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40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain

Let Go

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.

We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives us power. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.

Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes.

There will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful. Here are some ways to get started:

Let Go Of Frustration with Yourself/Your Life

1. Learn a new skill instead of dwelling on the skills you never mastered.

2. Change your perception—see the root cause as a blessing in disguise.

3. Cry it out. According to Dr. William Frey II, PH.D., biochemist at the Ramset Medical Center in Minneapolis, crying away your negative feelings releases harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

4. Channel your discontent into an immediate positive action—make some calls about new job opportunities, or walk to the community center to volunteer.

5. Use meditation or yoga to bring you into the present moment (instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future).

6. Make a list of your accomplishments—even the small ones— and add to it daily. You’ll have to let go of a little discontentment to make space for this self-satisfaction.

7. Visualize a box in your head labeled “Expectations.” Whenever you start dwelling on how things should be or should have been, mentally shelve the thoughts in this box.

8. Engage in a physical activity. Exercise decreases stress hormones and increases endorphins, chemicals that improve your state of mind.

9. Focus all your energy on something you can actually control instead of dwelling on things you can’t.

10. Express your feelings through a creative outlet, like blogging or painting. Add this to your to-do list and cross it off when you’re done. This will be a visual reminder that you have actively chosen to release these feelings.

Let go of Anger and Bitterness

11. Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.

12. Give yourself a rant window. Let yourself vent for a day before confronting the person who troubled you. This may diffuse the hostility and give you time to plan a rational confrontation.

13. Remind yourself that anger hurts you more than the person who upset you, and visualize it melting away as an act of kindness to yourself.

14. If possible, express your anger to the person who offended you. Communicating how you feel may help you move on. Keep in mind that you can’t control how the offender responds; you can only control how clearly and kindly you express yourself.

15. Take responsibility. Many times when you’re angry, you focus on what someone else did that was wrong, which essentially gives away your power. When you focus on what you could have done better, you often feel empowered and less bitter.

16. Put yourself in the offender’s shoes. We all make mistakes, and odds are you could have easily slipped up just like your husband, father, or friend did. Compassion dissolves anger.

17. Metaphorically throw it away. For example, jog with a backpack full of tennis balls. After you’ve built up a bit of rush, toss the balls one by one, labeling each as a part of your anger. (You’ll need to retrieve these—litter angers the earth!)

18. Use a stress ball, and express your anger physically and vocally when you use it. Make a scrunched up face or grunt. You may feel silly, but this allows you to actually express what you’re feeling inside.

19. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and gently flick it when you start obsessing on angry thoughts. This trains your mind to associate that type of persistent negativity with something unpleasant.

20. Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it. These acts create happiness; holding onto bitterness never does.

Let Go Of Past Relationships

21. Identify what the experience taught you to help develop a sense of closure.

22. Write everything you want to express in a letter. Even if you choose not to send it, clarifying your feelings will help you come to terms with reality as it is now.

23. Remember both the good and the bad. Even if appears this way now, the past was not perfect. Acknowledging this may minimize your sense of loss. As Laura Oliver says, “It’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.”

24. Un-romanticize the way you view love. Of course you’ll feel devastated if you believe you lost your soul mate. If you think you can find a love that amazing or better again, it will be easier to move on.

25. Visualize an empowered single you—the person you were before meeting your last love. That person was pretty awesome, and now you have the chance to be him or her again.

26. Create a space that reflects your present reality. Take down his pictures; delete her emails from your saved folder.

27. Reward yourself for small acts of acceptance. Get a facial after you delete his number from your phone, or head out with friends after putting all her things in a box.

28. Hang this statement somewhere you can see it. “Loving myself means letting go.”

29. Replace your emotional thoughts with facts. When you think, “I’ll never feel loved again!” don’t resist that feeling. Instead, move on to another thought, like “I learned a new song for karaoke tonight.”

30. Use the silly voice technique. According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, swapping the voice in your head with a cartoon voice will help take back power from the troubling thought.

Let Go Of Stress

31. Use a deep breathing technique, like ujayii, to soothe yourself and seep into the present moment.

32. Immerse yourself in a group activity. Enjoying the people in your life may help put your problems in perspective.

33. Consider this quotation by Eckhart Tolle: “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” Questioning how your stress serves you may help you let it go.

34. Metaphorically release it. Write down all your stresses and toss the paper into your fireplace.

35. Replace your thoughts. Notice when you begin thinking about something that stresses you so you can shift your thought process to something more pleasant, like your passion for your hobby.

36. Take a sauna break. Studies reveal that people who go to sauna at least twice a week for ten to thirty minutes are less stressed after work than others with similar jobs who don’t.

37. Imagine your life ten years from now. Then look twenty years into the future, and then thirty. Realize that many of the things you’re worrying about don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

38. Organize your desk. According to Georgia Witkin, assistant director of psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, completing a small task increases your sense of control and decreases your stress level.

39. Use it up. Make two lists: one with the root causes of your stress and one with actions to address them. As you complete these tasks, visualize yourself utilizing and depleting your “stress supply.”

40. Laugh it out. Research shows that laughter soothes tension, improves your immune system, and even eases pain. If you can’t relax for long, start with just ten minutes watching a funny video on YouTube.

It’s a long list, but there’s much left to be said! Can you think of anything to add to this list—other areas of life where we need to practice letting go, and other techniques to start doing it right now?

Photo by Katie Romanova

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you change your life. She's now seeking stories for her next book, 365 Tiny Love Challenges from Tiny Buddha. Click here to share your story and follow on Facebook for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • inneedofpeace

    Awesome post. The links to further resources and thoughts are spot on. Thank you for your excellent writing.

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  • http://www.brosix.com/ Kelsey

    What a great post. There are so many good suggestions here. I will definitely bookmark this and return next time i need some help letting go.

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  • Mark Linden OMeara

    Ranting and Venting is dangerous and actually goes against buddhist teachings. It only reinforces anger. Clear up anger with wisdom, gain a greater appreciation of what led up to the other person's or even your own state of mind.

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    Thank you! This one was very close to my heart because letting go has always been challenging for me. I've spent a lot of time reading/learning to apply these types of ideas; and they've brought me a lot of peace. I'm glad you enjoyed this post.

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    Fantastic! I'm glad to learn you found it useful.

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    Hi Mark,

    I can understand your thoughts on this. In my studies, I've found that Buddhism teaches the following:

    1. Acknowledge your anger. Being mindful of your feelings is the first step toward finding a sense of peace.

    2. Accept that you are responsible for your feelings. Outside factors may influence how we feel, but ultimately we decide when to take offense, make meanings out of situations, etc.

    3. Work through your anger before taking action so that you can respond with loving kindness and compassion–instead of letting your anger explode. This is where venting may come in handy.

    Instead of throwing your anger at the person who you feel wronged you, work through your feelings out loud. Say what you need to say. Bounce it off someone else if you'd like. Just get it all out.

    Once you do this, it's a lot easier to step back and think about a response that isn't a counter-attack.

    I'm not saying there aren't people who can simply sit with their anger and let their wisdom melt it into love and compassion. It's just my experience that most people need to work through it before they can let it go. And it often helps to do that out loud.

    Does that make sense?

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/mikeisonthenets Michael Wong

    The other day when you asked me if there was anything you could do for me, my first thought was “help me let go of this useless anger about X”. Thanks for hearing me in spite of myself. :) Excellent article!

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    Hi Michael~ I'm so glad to hear that this hit home for you. It brings me a lot of joy to know my writing makes a difference. Thank you for the feedback!

  • rockonova

    This is a great list, Lori =)

    especially after I had a “challenging” confrontation with someone today.

    #15 and #16 really helped me out!

  • http://twitter.com/BlayneDouglas Blayne Douglas

    Awesome. Thank you so much.

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    Hi Rocky! I'm so glad to hear this post helped you. I always feel so much better when I'm able to let go, and I wish the same peace of mind for you.

  • http://twitter.com/GoodMoodBlogger Lori

    You're most welcome. Thanks for reading =)

  • clinton

    this is so right,i've held on to silly emotions for years,although i have made a conscious effort to rid myself of such negative feelings lately,i think it will be a slow process,..but i'm on it!
    thankyou for your wise words,they open my eyes enough to kick me into gear.

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  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    I'm so glad to read that. It's a work in progress for all of us, I think. I know it is for me!

  • charylene

    HELLO MY NAME IS CHARYLENE .
    MY GOD I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AA OR NA LOL
    I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ON OCT 24 TH HE WAS NIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR MY SOUL MATE MY BEST FRIEND . I NOW AM IN SUCH A MESS CRYING ALL THE TIME . SOMETIMES IT'S A BITCH SOMETIMES IT'S A BREEZ ANY HELP OUT THERE I WOULD LOVE IT ..
    THANK YOU
    CHARYLENE

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  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    Hello Charylene,

    My heart goes out to you. I wasn't sure in reading your comment if you and your love broke up, or if he passed away; but either way, I know you must be in a lot of pain.

    I wish I could offer some type of condolence that won't sound trite–or even better, that will help in some way. The only thing I know for certain is that all pain eventually passes. It's not easy to keep that in mind when you're in the thick of things, but there WILL be a moment when it will feel easier. And at some point, you'll laugh and feel happy again.

    Please know you aren't alone. People want to be there for you, and they will if you let them. People you already know, and people you've yet to meet.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • charylene

    HELLO
    YES MY FRIEND MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY ON OCT 24 TH 09 I FEEL AS IF I HAVE A
    WHOLE IN MY HEART .HE WILL ALWAYS BE MY BEST FRIEND AN IN MY HEAT, I MISS
    HIM SO SO MUCH.
    THANK YOU CARLA FAHEY

  • charylene

    CARLA CHARYLENE FAHEY HE ALWAYS CALLED ME CHARYLENE…
    THANKS AGAIN

    YES FOREVER AN ALWAYS LOVE
    CARLA RUFF & VITO
    WE ALWAYS HAD UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
    FOR EACH OTHER .
    MY RUFF, NO ONE COULD HOLD A CANDLE TO HIM
    YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART FOR EVER .
    YOUR LOVING WIFE CHARYLENE & VITO

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  • Mary

    This is a very useful article, i really need to just let go to help me become a better person and i find this article very, very useful
    thanks

  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    I'm glad you find it helpful. I work on a lot of these things, as well. Some come naturally and others that take more work, but I think it all gets easier with practice. Best of luck!

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  • vherbison

    WOW this site is WONDERFUL ! It makes so much practical sense. I'm impressed that you give so much information….FREE!!!! Imagin if these things were taught in the school systems!!!!

  • Maggie

    WOW this site is WONDERFUL ! It makes so much practical sense. I'm impressed that you give so much information….FREE!!!! Imagin if these things were taught in the school systems!!!!

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  • http://www.lisartroni.com lisa

    THANKYOU for your inspiration

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  • emelysma

    Great post indeed. So many useful suggestions.

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  • Vandana

    Great tips. I have book marked this and will certainly revisit it. Found the tips very practical. was just recovering from serious heart break but this article gave me hope.

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  • wkcas

    I needed this today. Also your post on Zen Habits. Both have empowered me so much. For the past few weeks I've been feeling powerless and needy and reading these two posts helped me to gain a better grasp and feel better.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I'm so glad you found them helpful!

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  • elpedro

    It's pure and simple. Diversion. And it works if someone with a staff who had brains could figure it out. They are really, really desperate and telling Sarah to say the same things that have been said before. But I still can't figure out for the life of me why McBush got so many votes in election. And too bad that Sarah's beauty pageant didn't have “Ms. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

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  • http://www.tapety.cjb.net Alskjfw

    wow.
    Great post.
    thanks man.

    G.J.

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

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  • Mandy

    Having gone through a painful relationship break up in the last few months…I am trying to let go…and to find ways to deal with me ex partners silence. We have never had a proper discussion about the problems we faced…she preferred to ‘move on’ rather than discuss although we are still friends and, on a daily basis, I have to deal with the fact that my love must have been stronger than hers…How do you let go in these circumstances? I want to feel, to express, to have closure…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know how difficult it can be to let go and move after a painful breakup. I wrote something about this a few months back: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/ I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts.

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  • FocusIsAllWrong

    Could you be more selfish? This should be entitled “40 Ways To Be Selfish And Think Only Of Yourself All Day Long.” Nuts!

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  • BARB

    Thanks for sharing and reminding us 

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  • http://www.famousquotes.com/ Motivational Quotes

    well it will always start on how willing are you to move on.. good points by the way

  • Asphyxiatedrake

    Thanks for this. I’m going through heartbreak right now and this is really helpful. I actually make a quick poster of 28 and put it up on my wall.

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  • Shane

    Had a whole couple paragraphs wrote about how this list is depressing, but it seems to have given alot of folks hope and some determination, so I’m obviously in the minority.

    Even the brightest light will be dim with enough distance.

    I hope you all find it as easy as that, I really do.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Shane,

    Thanks for commenting. It’s wonderful that you have a sense of perspective when it comes to dealing with pain. I think most people understand in theory that all hurt passes eventually, but a lot of us need reminders to let go of the things we’re carrying around.

    For some people letting go comes easier than others. What I wish for everyone isn’t so much that it might be easier, but that we can learn not judge ourselves for being human. Pain is a natural (and important) part of life. But we have a choice as to how deeply and for how long we hurt. When I remember that suddenly I feel empowered.

    Thanks again for reading and commenting.

    Lori

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  • amo

    letting go is not easy .. i just dont understand why it has to be so complicated..i’m feeling the pain and it is killing me,being a reserved person i find it difficult to share my feelings..how can i just shut myself for the one who has moved on.

  • Detawy

    I have concerns about your suggestion to flick your arm with a rubberband to associate emotional pain with physical pain. This type of behavior sometimes plays out in the form of self mutilation. I would discourage harming oneself physically and encourage a healthier way to release emotional stress.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I see your point! This has helped me in the past because it pulled me out of my head and into my body, but I can see how this could be a gateway for someone with self mutilating tendencies. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Lori

  • mom

    How about letting go of losing a child?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. They say that losing a child is one of the most difficult things in life, and I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing.

    I have not yet had children–let alone lost a child–so I can’t speak to this from personal experience. I’m also not sure what advice to offer you that wouldn’t so cliche or trite. I have, however, published posts from other writers who have recently dealt with death. I hope one of these brings you a little peace:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/navigating-loss-dealing-with-the-pain/
    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-the-moment-when-it-sucks-dealing-with-death/

    You are in my thoughts,
    Lori

  • Karen N

    Very helpful, but I did read #5 wrong–
    when I read ” Use medication or yoga to bring you into the present moment (instead of dwelling on the past of worrying about the future.)”
    I thought it was a good idea!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Ha! Well, I suppose that could help, too!

  • http://www.wellnesskriya.wordpress.com Deepali Bankar

    Lori, I absolutely loved this article. What a great reminder of the benefits of “letting go”. Thanks for sharing!
    -deepali
    http://www.wellnesskriya.wordpress.com

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Deepali! I’m glad you enjoyed this post!

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  • Mia

    Its not about feeling less pain, it’s about letting the pain consume you, pulling yourself back from disgrace, and seeing the beauty in every breath you take.

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  • Katty

    Really nice article ;)

  • Angela

    Fantastic?

    Yes. :)

    Life is all about change. Moving on, finding and discovering. But life is also about learning and accepting.

    Sometimes all we need is a little push.

    Thanks for this. :)

  • Artist

    I am so glad i read this page today stress is found so many places and i ready to peel all the layers off so thank you.

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  • reena bhagan

    moving on is difficult, i recently experienced a breakup of a two yr relationship it hurts though an i cant let go but i am trying so hard 2 ….tanks for these tips its really helpful ;)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I know how difficult it can be to move on after a break up. What has helped me in letting go is remembering that everything eventually passes and transforms, whether I torture myself over it or not. If letting go is inevitable, it’s just a matter of whether we fight it or facilitate it. Sending you love and light! ~Lori

  • Breenrivera

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I felt very lame to google ” how to let go of the past,” and read an article as I cry. After reading half of your article I am now listening to upbeat music and smiling. My boyfriend and I went through a very large hump and I couldn’t let go of what happened. But, you have no idea how much your articles help. Forwarding this to all my girlfriends. Thank you for sharing your insight, truly helps.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s so great to hear! I know how difficult it can be to let go, and I love knowing I can help other people feel less pain in life. Thanks for commenting. =)

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  • K.

    I found this page after I googled “is it possible to let go of anger?”. My anger is caused by bad neighbors and has grown so far out of control over the past couple years that it has almost destroyed my life. It’s that bad. I will be moving in a couple months and I didn’t know how I would make it through the remaining time here, but this will help. There are many practical and easy to follow ideas. Thank you for this page.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi K,

    I’m glad you stumbled upon Tiny Buddha! I have dealt with some difficult neighbors in my time, and I’m so pleased that my post has been helpful in dealing with your situation. Have a wonderful day. =)

    Lori

  • http://meditationtechniques.co meditation techniques

    Nice tips.I enjoyed all the blog and all the methods of
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    Thanks for this blog,I’ll share it with others.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Swiss-Andrew/559856037 Swiss Andrew

    this is this biggest load of cow-manure ever….. oh yes, let’s just go do as we please and when shit goes wrong let’s just let thing’s go, that’s a nice apathetic self-absorbed way to live for one person, never mind all of other people that might be suffering due to ones actions…. here’s a better phrase never move on, never let go, instead find responsibility, social accountability, resolve, and TRUTH!!! or has society become afraid of reality and would instead live in their own “selfishly desired” lives instead of what’s right and what need’s to be done. even metaphysically speaking not once was this idea ever mentioned, Jesus mentioned repenting for wrongs for a reason, not to just let shit be. for those of a none faith outlook consider this, if some thing wrong is done to you do you think it just that they can simply walk, cowards are the ones that don’t bother with facing the consequences of their actions and evil people well, they just don’t care in the first place but that’s kind’ve half the reason as to what makes them criminal in the first place

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  • moving on?

    I lost my best friend and former (platonic) roommate of over 10 years after his new GF convinced him that I was chasing after him. They decided together that I was pretending to be horrifically ill to get his attention (not true – i was really sick, in their presence, by accident). Attempts to communicate with him over the last year have proven futile. At this point I could not trust him as a friend again even if he actually wanted me to. And I am trying so hard to let go. Yet found out recently I sent messages to him while so drunk I don’t remember. He did not respond but blocked me from all contact. I am trying to cut the unconscious BS so this doesn’t happen again. I am trying to cut him out of my mind. You have very good advice and I hope I can utilize it. At any rate, reading it has provided some immediate relief. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    It sounds to me like perhaps you had feelings that weren’t exactly platonic. I’m guessing that’s what fueled the drunk texts. If that was the case, then you have some unfinished business there–you have feelings you denied and an accusation that you’ve never owned up to.

    What I’d recommend is taking some time to be really honest with yourself about what your feelings were, and then write them out in a letter. You may end up just burning this letter, or you might even send it to him. The point is to fully own whatever feelings you’re denying so that you can process and get some kind of closure on what happened.

    If I’m way off base and your drunk texts were more about losing a friend (not expressing denied feelings) I would recommend something similar. Write everything out in a letter. Express everything that feels unexpressed. It may help to burn it; but I know if I were in your shoes, I would want him to read it. Once you feel a sense of closure, it will be easier to fully let go.

