, I guess). On person is always a jerk or a leech even if they think they are in love. The most horrible, mean people I have ever know ran off and got engaged to some random person within months just to validate themselves. I believe that there is no such thing as a good man the way women want because I think men are not meant for monogamy and that’s ok but society puts so much pressure on an arrangement that is not natural for humans. I believe that all relationships will end so yet people enter into them with delusion.
    I just hate how other women treat me like I am a nobody because I don’t have a man. I hate how they treat me like some beta female. They use me because I have the time since you know, I am childless. They talk down to me because they know I don’t have male protection. They act like b!tches knowing their man will always back them up. Knowing someone will always be in their corner while I am on my own. I want people to leave me alone.

  • my thoughts

    I cry too when I’m horny! Totally. I love being single I just want to be felt up every now and then RESPONSIBLY. Anyone can be an idiot and get laid. I just get so annoyed with the standards of beauty we are held to. I have not waxed my…wait for it….neck, stomach, arms, legs, pits, tits, or crotch in years. Looking for a frisky friend that does not mind.
    But I never want to be married and I want other WOMEN to stop judging me as selfish or perverted or horrible for being single. I would like kids though via adoption or with a gay couple. I have worked with kids my whole life and would like to show them the world and cook for them lol.

  • you don’t get it

    all Tony is saying is that it is easier to be all ‘Being single means not having to cater to anyone, no arguments…living life to its fullest.’ if you have had options before and will have options later. If you have been single your whole life and have never had sex before or a date or a kiss you would like to experience those things eventually. It is easier to say all this advice about being single because you have seen the other side and know what it is like. You know you will probably have another partner again and can easily enjoy your ‘me’ time. A person with no options has anxiety about ‘me’ time never ending and it turns to isolation. Being in between relationships is different than being say a 45 year old childless unmarried virgin.

  • Leann

    Thank you for this, you have no clue what your post did for me.

  • Anonymous

    I’m 37 and have always been single.

  • MeMi

    Thank you for this article. I found it during a weak moment where I too was moaning my single status. Thanks!

  • Nee

    Your quote about passing the storm to see the rainbow, true. Another perspective: “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it is about learning to dance in the rain.” I like to think that while dancing, we see a rainbow in each drop of rain.

  • eagle

    You sounds like me

  • chris cunningham

    At 53 I prefer being single as it is easier than being in a relationship. Despite enjoying sex, I find that the main thing I want is good companionship and fair terms, and this is found through friendship. Guess I prefer being independent, and after dating for several years and feeling shocked by the push for sex with virtual strangers with whom i had little in common it seems easier being single. I really do not understand those who say they get horny as if that was the main connection they miss. For me the companionship and shared activities mattered most with the sex as the icing on the cake. Being single to me equates with minimal stress even if it does incur some lonely patches I much prefer it to suffering through a bad or unhealthy relationship with a heavy drinker, user or abuser. Unfortunately with age many people have been burnt by previous relationships and seem to take their anger or disappointment out on the new partner. Goes both ways. May be safer to be single or be very very careful.

  • bink

    This post was awesome! Thank you. I have been single only a short time and it has been difficult. However, I do not hold a grudge against any of my exes. In fact, I just asked one of my exes to be just friends and she accepted. I guess I am a type of person who is open minded and am willing to forgive and still have a love for her.
    Anyway, this was very positive for me and gives me a better look at life now. Being single so far has not been so bad, but at times I do reflect what it was like to have someone in my life. I guess I never give up looking and I am always open to other cultures and interesting people. However, like the post says, as a newbie single person…I have a lot to learn.

  • Sam

    Im only in my early twenties but i found myself obsessed with relationships. I can’t be alone. It is only now after being ‘dumped’ by a man i thought really loved me that I can see its me who needs to change. to be alone.

    Thank you so much for this message. It has reaffirmed what I’m working for… a happy and single me.

  • jing1eheimer

    There are good times and bad times in marriage and in singleness. Marriage is not the answer to all life’s problems. Been there for eight years. It can be bliss at times and a frustrating hell at others. It is nothing to give up on, however, when a person is dropped by another individual, it helps to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was served the papers. Basically being married is about two single people working together as a loving team, and trying to be selfless for the love of the other person. Putting aside self is constant work. It is worth it. When selfishness takes over,however, it ruins everything. In the end, and in reality, the two who make up a marriage are still separate beings with needs, and marriage is just a tool to meet the selfish emotional, mental, and physical needs of two people. Everyone is born alone and they die alone. Harsh fact
    to reality- we are self centered beings with an unending self righteous, self centered perspective, and we cannot help ourselves in our sins and greed. Marriage is just a means to an end. Nothing lasts forever. For those forced into singleness, why not embrace the lives we are dealt? Forcing a relationship and marriage never ends well. Trust me.

