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20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb

As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.

Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about my intentions and character, ending his email with “Buddha would be appalled.”

As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt angry.

I felt angry because I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the type of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.

I felt angry because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.

I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.

I ended up responding to his email fairly quickly with a little bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. After I pressed send, I felt a little angry with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.

It’s inevitable that I’ll feel that way again—and many times, with people I know well and love. We all will. We’ll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to anger calmly and productively.

If we’re mindful, we can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships.

With this in mind, I put together this guide to dealing with anger:

Sit with Your Anger

1. Allow yourself to feel angry.

You may think you need to cover “negative feelings” with positive ones. You don’t. You’re entitled to feel whatever you need to feel. We all are.

2. Make a conscious choice to sit with the feeling.

Oftentimes when I’m angry I feel the need to act on it, but later I generally wish I’d waited. Decide that you’re not going to do anything until the feeling has less of a grip on you.

3. Feel the anger in your body.

Is your neck tense? Is your chest burning? Is your throat tightening? Are your legs twitching? Recognize the sensations in your body and breathe into those areas to clear the blockages that are keeping you feeling stuck.

4. See this as an exercise in self-soothing.

You can get yourself all revved-up, stewing in righteousness and mentally rehashing all the ways you were wronged. Or you can talk yourself down from bitter rage into a place of inner calm. In the end, we’re the only ones responsible for our mental states, so this is a great opportunity to practice regulating yours.

5. Commit to acting without seeking retribution.

Decide that you’re not looking to get even or regain a sense of power. You’re looking to address the situation and communicate your thoughts about it clearly.

Explore Your Anger

6. Check in with your mood before the incident.

Were you having a bad day already? Were you already feeling annoyed or irritated? It could be that someone’s actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back, but not fully responsible for creating these feelings.

7. Ask yourself: Why is this bothering you so much?

Is it really what someone else did, or are you feeling angry because of what you’re interpreting their actions to mean? (For example, you may think that your boyfriend not showing up means that he doesn’t respect you, when he may have a valid explanation).

8. Take a projection inventory.

If you’re angry with someone for doing something that you’ve done many times before, your feelings may be magnified by seeing a behavior of your own that you’re not proud of. Look for all areas where you may be projecting your own traits onto someone else to get closer to root of your feelings.

9. Journal about it.

Grab your pen and walk yourself through it step by step. What did the other person do? Are you assuming negative intentions on their part? Have they done this before? How do you feel besides angry—do you feel insecure, frustrated, or confused? Get it all out.

10. Put it in a letter.

Now that you know more clearly what part the other person played in your anger and which part is more about you, write a letter to him or her. You may send this letter, or you might end up just burning it. This is to help you clarify what exactly you’d like that person to know, understand, or change.

Respond without Anger

11. Now that you’re clear about the role you played in your anger, initiate a verbal conversation about what bothered you.

You could also send the letter you wrote, but it will be easier to clarify parts the other person doesn’t understand if you’re having a direct back-and-forth exchange.

12. Use “I feel” language.

So instead of saying, “You didn’t show up so you obviously don’t care about me,” say, “When you forget about the things that are important to me, I feel hurt.” In this way, you’re not assuming the other person meant to make you feel bad—you’re just explaining how it makes you feel so they can understand how their actions impact you.

13. Resist the urge to unload all your unspoken grievances.

Sometimes one annoyance can open the floodgates to a laundry list of complaints—but no one responds well to a barrage of criticism. Stick to the issue at hand, and address the other things at some other time.

14. Stay open to the other person’s perspective.

It’s possible that they feel angry, too, and think that you’re the one in the wrong. It’s also possible that there isn’t a right or wrong, but rather two people who see things differently and need to see each other’s point of view.

15. Focus on creating a solution.

If your goal is to get the other person to admit that they’re wrong, you’ll probably end up in a power struggle. Focus instead on what you’d like to change in the future—for example, you’d appreciate it if she would come straight to you next time instead of complaining about you behind your back. You can help facilitate this by owning some responsibility—that you will listen if he comes to you instead of getting emotional.

Learn from Your Anger

16. Learn what you value.

This situation taught you something useful about what you value in the people you choose to be friends with—maybe directness, humility, or loyalty. This will help you decide which people you might want to spend more or less time with going forward.

17. Learn what you need.

It might be something you need to improve your relationship, or it might be that you need to end a relationship because you know it doesn’t serve you. Learn it, own it, act on it.

18. Learn how to communicate clearly.

This experience was an exercise in expressing yourself in the best way to be heard and understood. There will definitely be more situations like this in the future, so this is good practice for misunderstandings and struggles to come.

19. Learn how you can improve your response to anger going forward.

Maybe you reacted too quickly, so now you’ve learned to put more space between your feelings and your response. Maybe you got defensive, and the other person shut down, so you’ve learned to be less accusatory in the future.

20. Learn what you’ll do differently in the future.

You probably realized somewhere along this journey that you played some role in the situation. Very rarely is it black and white. Once you own your part, now you can use that knowledge to create more peaceful relationships going forward.

And lastly, forgive. As I wrote in my post about forgiveness, very few of us get to the ends of our lives and say, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” We generally say one of the following:

I love you. I forgive you. I’m sorry.

If that’s likely what you’ll feel when you realize time is running out, why not express it now, while you can still enjoy the peace it will give you?