    I would also recommend not drinking much for the time being. Until you get closure on this, you’re likely to do the same thing again.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • moving on?

    Very fast response, thank you so much! I love your site it was really helping me last night. I found it because the last couple years I find whenever I am having the worst kind of trouble looking up my issue with “Buddhist” in the search always yields good advice.

    You were right in a lot of ways, there is a lot more to it. To clarify, as best I can such a muddled situation…

    The last 7 years I have lived hundreds of miles away and my friend and I just saw each other a couple times a year. I have been head over heels in love with another man, my partner of almost 8 years and going strong. I love him more every day. My partner and I have an open relationship. I wouldn’t change my partner for the world.

    A couple of years ago my former best friend and I did have a fling, but it was fully open, no secrets, no pretension of starting a relationship. He knew all about me, and he was seeing other women which he had told me all about. It did mix me up, but I faced my feelings and got through them. The fling lasted a very short time, we stayed great friends, and he decided to be monogamous with one of his girls. They had my blessings, not that they needed them. I let them stay at my home last summer while they vacationed in LA, which is when I got sick and needed help. They left immediately after, canceling further plans, and he called me saying he was angry at me but wouldn’t tell me why because he didn’t feel like talking on his vacation. It took him over 3 months to get back to me and tell me that they are positive I faked that illness to get his attention.
    Since I moved to Los Angeles over 6 years ago I was hoping to have my friend come and visit me. He’s never been a fan of LA but we always had so much fun in SF, I wanted to take our random adventures to my city for at least a weekend. The 1st chance we had to hang in LA was our last chance and I was sick. And now… he just moved to LA last month! When I heard it was like being stabbed in the chest with a knife. I have tried many techniques to move on since yet my drunken messages clearly proved that they have been unsuccessful. I think I will write that letter, burn it, and if I feel any further need after all that, send him the next letter after the burnt one.

    And every day I continue thank god for the love that has been in my life to share.

  • moving on?

    Sorry I didn’t realize how long that would be :

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad to be helpful. =)

  • Karlkaye3

    all these ideas are good but they olny last so long:/ 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s true–but so does pain. It’s all temporary. It always helps me when I am hurting to remember that everything passes eventually.

  • Becks

    Thanks for this post its reassuring to think that there could be a happy ending to pain. I have been working so hard on my present relationship which didn’t start so well… I cannot get ride of the memories of pain and suffering I had to go through and more it has been very difficult to forgive my partner for his actions and myself for staying in the relationship. I keep telling myself that the past is in the past and I should move on but it’s easier said than done, I have been doing therapy, yoga, sport and all I can find to try to get in that state of happiness I so long for. Now I don’t know if I can leave the past in the past if I am reminded of it constantly. I probably should leave but I really don’t want to and try to make it work. It is a roller-coaster of emotions and it is driving me mad. I know time heals wounds but gosh mine are so deep…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Becks,

    My take on it is that there really isn’t a happy ending to pain–we just have countless opportunities to let pain go and be happy from moment to moment. I suspect we will deal with pain and got caught up in the past off and on all through our lives. They’re both very human struggles–but if we work at it, we can learn to respond to pain a little better and let go a little quicker as time goes on.

    My question for you (rhetorical–you don’t need to answer it for me): If you are having a hard time forgiving your partner AND forgiving yourself for staying in the relationship, is there perhaps a part of you that thinks it’s a better choice to not stay in it? Maybe your feelings about the past are trying to teach you about what’s best for you in the present. Of course, only you would know would know that.

    There’s another post that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

    Much love and light,
    Lori

  • Guest

    I was reading this but had to stop when I got to the part where you said to put yourself in another person’s shoes and try to understand that they are human and fallible.  Should compassion dissolve my anger at someone who is willfully and consistently abusive? Isn’t anger a natural and helpful defence against someone who is out to hurt you?  Don’t negative experiences in young life teach us what is good and bad for us and what we should avoid? Why then should we learn from some and ignore others?  Why should we be compassionate and continue to maintain a relationship with abusive people (or do you deny that abuse exists)?

    I am sorry, but this reads to me like victim blaming again. How can I be responsible for my very sensible reaction to the person who abuses me – for whatever reason the chose to abuse me? What good will showing them compassion do when what they really want is the distance and irritation they constantly create? Putting the responsibility on the victim is unfair.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you have been abused. I think I can understand your feelings here. I have dealt with my share of abuse in the past, and I let that anger consume me for years. I believe that everything you wrote is true and valid–our anger can absolutely tell us about what types of experiences we should avoid. What I was suggesting is that empathizing with the humanity of someone who hurt you might make it easier to let go of the anger, after you have made a smart choice for your own well-being.

    Ending a relationship with an abusive person is only the first step in ensuring they can no longer hurt you. If you still cling to the anger, they will hurt you long after they’re gone. I realize that everyone is different, so this may not make sense to you from where you stand right now. In my personal experience, once I took care of my needs by distancing myself from the people who hurt me, I was able to fully let go of the painful memories by empathizing with their pain (which I believe motivated their actions) and deciding to forgive.

    I understand that this may seem like putting responsibility on a victim instead of on the abuser–but ultimately, we can only find peace if we take responsibility for our feelings. Until we decide we don’t want pain, that is what we’ll feel.

    I hope this has helped somewhat, though I understand if it doesn’t. It’s not easy to consider letting go of the pain of abuse. I know it wasn’t for me. If you’d like to email me, I am here. You can reach me at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • Loveyamuch444

    listening to music can help!!!!

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  • JR2011

     im not too sure if this is in your line of work but i am 20 years old and when i was in high schoool i was made fun of alot and when i say alot i mean ALOT!! everyday i would come home crying after school and this is now reflecting on my relationship with my current boyfriend of 2 years he loves me for the person i am but i am soo jealous and feel like i am never good enough because i beleive that i am not good enough because of what ive been told in the past. i was never told by anyone that i was beautiful and i dont know how to change the point of view on myself? if this is not in your line of work im very srry to have wasted you time i just want to feel beautiful because i know that i cant expect someone to love me 100% if i dont love myself 100%
    thank you for your time!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I could totally relate to what you wrote. I was bullied a lot in school, and I’ve felt many of the same feelings you’ve described. I wrote a post that might be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-your-authentic-self/

    This outlines some of the things I have done to embrace who I am and accept that I am good enough. I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Sephnee49

    omg I feel EXACTLY the same as you, it really hurts still, the past. But I’m in counselling now and I’m finally talking about what happened at primary school & at high school to me and damn straight you need to learn to love yourself before you can accept a compliment from anyone for real I know exactly where you’re coming from. It’s gonna take some time to get over the past & a lot of tears but I know I’ll get there in the end, you can too! 

    It sounds like you’ve got an amazing guy who loves you so much and who would do anything to support you, have you tried counselling? I’d strongly recommend it :)  But yeah for the past 13 years I’ve felt like I’m worthless & not beautiful, that I’m ugly, useless and not had much self confidence because of what people have said to me but I’m now 20 and I’ve realised that I’ve left a big part of me behind that could have been happy so I wanna be happy and not let those people get me down anymore, I have to start believing in myself and so do you :) good luck and sorry for the rant! xxx

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  • Liza Kindred

    This post is great! I actually refer to it quite often. It also has the funniest typo that I hope you don’t fix because I point it out… In #5, it says, “instead of dwelling on the past of worrying about the future”. That second ‘of’, I believe, was meant to be an ‘or’. However, as it stands, it makes me chuckle. I *do* have a past of worrying about the future! 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you find this post useful! I also have a past of worrying about the future, so it seems we have that in common. That’s a typo I make all the time–thank you for bringing it to my attention!

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  • http://www.elbeeservicesllc.com Lalitha Brahma

    Love this article! Made my day. I would add Emotional Freedom technique alsoThanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     Thanks Lalitha! That’s a wonderful addition. I’ve tried it before, and it really helped!

  • Kar_mc1

    Then again, the wrist snapping is also suggested as a harmless substitute for self injurious behaviors.

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  • http://www.meditationtechniques.co.cc/ Ank

    Look at green color can also help in feeling less pain.

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  • Hjguyk

    so according to post #3 – crying is bad?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Quite the contrary! It’s actually good, as it releases harmful chemicals from your body. Ever notice you tend to feel a lot better after you cry? It’s an all-around release!

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  • A1aqua

    I don’t know if this will help with my daughter disowning me. I have 4 girls, and the oldest who is 17 and just became a new mother herself has just told me she wants nothing to do with me, whereas my relationship with the other 3 is great. It’s very hard to let go of/forget someone like that. :(

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That sounds like an incredibly difficult and painful situation. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I realize that it’s always easier to offer advice when you’re not in someone’s shoes, but I have one thought that might help: take it moment to moment. It’s an entirely likely that you will have to let go over and over again. Now I don’t mean let go of her–I mean let go of the pain associated with this situation so that it doesn’t dominate your life.

    When I had a major falling outs with some of my family members in the past, I’d have some days where I could be present and peaceful, regardless of the situation, and others when it just wasn’t as easy. What made it difficult was the belief that the situation was wrong–family should stick by each other. I still believe that, but I also realize that “shoulds” can make it nearly impossible to find peace when things are different. And sometimes, they just are.

    I hope that one way or another, your daughter comes around. At 17, we all think we have it all figured out–but she may realize at some point that this was a mistake. In the meantime, I hope you can create peace of mind for yourself by focusing on the present and taking it one day at a time.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Sixcntz

    I have alot of trouble obsessing about various things, some trivial, some not. I can tell you that this list is going to help me tremendously! Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’ve done my fair share of obsessing, which is why I write a lot about letting go. I’m glad that this post helped you!

  • http://www.lovegenerations.co.uk over 50s dating site

    Hi,this is the amazing tips for the happiness and fell less pain.This is really well written information and very helpful to me.Keep sharing with us inn future

  • Frank

    Thank you so much. 

    As a recovering addict I have often struggled with conflict within relationships and particularly painful resentments after a break-up.  I split from a partner of about 16 months, around 7 months ago. After initially agonizing feelings of rejection and hopelessness, regret and self-pity gradually became more tolerable, I recently I felt I was finally coming to terms with it… then I inadvertently heard that she is now seeing someone else and it just felt terrible, as if I’d not moved on at all.  I know there is no set time for these feelings to subside but this column gave me an immense sense of relief and focus on my own journey. Feels like I just turned a corner…I suddenly feel like letting go is not only possible but the big adventure that my own recovery from active addiction is. As I know the reasons behind my addiction are tied into my insecurities in dealing with past love heartbreak, so the ability to transcend these challenges of letting go of the past are part and parcel of my recovery.At last I feel the time is NOW to re-start reading The Power Of Now… “You can travel the whole world and you’ll never find anyone more deserving of your love, than yourself…”  The Buddha.

  • Kirstin

    Thank You :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad to hear you feel like you’ve turned a corner. Letting go has always been challenging for me, as well, and it manifested through the years into all types of acts of self-harm. Because I was so hard on myself, I became my own punching bag. My insecurity (about not being loved) bled into everything I did.

    What’s helped me is to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and then repeat to myself, “I really can start over right now.” That I can let go of everything I’ve done. I don’t need to punish myself. I don’t need to judge myself. I don’t need to rehash, or stress, or worry–I can let it all go and start from right where I stand.” It’s something I still do from time to time, as old mental habits die hard. It makes a big difference.

  • Anonymous

    The blog was absolutely fantastic! Lots of great information and inspiration, both of which we all need!b Keep ‘em coming… you all do such a great job at such Concepts… can’t tell you how much I, for one appreciate all you do!
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  • Rahulkumar2801

    Hi Lori

    I was searching on let go and found this. I always read columns in Tiny Buddha and find everything uselful and satisfying. But for the first time, i feel none of these thoughts about letting go matches or help me with my situation. That is why i decided to write to you. I have a very complicated situation. And i hope you could help me out.

    I have this friend i know since last five years. We have been into friendship and secretly fallen in love with each other. All i can say is every single moment spent with her have been very special. Our relationship started with a friendship at college and then i dont know when it turned into love. The love, trust, care, happiness and everything i felt and the same feeling for her was so amazing and miraclous. Just a mere thought of her made me feel so best! We used to talk whole night and day and used to spent time together all the time. Even if we were not together or far away from each other, we always used to be in touch by phone, sms, etc. Even a single day without her message or talk was so difficult. We had such a strong feeling for each other and both of us secretly knew that we deeply love each other. So many moments i have that still makes me feel so special. The talks, the moments which weshared and that just happened eventually makes me feel so very special. Though when it happened it was just with the flow but now when i remember them and see the photographs, i realise they are so special. Well if i keep writing about our experience, i will never stop writing. I hope you understand how deep our feelings for each other was.

    But then in this there was one thing we decided one night that we will never get married due to certain unavoidable reasons and will stay friends forever and was convincing. I still feel convinced and agree with it. I still remember the night we talked about it and i remember how sad as well as happy to be with her that night as if it was our last night. Everything went great and still it is. Last month she got married and i attended her wedding with all of our mutual friends. She looked beautiful! I had great time in the wedding with everybody. But now when she is married and so we can not have a normal relationship and everyday talks, i feel liitle sad. Also i tried dating few other girls and trying to go into a relationship with another girl. But i am realising that i cannot feel the same as i felt with her. Every single word i say to my new girlfriend is so fake. I want to let her go! Please help.

  • Letgo

    By mistake i happened to submit my name…please hide my name if you can

  • Prima

    So glad i came across this article…it really helps! ; )

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great Prima! I’m glad to help!

  • Gadjikov

    Thank you for letting me read this.. I have been scared so much in the past by women cheating on me, in fact, truth be told, every woman ive ben with has cheated on me, so it does really make me laugh when women bang on about how all men are cheaters…my , they are so far of the mark its just ridiculous. the woman i have been with over the past 3 weeks has tried showing me that she is not like the rest and that she can be trusted..admittedly i have found it hard to trust…but after reading your thoughts on how to move forward, i have gained some hope…..she is everything i have ever wanted in a woman that i have never had before…and i nearly destroyed what we had with my insecurities….again thank you for throwing me that life saver i so desperately needed.

  • http://twitter.com/crashtest133 livinitup

    Hi Lori. I’ve been in a pretty much messed up situation as of late,with a girl I’ve known for 4 months now. We first met in her city last month for a concert,I stayed at her house and out of the blue,we made love and had some unforgettable moments. After a long time,I felt amazing with myself,I really liked the girl and I truly had hope we could start something deep and wonderful together(and I never had a GF in my 21 years existence). But as soon as I got home,she started second-guessing all of this,and let me know that she didn’t really feel those moments of intimacy we shared together. I insisted that it’d be better to meet one more time to see what was the deal and how we could go about the situation,but two weeks ago she texted me she didn’t want to see/hear from me again ’cause she was feeling unconfortable about the whole thing. No attempts at any kind of relation accepted,not even friendship(which would’ve been hard for me to accept,anyway).I started calling her,but never answered.
    Then her father called and warned me that they were going to sue me or something had I kept on calling that number. I’m really angry for all of this,as I feel that it would’ve been correct to,at least,have some kind of clarification face-to-face before saying goodbye to each other. Instead she cowardly decided to hide behind her cellphone. Not only she got my hopes up for nothing,but abruptly put an end to whatever kind of thing we could have in the lowest and most despicable way possible.
    How can I deal with this?
    I’ve lost one of the few persons I could talk to,I never had many people I trusted in my life.
    Now I have no more faith in true love,and in people in general.
    It wasn’t a matter of my personal ego,it wasn’t about me having to get things the way I wanted,but only about sorting things out in an adult,responsible and socially correct manner,not in a childish manner like she did.

  • BABOOLIBOO

    HOW COULD YOU FORGOT_ SNEEZING_?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. I can see how this would be upsetting. It seems like this girl felt as though she made a mistake, and then wanted the whole thing to just go away. She could definitely have handled things in a more mature way, but that’s not really within your control. All you can control is what you do now. And really you only have one option: learn from this and move on. I know that’s far easier said than done, so be patient with yourself if it’s difficult.

    Just remember: She is not the last person you will share these intimate moments with. And someday you will meet someone who is in the right place in her life and right state of mind to move forward with an actual relationship. If you can start to forgive this girl (by trying to empathize with what might be going on in her head), learn from this, and let this go, you will open yourself up to meeting someone who will be a better match for you.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • Sharonaapelu

    I love this u have helped me to move forward and to let go of my past heart aches. thank u

  • http://twitter.com/crashtest133 livinitup

    Thank you very much for the kind advice,I’ll try my best. Even though I’m still young I gotta get this out of my chest: I’m SICK and TIRED of being rejected for the most stupidest and see-through reasons in the world,when I know I could give those girls everything they need and more.
    If it’s not for one reason,there’s always another one…damn,f**k that!When will this end?! :-(
    Anyway,I’d also like to ask you this: whether I succeed in moving on by meeting a better girl or not,do you think it would be wise to let a month or so go by,so that hell will prolly freeze over,and then try to reconnect with her by calling the HOME number while their parents are on vacation(she won’t go)and letting my mother speak for me?
    Yeah,I know that would be lame,but I’m afraid that if I do,she’ll go to the cops for real this time.
    My mother knows how I feel about this and maybe if I let her do the talking,the girl will listen up.
    I’d like to at least stay on “talking terms” with her,since it’ll be a long way for me before I have new people to talk to and fully trust.

  • http://twitter.com/crashtest133 livinitup

    Thank you very much for the kind advice,I’ll try my best. Even though I’m still young I gotta get this out of my chest: I’m SICK and TIRED of being rejected for the most stupidest and see-through reasons in the world,when I know I could give those girls everything they need and more.
    If it’s not for one reason,there’s always another one…damn,f**k that!When will this end?! :-(
    Anyway,I’d also like to ask you this: whether I succeed in moving on by meeting a better girl or not,do you think it would be wise to let a month or so go by,so that hell will prolly freeze over,and then try to reconnect with her by calling the HOME number while their parents are on vacation(she won’t go)and letting my mother speak for me?
    Yeah,I know that would be lame,but I’m afraid that if I do,she’ll go to the cops for real this time.
    My mother knows how I feel about this and maybe if I let her do the talking,the girl will listen up.
    I’d like to at least stay on “talking terms” with her,since it’ll be a long way for me before I have new people to talk to and fully trust.

  • autumn rose

    i agree completely

  • autumn rose

    my breakup was terrible and i was searching all kinds of websites and friends to help me get through it and i was so done untill i found this!! so thank you i can finally let go and move on!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • Anthony

    I never blogged before but I am using step 10. I find myself feeling insecure and meaningless.I enjoyed reading this article. I really wish I could cry out some of my emotion right now. I typically am a postive person and feel like am living with regret at age 37. I pray to myself regular that find acceptance and hope. I am sure many people have felt like this before. I ask the Lord to help me release these emotion and start fresh. Thank you to who ever put this blog together. Help me find that release so I can believe again..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome, Anthony. One thought: have you considered seeing a therapist? That really helped me work through my emotions, and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs helping letting go.