  • Di

    After hearing that depression befalls singletons, it scared me. But reading this brings me light and hopefully one day, a rainbow

  • L

    You probably have no idea of the impact of your words! Thank you for making me feel comfort xxx

  • wax

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  • Eddie Lugo Saez

    I am happy being single and lonely. I am an introverted. Finally, 4 months ago, I was in my first relationship ever. It was amazing being able to cuddle, hugs, kiss, etc. I was just attracted to her rather than being in love. After 2-3 weeks, I started to get depressed and she started to change. I was depressed and acted all boring. I forgot to mention she has a daughter. That’s the reason why I got depressed and all that. I couldn’t handle the “package deals” When we broke up, I was a little hurt because I was mean at her and I didn’t mean to. After 2-3 days, I got better and started being happy! I love being alone and I don’t want a relationship at all.

  • Veganlady

    I agree!!!!

  • Monica Trevino

    Heres my comment I just broke up with a violent mand 1 yr ago before that I had a boyfriend for 8 yrs he was an alcoholic and full of anger I am staying single for now because I don’t want worse im taking my time this time and being around family and im in the healing process and I choose to live like that. I have learned from them and I have moved on .

  • Absolutely Right

    As a man looking for a Good Woman to settle down with, i certainly agree with you 100 Percent. Being Alone certainly sucks today.

  • audrey

    best advice yet. I was feeling very sorry for myself but this has made me change my thinking. My expectation of others has been a source of much sadness and frustration – the expectation that others will fix things for you is a dangerous path to tread. I hope I will not be single forever but am starting today with a fresh outlook and a new optimism thanks to your posts.

  • GlobalNomad

    are u still single and available?

  • Hawk

    Being single is actually better, you can only be happy if you are single. You talk like being single is a negative thing.

  • Hawk

    Being single is actually better, you will only be happy if you are single. You talk like being single is a negative thing.

  • Hawk

    You have to actually post a guide in how to be happy while in a relationship

  • Hawk

    Being single is happiness, relationship is suffering

  • Megan

    all the sayings are so true yet so great. being single is the best.

  • Jen from South Africa

    Right now everyone close to me is in a serious relationship or getting married. Quite frankly, it scared me. Made me feel I couldnt stand to be on my own. I still have to face those feelings everyday.

    But I am confident that when the time is right, it will happen. In the meantime, I have so many exciting things to do and a lot of room to grow as a person.

    Thank you for firming my resolve to keep my chin up!

  • Julie V

    The hardest thing Ive found about being truly single is not on here. No Sex. And Im not interested in one night stands or ‘friends’. You cannot replace human sexual intimacy, comfortable loving intense sex. You can get off, but its not the same. All the other stuff is great, but missing and craving that, can not go away for someone who really loves sex. No matter how many positives others can find in being single, I absolutely hate it because of this. Its a constant balance of trying to wait for what I deserve and want in terms of a relationship (a good guy who treats me with respect), but almost willing to lower my standards because I just need sex. FML.

  • Cinthia

    My boyfriend for 5 years just broke up with me. I feel like someone died. I’m confused as if I’m scared to be alone or just without him, all I’ve known for the past 5 years is him. We Made plans for the future even gave our non existent children. It is so hard looking at an empty future and all my friends say he will Come to his senses but what am I supposed to do? Wait? I’m so confused 🙁

  • Julz

    I’ve been single for 5 years now. I follow my dreams, challenge my comfort zones. Right now I am in Bali for three months, I’ve learned to ride a scooter, I’m planning to learn to surf. I’m working on my own business, trying to create an income for myself. I’m ok with me and myself. I’d like to share this life with someone but there just seems to be no sign of him. I go up and down. Sometimes I’m secure and I’m sure things are the way they are meant to be and he’s coming. Other times I’m desperate and I question whether part of my story is that she never met somebody to be with. Sure, there are friends and family so I am not truly alone in my life. I have them as a safety net in tough times. But friends aren’t lovers or partners, they are friends. There are only so many favours you can ask of your friends and you can’t snuggle up with them and be horizontal. You can’t always get what you want, right. Surely being single is not what I need though?

  • Silvana Jaffe

    I was married, got divorced, dated and found I’m so happy by myself!!! I have gain new interests, new friends, travel the world and fall in love with me. Next time I date I’m sure my significant other will love this new version of me compared to my older version (defined by relationships).

    Life is wonderful, the world can be yours …. Is about stop feeling sorry for yourself, go out do scary things you never thought you could do, laugh, enjoy solitude. So when you do find the one you are with that person bc life just gets much much better. Not to fill gaps you didn’t know you had.

  • Hi @Valerie. I’m sorry to pry, but your post was 3 years ago. What is the status of your relationship now?

  • Bridgitt Lee

    True, people look down on it, but you can do so much when your single, workout, travel, have friends, have hobbies ,and don’t have to ask someone else for permission to do what you want, and you don’t have to put up with crap. You can focus on yourself, and not be tied down by what society thinks you should want.

  • Amanda Richards

    I let everything go when my last relationship ended. I HAD to get sick of slumming to start to do different. I would litterally lay in bed everyday wondering when why nothing was getting any better. No hair appts, to gym, no shopping, no cleaning, just the basic survival east sleep shower, $#!+, & pull my 8hr shifts. Very slowly I began to move these pieces around. Volunteer. Read. Spend more time with family & catching up with old friends. I think I know myself better today for it. It’ll be a year in March since I was inlove with a guy, & a year in July since ive been single (poor rebound guy). These few months have been great & I am focused on growing more into myself by the time ive reached my one year mark. Its so hard for me not to want to chase love but ive gotta do this for me. I dont think ive ever done anything this important for myself before.

  • syl

    hopefully, i can feel the same way that you are feeling someday…im 30 years old and still couldn’t get over a guy even if he was a complete asshole to me..whatever the future will be, i wish i can be happy and content just like you..

  • William Wallis

    Buddha was peaceful, but didn’t know happiness.

  • Krisz

    Amen! People spoon feeding me this “single is the best” is making me gag. I hate being alone, though probably haven’t experienced it to a degree some people have here. But, there is hope.

  • Snowflake of the Month

    Dude, leave lesbians alone please. You’re the same guy who posts under the name Truth on every website about lesbians known to man. A quick Google will reveal that to everybody who decides to check.

    Please heal, refocus onto the many heterosexual women available to you, and leave. us. alone. White light to you.

    Thank you.

  • Snowflake of the Month

    And it’s Truth again, under a different user name.

    It’d help if you varied up your sentences a little. You always use the same phrases on your posts online. And you sure love calling gay women “nasty”.

    Quite the prize aren’t you, “Truth”. No wonder no woman wants you.

  • Snowflake of the Month

    That is a great song 🙂

  • Snowflake of the Month

    June Cleaver was a fictional character in a 1950’s television series, portrayed by actress Barbara Billingsley. She was not real. Donna Reed was an actress. Both women spoke lines prepared for them by male screenwriters. They seldom spoke or behaved publicly without the script close at hand. Is this Stepford depiction of women what you really want? You’re pathological and post hate screeds about our gender all over the internet under the names Truth, Absolutely, Absolutely Right, Too Right, and so on, so one could I guess imagine so. But here is the truth, “Truth”:

    If you’re seriously looking for a 1950’s TV character to serve as the model for your future wife, you’re not in touch with reality, you are in a lot of emotional trouble, and you are going to cause some unsuspecting woman even more trouble someday.

    Women could just as easily ask where the men are like Ward Cleaver and John Wayne, couldn’t they? After all, would Ward or John sit all day and night on the internet, typing homophobic essays filled with loathing for gay women and contempt and violence towards heterosexual women, then consider themselves “men”? Worth of women?

    The answer to this is no. You know the rest of the answers.

    Your soul needs healing.

  • Ron

    I’m 52 years old and I stopped dating back in 2005 . I learned that being single is where it’s at . No headaches , no drama and all the hookers and booze I can handle .

  • Patlmt

    Hi Tony ! I really need it to hear this ! I’m going to enjoy my single life ! Thanks !!

  • Patlmt

    Sorry ,thank jing1eheimer!!

  • SingleNewbie

    I just love love love this article! Exactly what I needed to read, so very relevant to my current situation- single for the first time in 11yrs. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I’m still learning about singlehood and while it can have very lonely moments, it truly is a time for some deep introspection. The last thing I’d want to do now is replace him with another man. I want to use this time to heal, grow and connect with myself with no distraction or someone else to drain my energy. For once in my life, it’s ALL about me and while that doesn’t come naturally for me, I’m forcing the focus onto my needs. They say the most fundamental changes happen when we are at our lowest points, when the real stuff starts to shift. I’m open to it.

  • Dani

    Be the change you want to see in the world or be the change you want to see in yourself . . .

  • tatzky

    i am going to enjoy my single life!!! love this blog…

  • JR

    I think being single and ‘finding yourself’ is necessary for some because they did not have an opportunity to understand their own assets, flaws, likes, or dislikes. Psychologically, If you understand yourself then you are better able to enter into relationships. As Polonius in Hamlet states, “To thine own self be true” meaning you need to look after and understand self before you can do the same for others. The author in this post discusses a series of self-discovery mechanisms she used to arrive at understanding herself and what makes her happy and content. My opinion on this is great – but if you already know yourself it does not necessarily follow you need these things to understand what it takes for you to be content. I could also argue that some of these things could be construed as narcissistic and detrimental for a future relationship. The danger I see in focusing on these items too narrowly is you could end up not knowing how to be in a relationship. Humans are social animals and we are genetically and anthropologically programmed to be in social settings and in relationships. Getting too wrapped (I argue for balance) in ‘self’ and ‘self-contentedness’ is we become feral and incapable of stable relationships.