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  • http://www.highbloodpressuremed.com HBP

    I do enjoy the way you have framed this specific issue plus it does provide us some fodder for thought. Nevertheless, through everything that I have seen, I only trust as the actual feedback pile on that people today remain on issue and don’t embark on a soap box associated with some other news of the day. Still, thank you for this fantastic piece and while I do not go along with it in totality, I value your standpoint.

  • http://www.funnylovesms.com Info

    I do like the manner in which you have presented this particular matter and it does give me a lot of fodder for consideration. However, because of just what I have witnessed, I just hope when the feedback pile on that people remain on point and not start upon a soap box regarding some other news of the day. Still, thank you for this fantastic point and although I do not agree with this in totality, I value your perspective.

  • aldrin james

    How I wish I found this post before when I really need it. I am sure that this will help me recover fast from bad days. But I will try to share this quotes to all of my friends. I love you quotes for him

  • Fgbarrios

    ThankYou Lori i enjoy reading your 40 steps to let go the past but i really would like to understand how to trust love and my partner i having a very hard time to let go to the my past dont know why ?
    i know u have the answer … franz 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Franz,

    I understand how difficult it can be to let go of the past. Instinctively, we want to protect ourselves, and oftentimes, it feels like the best way to do that is to cling to past hurts (so as to not repeat them). Unfortunately, I don’t have a concrete answer about your situation specifically, as there are likely many different factors that contributed to it. I would ask you to take some time to sit in silence, to see what your instincts tell you. This is something that has helped me in the past. It’s the best way to discover the answer, because you are the only one who has it.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m glad to hear you’ve stopped being violent. I know it must have been painful to feel that intense rage, and to deal with the consequences of your actions. Though I have never been violent, I’ve had impulse control problems, and this hurt both myself and the people around me. Congrats on making positive change. =)

  • jif

    thank you so much.
    i am obviously also going through hell. most of which i had coming :(
    and i am a violent type. done many mistakes before. and learned from many but i cant afford to make all the mistakes just to learn from them anymore

    i only share as i know there are others out there who feel very very intensively. not that everyone else doesnt. we all suffer deep down.. but people with emotional unstability like myself have a very hard time letting things go and a strong urge to act compulsively. rage is so intense that it is beyond graphic what you want to do and think you should and etc etc.. VERY. all useless and ridiculous if it ever happeneed :( . why when we know how wrong and stupid it is, its still so hard to let go.. omg!

    but i have had the chance to be surrounded by some amazing people, like always, only this time i didnt hide under my rock and put on a mask knowing there’s a time bomb inside of me.

    no. this time i reached out. and its hard to hear lots of good advice ppl give.. but it will eventually make a difference. much needed

    and this article sums up alot alot of those realisations, reinforces them and honestly gives me that much more strength to keep going in the positive way.

    working hard on 13, 15 and 20.. and tryin to go past 3 and 11 lol RAGE tears :(

    much love for all you guys out there struggling with urselves and ur lives. girls too. no need to screw urself up even more over NOTHING.. there’s goodness out there, and others who will make it and others who wont. i wish you, and myself lol, to be strong till its all behind and be the ones who make it :)

    peace

    thanks all for sharing, it helps alot, and thanks a million to you lori.

  • Michael

    I agree that music can help, but I also think that it can hurt. Sometimes, for me, listening to music that takes me back to a time in the past only servers to reinforce those feelings of holding on. I tried listening to music that was new to me, even if it was old music that i had never head before. That way, I can make new associations with the music.

  • http://spiritofgems.blogspot.com Sanjaya Gunasena

    Its so true that when i recollect at all the things i used to worry and fret about in my life even a year ago seem so trivial now and always wonder what i used to get worked up about. Like you say now i just laugh it out…works wonders

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  • Fred

    There is a 10 year gap difference between my girlfriend and I (35 and 24 when we met). We have been together for 3 years. I’m very conservative about sex and relationships. i knew my g/f for 4 months at work. She initiated sex on our first date after some kissing. It felt completely out of the blue. I didn’t go with it because the moment didn’t feel right for me. I then initiated sex on the second date. Very hypocritical of me.I know. I had been single for 3 years and really felt so lonely and needed some connection with someone in my life. I learnt about her past and found it a bit too hard to accept. She had a boyfriend and a casual fling with no protection.I’m so in love with my girlfriend and know that I made wrong decisions along the way too. There was an incompatability with our value system in regards to sex. Her upbringing was not as loving and moralistic as mine but she is a beautiful person who has a clear mind and is capable of unconditional love. I can’t let go of her past and sometimes wonder if I have made the right choice staying together. We are very compatible and get along really well though. I feel conflict inside and I’m not sure if I’m expressing this properly. It can be too challenging for me at times. I want to love and respect her more and accept her mistakes and do it unconditionally but I’m going against my values etc. I don’t want to be right just happy with a clear mind. I try so hard to concentrate in the present but think about her past a lot. Will this ever go away for me.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3XG27HF2HY56OGDDVGCNE5ZB3E Michael

    When I know someone who have problems in moving on, I share them some quotes about moving on. It is simple gesture but I know it can help them cope up and live life.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    This is a tough situation. On the one hand, if you focus on the present, the past won’t be as relevant, because you’ll be seeing and enjoying her for who she is now. On the other hand, you have a right to make choices about who you are with based on your values and beliefs. So you need to ask yourself, what do you want more: to be with her, or to be with someone whose past parallels yours?

    If you want to be with her, then that means loving and accepting her unconditionally, knowing that her past made her who–so even if she’s made what you would consider to be mistakes, she wouldn’t be this compatible woman who you love so dearly now if she hadn’t made them. Everything before shaped who she is now.

    If you find that you keep dwelling on her past, perhaps it’s a sign that you need to let go and find someone who you can accept fully. There’s nothing wrong with that–you just need to find the courage to acknowledge what’s true for you and then honor it.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Antara

    what should a person do when all these are not working, i feel scared to go to my room, i cant close my eyes… I never dreamt tht this would happen

  • Fred

    Thank you Lori for such an insightful perspective. I just thought when I fall  in love that everything would fall into place. That I would love everything about the person. My girlfriend isn’t the  person I would have initially chosen for myself, because of my values and expectations. I think some force of nature forced us to be together in order to awaken something in both of us that was lacking. She didn’t know what real intimacy was like and I held on to really strong beliefs and values that have served me very lonely, troubled and isolated years in my life. I have been in relationships with girls who have the same values, however the love and bond was not strong enough. I thought that holding on to the these values that they would steer me into the right direction and attract the right person. Maybe my values were outdated  or unreleastic at my age or too inflexible. I remember when I felt I was letting go of the the conditions and expectations I put on love, my girlfriend came into my life. I was on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend at one point and was awaken to the idea by a family friend that there was a single girl who was interested in a serious relationship. I was given her number but I never called because I still had unresolved feelings for my girlfriend.My girlfriend called me again during this break and told me that she cannot imagine her life without me and I felt the same. I want  to believe that I made the right decision not calling that other girl because  it didn’t feel right but the family friend has mentioned  a few times that I should have gone out for a coffee with this other girl. I wan’t to eliminate doubt, confusion and  regret in my life.We have now cultivated a wonderful life together. Do we need to be flexible with our values when love is invited in our lives. When the person before us is amazing and treats us with respect and love and with support but doesn’t fit the exact guidelines we have in our head?
    Fred

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Fred,

    I think this is such a tough question to answer, because it’s probably different for everyone. We just need to trust and follow our instincts. It sounds like you have done just that. I know for me personally, there are certain things that I need in a partner–love and respect are the biggest. 

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Shan 62

    Everytime I let go of my love he comes back and wants another chance. Being that I love him I always want to believe him. He gets close then off again. I am devestated again. I live this rollercoaster and seem to be in a constant state of shock and grief. And still I hope. Just dont know how I am going to get my act togeather. Any suggestions would be appreciated

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I would ask you this: What would you tell a friend if she came to you and said the same thing, about her life? What advice would you give her? Odds are this is what you know you need to do for you–you just need to find the courage to do it.

  • Joe

    I was wondering if you can help me out with a little dilemma I am having right now.  The mother of my child and I are parting ways after 5 years, and she wants to be close friends.  I don’t know that I can handle it, I feel in a sense that that would be allowing her to “have her cake and eat it too.”  I realize that the situation may be better for our child, but I really don’t know if I can handle it…I’ve always been an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person.  That doesn’t solve the problem right away, but it’s always helped me in time.  I know I’ll always be linked to her obviously, but I was thinking more along the lines that I don’t communicate verbally with her unless it directly involves our daughter…especially initially (text messaging is a beautiful thing).  I feel like if I continue to remain close to her that I may never let go, or it will at the very least take soooo much longer.  I want to do what’s best for my daughter, but at what expense?  It’s not going to be good for her if I am depressed and empty and just going through the motions because I am hung-up on the feelings that i’m still in love with her mother.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Joe,

    I’m not sure if you saw my response to your comment on my other post, so I am pasting it here:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce (or break up). I can understand why
    you’d want to maintain distance when it’s not related to your daughter.
    I would say to give yourself some time. There will be a point when you
    no longer hold out hope of reconciling, and at that point, you will likely be ready for
    a closer relationship, for your daughter’s sake. It may take a while,
    but it will happen eventually. Until then, I’d say give yourself time and space to heal and let go.

    Much love,
    Lori 

  • insight..

    Hi, I love this 40 steps on how to let go. I would like to share my experiences and get some feedback…

    My situation in a nut shell is: I am 23, I have a mother that gave me up when I was young yet lives across town, I was abused as a child, and I was abused by almost every relationship I’ve ever been in. I recently finalized my divorce from an abusive husband. AKA I am horrible at picking relationships, even with everyday normal people.
     
    I have been stuggling with many emotional issues- It seems like I keep trying to do exercises daily (Read quotes, vent to my best friend, write, tell myself everyday that things will be ok…anything I can do to help me smile) to keep my mind from wandering back into my past but it’s not getting better in some instances it is getting worse. One undesirable emotion that is taking over me is jealousy. I started dating someome (which may not have been the best idea coming out of a marriage) but he is wonderful and honestly with all my baggage I’m suprised he is still around…. I saw a therapist for many months after seperating with my husband and I seemed to be getting better and I thought I had the tools to move forward. Now as my boyfrend and I get more serious it’s like I am freaking out. Not because I’m afraid of a relationship I think it is because I can’t get over my past. I sincerly do not want to blame him or treat him like others did to me before him. He has never done anything to hurt me but I feel like everyone is out to get me. How do I let go before I lose him? He is my best friend, he has helped me in the lowest  times of my life and honestly I do not have the strength to lose someone else I deeply care about… I have no family and few friends and I feel like my past is getting the best of me and I need it to stop.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. My heart goes out to you! I know how difficult it can be to trust and move beyond a painful past. I would say that the best thing you can do is focus on your own healing, without putting pressure on yourself about whether or not you’ll lose him. You can only be where you are at this point in your process, and if he knows your past and has been there for you, he likely understands your needs right now. That’s not to say it’s a guarantee he will always be there–it just means that you can only control what you do. If you focus on taking care of your needs, you will be doing the best thing you can do for yourself and the relationship. I know it isn’t easy, but you’ve been through so much, and you’ve lived to tell. You will keep getting stronger, I know!

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Caitlin

    I love this. It’s very helpful. I’m having trouble figuring out the reason I can’t let go though, so I keep coming back to it. I can move on for so long, but I always return to the reason I can’t move on. As a result I never get anywhere.

  • Deankrys

    All those suggestions helped just reading them. little things of just rewarding yourself with time out with your friends and family. And most importantly Don’t give the power of thought to someone who is not even thinking about you. Move on and in the words of NIKE just do it.!!!!!!! It’s just exhillirating just Do it

  • Marieonthego

    Uplifting blog, thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. =)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2XQW6EOCTLAG3UBFQT5ML5HKFA Sherrie

    The rubberband trick is something i have learned to do to control my anxiety and prevent me from panic attacks.  It works.  It is not self mutilation… it is simply a reminder to stay in the present and not go to the negative place that causes us pain.

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  • Babydiggz

    Great technics..thank you.! I sometimes dont know how to let go or just simply move on & release my anger in a healthy matter.after reading this i now have an idea on how too. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome! 

  • Enn Joy

    dude…u need to stand up and tell her that u need closure….u need to talk…if she cant provide that then i dun think she really cares about what u feel….try emailing her….writing it down in a letter….watever…just do it

  • Kittymilan16

    Love it!!!

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  • Rachel

    i totally know what this guest person is saying… reading this post i think yep, i do all these things in some measure, but yet to find a way to let go completely. I’ve ended the abusive relationships… but find myself estranged from my family (as a few of them are the abusive people), and doing my very best not to mourn the loss of a past love who is the only person in my lifetime to make me feel at peace. I’m tired, of how hard feel is because I can’t seem to fully let go. life is very lonely as a result. 

  • Charone234

    I really found this to be a helpful start in my journey to let go and take charge of my life again….I had no control and felt trapped to an abuser of me physically, mentally, emotionally, morally, and just all around generally. I believe following these techniques will help me to start a new life while I’m still young!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great! I’m so happy that you feel empowered to make that choice for yourself. 

    Lots of love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Rachel,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling and that you feel lonely as a result. I know that I am a stranger on the Internet, but if I can help in any way, I am here.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Micaraman

    Thanks for he simple things ! It takes time to change, but I am trying ! Good start ! 

  • http://www.peppervirtualassistant.com Nicole Lim

    What an awesome post! I felt really relieved and happy after reading this. I can totally relate, Lori. I’ve been in a very complicated situation with somebody for a year and 3 months. And just 4 months ago, I decided to end whatever it is even if it’s really not what my heart wants. This is the perfect quote for that situation: “Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.”. I really felt hopeless, depressed and lost.
    But there came a time that I realized that I should stand up from that fall and move on. Honestly, I am not really that okay just yet, but I know I am on the right track to my full recovery. Rest assured that I’ll follow your tips and I am really thankful that I bumped into your great post. More power! :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped, Nicole! Break-ups are so hard, and I think just being on the right track is something to be proud of. I know it isn’t easy!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • lost

    I totally agree with your quote I am going through a relationship in which we keep hurting one and other. I am lonley and depressed. I fill he is my other half and best friend so it is so hard to let go, but I know what needs to happen. I love so much and keep getting hurt, I need to let go and realize we are not meant to be together, these quotes were very helpful.

  • RH

    Lori,

    This is extremely helpful and inspirational. If you could shed some light on “How to deal with emotional stress that comes from having an illness.” I feel like at times, I let it totally consume me and its hard to break out of the funk at times.

    I am 25 and its been with me since I was 20. Its not so much the physical pain – its the emotional stress that it generates; just knowing that I am not 100% healthy and I dont know when I will get there?

    Much appreciate it!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi RH,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with an illness. I know that must make it really difficult to plant yourself in the present moment, since you’re dealing with so much uncertainty about your health. Do you practice yoga or meditate? It might help to consider your emotional well-being as big a priority as your physical health–to make emotional self-care one of the most important pieces of your daily routine. That’s something I’ve learned to do through the years, and it makes a big difference.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Jghaze

    Like this need.to.print or buy.the book

  • Lak

    I am have been reading a lot about how to ‘let go’, change oneself and be happy and I think you have done a great job of writing about it so well. I know one thing now…it would require a great deal of ‘sacrifice’ on my part for any real change to happen. Am I ready to sacrifice the beliefs, the attitudes, the ideas and the behaviour patterns that been a part of me for 40 odd years? More than anything, I want to be happy and be in a happy relationship. But it would mean ‘humbling’ myself; it would mean ‘giving in’ and it would also mean ‘not being me’. How do I solve this problem, this dichotomy between wanting to change and becoming something that is/would not be me?     

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lak,

    This is an interesting question–and you’ve inspired me to write about this! I am going to write a “Tiny Wisdom” post about this topic this week, so other people can also read my response. It will have the word “sacrifice” in the title.

    Namaste,
    Lori

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  • RH

    Hi Lori,

    Thanks for the response. I do infact practice meditation, just got back into it. I definitely feel that it “centers/calms” me down to a certain aspect – at least mentally. That being said, the physical symptom still persists and thats what consumes me – DAILY!

    For example, I love to travel and be social and try new things, but I have noticed that I cant, or I wont do these because of my own mental barriers.

    Thanks again!
    Russ.

  • Portajon

    hahahahahaha… laughter is happy love thanks needed that

  • Nina

    Thank you Lori…this was helpful…I have been longing for twenty years for a past boyfriend I consider to be the “love of my life” and the most exciting man I had every known. I made a lot of mistakes and would behave oh so differently had I the opportunity to do it again, but I don’t. I am now married, but not really happily, so I fantasize about the “lost love”…Any suggestions are welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nina,

    You’re most welcome. I think you’re asking for suggestions to let go of the lost love, but I think that you’re unhappily married is a separate situation. Of course if you’re not happy in your marriage you’ll long for that exciting, passionate love you knew 20 years ago.

    I have some questions for you (that you don’t need to answer for me):

    -How long have you been unhappy in your marriage?
    -Why do you stay in an unhappy marriage?
    -Do you believe you can have another “love of your life”?
    -If you believe that you can, what’s stopping you from opening yourself up to it? (By leaving this relationship that doesn’t make you happy?)

    I think if you could start to answer these questions for yourself, it might be easier to let go of what you had, because you won’t feel like your future will inevitably pale in comparison to your past.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Guess1986

    These are things i am goin to try, im finding it very very difficult to let go of a very abusive relationship..he has let go and i am still holding on, im angry and i cant forgive him and let go..im blaming him for everything going wrong in my life and i am stuck..i want to rid myself of this angry and move on. I dont want to give him any more chances to hurt me. Letting go is so hard.

  • Lewis

    THis sound silly that i am stress, because of my corrupted pc data, well i feel better, since i blame it on karma (its bcuz of the karma muahaha, well maybe its real karma after all because when i get this corruption, i refuse to go to monastery with my mom ). But i feel even much more better after i read this

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Good for you for trying to let go. Ironically, it can be so hard to walk away from someone who has beat you down mentally or physically because abusive relationships often make us feel worthless and needy. (I’ve been there before.) I hope you’re being patient with yourself. If you want to let go of your anger, that’s a great first step!

  • Lea

    Thank you so much for all the words of advice of letting go including the posted comments. I have a very dear friend who is going through a rough heartbreak and letting go has been the biggest challenge for him even though he was treated so awful…not to mention he is a genuinely sincere man…These are words that will help him understand that it will be alright. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It doesn’t sound silly at all! Computer stuff can be frustrating. I’m glad this helped you feel better. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Lea. It can be so difficult to move on from a relationship–I have been there! Sending love and light to both you and your friend. ~Lori

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  • Jodi

    Hi Lori,  I love this!!!  I would like to add this list into a yoga workbook I’ve made for people in Recovery.  I would credit you and the source right up top, of course.  Would that be okay?  I would appreciate an email response at jodi@caryyoga.com.  Thanks so much! 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jodi,

    Absolutely–feel free to add it to your workbook! I would appreciate it if you would include the website URL. Happy Wednesday. =)

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/GoingGreensEasy Marilyn R Williams

    thank you for reminding me of ways to let go and giving me a few new ones. there is a lot for me to let go and I need all of the solutions possible…have a great day!