  • alyssa

    I just got my heart severely broken and I have never been single. This is all new to me and I am completely lost. Its been 3 weeks and I cant stop thinking. Im getting sick. I feel lost.

  • Michael

    Hi Bridgett. I feel that being in a relationship is about having a companion, not about asking permission. I support there’s a real difference between “Is it okay with you…” and “I’m signing up…, would you like to do that with me?”

  • scoob88

    There is slot of sites to look at for sex. Just be smart and safe

  • Ainikki

    YES! Finally, another understands. I have been this way my entire life. I have great friendships and I love my family, but I feel absolutely no need to date-chase, and I’ll almost certainly never marry. Singlehood is amazing. I get so much done and have so much control over my own life. I don’t begrudge others their romantic partnerships, mind, but I wouldn’t mind if people stopped giving me such a hard time for being single!

  • J.J.

    It has been 3 months since we split. And let me tell you the first 2 months really sucked. I was the one who broke it off with her. But I loved her like crazy. But being older 42 I have found out you need a lot more than love to make it work. I have not seen anyone since the break up. I needed to heal. And I really don’t know how long it will take. I just want be happy single before I jump into something else.

  • Kell

    Thank you sharing this story. Loneliness and being alone isn’t just a choice. We are wired to seek social and mates. Some people, who have a lot of experience NOT being alone, have a harder time. The story above is almost identical to mine. I was in a 7yr relationship that grew apart (overseas for work). I took a break, asked HIM what I should change, worked on myself and really hard and tried and succeeded on not repeating the mistakes in the last relationship. All that work I feel was wasted on my poor choice of person. I am devastated about being cheated on. I was engaged to him too. I feel like I gave him my best love and now I’m left with bitterness/regret. I am trying to more forward and NOT seek a rebound so I can be okay alone. Attachment = Suffering. I have taken care of children, pets, terminally ill siblings and good and bad boyfriends for 20 years. I have defined myself by being with someone or taking care of someone. My few friends, great people, however have young children now and my son went off to college (empty nest too). So now what? I feel like I am starting from birth..or 18. I feel immature because I don’t know who I am or what I really want and I’m not 18. I didn’t do the things “I liked” in my 20s because I was busy working and taking care of kid/people. Do I start attending concerts and vacationing alone? Really…and since I am late 30’s how do I not feel like a creeper saying hi and trying to meet people (couples). Wives, usually don’t like that. I get to pay the extra travel fee because I am alone too. I love to surf, I am a beginner…you DO NOT go out alone or take classes with kids alone (creeper). Maybe I am negative…no I am. I have tried meet-up groups and saying “you just want friends” on a dating site=something else. There are not any articles that address being a YOUNG empty nest and single. Psychology 101-people will find there familiar or comfortable place. Safety is a basic and primal need and we’re inclined to be social to meet that need.

  • PK

    This was great , very helpful

  • Lynette Green

    I needed that Tony…Today I decided to let go of a 3 year relationship. My partner was emotionally and verbally abusive. Just about everything that I did he found wrong in…and it was so easy for him to break up with me behind any little thing… I’ve been on a emotional roller the entire relationship. I don’t want to move on because I don’t want to keep starting over…but I believe in love and marriage and loyalty. ..I’m a good woman…I think that I just love too hard and give too much…Anyway…this is day one for me…Will keep you guys posted…

  • Lynette Green

    Forcing someone to love you doesn’t work. I’m learning to let go and let God…

  • BeingSoHonest

    It it very sad that there are many of us good single men that really wanted to get married to have a family which it is very hard to meet a good woman to settle down with now since many women today are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, and very spoiled which makes it very difficult for us.

  • The Known Truth

    Well many of us men which i do speak for others too are very upset when we have a woman Curse at us when we will try to start a conversation with them, and i had this happen to me. And why would a woman Curse at us if we are trying to start a conversation with her?, and i had friends of mine that had this happened to them as well. That is Not nice at all for women to Curse at us like that, and it is bad enough that being single and alone is enough punishment for us as it is since meeting a good woman to settle down with is very hard today for many of us men. I was married at one time and i was a very happy person that was very committed to her which i was a very caring and loving husband at the time thinking that i finally met a good woman to settle down with to have a family, but she Cheated on me which really hurt me a lot. Now still single and alone is certainly no fun at all for many of us, especially for me. I guess it is true that God blesses so many others with a love life, and Punishes many of us that wanted it so much especially when i see my aunt and uncle that just celebrated their 67th year together which it certainly was meant to be for them. Well thank you very much for your support, Peace.

  • jhormy

    i feel you @lynette_green:disqus …hopefully those ppl who hurt us wont feel the same way they did on us…today i also decided to let go of my 11 yrs relationship..

  • Tony Lu

    I have been single for all thirty one years of my existence. It gets depressing after a while even with family to spend time with. Especially seeing other people happily married, starting families, going out and having fun together. If I had a little bit of money to go out and have a little fun or travel, or I were fulfilled in my career or if I had a few friends to spend time with or something maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately I don’t. Its work (one of those lonely night jobs by the way) and home for me. Which kind of means spending a lot of time in my puddle of self pity and depression. Hopefully this will change soon.

  • Lauren Marie

    This is exactly what I needed to read after my breakup. Thank you!

  • Rainbowbutterfly80

    I’m 35 years old and want a relationship with myself, in my twenties I went from one relationship to another, but now I’ve stopped looking, dating and everything to focus on me. I still feel shame when people question me and I wonder is it OK to not be ready? Is it OK to say I want to like and have compassionate for me first. I’m working on being my own best friend when I realised I’m horrible to mysekf, a deep sadness came over me and that’s why I attracted men who did the same and abused me. I like being alone, I like it there I said it I can focus on my inner journey and healing, I used relationships to avoid myself, now I realise my inner life has been screaming for my attention. I’m not open to relationships though, I’m still to hurt, damaged but the lessons are everywhere, crying out for me to recognise myself and stop rejecting me so I can fit into normal so people feel comfortable.

  • Sommer

    I have just become single after being with someone for 14 years and married for nearly 10. I have two young children and I am finding it particularly hard to adjust to being on my own, especially when all my friends are married and do lots of married people things. Any tips on learning how to embrace for singleness, especially when my children are with their dad. I want to look and feel attractive and happy

  • sakiski

    So this bitch has been fucking until 31 and is complaining about the new found freedom? She should go and get beaten up and see what is truly hell.

  • sakiski

    Ungrateful twat

  • cristina

    Thank u this was beautiful and inspiring. Thank u for your kind words and may u have great success in all u do and accomplish all u set ur mind to. Love

  • HowRight

    Well i really Don’t expect to have a woman Curse at us men when we are trying to start a normal conversation with them which really did happen to me. Is it that normal for a woman to Curse at us like that? I would certainly say Not. And i have friends of mine that had this happened to them as well.So as you can see why it is very hard for us men trying to find a good woman nowadays since many women today are so very sweet and innocent. So i will use the same name How Right which i am Right. What are we suppose to do when we keep meeting the Wrong women all the time?

  • LJ

    I cant tell you how much i can identify with your article. It has opened my eyes, as i am going through a painful breakup. I fear being alone so much that i settle in unhappy relationships… It really feels good to see someone help to confirm i will “be okay” even if i don’t have a significant other in my life for a while!

  • Clumsy Aspie

    Despite all this sounding too cliché/inspirational for me, I’m glad you’ve discovered the beauty of being alone. But I must admit, it does sound a lot like a person pretending they’re not hurt or suffering – sorry but almost like you’re trying to fool yourself into thinking things are good when you feel like shite.

    ‘Normal’ people aren’t built for solitude. You have to learn to live with aloneness. For me and my kind, it’s easy. It’s how we prefer it. I’ve always preferred my own company, even as a kid. I don’t know what it comes down to but there certainly is a special kind of beauty to be found in living a life alone – not lonely.

  • dingding

    Maybe Frost and Eagle can hook up and get some hormones out the system.

  • tobeme

    Almost 11 years with a guy that treats me like garbage. I wish I could find the strength to leave for good. I wish I believed in me…

  • Vanessa

    I was engaged with a man I was ready to give everything up for but to keep it short a week before our weeding he ended it over the phone he didn’t tell me why he hardly told me anything.. We weren’t from the same city so I never rlly ran into him.. Tho I had seen it twice since and he avoided me completely wouldn’t look at me cause he clearly couldn’t face me.. It’s been almost a year now since that day and during this year my teo closest friends got married.. I had lost them also.. but I need to let go after all this time I’m only hurting myself.. Thanks for this it was really helpful and good to read 🙂

  • Rox

    It sucks being single. Especially because I don’t have any friends. So all in all, I feel alone. Sucks.

  • Martina

    I am single since birth, that is 25 years I was never on a date never had a kiss never nothing …I do not believe there is someone out there for me i decided to be single forever. I was in love / i had chrushes ( 5 times in my life ,and if I count celebrity chrushes i had, that is +6 ,so that makes it 11 times that i was in love in my life) i even had inner attraction to someone but it was never mutual . I am so tired of broken heart i think i cant anymore ….so ill be single .

  • J Kim

    You are absolutely right!! I got so many married friends envied me being a single.

  • Honestly

    If i really had that choice, i would certainly prefer to be married with a family of my own for a Good single man like me that is still looking and really hates to be Alone too.

  • halley

    Thank you this post very much. I’m finding myself full of sorrow because of being single…

  • Sunflower

    Thank you! Just moved in by myself and this has soothed my soul.

  • TheRealReasonWhy

    Good men are single because of so many low life loser women today.