  • Elizabeth

    Lori. You touch my heart, woman. Your blog has been such a gift to me. Better than any therapy I’ve ever had. Thank you…so much.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Elizabeth. =)

  • Lorieromulo

    I found this helpful, i am in a situation where my partner cheated on me and the painful part is she is a friend of mine. Its only been two weeks but i feel so trapped for years already. I am trying to hold on and fix the relationship but am almost losing my grip and would just want to let go. I dont think its ever gonna end that we would always fight over it. That in my mind he would always defend her and understand her but never how i feel. That he loves her more than me. Hopefully we can still fix this for the kIds but if not probably the best way is to just let go in order to remove this feeling of being trapped. Oh my..

  • Mariojun3

    I just feel useless. From the outside, most people think i have it made. I have a good career, i’m educated, own a home, live with a beautiful girl….yet when i’m alone i feel lost. I cant seem to let go of the past. To a certain extent i don’t want to let go of it. i’m sorry for the things i’ve done and the pain i’ve caused.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    My heart goes out to you, as this sounds like such a tough, hurtful situation–and it only just happened. I can understand why you’d feel trapped. It may take a while to work through these feelings, particularly because there is so much uncertainty. I hope you have friends and family supporting you through this difficult time, and I hope you’re being kind to yourself. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can relate to everything you wrote. There have been many times in my life when I have felt this way. Have you talked to anyone about this? One thing that really helped me in the past was to work with a therapist. There were certain things I just couldn’t work through without some outside assistance. It really made a huge difference for me when I was badly hurting.

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  • Natalie

    Hi Linda
    I find it really hard to let go of things that go wrong in my life,  I play it over in my mind thinking what if i did it this way or that way. I just got married and had a beautiful day but there was a major problem with the dress on the morning and I just wish I had taken it to another dry cleaner than the one I did. I know I am sounding over the top but I just worry all the time about the little things in life

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Natalie,

    I can understand that instinct to worry. It’s something I have to work at, too. There’s a post on the site that might be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-incessant-worrying/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Claudia

    This says to hang a sign somewhere saying “Loving myself means letting go.” Another great quote is from the movie Adaptation “You are what you love, not what loves you.” I hung this in my room in very colorful letters after ending a 5-year relationship. It helps remind me that there are many things in my life to love, not just that person that is so hard to let go of. A year later, it is still very very hard for me. I wish all of you better luck.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s a beautiful thought to remember. Thank you for sharing it here! I read somewhere once that it can take half the length of a relationship to fully move on from it. Five years is quite a while to be with someone. I know it’s such a cliche, but I really do believe that time heals all wounds.

  • Eeee

    I am starting my journey to recovery from a horribly confusing situation. I will definitely use these methods. I can no longer live in all of this “what if?” I have to let go of the past and be here right now. I must forgive the person I hate so much and move on…

  • Caradavin

    I like everything you wrote here. And, I read you post about painful breakups. I guess I’m still in the grieving process since I’ve been crying lately and just want to know why. But, I can’t force him to tell me anything and I can’t force him to love me in return. I wish I could flush the feelings away and just be strong. At least, when I am feeling up to it, I can use your advice.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean. Sometimes letting go isn’t the easiest thing to do. Sometimes we have to let go of the same things over and over again–but the good thing is that this means even when we struggle, we always have another choice.

  • dan jay

    hooray!

  • http://www.saveyourcomments.com/where-to-find-your-next-relationship/ Jess L

    Pretty good tips here. I have recently gone through a tough breakup after a long relationship and having a good support system, i.e. friends and family have helped along with TIME.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Jess. It’s such a cliche, but time really does heal all wounds.

  • http://milano.bbakeca.com/bakeca-donna-cerca-uomo/milano-1 Donne Milano

    Great advices! No 13 is so true!

  • Angiejines

    My mom says that when im thinking negative and when i have a bad feeling just pray it would work and release stress. You cant force a relationship.

  • Gems

    I tried just putting my anger away in my head,but it would always pop up here and there. Finally I have let go of that and confronted my past, I feel such a great weight lifted off my shoulder. Such great advice thanks for making my life that much closer to peace and happiness Much <3

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • Molu

    I am not able to let go my love after we broke up almost 1 year back….Always I disturb him with my calls…I know that if I truly love him, I should not disturb him or be a hinderance to his bright future….But I am not able to hold back my desire to talk to him….I love him more than anything else in this world….I don’t feel like moving on further in life….

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Molu,

    Have you told anyone you trust about how you feel? If you’re not feeling
    like moving on further, I would highly suggest you talk to someone
    about this. It may not seem like it right now, but things will get
    better. You just need to ask for help. Have you done that–or can you?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • mss85

    Thank you for this! I’ll be printing it out and keeping it nearby. Somewhat like someone below… I found this by googling “how do i let go of my anger,” after losing my job, my partner, and with those, my sense of stability and belief in myself. As the physical aspects of my life improved, I’ve still found it hard to let go of the pain, insecurity, and, yes, the anger, which I think as women, can at times be the most difficult. I know it’s a process and it will take a lot of time… but these tips will hopefully make it a little easier. I also agree with some of the comments below, that there are times when we cannot resolve the past and gain closure with others. Sometimes it feels like everything is loss, and I suppose that’s when it is the most important to look forward. If those things are already gone and all that’s left behind is something that might pull us down with it, then it’s better to let go entirely. For myself, I think I’m still having a hard time dealing with my anger and pain directly, and maybe I should prepare for closure with others rather than striving to heal without this. I still can’t imagine looking my ex in the face, and I want so much to let go of that pain and the daily pain I haven’t yet been able to let go of, despite a great new job and a wonderful, supportive group of friends. I’m not ready to confront her yet… but I hope some of your other tips will help me to build my strength, believe in myself again, and release some of my pain and anger.

  • Lakshmy

    can i send u a mail personally?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Molu,

    Unfortunately, I am not qualified to help if you feel like you can’t move on in life–but I want to support you as best as I can! I can send you some resources so that you can get the help you need. Would you be open to that?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad these tips helped! I think that when it comes to letting go, it’s often a mini grieving process, and things truly do get better with time. It sounds so cliche to say it, but that’s always how it’s worked for me. I also think letting go is a daily, sometimes moment-to-moment practice. Letting go forever is a massive task; letting go in this one moment is much simpler and less overwhelming.

  • Lakshmy

    Its not about getting help….I don’t have anyone to share my worries….Its fine…..Thanks for ur replies….

  • Broken-hearted

    Just been on my first breakup recently, a relationship that lasted for 2+ years. It was really tough, never expected it to be this way. But I realized, the more I dwell in the situation, the more painful it is. Then I started searching online, how to let go and I found this blog. Glad I did. As I try to follow the steps, the less pain I feel inside. Thanks

  • http://www.venturigroup.it/ Articoli per Neonati

    Over the past few weeks, I have been feeling powerless and the needy and to read the two posts to help me get a better grasp and feel better. Keep posting such kind of things here.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help work through your feelings? I saw one when I was younger, and it helped me work through a lot of fears and anxiety I’d been carrying around for years.

    What’s nice about meeting with a professional is that it will help you form your own insights, whereas advice from other people may be comforting in the short-term, but it generally doesn’t provide lasting relief.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this helped!

  • Lakshmy

    I’ll surely get in touch with one….I need to get rid of this mental pains….

  • http://forahotdate.com Maxxi

    Good advice. Rule of thumb when falling in love “don’t give your all”. If you want to give advices please visit my site. There are people who need you.

  • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com Post Divorce Chronicles

    Love this!!!  Thank you.

  • Grazp

    A good thing to remember if you feel like there is something wrong with you or that you are weak for still being in love with your ex, is that, in fact, makes you special because you were strong enough to not fear that level of love entering into your heart unabashedly.
    Many people don’t have this capacity.

  • Grazp

    It has been so unbearable for me. Eight years with a woman I love with everything in me. I never thought I could feel so low. I’m physically and mentally ill, can’t stop crying, and we have not had one discussion since she left me. I’m so crushed and I’m sick of this. I’m a family man without a family. Both my brothers found their wives decades ago, and thought this last one was the one. She acts like she never knew me and couldn’t care less about my pain. I just can’t take it, anymore. I lost more than her. I lost complete faith in life’s purpose. It means nothing. I take no pleasure in anything and people can read the pain on my face even if I’m just making small talk. I am acceptinf the truth in just letting go that life means anything and this is where I will find peace. There is no point and no one xan know what this person was to me, as I can’t know what the person you lost meant to you. Love can be so incredible but the price is just overwhelming.

  • lex

    I was just thinking the same thing in the last line you wrote…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry for your pain Grazp.

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  • Grace

    Wisdom for the new year – thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://www.michellesedas.com Michelle Sedas

    Excellent list. Well done. It’s time for me to do a little letting go.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Michelle, and Happy New Year!

  • Melina Kardell

    i love it!!!! very helpful and TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped Melinda! =)

  • Haasole13

    Its been 4 yrs since going through a major break up (11 yrs ). I am married and pregnant and totally in love with my husband. Ive stayed friendswith my ex, and ot was fine until recently when he began a relationship suddenly we cant communicate as much ( it was like once a week or 2 weeks ). Im so hurt bc i made time and now he cant. Im very happy for him but hurt. We both did hurtful things in our relationship but o still care. The thought of completely saying goodbye hurts so badm what do i do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I know this must be difficult. Letting go is never easy. It may help to ask yourself some questions to understand what exactly you’re holding onto. These questions might help (you don’t have to answer them for me–they’re for you):

    -What do you get from maintaining this friendship with your ex–what is the benefit of staying in contact?

    -What do you fear will happen if you say goodbye?

    -Is there a part of you that wants your ex to be single, even though you’re happily married? And if so, why?

    -Is there something from your relationship that you feel you never got closure on?

    -How might your life improve if you accepted that it’s time to let him go?

    I hope this helps a little!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Jurviene

    This has helpef a lot!!!!!!!:)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it helped! =)

  • Steve

    Good tips. Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Mindrangr

    This is going to sound morbid but I’m glad to be reading this because my divorce left me in much the same way. Devasted!! 6 months later and I still burst out crying. I already forgave her as much as I can. Now I just want to feel normal again. A friend told me letting go was my problem so here I am. Good luck to you.

  • Hopeless in Dallas

    I feel resentment currently for someone who I WAS in love with, and felt did me wrong. Although she apologized, and I felt it was genuine, it still lingers, and causes me to lash out at times. She is an amazing person, but realizing that we will never go further, or be together has been crushing to me. All I have ever wanted was to love her, and receive the same in return. However, it’s been far from 50/50, and I am slowly starting to realize that maybe I just don’t need her in my life at all. It’s not what I want, but unfortunately I feel it’s what is best. More importantly, best for me.

  • Deejay

    It is very natural to feel resentment so don’t beat yourself over it.Open yourself up for unconditional love,true love is unconditional and has no opposite feelings,there is no pain in unconditional,nothing to loose but to give.Before you can love anyone unconditionally,u need to love yourself first unconditionally,forgive yourself for not trying harder to keep her,forgive yourself for loosing yourself to your soulmate and honor yourself enough to take care yourself first.I know how hard it can be.These soul connections seem unfair,but the main purpose of this relationship is to teach you that love is in you and always has been,don’t look for in in another person,the belief that another person will complete us is wrong,that’s why everybody feels so lost.get rid of that false belief.pray to god to enter your life and you will feel the difference.

  • Gabby

    I have, allow me to rephrase…am going thru such a hardship. Lost my job a few months back. Although I have years of accounting and clerical behind me the job market is very poor. In addition, I have done nothing but dwell on the situation. Why? Why did I leave such a great paying job to accept this one? To be the only woman in a warehouse then be terminated for “Well…we have just decided not to keep the position”. Being an Office Manager and accepting the position after the previous woman too was terminated I should have known not to accept it. I was 2nd choice for them. In addition, I have held so many grudges and felt so revengeful for everyone in my life that has hurt me. It has made me hate several people, hate myself, made my attitude terrible, and made me so angry and bitter. I am only 34 and sometimes I just wish everyone that has caused pain to me would suffer so much hurt back. 

    This website was found a few days ago. It has offered me so much insight. The available reading and self help on here as really allowed me to help change my perspective on so many issues. Great things come to everyone. No matter what your situation is, it will get better. You must remain optimistic. Never hold grudges as it makes you someone like me (or someone like I do not want to me anymore). 

    Things will get better for me. Someone will see my skills and education. I will better my attitude and outlook on life. Bad things happen but we all must get past them and realize not everyone is perfect. I have tried so hard to be. Number 4. is my favorite: “4. Channel your discontent into an immediate positive action—make some calls about new job opportunities, or walk to the community center to volunteer.”. I am joining or have at least submitted an application for CASA for our local county. It is a Court Appointed Special Advocate for abused and neglected children. Beings I do not have children of my own someone needs to speak up and be there for children in need. Try whatever means necessary to keep them out of the foster care system. I want to pay back what I have missed so many years of being bottled up and not caring. Plus it will keep me busy and allow me to help others and help families. Even when I find a position it is volunteer and I work that around my work schedule.

    Thank you for this website and I look forward to checking on hear DAILY for various new posts, blogs, and articles on everyday self help, daily motivation, and assistance. Everyday will get better. I am being optimistic and because of that I have received two calls for interviews. Now I just need to blow them away in the interview process. That is a weakness. I get so nervous. 

    Again thanks.

    Gabby

  • Benman44

    This is really good stuff! I always have rough patches….We all do and this is all part of it. Coming together and working to try and let stuff go. My favorite way to get rid of it is to just put less emotional weight on what people feel about me.

    Ben Winters CEO
    TeachMeAwesome . com

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  • StephanieClair

    Being able to love without fear is a gift.  I agree with what you said about “being strong enough to not fear that level of love.”  Good for you!  I hope you find someone someday who will appreciate you. 

  • Phil Mazure

    After 20 years of perfect marriage with a wonderful life, wife and two beautiful kids, 3 days ago my wife told me that she had given me all the love she could and there is no turning back we are splitting!  All my friends and myself include are in total disbelief. What seems so right finished abruptly so wrong!  C’est la vie!  I will positive from this point on! Thanks! 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry Phil! I’m inspired by your upbeat attitude. You are in my thoughts!

  • User01

    Over the past 12 years I have LET GO of all kinds of things:  Relatives, Religion, Holidays, Expectations, Controlling others, Assuming things about others, etc. etc. So my life now is so much lighter and simpler.  I tell the people who can’t accept me now to LET IT GO.  Those are the most powerful words that have blessed my life so far.    With LOVE,

  • YMONEY264

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  • Danny651

    Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

  • Thok2012

    I just got out of an mentally abusive relationship . We didn’t talk about our problems often he didn’t want to . He would blame himself how he treated me & apologize but still continue . I walked away without looking at him and never looked back I completely shut down . He’s not tried to call , contact or apologize which I find is disturbing because does he not care ? but on the other hand it’s peaceful to not have to deal with the drama … But I’m still dealing with it in my head . How can I find peace of mind ???

  • Thok2012

    Please help

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Thok,

    I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. I have been there before, and
    I know how hard it can be to heal from emotional abuse. A big part of
    us wants to get away, and yet we also feel drawn to what’s familiar. It
    might take a while to fully heal from this experience. My best advice is
    to give yourself time and space to do the work. That might mean seeing a
    professional to work through your feelings. It might mean starting some
    type of contemplative practice, like yoga or meditation. For me, it
    entailed both. If you tend to your mind in these ways, you will start to
    experience peace of mind more often. You might still struggle
    internally, but you will likely find it happens less and less over time.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Brittany

    I’m going through the same thing. My mental strength has gotten so bad from my past abusive relationship that I now worry about every little thing and have obsessive thoughts about anything. I even see a therapist every week but I don’t feel like it’s enough. I wish I knew a way to just let all of this pain/worry/hurt go and live my life how I used to, so happy and loving.

  • Thok12

    Thank you … What’s really hard I was close to his family & his 13 yr old son still contacts me to talk because he misses having a mother figure around … His family doesn’t know we are not together this just happened a week ago … Do I completely withdraw from the family too ?

  • Thok12

    I fully understand that … I try to get out among people but I’m not complete anymore !!! I rather sit in my apt all wknd & be alone & watch tv !!! I’m trying to stay busy but I just dont feel better … I am exhausted

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s a tough situation. It might be easier to make a clean break if you do that. What do your instincts tell you is best?

  • shaky dignity

    This has given me perhaps the perspective I needed.  I bottle up so much that it has started affecting me physically – throwing up every morning “often times with blood in it”, not digesting food, apathy, nightmares and wake up every morning nausiated, shaking and crying, deep seeded anger, mistrust combined with sheer apathy.  I found myself slowly and quite recently adapting to this – ie: started doing yoga, exercising, crafts, etc…. The other night I actually threw a glass against the wall, shattering it everywhere (The next morning was the first time in a long time I have not vomitted from stress) Although this wasn’t the most productive way to express my feelings, it was a sure sign that I need help.  I feel like its killing me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m glad this helped you, and I hope you’re able to get help and support from the people around you. It sounds like you’ve had some horrible symptoms, and my heart goes out to you. I’m sending lots of love and good thoughts your way!

    Lori

  • Carm E Nita

    where else am i able to find a copy of your book?

  • TT2012

    I have a problem with over sensitivity. Most of the people I meet, I feel a connection of friendship, I tend to be amiable and love seeing people happy. Over the years, I have lost tons of friends because I would do them paintings or get nice gifts to surprise them, just so I could get some sense of acknowledgment or acceptance. I guess when you give people things or perform some form of action, you can’t expect anything in return. Which I try rather hard not to..Unfortunately, I am always too overwhelming and perhaps lose their friendship since I am suffocating them. I am always an option, never a choice because people know I’ll always be there for their back and call. The main problem here, is that I am absolutely hopeless and clueless on how to deal with people walking out of my life. sometimes, i would contact the friends who lost touch with me,to ask how they are or wish them a celebratory occasion..But often, none replies. ( which is why I also have issues with facebook, because I will check when their last updates were to see how much of a non-priority I am).

    I know this sounds very self centered or narcissitic..But that is not my intention at all. I really really want to change, move on and start living for myself and not for others..

    Can someone please guide me and suggest ways that I could work on this?
    When is giving too much? What constitutes a good friend?I never turn anyone away but if I needed help, there is no one I can talk to..Is this expecting too much? Is this a bad attitude or perspective?

    Please help.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You can find it on Barnes and Noble, on Amazon, and in a number of independent book stores. There are some links here: http://tinybuddhabook.com =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I could absolutely relate to what you wrote, because I’ve felt that way before too. I always felt like I was trying so hard because deep down I felt lonely, and really wanted more from people. I also gave a lot expecting I’d get in return, but even if I did get something, it never felt like enough.

    My best advice is to address the issue, not the symptom. The symptom is being oversensitive, feeling like you need more approval from people than you’re getting. The issue might be low self-esteem (that’s what it was for me) or it may be something else. I suggest taking some time to look within, whether that means meditating or spending some time in nature–so you can form some conclusions about why you feel that instinct to suffocate people (which I can also really relate to!) And also, why you may struggle to give yourself your own approval.