  • Elham

    I dont think as human beings we are meant to be single, we need the other sex, and we can’t deny it.
    Yes we can live without, its not a question of can or can’t. Its simply what our bodies and souls need. The amazing connection, the company as we grow old, the memories that we create together, the understanding and sharing that make life sweeter…
    I’m sorry, but even if im single now, i do long for someone. my bed feels empty, and my heart keeps looking.
    So more articles on how to survive being single, rather than how to live single will definitely be more useful in my opinion.

  • Godzilla

    As a Christian. I really loved this article and agree with it totally. It is good to know that wisdom can be learned if we keeps our minds and hearts open. Thank you.

  • AstridLibby

    The other day I realized that a man hasn’t actually slept in my bed since November 2014. I think this is the longest it has ever gone. I used to be just fine being single until I met MM. After which I have never ever felt so alone. I think it is a big old head trip knowing that no matter what happened between us he still had someone to go home to. F*****!

  • Lanisha

    This post have so much truth, knowledge, and wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

  • Tyler

    You’re only 31, I wouldn’t worry that much about it. I was with more people in my 30’s than in my 20’s. I hear people under 35 droning on about being depressed because their single. How about the woman who is 55 and struggling.

  • Tyler

    At least you’re honest about how most people are. I don’t buy it when someone shouts, “I love being single!” It’s almost as if to convince themselves.


    I just love this blog

  • NG

    I have been happily on both ends, happily single & enjoying life & happily married & enjoying life.I recently went through a divorce & find myself newly single only MY choice this time is I want a companion. To each their own, but I found it refreshing to have a partner in crime in life to share things with to always be able to come home to,sit silently or not in the same room & just feel comfort. He has a lot of growing to still do & tried to find greener pastures…. thus the divorce. Prior to my marriage I was happily single enjoying life & friends etc. Eventually your friends get married, have kids move away etc it’s not the same as being bonded in marriage. Not saying marriage is for everyone. For right now I’m ok where I am, maybe I’ll never marry again, but a life partner would be fantastic to share it with.
    Good luck to those still figuring it all out.

  • lauren456454645

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  • Christina Rae

    I love being single and every time I have to listen to other people’s relationship problems, I express gratitude for my being single. Not everyone who is single is waiting to not be single. Some of us enjoy it, relish it, and would have a really hard time giving it up. It would have to be a pretty extraordinary human being for me to give it up.

  • Iris

    I am in a similar boat after being in a decade long marriage and a couple of long term relationships (one was over 7 years). It has been really hard for me now that I’m single in my 40s. This article helped me to see the light in my present day-to-day living. It also comforts me that I’m not alone in this. It’s part of life and the only way to get through it is to let go of the past and start anew.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Silvia

    I totally disagree. Being single works for plenty of people who are loving, caring, intelligent and creative. It’s just not for you. Many people never enjoy solitude or their own company, making being single an impossible choice. For those of us that do, being single is joyful. But you don’t have to believe me.

  • Jennifer8999

    I am making in the range of 6-8 thousand dollars monthly with an online job i found on internet. Those who are prepared to do basic online work for 2-5 h /day from your house and get good profit while doing it… Then this gig is for you… TINY.PL/g9hw4


  • Jean Gilman

    Perhaps not now… When you get to a point when all your friends are married and in relationships… Things change…

  • Jean Gilman

    “Embrace single hood” ? We as humans have needs. Emotional needs is one of them. Nobody is truly happy being single we all want to be loved and give love…

    Perhaps you had your emotional need fulfilled and loved, when your a lot older and childless and with no attachments it’s a different story…

    Everyone is different but our fundamental need are the same.

  • Jean Gilman

    Please…. When your old and childless with no attachments…lets see how happy being single you are…

  • amartinez1660

    Exactly, I enjoy my single life too, like no idea. Go out with friends, events, random trips.. free as the wind. However, all these blogs about being single AVOID the sex topic, or how they go and deal about it? Do they suffer it? Forget about it? Is it easy for them to find? Masturbating is not a long term solution nor comparable to being with somebody else, even if for a day a week (my .2 cents)

  • amartinez1660

    And you, fellow poster, nailed it. Thanks for passing by.
    I’m starting to insist on this, people blogging about embracing singledom do not tend to:
    – Confront the fact of how they deal with a sexless life (if it is at all? for me it mostly is and depends on luck)
    – What about the realization that it’s the end of the game, 45yo woman single? Your chances are very low now.

  • amartinez1660

    I didn’t see how you linked “nasty = gay women”. He is saying that, for many reasons not listed, women seem to be on the defensive, unnapproachable and unwilling to meet men. It’s a loophole, men become bitter and desperate after years of trying, women disdain them even more:
    – Women seem to want an unexistent perfect man, only found in books and movie characters.
    – Non-single men I would say is a close second, the lust and desire of a woman towards a taken guy vs the same guy single baffles me.

    For the average people, we are becoming more lonely and more single. If it is by choice, then awesome, but when it’s forced on you… not so much.