    I find that when I’m trying too hard–which I might think is just me being kind–I actually push people away. When I’m more assured in myself, and less desperate for their connection and approval, people are more apt to gravitate toward me. I suspect it’s because this lets them know we are coming to each other as two strong equals–not them and me, someone who appears to be insecure and needy.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • lonewolfncub

    Hi Lori, thank you so much for this piece. It immediately saved me from sinking too deep. It’s been nearly two years and I still feel the loss. 

    How you described yourself in the past reminds me of her actually. I met her nearly three years ago–we were both American expats living in Hong Kong–and dated for about a year. From the beginning, she was honest with me: she told me she has some personal issues such as self-loathing and desire for independence, which for one reason or another has always eluded her (her mother is overbearing, she’s jumped from relationship to relationship for nearly a decade from age 19 on). She told me she usually doesn’t feel too happy.

    But as our relationship went on she gave signs that I have “made a difference”, that I’m not just another one of her string of relationships. She told me that, aside from her parents, I have affected/touched her life the most out of anyone, that my own independence and self-assuredness were traits she admired and wanted, that I made her feel warm and that didn’t really happen with her previous boyfriends. 

    About a 20 months ago she decided to leave Hong Kong, a place she was never too happy in or felt as home. She moved to the east coast, as a soul-searching, self-exploration type of thing. I gave her the space she needed: we came to this agreement that she’d go first, and then, if/when she is ready and wants me there, I’d move over and be with her. 

    I told her I’d be okay if she realized she didn’t want me there (I said that mostly because I wanted to give her space, deep down I was madly, madly in love with her and fearful of losing her). She would reassure me, over and over, that she loved me, that she don’t see feeling for anyone else what she felt for me, and hinted that it’s just a matter of time until she will ask me to move over.

    So we did long distance for two months, during which she showed no signs of loving me less, nor did we drift apart–we emailed/chatted/called everyday…but then one day, she just broke it off–although not officially: she said she has too many issues to work out of, that she needs to be alone to find herself, that she hopes, in a year or two, when she heals herself, she’ll come find me.

    That was how she ended things, through an unofficial breakup that left the door open for the future. I stayed out of her way, cutting off contact, but one night 3 months later, I messaged her randomly because i had missed her so much, and she told me to “forget what she said before”, that it’s over, she doesn’t want me to “hold out hope”. 

    “People change,” she said in the chat. “But I want you to know that I will always care about you, and I honestly wouldn’t say that to anyone else but you and my family.”

    Since then, I’ve cut off most contact. Defriended on facebook, blocked on chat. Not because I hate her, but because I am still so in love with her I cannot bear to have the daily reminders. I worry about seeing a facebook feed showing a pic of her with another guy. 

    Every 3-4 months, I’d email her, very briefly, just to say hi and do a short, 2-3 sentences catchup, because I don’t want us to be complete strangers, because I want her to know I’ll always care for her.

    But it’s been nearly 20 months since she “broke it off” and i still can’t let her go. I alternate between being mature, thinking “I should be happy that she found herself, that she’s happy and indepedent”, and bitter/sad/angry over how unfair i was treated and how the world is so unfair: that, because she’s a pretty girl and i’m just an average looking guy, will definitely move on and find someone else before me–in fact, i’m sure she has already.

    I’ve tried going out with other girls, but it makes things worse. I’m constantly reminded how these other girls don’t really measure up to her, either in looks or compatibility or intelligence. It’s not that I’m picky and snobby, it’s just… I am a bit of an introvert and it’s hard for me to connect with someone. 

    Last month, I contacted her on twitter a couple of times. She either gives one word responses or no response at all. She has completely moved on–I’m just another dude, one of maybe a dozen, that she’s dated. I’m almost sure she has someone new and is living a happy life.

    Most of me is happy for her. Really. I don’t have any negative or vengeful thoughts about her. But part of me… is jealous, and sad, and scared that I’m always going to be alone. 

    Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about her. It’s been 20 months, and I’m trying very hard to let go, but I can’t… just yesterday night, she popped up in my dreams again. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    You’re welcome for the post. My heart really goes out to you because I know it’s not easy to let go and move on. I also know what it’s like to fear you’ll always be alone.

    I couldn’t tell from reading your comment, have you been able to (or even interested in) putting yourself out there in the dating world to try to meet other women? It sounds like a big part of what’s keeping you stuck is the fear you won’t find someone else who you’ll feel a deep connection with. But you only create that possibility if you put yourself out there.

    This is also an opportunity to start a new relationship on a healthier footing, with someone who comes to you whole–not full of self-loathing and insecurity. That way, the relationship won’t be based on you being someone’s savior; it will be based on mutual trust and respect. It is possible for this to happen–but first you have to believe that.

    I was single for almost 8 years, in large part because I thought I didn’t deserve love, and I was dwelling on an old relationship in which I’d made a lot of mistakes. It wasn’t until I fully believed I deserved something better and I could have it that I finally met a great match. It might take time for you to get to that place. We all move on in our own time.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Islander

    Keywords i’m beginning to live by: Just let it go

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It’s a powerful mantra–it’s mine as well!

  • Lizmanley30

    Wish it was just as simple as reading these wise words.

  • Lizmanley30

    Life is hard. What if u can’t let go? And the mental abuse of the one u love is making u think ur crazy. U spend ur hole life giving and trusting. But come to find they only hurt u in the end? Never once have I had one person do rt by me. When all I did was give give give. I want to enjoy life. But to me it is torcher.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Liz,

    Are you able to leave this person who is mentally abusing you? I know it’s always far more easily said than done–and I absolutely understand how painful it can be to work through the conflicting emotions you feel in the aftermath of being abused (I have been there). We can’t change that we’ve been hurt before, but we can make choices that prevent pain in the future. Are you able to stop giving to this person and start giving to yourself?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • MLY

    I think you are a lot stronger than you think.  Many people don’t even want to talk about their problems, especially sensitive things like this.  It takes a brave person to speak up and share things with strangers.  I believe you will get through this.  I promise you that one day, you will look back at this very moment and tell yourself that this is the best decision that you have ever make..and that is to walk away from this man.  I did and I have never regret it.  It took me 6 painful years.  I wish I could said I have wasted my time but I don’t regret it.  I learned so much about myself and from him, I became a stronger person.  I have him to thank for where I am today.  The question you should ask yourself is, “Do I love myself enough to let this person torture me?”  Good luck!  

  • Ryls

    I know it probably doesn’t seem as bad as some other posts on here, but I was never in any kind of abusive relationship. I built up to the point of asking this girl out, but then I dated a less-than-respectable girl, (yeah, one might describe her as “easy”, I’m usually not even that type of guy) and it all just went downhill from there. She won’t forgive me, so I can’t forgive myself.
    Thoughts?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ryls,

    I think that whenever we’re dealing with our pain, it doesn’t really matter if someone else has it “worse.” Pain is pain! In other words, your feelings are totally valid.

    I know this might seem difficult right now, but I’d say the thing you need to do is exactly what you say you can’t–separate your forgiveness from hers. It might be easier to do that if you focus on letting her go, one day at a time. In this way, you’re not forgiving yourself to have a chance with her. You’re forgiving yourself to feel better about yourself–which you need to do before you can date anyone else again.

    We all make mistakes in life. I’ve made some dating choices I would never make in retrospect. It’s all part of getting older and learning. So long as you’ve learned from it, the experience was ultimately valuable.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • P Sahny

    I was in a very serious relationship with an amazing guy for a very long time period. Our families knew about us and we had decided to marry each other as soon as we finish college. He cheated on me eight months ago and dated the other woman for five six months. When she couldn’t give him the attention he demanded he broke up with her and came back to me. I thought god was giving us another chance to work on the love so I took him back. He accepts his mistake and apologizes for it profusely every single day. But I still haven’t been able to accept his past. I cry alone almost every single night without him knowing of it. He majesty huge efforts to make up for his misdeeds but I still can’t get over the betrayal. I still feel cheated. Help ?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break up, and the pain you’re dealing with now. How can I help?

  • P Sahny

    I’ve taken him back and I feel loved by him again but I still can’t accept his past with the other woman. I feel like a coward and a fool to have let him back into my life after he broke my trust once earlier on one hand and on the other I believe that God sent him back for a reason. How can I accept the fact that he made a mistake and I forgave him for it and now we have to live with the happiness destiny is offering to us today rather than delving into and pondering upon the bitter past

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think the first question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really want to be back in this relationship? Some people are able to forgive and forget, and some people forgive but can’t forget.

    I understand your instinct to believe there’s a reason he came back into your life. Maybe that reason is so you could learn to be strong and do what you know is right for you. Of course, only you know what is right for you.

    If you truly want to give this relationship another go, it might help to do some guided visualizations and meditations for forgiveness and healing. It might take time–these kinds of things do. But it will get easier.

    Love,
    Lori

  • Jebj1

    Wow, Phil, I wish I had your strength and courage. My wife left me last year after 13 years. It still hurts every day. We have 2 kids together and I feel that they have been cheated of a happy and whole family. I feel so empty, lonely, and hurt. I try to move on, but so much reminds me of her. I’m only 35 and I feel like this is it. This is how it’s always going to be.

  • Erphillips

    My husband and I had a falling out and are now seperated there was a lot if mistakes on both sides. The mental abuse slowly built up more me more along with other issues no physical abuse. But I am so angry I begged him not to go and repeatedly asked him to move back in which he said no too so now I am beyond pissed and now he wants to move back in but I am so hurt and angry I don’t know if u can forgive or mainly let go. How did I? I truly do love hi
    But I am Sib hurt angry and scared how do I let go I need to for not just us but for my sons and fir me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think the fact that you know you need to let go is a tremendous start. For most people, that’s the hardest part. I wrote another post that might be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • r.s.

    I had a partner for 13 years, came home and found him with someone in our home, this was last year April, after some make up sessions , finally he moved out about 8 weeks ago,  I don’t Love him anymore because I found out he had been cheating for 3 years with people on internet. he had been meeting them and taking pictures of them have intercourse.  How do move on and forget all this , with a person I trusted with all my beings.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened R.S. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. You may find some insight in this post:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

    You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • Hollayy123

    my mom finally got out of an emotionally abusive relationship with this man a month ago,and the things he did affected me too. (as the daughter of her) I find myself crying and getting angry whenever i think of him. We escaped his house after 2 years of this but it seems like he’s always in my life no matter what. Like to get my ADD medication, his name was on our nsurance provider, or i’ll see him walking his dogs out somehwere. (We still live in the same community) Confronting him isnt really an option, but i dont know what to do.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad you and your mom got out of that abusive situation, even if things aren’t necessarily easy right now. You are both in my thoughts!

  • MoonPig

    I’m feeling pretty low right now. My boyfriend (of 5 months and who makes me stupidly happy) told me today that he can see that I don’t trust him. I feel in my heart that I do trust him, but he pointed out to me that I check over his shoulder when he looks at his phone, and I get a bit edgy when he mentions his girl mates and his ex gf calls him a lot because they are friends but I’m struggling to accept that too. So clearly I do have some trust issues, but it’s not anything personal towards him, I’m sure its because of how my ex (of 6 years) treated me. He never trusted me and that made me untrusting of him and he would be very secretive and I found e-mails confessing his love to someone else and he kissed another girl too but didn’t admit until a year later. We broke up 11 months ago, and I feel like I am over him totally, but clearly some of the issues and habits are still with me, and I will do anything to not mess this new relationship up, he is amazing. How can I solve this?

  • Cha_rice

    Thanks I will start doing this as soon as possible

  • Brokenheart

    Thanks ! I got a lot of inspiration ! It really helped ! I had been crying for last 15 days – now and then that bitterness appeared and tears just rolled down. It was not my mistake at all – He being a married man – offered his love through smes and emails – I trusted him and his love and thought I will keep it a secret and will be true to him as what he did no one else ever did to me ! and one day before my eyes I saw his same expressions for another married woman – I was broken – I told myself – it was a good punishment for me – as may be I would have cheated his wife and children. Thank God I never showed it to him – but knew he loved me too ! Then I noticed his interest for many other women – now I was shattered – and at the same time he kept on showing how much he loved me and about 15 days back – a real  betrayal – I was totally broken ! Our common friends also supported him – knowing he was wrong every point of view ! Reading and understanding above techniques have stopped my tears at least !

    What not I had done – visited shrines – prayed to GOD , gave cahirty – but of no avail – betrayal was so insulting – that it was very difficult o bear. I had worshiped him for his false love ! anyhow – that was my destiny ! I think it’s enough of tears now – I should feel better and forget !

    Thanks for every thing ! BUDHDHA !

  • Snreds

    Easier said then done, when you think everyone sucks and is a POS. People are rude, inconsiderate wearing their headphones or burying  themselves in their smartphones. 

  • jw

    Felt like there is no hope for me. Very discouraging

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Why do you feel like there is no hope for you?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Do you believe that is true of all people? Is there anyone in your life who shows through their actions that they care?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m glad my post helped you!

  • hruben

    Just a quick update. I had a couple of spells cast on an ex of mine, he was my ex-boyfriend and an ex-business partner so I was doubly hurt. I never wanted to cause him physical harm but wanted him to suffer for what he had done to me. I went to the freemercytemple@yahoo.com  to cast a revenge spells on him,but i laugh because the spell that I requested still make me and my friend had a good laugh at the final outcome. I did eventually reverse all spells cast on him (yes I felt bad), but not before he had lost pretty much everything and moved in with his mom. Even his dog rejected him. The guy just couldn’t catch a break. The freemercytemple@yahoo.com just make him come to me for a hug forgiveness although he has lost everything i still pretty love him.

  • Jp

    Thank you for that. I put my heart and pride on the line to tell my crush how I feel and he rejected me. I still feel depressed about it. I try to remind myself that at least I took a chance and tried.

  • Jeanette Chennells

    Get real Lori. I vomited when I read this namby pamby babble.

  • http://www.selfhelpcollective.com Steve M Nash

    Let go of needing to know answers, needing everything to be “right”…

    Steve
    PS Great list! :-)

  • http://exbackreport.com/how-to-get-over-a-break-up Devin

    Great list. Do you mind if I republish some/all of this post? If it’s okay, let me know how to credit/linkback to you :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I don’t mind at all if you publish some of this list. I’d appreciate it if you’d mention this post is from Tiny Buddha, include my byline, and also include a link that reads “Read the rest of this post” so readers can find the whole post here. Thank you so much for asking!

  • TomL

    I’ve had a lot of anger and resentment towards my family.  They’ve treated me with such disrespect over the years and then they want to get together for holidays and pretend like nothing has happened.  A couple of years ago, for my own salvation, I had to cut them out of my life as it was too painful to keep incurring their thoughtless acts and painful words.  Here’s the thing, my mother is in her mid 80′s and I know she doesn’t have many years left.  I want to let go of all this hurt and anger, but it seems so hard to do.  I’ve tried some of the techniques listed above, but I find myself still thinking about the past.  I feel like if I just forgive them, it’s another invite to them to walk all over me again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Is there any way to have your mother in your life with stronger boundaries, so that she is not able to hurt you? I think that’s the biggest challenge when it comes to forgiveness and relationships: It’s much harder to do either if the relationship doesn’t change.

    I actually wrote another post that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-relationship-with-a-loved-one-who-has-hurt-you/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • laszrot

    The Messiah is really good with cases involving romance of making your lovely partner love you in your relationships. I should know. I went through two boyfriends with his help! The first time he told me to check under the bed and I found another girl’s bra! So I knew he was cheating on me and I dumped him quick. After that I was single and alone so I bought a spell to bring someone into my life. I believed in psychics and Tarot cards before, but I had never tried a spell. I met my current boyfriend shortly after i finished the spell casting as he instruct me. We’ve been together a year now the messiah contact  freemercytemple@yahoo.com  is really,really great!

  • Lv2terp

    FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • have to let it go

    if something keeps other people arnd u happy u have to let it go, u r nt weak n u cn lket it go may be u find smthin gud fr urself. bcoz ppl who keep othr happy nvr evr god ll do injustice fr dm

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/ZVAVALTVHXTQOZAC5E7P45DHQY donya

    Actually  I have a different angel of the story . 6 months ago I met someone who has anger issues against himself  and a huge regret   for what he did to his wife, He cheated on her and fell in love with another woman. he is divorced now. I feel sorry for him cause he lives in circles and dark thoughts.  He lives in pain since 2 years. He can’t let it go. My problem  that am  in love with him now . I tried my best to take him out of it. He made huge mistake those shaped him to be a much  better guy now . He deserve to forgive himself. Am  afraid my relation with him will complicate his life more.  He likes me but he can’t accept my love unless he forgive himself. I can see what type of person he is now. I feel like I know him very well, sometimes better than he does .
     I want  your advice . do you think I should run away and leave him  or shall I keep supporting him and expect him to release his anger  and be mine. I love him so much. 
     
    Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Donya,

    Has he told you that he can’t accept your love, or is this your conclusion? Does he recognize he needs to work on forgiving himself? Does it seem he’s willing to do that work? (You don’t need to answer these questions for me; they’re just for you to consider).

    If he is willing to help himself, perhaps you could suggest he speak with a therapist to work through his guilt.Ultimately, he needs to want to let go and forgive himself. No one else can do that for him. I know it can be frustrating when it seems like there’s nothing you can do, but you can do something: Support him. Be a friend to him. This might help him be kinder to himself.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • Iknowwhy07

    Beautiful way of expressing how to take a good direction in your life.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/ZVAVALTVHXTQOZAC5E7P45DHQY donya

    Thank you Dear ..he is seeing a consoler hope she is good as you :)

  • Davidevans2280

    Im going off to the military in a few months, and for the past month.. every so often, i start to cry my eyes because i dont want to lose the people i love :’( its bringing me into serious sleep deprivation and depression.. i just dont know how to deal with it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can only imagine how scary this must be. Have you opened up to the people you care about/let them know how you feel? I know that won’t change the fact that you’re leaving, but it might be comforting to you to let them in so you don’t need to carry these fears alone. 

  • Dennischamp13

    On number 28 when it said ” loving myself means letting go ” what do you do if you don’t love yourself ?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Dennis,

    Have you spent any time looking inside to ascertain why you don’t love yourself? When I was in my deepest phase of self-loathing, I was carrying around a lot of shame from my past. For me, the key to self-love has been learning to forgive myself. (Incidentally, this is something I still work at–I’ve been taking it one day at a time for years!)

    I wrote a post a couple years ago that you might find interesting:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-your-authentic-self/

    These ones may also help:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/love-yourself-accept-yourself-forgive-yourself/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-open-yourself-to-love-when-you-didn’t-grow-up-with-it/

    I hope this helps a little.

    Lori

  • Lovelife

    i understand too. im so scared that im going to make a fool out of myself bc im so caught up with all the streses of my life or somoene will do something that will hurt me and then i will start thinking about that constantly. I wish i was the same person i used to be i was happy. I came close and started seeing an old friend of mine but now hes gone too. For someone like me whose been abandoned by both my father and 4 year long relationship i feel like everyone is the same nobody has empathy until they themselves feel pain. But i realized my job is to keep myself happy no matter what i know its so stupid but i am a young 20 yr old blonde so pumping my arms and going “go kendra” helps mremeber that i have to be a strong woman and just keep going “do my own thang”

  • Thomas Carroll

    Thank You. I got so much from a few of these…. you don’t even know…. just, thank you!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! =)

  • Carmie

    You couldn’t put it better!