  • Melanie Pierluigi

    For small things yes, but not huge life decisions. I travel and work overseas and I usually stay one year in each location before I pack up and head to a new country. I worked four years in different schools in South Korea, then China, now I’m about to move to teach at a University in Tokyo. This summer I lived for a month in an Ashram in India getting a yoga teaching certification. After Japan, I’m going to move to Vancouver and return to school. If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to just take off so easily. I can hop on a plane and travel the world at the drop of a hat without needing to check if it’s suitable for my husband/partner…etc….Yes, there are couples that travel together, but it’s a lot harder for them because they have to wait until they can both find suitable jobs in the same place and often have to turn down jobs because of it (what I’ve witnessed first hand from couples who also live overseas)

  • Melanie Pierluigi

    you can have a sexless and boring married life too! In general, I find single people live more adventurous lives…

  • HowRight55

    Thanks for agreeing with me since today Most women Don’t have a Good Personality at all, No Manors whatsoever, a very Bad Attitude Problem especially when you try to start a Normal Conversation with them. And at one time i was Cursed at by a woman that i thought at the time that she was going to be very nice to meet. Oh boy, was i Wrong. It is very sad that many of these women today have Real Mental Issues or many of them unfortunately are Bi Polar which is very sad for them if that is the case. I know a friend of mine that had the same thing Happen to him as well which makes it very Scary how the women of today have really Changed for the Worst. Now years ago Most of the Real Good old fashioned women were the Absolute Best of all compared to the women of today. Years ago Most of the women back then had a very Good Personality, had very Good Manors, very Polite as well, and No Attitude Problem at all. Well that certainly made it Very Easy for the men back then to find Real Love just like our Family Members as well that were Very Blessed too which many of our Family Members are still together today as i speak. And with so many women that now have their Careers today that are making a Six Figure Income since they really think who the Hell they’re which their Attitude really sucks today more than ever. No wonder why many of us Good men are still Single today.

  • HowRight55

    I am back telling the Truth to my story. Oh by the way, why should women Curse at us men for just trying to be Civil? Don’t you think that is Wrong? Well of course it is. So i do have a Right to my own opinion. And i just had it happen to me again unfortunately which i Didn’t do anything Wrong at all. Most women just Don’t like men today i guess. It is very obvious why many of us Good men just have No Luck with women which it is Not our fault at all. I will keep my user name, HowRight55 since i am making a very Good Point with my comment which of course you may Not agree with me and maybe you will.

  • Prophett Mohamad

    Dipshit. I’m enjoying it and I just turned 40. I cab afford my own house, pay for my own trips with cash instead of credit. One night stands satisfy my needs as well.

  • Prophett Mohamad

    One night stands satisfy my needs or the old hand does. I have a house, a nice car, and I pay for my vacations with cash instead of using credit cards. I mean, who the heck wants to wake up having to cater to someone else who bitches and moans all the time. Life is too short. I saw screw them then lose them…oh and I got my vasectomy at 22. I am enjoying a child-free life…kids are career killers.

  • Clarice Gomes

    I loved you post.

  • Prophett Mohamad

    One night stands satisfy my needs or the old hand does. I have a house, a nice car, and I pay for my vacations with cash. I mean, who the heck wants to wake up having to cater to someone else who bitches and moans all the time. Life is too short. I also got my vasectomy at 22. I am enjoying a child-free life…kids are career killers. How many times have you had to “call in sick” when your child is sick?

  • Kitty

    Thank you for this. Truly profound words.

  • alex

    Its stupid to allow men to hurt you over and over, expecting different results. Im done with men and much happier without one.

  • alex

    Relationships/marriage are heavily promoted because of patriarchy. Its the basis of it. Women tend to fare better without men and lately the longest living women say their secret to longevity is never marrying

  • alex


  • alex

    Get Prostitutes

  • amartinez1660

    That seems like the expensive way to go. If you got the money though…

  • Prophet Mohamad is Pedophile

    *you’re. Get an education, cunt. Oh, and with the money that I will have saved up, I can hire someone to wipe my ass. Good luck in trying to make ends meet. HAHAHHAH

  • Aaaccckk!

    Oh my gosh! Listen… we all have “relationships…” everywhere… friends, families, internet connections, acquaintances… are all relationships… and we can get the same feelings of being in love and feeling loved through all of these. What defines a romantic relationship as distinct is sexual expression. This can not be expressed with any old “thing,” it has to be with a person who fits the criteria we have set up for ourselves. Great! So… the worst part of being single is really having a healthy sexual outlet and sharing sexual expression with someone else. This is the basis of the entire problem. We can rely on ourselves for everything else, finances, entertainment, even conversation. No one is addressing this… how do we resolve the absence of sexual intamacy as a single person in a healthy way? There are lots of unhealthy ways, but it is assumed since marriage was invented, that finding a long term parner is supposed to be the most efficient solution to this problem. It is all well and good to say that being single is great for self and growth… yadda… yadda… but unless you plan on your single status to be a lifestyle choice for attaining spiritual nirvana or you have little to no interest in your sexuality, in which case healthy sexual expression would not be a priority or concern, what do you do? We will just have to be single and sexually frustrated until we find an adequate partner. This can take years… really. You may miss your fertile years and end up childless (as a woman). No one knows. Let us face it. Our society is not currently set up to handle a single lifestyle with healthy sexual expression, without the pressures of having to eventually combine households with a fundamental stranger. The Woodabe tribe on the other hand, might have found a great solution without having to worry about incurable STIs and soul ravaging jealousy… how much for a plane ticket to Cameroon?