  • Meekameek

    this has helped me so much, I finally got the courage to leave someone whom i loved, but who treated me horribly, emotional abuse is hard to over come. Nothing is impossible, and reading this post and the testimony of others lets me kno that its happens to us all and that im not alone. the thing i stuggle with the most is my own errors of sticking around for six yearsbut i realize that what matters most is that, i waste no more energy or time dwelling on the past, i cry, i get angry, i say a prayer and get thru the day. A year from now im sure all that ive been soo upset about will be a luaghing matter, justgotta make it past the hard part which is now. The times when it seems the most painful are when i kno imaking the most progress. letting urself feel is a intricate part in letting go. Im on my way to a better me, Thanks again for this article, and my prayersgo out to all those hurting. this too shall pass.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m so inspired by your perspective and strength. I know what it’s like to regret time that seems wasted, but you’re so right; what matters is what you do right now, and a year from now, you will be in a totally new place. Thank you for sharing a little of yourself here–and congrats for finding the courage to leave that unhealthy relationship!

  • Sfelix5

    I recently just broke up with my girlfriend of four years and am having trouble concentrating in every aspect of my life. She moved on two days after we broke up and I only have one friend as a result of our breakup. But she seems to be getting distant as well and I can’t help but keep fearing the fact that I may lose her also. I need to learn to let go of attachments but I can’t seem to find anything that helps or anyone to listen. This experience is one of the toughest I’ve ever come across and it doesn’t help when I feel horrible about myself. 

  • Robin

    “20. Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it.”  There is 1 more:  Change your THINKING about the situation. 

  • Marie

    Sometimes I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am in constant pain,headaches,high blood pressure,depressed,sadness all because i gave my home,my heart to someone who only uses me,for a place to lay his head. He constantly lies,stays on the internet,downloading porn and acts if I don’t exist until he needs or wants something. For the love of God I don’t understand how anyone could be so Ruthless. he destroyed my computer when he got upset because i turned off the internet,and now that I have it back on he is back to him old self. Acting as if i don’t exist until he wants something,never calls me at work unless he has something to complain about or if he wants something. he shows me no love,no respect,no romance,all his attention is in the cyber world ,cyber space and on porn websites.
    i know I should put him out he says he has no where to go,I know deep inside this is only an excuse until he finds someone else to take him in and he will do the same thing to them. I know the bible says we reap what we sow,and i don’t wish bad luck on anyone, all I wnat is to be loved and not taken for granted. i just want to scream to the top of my voice because he treats me this way. I have provided a home and taken care of him for 3 years and he treats me like the soles on his shoes.
    I know I have to find the courage to put him out so that I can go on with my life. i feel so alone ,sometimes so helpless, I don’t want to come back to my own home.
    his is not the life for me I am loving,caring and full of compassion,I feel as if he is draining my energy,until I no longer want to live in this life.
     

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Marie,

    I am so sorry about what’s been going on. I know it must be so hard to think of putting him out, but it sounds like you know it’s the right thing to do. You deserve so much better than this. The good news is that once you do make space in your life, you’ll open yourself up to meeting that someone who’ll treat you like you deserve.

    I’m sending good thoughts and love your way.

    Lori

  • Mary

    This is fantastic! Great Job!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Mary!

  • pianoman.018

    thank you for inspiring me to move on from my past relationship.. =) ill be starting now.. on this day.. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! 

  • Lila

    This has really brought me to tears because ive been feeling trapped and not having any power or outlet on being broken up with because of being in love with someone for a coupleof years. I just been seriously full of hurt..and all these steps apply to what i feel..right now I feel like I’m alive but not living and never found anything related to me till now..

  • anonymous

     aka accept it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you Lila! I know that trapped feeling. Sometimes it can be so challenging to let go and heal.

  • Moe

    How do I let go of the fact that my daughter is in an abusive relationship?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter Moe. I’m not entirely sure I understand your question. Are you asking how you can accept this? 

  • Moe

    HOW CAN I BE IN LESS PAIN ABOUT THIS?? I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT IT CAUSES ME SO MUCH EMOTIONAL PAIN AND I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

  • Moe

    So there is no answer to decreasing my pain??? Help!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Moe,

    I can understand why this would cause you so much emotional pain. It must be a powerless feeling to see your daughter being hurt, and not know how you can help.

    I found an article online that may be helpful to you:

    http://www.livestrong.com/article/99570-daughter-abusive-relationship/

    Some of this advice is fairly common sense, but I thought there were some useful suggestions in here.

    It might also help to seek a therapist or find a support group for friends/family of people affected by domestic violence. While you can’t force your daughter to leave an unhealthy relationship, you can model what it looks like to take care of yourself by seeking the support you need.

    I know a link to a site and a few lines of advice won’t take away your pain. However, speaking with a qualified professional might.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Lori

  • Moe

    Unfortunately she does not want my help or anyone elses help. She denies that the relationship is abusive but all of her friends tell me they have witnessed mostly verbal and emotional abuse but also some physical. I cannot talk to her about it because then she moves further and further away from me emotionally. I don’t think there is any letting go of the pain this causes me. There is no hope. 

  • Channelsurfer Dj

    Love all these ideas.need comfort so hurt

  • Channelsurfer Dj

    Better to hav loved n lost then never loved at all…ur the winner

  • Channelsurfer Dj

    U do the best u can at the time consideringthe person u were at that time

  • Channelsurfer Dj

    How do u let go of expectations

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you for the wonderful post. I have just gone through an extremely difficult period in my life. I lost my job at a law firm after taking a pay cut to join, thinking it was the beginning of a new and exciting career chapter. My boss was an egomanical bully, who shattered my self confidence and fired me when I stood up to him. I stood up for my best friend when she was treated very badly by a mutual friend and both of them then cut me out of their lives and many other mutual friends followed suit.My brother tried to sabotage my wedding and caused a family feud that meant that half my siblings didn’t even attend. I am exhausted from trying to figure out why this has happened to me, going over and over it all in my mind, to the point that I am consumed with pain. It gives me hope reading the comments below that others have recovered from similar heartache and are gracious enough to forgive and humble enough to share their experiences.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Elizabeth. I’m sorry to learn about everything you went through in your professional life and personal life. Sounds like it was a lot all at once. I know it can be difficult to let go when you’re trying to make sense of everything. I’m glad the post and comments gave you hope!

  • Ashley

    wow Lori you are super kind and also open about your own past and struggles. thanks very much for this, also for the thread, everyone talking about relationships. not sure why romance is so hard, not that I’m an exeption, romance and parents are the two hardest areas of life for me.. one thing that helps me, a mantra= I know it’s kind of abstract and if I’m really struggling it tends to piss me off, but it does help= “I trust the universe.” because as was said above, 1-2 or maybe 3 years after something really bad happens, I tend to understand the lesson a little, and the maturity you get later on from going through struggles is, I hate to say it, often worth it. not that it helps in the moment. But the universe does seem to have best interests at heart, in the long run. it just has crazzzzy methods.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much Ashley. I love your mantra! I’ve found the same thing–that everything makes more sense in retrospect. And when you can see the lesson, it’s easier to trust that everything that happens serves a purpose.

  • Sherri

    Good luck girl! CASA is a great place to volunteer!! I lost my job and am struggling through a lot of the same emotions. On top of that, I fell in love with someone who didn’t feel the same way back. I am very angry and fight to let it go every single day. Some days are worse, some better. I had a few job interviews and when I was convinced I was at absolute rock bottom I got one of the jobs. It’s a start. As for the man…some days I wish for his utter destruction but mostly I just hope that he too finds the happiness he’s looking for, because I sure will. My self-esteem tries to kick my butt on a daily basis: you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, etc. but I know in my heart it’s all bull and that little voice is just mean.

    So, just don’t give up the fight. Just tweak your interview process, be happy, sell yourself UP and most of all be open to all opportunities. Especially with CASA!!! Doing for the kids in foster care is so hard but other wise they’d have no one.

  • Anisnack

    You have no sense of who *you* are. You can’t have friends until you know who you are. Otherwise you have no boundaries; you just want to buy their friendship or melt yourself into them. Go to a psychologist for guidance so you have some self-love and personal pride in who you are. We, as people, are so varied that it’s impossible to fit in with everyone. Certainly don’t try to make your so-called friends figure it out for you.

  • Howesm4

    I am 52 and don’t think I have ever gotten this whole “love dance” right. Now have someone much younger pursuing me who possesses qualities I have rarely found in anyone. All at once, I am thrilled and scared at the same time. For once, I am not going to try to manage situations and try to listen to my gut feeling. I have found this list helpful, and I reread it often.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you found this list helpful. That’s wonderful about your new relationship! =)

  • Broken

    Thank you so much for your help and this page. It really has opened my eyes and allowed me to gain some since of empowerment. Im married with two kids and one on the way but my husband isnt much of a man or husband for that matter. I’ve been holding on for so ong for the sake of our chidren but I can’t any longer because he’s changing me, making me bitter, angry and hateful (turning into him). Its now time for me to go but it hurts to know that my family ideal is crushed and my kids will never know what its like to have strong loving and faithful parents. This hutrs so bad. Thank you once again for helping me learn to let go of anger. Blessings to you all.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to learn about what’s been going on in your marriage. Your children are fortunate to have a mother who is committed to their and her happiness and well-being, as you are. I’m glad this was helpful to you. You are in my thoughts!

  • Rmm0573

    I was in an abusive relationship.  Stay in her life.  Listen but don’t judge.  Do go to a support group.  You need REGULAR interaction with people in the same situation to release the stress you feel.  This will enable you to stay stable for yourself and your daughter.  Many people eventually leave abusive relationships.  If she does, try to get her into a group.  If she won’t, don’t push it.  I left my ex 12 years ago and have been happy since then.  Stay centered.  When my own son was going through a bad relationship from 16-19 that was really emotional for him and hard for me to watch, I reminded myself that this life is not forever.  Whatever happens passes with time.  Everything does.  Eventually he broke it off instead of marrying her.  He’s much happier now.  I believe your daughter will be, too.

  • anonymous

    I would add this fourth: ignore it. May not be a good option, but i still exists.

  • petite

    i feel the same way too.. its hard to let go of someone you love the most but what hurts me most is that person who treated you always as an option in his everyday routine is the hard part..he used to say oloveyou..he used to care but his not around to feel it for you..just a word but the action is diffrent from it..i dont know when or how can i surpass this kind of heartache but i know for sure..im gonna make it..if he loves me so then ille give him the chance but for now..i nedd to dwell on my own feelings..so much trouble being inlove in a wrong one! 

  • Amy

    I don’t know how to let go of my anger toward my mother. She said a couple of things yesterday about how I have trouble connecting with other people. When I got mad, she just kept insulting me. Every time I said something, she had a response that was hurtful. I was mad about it for most of the day and finally decided to let it go or at least forget about it. Today, she began telling the story of the argument to my father, joking and laughing, making fun of how I reacted. I was genuinely hurt and still am; she refuses to apologize. She said more things to me today about how I would be unsuccessful because of my personality, asserting that I can’t take criticism. I don’t know how to stop being angry when I keep thinking of her as nasty for the things she said. If I bring it to her or anyone in my house, I know I will be in for an attack. I don’t want to deal with this, I just want to lie down and disappear. The only way I can justify her response is to think of myself as all the things she said I am, but when I do, I don’t feel like there is anything to live for because if I am all those things, my life will be miserable, just like she said.

  • Bradkerbick

    Hi all, Just separated from my wife 5 weeks ago, after being together for 8 years. This was my second marriage. I know I have to learn about me. I have to learn to just let go and this website has been a great help so far. Lots of work ahead for me.

  • Ada

    Thank you very much for these. :) I will do these…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! =)

  • lala rain 72

    please help me..how to give back the trust on my husband..

  • lala rain 72

    i want to know about letting go, then i found myself reading this..my husband had a girlfriend online and phone.and want to pursue their relationship..on his yearly vacation they made an arrangement to see each other but i caught my husband, i secretly read their txt messages..he admit it and say sorry when i comfronted him..he cried and tell me to start over again..it really hurt me so much..it was a months ago but still it brings me so much pain..it stuck in my mind..there’,s a sleepless night and sometimes i need to drink beer,it always made me cry almost everyday. i lost my appetite on food.. i always ask myself why he done such thing to me and feels that he still doing it..even if he is doing his part but there always doubt in my mind..but i love him so much.. please help me..

  • Hamster

    Thanks for this page. I’m currently going through heartbreak and feeling pretty low with crushing thoughts and anxiety.
    I know it will go away eventually and I will heal. But it’s nice reading the comments and positive words.

  • lala rain 72

    good day..i just read this article yesterday and asking for help..and i did some of your advices and i did not cry this day and im overthinking today…i wish i can continue doing this.. thank you

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Lala. I’m sorry I missed your comments yesterday. Have you ever tried yoga before? I think that could really help with the overthinking. It helped me a great deal! It just slows down your thoughts and also creates a sense of inner calm…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I know you’re going through a hard time, but it sounds like you have a healthy perspective on it. I’m sending good thoughts your way!

  • jackie

    how did u do all that? how did ure friends react?

  • Goremunster

    I am in a situation where I cannot get away from my problem and I can’t change it. The only option is to accept it. When the pain is so great and the anger so fearce, it’s very hard. My wife has dishonoured me and although I could forgive in time I don’t think I could ever trust her again. The anger towards this woman is so overpowering. To make matters worse the stress and the worry play a big part on my health. So many negative emotions.
    What Lori is saying is absolutely true but sometimes things hit you so hard it feels like your dying inside. Every day is just a different level of pain.
    The key for me is family and friends but for some people they just don’t have that.

  • lost

    Just found this site perfect timing for me

  • JC

    I’m still hurt, but I’m getting better day by day…. In the end, at least I can say I tried.
    I just have to accept the fact that we were 2 different people with different values and wants in a relationship. I like to maintain a strong bond, while she needs a loooot of space and alone time and friends time.

  • Evelyn Drew

    thankyou so much……..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Kirstan

    I love the rubberband trick. It seems a little aggressive, but when you imagine how aggressive poor thought patterns can be, a little physical stimuli is perfect for those moments when a quick mediation is just not feasible. Letting go should be an ongoing emotional standard for everyone. I think the globalization and technology dependence has led us all to introvert in some ways. Great read! http://www.examiner.com/article/letting-go-to-save-your-life

  • thefrickcollector

    thanks for the article! also the intro is especially good.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and thanks so much =)

  • shania

    My dear…u seem to have the wrong friends…if i had a friend like you it would make me so happy….don t put yourself down b cos of others…

  • shania

    I m going through the worst emotional ride ever and i shocked myself b cos I can t let go….I thought I was a strong person…all I do is cry….I need to let go and stop hanging on to hope…its affecting my poor kids…my work..my studies…all I wanted was for s one to love me and care for me as much as I did for them…it dosen t cost anything..I need so hard to move on for my own sanity

  • MissMoeBaby

    This article is empowering. After being in a abusive relationship for five years and having children involved I found it hard to let go and forgive myself for putting not only myself but, my children through all that mess. I finally one day just had enough. Although I left I still didn’t let.go of the bitterness and resentment. I’m learning to do just that and boy out feels good. Reading this article gave me great ideas to help me on my quest

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped you! I can only imagine how difficult it is to move on from a relationship when children are involved. I’m so inspired that you found the courage to forgive yourself and move forward.

  • http://igniteyouressence.com Justin Popovic

    Excellent post for a few reasons. First of all, it actually WORKED. I read it and as soon as I hit point 6 I stopped and did it. It has been a while since I’ve used my success log. So I went and rounded up a bunch of my recent comments and testimonials and put them in an Evernote. Just reading those comments changed my morning.

    Secondly, you have shed light on worry in a new way. I really have been worrying about things a bit too much recently and this post really gives me some power to correct that.

    thanks very much
    Justin

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much Justin! And you’re most welcome. I’m glad these tips helped you. =)

  • eve

    good tips for letting go but thats hard to do when i still have to have contact with
    my ex because we have a child together. I can go well for a few days then get a txt
    or phone call and to hear his voice drags me back to my gut wrenching heart breaking pain again. I can’t see myself not loving this man I have spent 15 years with. Feel I’m stuck in this heart break (its been 7 months) and i really don’t see
    myself not miserable everyday. Wish there was a magic pill to stop the feeling of pain, hurt, betrayal, anger, resentment, I could go on and on but i won’t. Any thoughts??????????????

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through Eve. I imagine it’s much harder to move on when you have children together and must maintain contact. I actually wrote another post about break ups that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/NginaNjoroge Annastaciah Ngina

    ooh thank you so much this article is going to help me effective today

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • Turning over

    Hi Lori,

    Thank you so much. Will incorporate as much as I can from the post. i just created a blog :).

    I’ve been wallowing in self pity and regret for the past 2 and a half years, due to my not being able to get into the college of my choice, and a few stupid decisions after.

    I’ve tried as much to adjust in the place I am in, make friends, but somehow it never works out.

    I was spontaneous, original, admirable when I was younger. But somehow it has come down to self doubt, and my thinking that I’m never going to attain excellence in the place I’m in. I don’t know what to do!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m curious how you define excellence. What is it you’re looking to do? Incidentally, I didn’t get into a single one of the acting programs I auditioned for in college, and I was devastated. I thought for sure I wanted to do musical theater for a living, but when every program rejected me, I lost all my confidence. It took me a long time to even try to be a writer. If there’s one thing I’d tell my former self, it’s: “Don’t reject yourself in response to these rejections. You are talented, and your potential is not defined by the schools that didn’t accept you.” I hope this message helps you as well!

  • penguin

    “… makes you special because you were strong enough to not fear that level of love entering into your heart unabashedly.”

    How do you know? “that level of love”. how does one measure loves? If you don’t have it – how do you know? and if you do – how do you compare it to anything? anyway, i think, love just enters if it enters and doesn’t ask whether you’re afraid or anything

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there~

    Where is that quote from? Are you responding to another commenter? Wasn’t sure if this was meant for me…

    Lori

  • Omega

    I fell for a women I worked with 7 months ago. I confessed my love to her (while she was in a commited relationship) and she lead me on and then torn my heart out to get closer to her boyfriend. I was suffering depression before meeting her and went back into it after she misinformed me. Hopefully these techniques are helpful.

  • Cool

    I’m really stressed about competition and needed help. your article helped me on some of it but then I was wondering about it.

  • Marie

    Thank you! Reading this article was like receiving a hug when i most needed it. Be well!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • deeps

    i dnt even knw wat it could make a difference to post but yes as other thgs i m tryin this too…i jst dnt knw but i m nt able to let go….i knw every person has its problems troubles in life n face but yet thr r sme people who made miserable problems in my life n i m nt able to forgive thm let go….may b bec watevr thy did still comes up in front as consequenses of their done acts………..i have tried yoga tried gettin involved in other things but despite all that i cant forgive….i m nt waiting for a time to take revenge but at the same time nt able to let go n forgive them…

  • Pokpok

    It is so hard to move on. Especially if the person is moving on faster than you do. I’ve helped her through her tough times, and now she’s fine and I have to deal with on my own. I have been suffering, but sometimes I really think I’m better off without her, considering that she is an emotional vampire at that. She sucked all the good things in me, that now I feel that it is okay to be like her.

  • Silas

    i would like to know how you know this much at this young age………..if you have experienced this all, then you must be a pretty rich person in experience, i would like to know how it felt, and wat r the best ways

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    How what felt Silas? And what are the best ways to what?

  • The one who Loved a stone :)

    Well , let me tell to all of you something , I’ve loved a girl who took a shexxx on me , and then she left me , she came back and then she left me again and she used me , and she was not even a hot one , but I’ve loved her and then I’ve got a thought that I’ve lost my years with her and I’ve never contact her , but she contacted me one month before my birthday to wish me Happy Birthday , but then I realize that my thought was a good one , she did not know when my brtday was :)) . I don’t understand how can a girl ore a boy sell her own soul and body when they say they love you but they don’t , Advice from my try to concentrate on your carrier ore something else , any who I’ve got after 2 mouths a very hot girl she came to me and she was the one who was attracted to me , and after 3 weeks I’ve seen in her some of my ex behavior and I’ve left her . I’ve realize that I will be tomorrow 24 and that I loved someone and that I am in debt 10.000 and that I am nobody :) , but there is hope I feeeel grate I can eat again I can laugh , and I forgot to tell you that I lost also my grate job because of this ex girl :) but is ok I feeel grate , so If I can feel grate then you can also ;)

  • LK

    In addition to that list I would like to share some advise too:
    -You can distract yourself by playing video games
    -find a hobby: like dancing, sports, reading,etc…

  • Ronnie

    Lori, I read through some of your readers comments. I was frightened by a response you made that indicated that it took 6 years of pain to be where you are now. I am a father of 4 beautiful children, and my wife of 20 years has left us. I am a reader and actively seek information for self help to try and deal with all the challenges of this difficult time. My question is; why 6 years of pain? I am 7 months removed from spouse, and wonder if I too will have to endure such a lifetime of pain. Would you consider expounding on why you suffered so long. ? Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ronnie,

    I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now. I couldn’t find that specific comment, so I’m not sure exactly what I wrote, but I actually dealt with depression for a long time, and i got in my own way when it came to healing and moving on from things that hurt me.

    I self-destructed for years, blaming myself and feeling ashamed. I think it was the shame that kept me stuck for so long. I just felt convinced I was a bad person and that so much was my fault.

    I don’t think my experience in healing is indicative of what it might be like for others. I do think time is a great healer, but a lot of it comes down to how willing we are to be good to ourselves–and take responsibility for ourselves. That’s where I failed for so long.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • Kat

    where can i find a blog site to write on? i’ve been using writing as an escape and a coping method and would love to share the things i create, not only for myself to let go but hopefully to inspire others with my words.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Kat,

    That’s wonderful that you want to share your thoughts and experiences to help others! You can set up a free blog quickly at blogger.com. That’s one way to get started right away!

    Lori

  • Kat

    Thank you so so so much! I’ve already gotten started and already love it!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! =)

  • mylene

    my husband always lie to me..he always says he love us and cared for us but i dont feel it..he makes me crazy makes me sick!!!i cant stand it anymore!!!!i even wanting to die than to fell all this pain i want to let go but i dunno how im hopeless..i have 2 daugthers and i know they can sense it..they even see me cried at my room and that hurts me more…i wanna be strong but i dunno how to do it??

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Mylene ~ I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your husband. I don’t know what kind of things he’s been lying about, but have you guys discussed marriage counseling?

  • Lisa

    You forgot ” watch Downton abbey” Works like a charm.

  • Marissa

    Hi Lori

    I’ve been having serious motivational issues ever since the downfall of my first emotional investment. I lost my temper one time and attacked him verbally and it’s been six months and he still gets annoyed seeing my name or seeing me talk anywhere (online in chat rooms, he is in a different country deployed). I just wish he wouldn’t be so hostile towards me. It makes me very uncomfortable. Instead of clearly expressing that he has an issue with my presence around him; he prefers to make it look like other people have issues with my presence. It hurt so bad; the things that drew him to me two years back are the same things that irritate him about me now. He says I broke his trust by talking about his private life online but won’t tell me what exactly he is referring to (cause I did no such thing to my knowledge). He has been threatening to bring people who loathe me to these chat rooms to get me to stop talking there and I just want him to leave me alone since it’s bad enough that I’ve lost interest in anything whatsoever. He tells our friends he “couldn’t care less” and is more worried about me pissing off other people.

  • CC Novak

    wow i’m 19 years old and this was incredibleto do!
    you are very mentally intelligent and this helped me through alot, i thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much, and you’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through Marissa. It sounds like he’s projecting a lot of hostility onto you, possibly from experiences and situations have nothing to do with you. I hope you two are able to come to some sort of reconciliation so neither of you has to hurt over this anymore!

  • Brian Walpole

    Stress is our body’s
    response to uncomfortable, unpleasant or dangerous situations. It is the body’s
    reaction to situations that induce emotions that bring on fear, tension,
    nervousness and anxiety. Stress triggers a rush of hormones that spike your
    heart rate, raise your blood pressure and stop the process of digestion in
    order to divert all the energy to combat the stress inducing situation. If it is
    just a momentary reaction, the body soon returns to a state of normalcy but in
    the case of chronic stress, the hormones remain in the system for too long as
    the body continues to maintain a state of high alert which soon manifests in
    the form of headaches, hypertension, digestion problems, and a host of other
    related issues. It is the weaker and less productive people who take to
    substance abuse to cope with stress rather than dealing with it in a positive,
    proactive manner. Rather than withdrawing from the stressful situation, it is
    better to meet it headlong by accepting the problem, giving vent to the pent up
    emotions and slowly coming to terms with the reality we find difficult to
    accept. The idea is to always be in control and to be able to choose our path
    without letting stress paralyse our thoughts and actions. Read on about how to
    cope with stress in my blogpost http://lovefitnesseducation.com/2013/02/20/finding-the-right-stress-outlets-to-deal-with-stress/

  • CKF1082

    I’m afraid to feel angry as after a life time of mental abuse from my mother, and after 2 years of therapy, I’m at the point where I need to release the anger once and for all. I’m afraid how it will come out and I don’t want to be alone when it does. I don’t know if I’m reading to much into this but I just feel like it’s never the right time or the place. My head just feels full of it and I’m avoiding social situations just in case I take it out on someone. I’ve a feeling it’s going to be explosive and unedifying. And I feel if I hold on to it any longer it’s going to make me ill. x

  • Alan13446

    Hi Lori,

    Great reading….I met, brokeup with, reconnected, brokeup with again, reconnected, broke up with, then reconnected and ended up living together with a wonderful woman who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, only to have her suddenly and abruptly leave me for reasons that would make you shake your head in disbelief. getting over her has been difficult, because love takes time to grow and even longer to disappear. Your words help me on my journey to recovery.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Regarding what you wrote about the time to disappear, I’ve read that for many, it can take half the length of the relationship to truly feel you’ve moved on. I suppose it’s different for everyone, but I’ve found the cliche is true–time does heal all wounds. I’m glad this helped somewhat!

  • David Benitez

    Question: my wife usually stresses about what she doesn’t have or how things could of been different and in a lot of the times would result in us arguing. I use the majority of these tips and I hoped my wife does the sam but she refuses. any ideas on how to bypass her stubborness and eliminatesome of our arguing ?

  • Duncan

    Very good post Lori. Thank you for sharing. I am letting go of my bitterness and regret and embracing a life changing experience right now. This morning an epiphany came to me and i have learned to forgive myself and learn new wisdom and unlearn old bias. I feel i have a sense of direction now and that i am doing the right things with the right attitude towards success and greater things to come. I only pray that it is not too late between me and a special lady and that our karma will find ourselves again on the same road one day. I can now focus on myself and change from within and not pay lip service.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s wonderful Duncan! I’m glad to hear you’re making these positive changes. =)

  • Sophie

    This was amazing. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and I haven’t felt as calm as I currently do since then. Thank you. “Loving myself means letting go” <=)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Sophie. I’m glad this helped. =)

  • Sandy

    I believe I have done the things you have suggested, most anyways, My situation was having a person in my life for 43yrs and share 3 grown adult children with a 4mo old grandson. We needed to separate due to making each other miserable. We both love each other but could not provide the happiness that we both needed from each other

  • Kim Beverly-Muhammad

    I needed this…trying to accept my parents and the things that happened to me as child. I am ready to be happy for me and for my own children. It wont be easy, but I am more than ready to try. I agree that emotional abuse is the worst! I need to forgive them for me and move on. I hate that my only thoughts of my mother or negative ones….

  • randyh

    Great article Lori!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much! =)

  • rosemary

    this was a great help to me having kept so much anger inside me that was destroying me each minute.God bless you

  • jay

    The part about dwelling hits home. I have a really hard time letting go of what I feel to be an inequity. I replay instances in my head and either get angry or even have a hard time sleeping. The section above about anger really hit home. I do need to learn to accept and move on. Anger is only disrupting my life and the actual situation is over. What does it serve? That was a hard question. It serves only to stoke the fire. I appreciate articles like this because they help. It has helped frame the situation. In 5 years this incident will not even matter. Time to let go.

  • Bene

    I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I threw away so much money – all for nothing – until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, Dr. Lametu. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as He has blessed me. Meet him for real help via Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/johnsson.yaou.9 Johnsson Yaou

    By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

    http://best-working-at-home.blogspot.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/johnsson.yaou.9 Johnsson Yaou
  • Bene

    I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I threw away so much money – all for nothing – until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, Dr. Lametu. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as He has blessed me. Meet him for real help via Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • Alice

    Hi this is Alice, adn this had helped me so much. However, I m in school. And one of the teachers said something that worries me about my grade. And I cant really ask him again because the way he saided sounded like he was annoyed. What should I do ?
    please answer.

  • unsatisfied soul

    But how can u get over the pain n miseries u ve incurred getting around the ever complaining and self victimizing nature which always wants to stay troubled..I m trying to let go for more than a year..I undstand that its useless n meaningless to cry over something from the past…but this delusioned mind keeps pushing me down towards hell n nore torture….maybe im bound to suffer by the karmas of my past life n this is the price I have to pay….

  • Lost in Space

    Emotional Pain, I find it almost impossable to let you go, meds don’t work, the Bible isn’t working either. I have my up’s and downs. This week is really tough and challenging at times, we are two differant people, I use to be athletic, not any more. I may never stop loving you and I know you could care less. Yet. You live here now and I feel as though your trying to destroy me. Why ? You call me a Lier, yet, you don’t lie ? Everybody doe’s including you. You call me a fake detailer, I picked this skill up watching what detailers did other then taking a class for about a month in Santa Clara back in 1978 or 9 I worked as a shuttle driver at Capitol Ford in San Jose, and everytime I had a break I would ask ? from the detailers. Same go’s for A Finer Detail When we took the car’s to them I asked ?’s So in a way you are right I may be part fake in another hand. How can anybody afford to stay on unemployment ? AND i love TO work, Not working makes me dwell.

  • mgmarf

    Hi there Lori,

    You know, this post, in its smallest way, helped me. I’m actually doing my best to do something I never thought I should do: to finally let go and just live life as it is.

    I am reading a little book called “The Little Book of Contentment” by Leo Baulbauta (the Zen Habits man) and it was really about being content with where and who you are, to be happy that life is amazing as it is. And a lot of what is written in the book makes sense.

    All my life, I’ve been living my life with expectations. I expect to be better with my skills in this and that, I expect to be a millionaire, I expect to be good at habits, I expect to have a girlfriend, etc. I’ve also been expected by others that I watch this, watch that, read this, read that…

    But all I ever get is frustration. I’m always frustrated and disappointed that I never get what I expected.

    But now, I’m beginning to realize, bit by bit, that all I really need to do is… let go. Let go of these expectations, fantasies, realities, goals… whatever limits me to be who I want to be, let it go.

    And… it makes me happy :) It makes me happy to finally let go and just breeze in life. It’s just wonderful.

    I also did something last week that made me go emotional for days but finally came out okay: I sent out my last message to a girl that dumped me and never talked to me for years after one date/hangout. I was mad at her for so many years that each time I hear her name or see her name, I’d go ballistic. But I decided on one day that I’d just record the message, write her a letter and send it to her. It made me emotional because it had me worried and concerned but after just letting it out, I finally felt better :) Now, whenever I see her name on Facebook, I just smile and move on. I let go of my anger towards her. Heck, I even said she’s welcome in my life if she so chooses to talk to me again. I may not be welcome in her life, but she’s always welcome in my life.

    So Lori, thank you for this article. I’ll apply some of these ideas immediately. I’m not going to expect instant results (after all, I am letting of expectations) but at least I know life is amazing right now. :)

  • Crystal

    Thank you for helping us be stronger Lori.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. =)

  • Charlotte

    I am so relieved to read about one of the comments (someone leaving their ex after 6 years together). I’ve been married to this man for 6 years that has emotionally abused me. Every time he would say sorry it would happen over and over again. I am the sort of person to speak up about problems, wanting so badly to help the relationship heal, for both of us to feel better as a team. I felt I have lost so much a big part of my life. I have held off having a child because I kept waiting for him to treat me better. This is the first time I have allowed myself to stay in a relationship that isn’t good for me. I am such a strong person and I feel I’ve let myself down so much. Recently, I realized that I probably would have still married him because he never showed this side (he had a great mask!). Maybe I am meant to look at this as growth? All I know is that is hurts to love him and its hurts to let go of him. I am in the process of deciding which date I am leaving. Its torchure in my heart – all I think about is how much I loved this man I married and would do anything for him, for us. When this happens I try and remember the bad – the bad is every day and its constant. Being who I am a loyal person makes me so upset that he isn’t willing to talk with me, fix our relationship together and build a future. But, I can’t wait any longer for him to change, i don’t think that will ever happen and it makes me so incredibly sad to realize this.

  • kalevipoeg

    While I think all of this is true, I have a serious problem with point 24. I can not possibly think I can find a love that amazing or better again. All my loves end up in an amazing pain and I don’t believe the odds of meeting anyone different increase down the way.Rather, by doing things “different than before”, I’d compromise myself into finding someone who I never wanted to meet in a first place. Still, I’ve been “out in the open” as it is suggested somwhere here on tinybuddha and all of this just increases my frustration and “nothingcompares2unessness.”

  • lovethebuddha

    It is hard and takes time +reflection. I think the thing that helps me the most with expectation is to think of someone else expecting more from me. At this point in life, good luck. This is all I have to give :)

  • Ryah Chantae

    I found what I needed, thanks xx

  • counterpoint

    Hocum. This is called stuffing it away, leaving no one accountable for their actions and forgiving those who’ve wronged you, regardless of how detrimental their actions. Admittedly, some of this may work for small infractions or annoyances, but, tell someone whose spouse cheated on them and destroyed their marriage to “laugh it out,” and “unromanticize the way you love.” Are you kidding me? Tell someone who’s lost a relative to drugs or alcohol or violence to “use a silly voice” or take a sauna break. This is patronizing, east meets west feel good, nonsense. You suggest a fuzzy reality not many share or can even hope to share. One where no one is to blame for their behavior, everyone gets a pass and makes mistakes leaving all of us to say screwm all and do whatever you please…not my problem. Someone else cleans it up/ deals with it. I don’t have to do anything but make lists and give every asshole who’s ever done something truly awful to me even MORE of me to use as toilet paper. These kind of simpleton dolts choose to move through life with no conscience, no repercussions and the underlying knowledge they can do whatever, whenever. All will be forgiven. Its all good. Get real. Actions carry consequences…some unforgivable in any capacity and for good reason. The best revenge is living well? Its still revenge, isn’t it? Some peoples actions deserve scorn, consternation and for them to be permanently shunned and cut out of your life like a cancer. Life is cruel more often than kind. Finding any kind of reciprocated love is amiracle for some people, so to suggest you’ll find a better, deeper or more rewarding love after bring damaged by one too many people with no conscience is simply wishful thinking. Were trained to hope and believe it gets better. For many it simply does not. Bitterness us truth. You’re in touch with primal you. Don’t deny that. For some, there should never be forgiveness. I want these people to never forget how detrimental their actions were. They deserve no pity and no pass from me in my life. I don’t screw people over on purpose and beg for forgiveness and self examine.They should’ve known better. I can forgive for myself in my own way. If I’ve been really hurt or scarred by these people and given a chance? They’ll never hear the end of it from me. They abused my trust and love with zero thought or care. Doing so makes me like them and their kind just hold society back with their ham-handed, dysfunctional floating through life, oblivious to their own mess they created ideals. Anger can be a useful emotion if tempered and used correctly and sparingly. To each their own.

  • ina

    dats just great…..thank u… i rily need dat push right now n i fell on the right track :) thanx a ton…after living different failed relationships, i was about 2giv up but no more…lots of love <3

  • Let It Be♥

    You are amazing you beautiful soul!!! You deserve to be treated well<3 Don't ever let someone take your time who you know does not value you or love you!!!! You are worthy of respect and patience. You can move on and find beauty in life once more. YOU CAN DO THIS! You have the strength :)
    Let It Be♥

  • Elizabeth

    Hi Lori, as a generally positive, happy-go-lucky person I have recently been dealing with high stress and a lot of hurt in my life – of which I am having to now let go of. I was doing some research into methods and tips of letting go of anger, pain, and hurt and came across your blog. This particular post has inspired me as I work through many issues and I just wanted to let you know that I have mentioned your post “40 ways to let go and feel less pain” in my most recent blog post – http://www.elizabethwright.net/1/post/2013/07/reflection-and-truth-learning-to-carry-on-and-grow.html
    (I am a motivational/inspirational speaker who is all about being happy and being “you” – meaning yourself of course, lol). Your post about letting go is so valuable, so thank you so much for writing it and helping many people learn how to let go and get some peace in their lives.

    Elizabeth

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much Elizabeth. I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • Cathy123

    I’m so happy I found this today online. I really needed it. I am dealing with some very deep hurt that is almost impossible for me to let go. I know I have to in order to move forward, but the minute I feel I am moving forward and begin to feel happy, I bring it back to not forget. I wish I didn’t do this, I wish I could just say “oh well” and move on. But, I just can’t seem to let go that easy. Thanks!!

  • TheOverThinker

    My boyfriend of a year and a half recently broke up with me and said he doesn’t love me anymore. We were living together so we both moved out and are trying to move on with our lives but he recently came in contact with me and was begging me to take him back. I said no because the relationship we were in was unhealthy and toxic, it brought the worst out of the both of us and I know I did not deserve to be treated that way. However, he’s claiming he’s changed, that he’s realized how much of a jerk he was, and that he’d never treat me that way again. We aren’t even together right now and yet he’s constantly stalking my facebook and instagram to see what I am up to and calls/texts me about how mad he is that im having fun, hanging out with other guys, and traveling. He threatens me that if i continue doing these things that he will never talk to me again and will completely stop loving me. I obviously see that he hasn’t changed because he still has all of his controlling habits. He even plays psychological games with me by trying to make me mad by posting things on social media sites about him partying/going to bars and also complaining about his past relationship (meaning me). What I don’t understand is why am I still thinking about him and wasting my emotions on someone like this. I am even seeing other people, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I am fully aware that I should not be with someone like that but I can’t get him out of my head, missing him, and most of all I feel possessive over him too because I don’t want him to love anyone else. Help!