  • Julia

    This is such a great read! 🙂 Thank you ehehe

  • Suncica

    Is there someone who has the Experience of being truly happy while they are single. I am in my early thirties, still attractive young girl and I dont feel like settling down with anyone right now. I want to travel, make art and handle my own small Business. But there is something that bugs me. There are plenty of guys who are speaking against single woman in their adulthood. They are telling we are feminist, and that we are kinda something less compared to younger girls who already have families. And that we will not be Věry happy when we dont have family and boyfriend. Sometimes I feel they are just bitter. Who are they to tell us how we suppossed to feel and live our lifes. Not everyone wants family in their early adulthood. Is there any woman who was single fór some time and She is in her 30 and 40 and consider herself trully happy with her life even though she has not family? I am satisfied right now but I dont know-how how it will look like in my 40,50.

  • delicate_dream

    I know this is an old post, but I just want to say that, Tony, I totally understand. There is a huge difference between being single in between relationships and being single your whole adult life, perhaps without any sex or even human touch or affection. When people reply that romantic relationships/marriage can be hard too, it’s like telling a starving person that the burger they just ate was pretty bad quality and that they’re not missing out. I hope you’ve found happiness since this post Tony.

  • A W

    I find the one thing that sucks about being single is that I might never know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone else (my single friend shares this same line of thinking). If you’ve never dated or had a significant other, you’re always left wondering if you’re missing out on something. Other than that, I enjoy my single life.

  • A W

    Sure, I agree that singlehood works for intelligent, creative and caring types. Lots of these types of people have time for volunteering, intellectual pursuits and creative hobbies/jobs but at the same time, too much time spent alone can be a bad thing. I’m single and quite comfortable being with myself. I enjoy my alone time but I also need social time with people. Getting enough socializing in your life can be hard if you’re a solitary person, have a small group of friends and your other friends have moved away/married/grown apart from you. Balance is key. I think there are pros and cons to being single, just as there are pros and cons to being in a relationship.

  • A W

    I like your honesty.

  • Seriously Speaking

    Being single is much better than being in a very bad relationship.

  • art

    I am super late to comment but I will anyways. I am 31 year old male, recently married. But I am at the other end of the spectrum- rather than missing a relationship that was in the past, I find myself missing being single sometimes! When I was single, I always wanted to have someone to share my life with, even though I have always been a very independent person. I traveled the world alone extensively throughout my twenties, and I loved it! Then around the age of 28, I realized that even though I have enjoyed life and had many experiences, I wanted someone to settle down and share my life with. Now I am married to a wonderful girl, but I have realized relationships are not easy, especially for a person who is truly independent at heart. It certainly is lots of compromise and yes, to a certain extent, you do give up your freedom. At the end of the day, there are advantages/disadvantages to both, it all depends on who you are.

  • euniqe

    “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”

    jesus fucking christ!! this isn’t an article about being happily single at all, it’s about how to live in utter denial what the fuck

  • art

    Overall, it is true that women do fare better. But there are men who are happily single. I am a 30 year old, recently married man and although I love my wife without measure, marriage can be stressful. Sometimes, I do miss the freedom of the single life and being able to plan my life exactly the way I want it. One of the other reasons women fare better is because a single women is generally viewed more favorably by society than a single man, who is looked upon as odd. Some people cant seem to wrap there head around the fact that a man can be single and happy.

  • art

    I don’t think all single people “convince themselves” they are happy single (although I am sure some do). I believe many are genuinely happy that way. Marriage and relationships are not for everyone.

  • art

    “Nobody is truly happy being single”. Perhaps this may apply to you, but I don’t think you can speak for everyone. I totally agree that everyone wants to love and be loved. But the extent to how much an individual actually “needs” that in there life varies from person to person. There are people who truly enjoy the freedom that being single gives them, and they would not trade it to be in a relationship that ties them down. We are all different.

  • alex

    actually its the other way around. Also most men still need sex and often. If they dont look above average or have good money, they will not be happy single.

  • KT

    It is the nature of the human mind to be afraid of loneliness, disease and old age. Only strong people who perfectly understand themselves and unconditionally love everything around them can be happy being single throughout their life. For others it is good to get a companion.

  • KT

    If we understand that one’s happiness does not depend on outside things or persons, happiness will be there no matter you are single or in a relationship.