  • Catherine

    This was amazing to read. I see myself in what was written. I feel like it hurts to stay with my boyfriend but breaking up feels like im going to die. I can’t sleep or eat and feel I’ll never get past it. I will use a metaphor, if s Dr. Said take this pill and you will feel no pain during your break up I would. So I keep him here even though I don’t want it. I have financially supported him for over 5 years he’s abusive and he’s been incarcerated 3 times for abusing me and I can’t handle it anymore. While he was in jail I got involved with my community and want to become a member of the tenants association and I finally met my neighbors after living here for 3 years, him being in jail for 9 months I feel like I am me again but he came back saying I will change but now he’s just so not for me. So I don’t understand this codependant situation and why I can’t let go with out falling apart. During the nine month break az I xall it, I moved to a beautiful apartment and boughf a car I M so independent now but it all stopped because I dont trust him and he says I wrong. What to do please email me. Catherine1026.csm@gmail.com thank you.. Catherine

  • Carla

    This is a very relevant post to what I’m feeling right now. Thank you so much for this post. I will be doing this step by step. By the end of it, I hope I will be able to move forward.
    On a separate note, I also tried the Recreate Your Life Story Online Course and I have to say that I cried when I got the results. I really do need to move forward and not wallow on what has happened and how low I feel right now.
    Again, thank you very much. This is a much needed kick in the ass to rise up and face the present and future head on. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! Regarding the course, do you mean the quiz “How Your Past Holds You Back,” or the actual course? Either way, I’m so glad it was helpful to you!

  • Yasmin

    I am a 22 year old female coming from a very narrow minded culture. When i was 17 i had a relationship with a guy who raped me and i stayed purely because my culture says the person you lose your virginity to, you would have to marry. We stayed together for 2 years despite him treating me shit sometimes( or maybe more but i just dont want to admit) he cheated on me many times and because of that i lost my trust and i became controlling. One day he had enough boarded the plane left the country and somehow i tracked him down as i felt i was in love and trying desperately to find out he hasnt left. He told me he dont love me and i should just move on. That day i felt my heart break into million pieces and since then it hasnt been mended. Three years later i cannot stop thinking about him day and night. As a result i have ended with my guys who actually just use me and afterwards i feel even more hurt knowing no one actually cares. So its not just getting hurt by a guy but my actual scars renew. I suffer from clinical depression. I refuse to take pills as i believe how would pills make the root cause of the problem better. I been drinking heavily like a bottle of wine a day just to escape reality. For the past 3 weeks i have stopped. But after meeting a guy who also used me i been having an urge to drink. I wish i can get better and get out of this cycle :( also i have failed in my studies last year and im normally a successful person and dont want to give up but it is too hard where there you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Lost Soul

    Hi, i am really one unhappy man, no doubt it has calm me down a little, i would like to share with all that, after much reflection and soul searching, i am actually unrealistic person, fake, insincere, malicious gossiper, lustful, negative, unable to trust people, poor attitude, weak & fat, delusional and the list goes on… i am only 27.. but feels like life has reach a point of meaningless… what should i do ?

  • CellKiller

    Couple months ago I started likeing this girl. She is awesome and I can talk to her for hours. I was moving 6 hours away for school and I told her I liked her, she said she liked me too. We were up til 5AM when we said that to each other. So I saw her one more time before I left and made time, then I kissed her, but it felt like she held back, a lot. I moved, we were talking and texting for 2 weeks, then she was distant. Eventually I persued and kept texting and calling until finally she admited it was a mistake to like me and that she can imagine a life with me and being happy but miserable because she wasnt fully attracted to me. By this time because I knew her for 2 years, I had fallen for her and I lost a woman I loved in less than a month. This all went down less than 2 months ago. THis hurts so bad its ubelievable. But the advice given is awesome here and its having someone to talk to when you dont have anyone. I definately dont have freinds to talk to about this. Advice helps and also what also helps me is to think about it but instead of being depressed, thing logically about every little part and go from there. But one thing that always has to be done and expressing feelings to them at the end no matter what, otherwise it takes way longer because there is no closure. I agree with one advice on here: You got 3 choices. Basically you forget them completely, accept the what you two are and leave it there, or change it into a friendship because sometimes you dont want to lose them as a best friend

  • Guest

    wowww thanks sooooooooooooooo much

  • gautham

    Why do we sometimes want to leave the person we actually think about admire and love all the time. I used to love a girl(I still do) but for some reason I started feeling she doesn’t love me and I am just a pass time for her. So I told her I don’t want to drool behind her like a dog and broke up. She said she really doesn’t know why I broke up but won’t complain and live with her life.Now the real problem starts. after about 2 week’s I started thinking if I was Only assuming things and if she actually was loving me. I tried to apologize but I guess I took it one step too Far with the words I used for breaking up ands she was not ready to forgive me and start over again.Now I am in a huge Turmoil. I can’t seem to forgive myself I start thinking of myself as a psycho. I really love her but my insecurity and immaturity has ruined everything! Is there anyone out there who can help me out. I am going insane

  • Brahmacharya

    At least you have loved!

  • Brahmacharya

    Salute for you brave one, LET GO OF ALL THINGS that is, because life is about letting go everything, no LIMIT.

  • gijones

    I am a 57 year old woman with a lot of suffering and pain over alovedone who dropped me for two diff, women after I helped him survive financially he avoids me as not to pay me for loans given . he lives on my street I have to see him with his new woman everyday that he has moved her in his house . Lord does it hurt to see this love he shows her we shared a 1yr. & 1/2 I attached to his family and his 4 yr. old son who likes me his family needs to accept this new woman its hard for us all. I feel incomplete and insucure.. I want a man to love me unconditionally as I love him the same. I want this I pray this all the time Im tired and frustrated. God do you hear my cry?

  • JoJOe

    When things go badly, like a broken relationship or an abusive situation, I remember my Shakespeare. All the worlds a stage.
    I pretend that the situation was a play a movie and I was the star, it’s great being the star. I pretend I received an Oscar for my performance. The movie ends, the act is over, the curtain closes. Now on to the next play, the part, the role.
    As both Johnny Depp and Harrison Ford have said “I never see my movies, I never remember my lines, I just go on to the next movie”
    So, those “academy” performances line up in my mind like tall strong like Oscars.
    Yes, I am the star, the spot light is on my life. A new adventure begins. Delighted and Enlightened I dance my way onto a new stage.

  • alittleadvicegoesalongway

    I don’t understand how, I try a lot of these things and yet for me it doesn’t work. My ex left me and cut off all communication with me for a while, then he started coming back in to my life which I was so pleased about because of how much I feel for him, we slept together outside of being in a relationship and then he started saying we can only be friends but he doesn’t want to loose me so were not friends. I don’t know what to do 3 months after we finished, I still think about him daily, I buzz when he speaks to me. But I end up in such down states I cant stop crying from when I see him with other girls and if he actually ended up in a relationship with another girl, I honestly don’t know what I would do, id be devastated and so so down I know it would ruin me. Please if you can give me any advice. Thank you

  • super ready

    wow after reading all of this I do not feel so alone. My husband only likes me when things are going good with us but most of the time its bad. So I need to let him go he is toxic and not nice he talks about me to his friends and puts all the blame on me this has been going on for years, thank you for this

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband–but happy that you’ve come to this realization. I know it’s not easy to recognize when it’s time to walk away. I hope this brave choice is the start of a great new chapter in your life.

  • Samantha

    Hello , Dear Lori I hope I can find u able to help me getting throught a really hard situation that am leavin now ,

  • Let it Go

    Wow these are all great ways to let go! I am a big proponent of forgiveness and letting go. I developed a mobile app to help facilitate the practice of letting go that I think would be a great addition to this list. It’s called Let it Go. ( insideoutlier.com/let-it-go )

  • http://www.prettyklicks.com/ Stefan Pretty

    Can you please make this into a printable PDF? It’s fantastic.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much, and great idea! I will add this to my to-do list. =)

  • http://www.prettyklicks.com/ Stefan Pretty

    Glad you like it! I can’t wait to print it and keep it in my pocket till I make some of these a habit! I need it. Thanks :)

  • Jack Groome

    This is good advice for personal feelings of anger, frustration, and the like. However, do you have anything for anger, frustration and the like where it concerns society at large? And don’t tell me to let that go as something I can’t control, either. I’m well aware that, on my own, I can’t change things for the better. If more people were able to wake up and see the atrocities of our times, instead of “letting them go”, we might have a chance. Any response you’d like to offer? I’m not trying to be offensive, even if it seems that way. This is simply why I have feelings of negativity and depression, and no amount of mental gymnastics has been able to help me out of it.

  • ivo343

    I’ll try my best. I recently was in a sexless relationship where my christian ex who would often give me ultimatums and mean texts in the morning, to have her way, rather than talk about her problems. Previously I told her nicely that such behavior was uncalled for, yet she continued. I snapped and called her spoiled, demanded respect and discredited her views and personality, where she would say “she was strong independent black woman and cannot be changed”. She pushed through and got her way in the end (without my consent). Upon trying to reconcile with her, she accused me of emotional abuse. I just can’t seem to let this go. I’m no bad person.

  • lea

    Trying to do so, but sometime its so difficult when that person means so much to you

  • Lika

    Sometimes my partner says things that upset me and when I look upset he starts asking me what’s wrong like nothing happened (although I address it when I don’t like what I hear). For example I’m telling a story and he doesn’t seem to be interested in what I’m saying at all (not looking at me just briefly..etc) that upsets me. I moved out here from other country and pretty often he would talk about politics or say something like “well i don’t know how they do it in your country but in this country etc..” We’ve been together for over3 years and when he compares it makes me feel alienated (like I don’t belong). I’ve tried to ask him not to bring up the “nationality” matter and look beyond it. He would tell me “look who’s moody all the time and gets upset when hears something she doesn’t like, and she will be upset for hours over it if not days”- this one phrase just kills me because i do let go but I can’t let go of the idea that he doesn’t realize that i don’t just get upset over nothing its his words or actions.

  • J28

    I’ve been with this guy and he was my first love. We were 9 months together and we were so happy and he haven’t had any big arguments. But then one day he just wanted to call it off and said that his father does not agree with our relationship. I said no let’s fix this together but he refuses. He insisted on breaking up and so he did. After that he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Doesn’t send text messages, doesn’t call, doesn’t even chat with me on facebook. It really hurts when it was so sudden. Yesterday we were so happy and contended then the other day it was like, gone! I cry everyday, every hour, hoping that he’d come back to me and the guilt of having no acceptable reason for breaking me up is killing me. I miss his eyes, his voice, his hugs and kisses. Everything about him. I just don’t know what to do. Every place I go, everything I do, there’s always something that reminds me of him. Most of the times I think of him and sometimes I tend to pull myself out of the memories of him, but then there’s this particular painful feeling in my heart that just won’t listen. Someone please tell me what to do. :’(

  • http://NeoTrainingNetwork.com David Paul

    One of my favorite tools of letting go of anything is what Hail Dwoskins called The Fifth Way.
    When you can see past the illusion of yourself as a separate “me” and stop, just for a moment, from coming from memory, you will find the truth of who you are. Here is a link to a recent video blog post I did on The Fifth Way: http://neotrainingnetwork.com/tools-of-letting-go-the-fifth-way-to-no-mind/

  • Dee73

    Lost my friend today, emotionally. Someone I used to think the world of has left my world. The one I used to called my big brother, the one that supported me thru everything and always, laughter and frowns, bad and good days, sad and happy, acted like children when we were around each other and play jokes on each other, we always like to be around our families and spend nice evenings enjoying each other’s company. The one who I used to call my best friend has left my world. Keep asking my self, was it my fault our friendship end? Was he tired of my outbursts when nothing was going my way? Acceptance perhaps? Or his part in my story ended? So many questions not many answers, all I know is that I did my best and I gave it my all. I might not be perfect, All I know is that I care deeply and the more I do in the end it only hurts me more. I always believe if you love your friend you love the person the way they are, with their perfect imperfections no matter what, believe in that person no matter how messed they think they are, love the person unconditionally because people like that do not come around very often and stay in your world forever. I am going to miss my friend and our talks, he have left great memories in my life, to think that I thought I meant the world to him as a friend and in the end I didn’t at all..and it was just a unrealistic friendship in my world. I’m trying to let go, it I’ll take time but I’m sure I’ll get there!

  • Guest

    What if you have endured a psychologically & emotionally abusive relationship and you have a child with the abuser – how do you distance yourself from the fear that the child will experience the same thing? How do you distance yourself from that person and show empathy for someone who continues to be manipulative, intimidating and controlling? I don’t want to cling to the anger and fear that something will happen to my child. I want peace. I want the best for my child. My ex-partner does not seem to feel empathy, and puts his own interests above our child’s. The legal system grants entitlement rights to such people. I am aware of the reality, but am hoping to learn how to “let go” when I still feel trapped.

  • Terri

    A lot of people on here are making a lot of sense and I have appreciated reading their words and advice. A relationship came to an aggressive end about two months ago, I know I loved more than he did, (I still do) I was so besotted I turned a blind eye to his coldness, controlling, criticism’s, put downs and mood swings. Just writing this is helpful. I am trying to let go and shake myself of loss and blame but it is really hard when he lives about 300 yards from me It would be so much easier if I could not see or be aware of him, unfortunately for me this I think will prolong the healing from this very negative relationship. If anyone has any tips?

  • pearlvelvet

    10months back I was an endearing, passionate and focused person for life and career. I have always tried to be true and faithful in all aspect. Even I try to obey my family and religion. I have always tried to maintain my respect and dignity. But like I said I was so damn sure about it 10months back bcz back then I hadn’t him in my life. Now that he is gone, It has bcm very difficult to let go from mind. I control myself everyday not to talk or send any response to him. But still I feel that small hope that he would realise what wrong he did to me. I just want to let it go and be the way I used to be. Now I feel like my confidence level got imbalanced. Bcz both happening him in my life and going away was unexpected. I feel cheated and deceived. This is a worse feeling. When someone compels you to feel and then wen you do then leaves you giving a silly reason. I want to get back that old me. I’m just 21 and he is 24. But he didn’t acted like a elder should act rather he acted typically with pretence. I do want to keep myself strong, confident and passionate. But I just couldn’t accept the thing he did to me. Every day I think about him. Just can’t believe what he did. How would I accept this reality. Yes I do want to accept but still I’m facing contrast in both reality and emotion.

  • Mohamed ali

    Thank you for these helpful tips and tricks… I will use them all to let go and start again… I feel good already.

  • Patienceiskey

    This is exactly how i feel. Rather than discuss my daughter’s father says he wants to move on after 13yrs. I was totally in denial because i was under the impression that our love would weather through any storm. now i just feel guilty and used but this article shed a lotta light on my situation. Although there are times when it hits u sooo hard that even inspirational quotes and advise doesnt do much. But eventually it will pass. keep strong my friend

  • Patienceiskey

    My daughter’s father and i have been over about a month now. we have been together since we were teens and i am very close to his family. he is mentally and was physically abusive as well but got help for the physical abuse several years ago. During these 13 years we lived together 4 years and on the 5th April we had a sudden misunderstanding and he left. He says that i am too much to deal with and to move on with my life. I was sooooo devastated to hear him say its over. we separated a couple times before but never like this. I was shocked and in denial. and even though i knew i was drained from being fathful to this man, putting up with his impossible requests and his family. i keep callin him and texting him cuz i cannot understand how this misunderstanding we had would make him feel the need to leave us for good. We got robbed last week and i called him to tell him about it and all he did was ask how his daughter doing and if she was at home. all my friends cant blieve it cause they know us together since forever. i hate this feeling. tuesday i took the day off just to cry,cry,cry. he says he still loves me but we cannot be together again. Thanks for ur advise its all i can really hold on to now… so depressed

  • taccy

    Gudevening … I m ash, i luvs a girl.i luv her alot and till yestrday mrng she also says dat she luv me ,she cnt liv wtht me… But i realised or giv her sme lessons and aftr dat she said leave me ,i hate u,means the girl who saying me dat m her hsbnd is saying m just frnd.i cried ovrnyt n rite nw m full of tears .u all r my seniors ,,.i always cnvince her doesnt mattrs dat m ryt or she ryt d thng is i hv to say srry n cnvince.if i say dun tok she wil say ok i wont.. M in tnsn frm last nyt,calling her again n again… But she pik d cl but place it on tble or smewhere else but dnt tok.m literaallly cryng tell me smethng helpful.

  • kavin paker

    Have faith in yourself. I think you will be surprised by how much you will do, all in good time!
    Alpen hotel

  • Mona Ali
  • bill

    Drinking?

  • ayki

    i really love my boyfriend. i broke up with him earlier, and said i dont mean it after. he said he had enough of my foolish drama. and now i dnt have any idea if we can be together again or never.. im so worried

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  • MKP

    These are some very good points to help a person get to that moment of peace in your life, no matter your back ground, no matter your religion, we can all look at these and work on gaining the skills to get back to a peaceful life.
    I have had to work on it myself for years, and trying to find some good ways for a friend, I stumbled upon this, and saw I could use many of these till this day. Thanks for sharing.

  • Justagirl

    I’m a 15 year old girl, with a lot of stress. My life is in no way horrible. I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and some really great friends. But sadly, I’ve let everything overwhelm me. You name it: school, friends, family. I’ve tried to let things go, but its so hard especially with a past like mine. I’ve been through anorexia, anxiety, depression, and physical abuse. Sometimes I can pull myself together, but then I’ll go to a therapist appointment, or a dietician appointment and then my mom says that I have to eat, when I really don’t want to. I feel like everything is out of my control. So I’m asking one question…how do you let go of something that’s not in your control? Things that you fear the most?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It sounds like we’ve had very similar pasts, as I also struggled with an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and abuse. And feeling out of control has always been one of my greatest triggers.

    One thing that’s helped me is to focus on what I can control. Taking responsibility for changing the things I can change helps me to accept the things I can’t–because I realize that I am not powerless; I’m merely not in control of everything.

    That being said, this is admittedly harder when you’re dependent on other people and feel you cannot leave (which is generally the case when you’re not an adult)–and even more difficult if you’re living in abusive home. Are you still subjected to abuse?

    Lori

  • hush

    In relationships most pple want relief and not cure..most expecially abusive relationship for long time and its hard to let go and it becomes more painful if u let go bec so many years is involved. .I want cure and if I date for like 6months and I see its abusive I will end it right away. .bec if it continues for years it will be too painful wen u let go..all we need is cure and not relief. .its easier to let go of a human dan a hero..I love dis post ..u cant change abusive pple..u have to run away frm dem if not dey will make ur life miserable..forget abt ur age or time wasted its better to let go dan keep wasting time no changes..its better to let go dan to regret later..

  • hmw

    Namo Buddhaya