Photo by robertmichalove

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (which includes one free eBook) & co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you get unstuck & change your life. She's now seeking stories to include in her next book, 365 Tiny Love Challenges by Tiny Buddha. Click here to share your story! For inspiring posts and wisdom quotes, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter & Facebook.

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  • http://lookingtobusiness.com Daniel Wood

    Especially in the heat of the moment anger is hard to controll.
    Breathing deeply and counting to ten, just trying to de-escalate the situation really helps me.

    Usually people don’t want to make you angry, they are just hurt themselves or don’t understand.
    If we can refrain from lashing out and instead seek to understand and help, usually the situation will solve itself.

  • Liesbeth

    Hi Lori,
    I enjoyed reading your post and I completely agree although it isn’t always easy to do when you’re angry. It gave me a warm feeling reading your post and hope it will help people look at their anger differenlty.
    Love,
    Liesbeth

  • http://twitter.com/30vanquish Matt R

    The letter tip is a very good strategy when dealing with anger. When I am really mad, I write it all out. Then I sit on the letter for a day. If I am still angry, I write more. However, I don’t send the writings out. I rip them up, as a symbolic way of letting go of the anger. Then I try to answer to the situation in the most objective way possible.

  • Dee

    I struggle with saying no and struggle with asking for a favour also, so much so that I avoid people, have become completely self-sufficient and quite a boring person!

    I was recently given this list of ‘some I’m OK statements’ to help me become more aware of my own and other peoples rights – I thought I’d share :)

    1. It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
    2. I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
    3. I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need.
    4. The fact that someone says no to my request doesn’t mean I should not have asked in the first place.
    5. I can insist on my rights and still be an OK person.
    6. I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though it may inconvenience others.
    7. The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be.
    8. There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine.
    9. I may want to please people I care about, but I don’t have to please them all the time.
    10. Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world too.
    11. If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them.  They will probably know that too.
    12. I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favour of me.
    13. The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
    14. If I say no to people and they get angry, that doesn’t mean that I should have said yes.
    15. I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.

    Thank you for your article, it is going to be a valuable resource for me in the very near future!

  • Joy

     This is the most profound article I have read in a long time (and I’m even an avid reader of Zen Habits)! I appreciate your thoughtful work so much. 

    Thank you, Lori.

  • Jennifer

    Great post! I know I have a problem wtih confrontation.  I also have some confusion with anger becasue when I was young, anger was never an appropriate response.  I remember the first time my boyfriend made me mad – I sat there and thought: “I’m just going to be mad at him as long as I want!  And I’m going to tell him too!”  It ended up lasting about 5 minutes and was a very good sharing experience – he had no clue how his words had made me feel.

    I also have difficulty saying no.  I tell my kids I practice on them. :)

  • Sgill821

    This is a wonderful article! I visit this site frequently and often find comfort, wisdom and useful approaches in the articles that I use for my personal life, as well as my professional life (professor/psychologist). This is by far one of the best articles I have read. Thank you for sharing and turning your negative experience into positive energy by using it as an example for others to learn from.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=547877861 Alida E Greenhalgh

    You know what? This is quite helpful as a way to see what others are doing that might even be similar to some one that angers us. I, personally, have discovered I really don’t like angers’ affects upon me and my entire system. 
    So, how to avoid situations that may make us angry? The hermit theory sounds attractive but having tried it has only resulted in teaching more. The only one I can control is myself, to state I don’t get angry would be me lying. To me, what’s important about it is; don’t make a meal out of the guilt from losing ones temper. Is there such a thing as righteous anger? Should we participate in life like door mats?
    This article and the words in comments are good advice. Even in light of today’s many visible injustices. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/thankful.project Julia Osovskaya

    All so very true!

  • http://www.gratitudetwentyfourseven.com Jarl

    Great advice Lori! We are all just trying to feel good. When something happens that doesn’t mirror back who we think we are, our ego scrambles to realign us. It often does it with anger or judgment. For him it was criticizing you and for you it was anger at him. Totally normal. As you say, the remedy is to accept what it is that we are feeling, take responsibility for creating it and remember, nothing is personal. “The world is not happening to you but FOR you,” as Howard Falco would say. We get to see through our interaction with others where we are not loving ourselves.  

  • Jarl

    Thanks for posting those 15 OK statements, Dee!

  • http://www.RubySlippersStudio.wordpress.com Callahan Mcdonough

    this is an outstanding post Lori ! I am printing it out as we speak. thanks much. 

  • Sleepy

    Blessings Lori. I am going through a difficult transition in my life and your generosity and honest sharing of beautiful life wisdom and learning has been a good friend, holding my hand and helping me along the way. Thank you.   

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    What a great list! Thanks for sharing this–it’s very helpful.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jennifer,

    I could relate to what you wrote in a big way. I think a lot of my adult people-pleasing tendencies come from my childhood. Sometimes I feel such instinctive resistance to saying no, as if I need to overextend myself or I won’t be loved. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m learning to practice saying no more often!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Jarl! This was really helpful to read. I know that sometimes people do and say things that are thoughtful and insensitive–I’ve done it myself at times. But I also know we are all responsible for own feelings.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Alida. I spent a long time being the hermit–it felt like a smart way to avoid to get messy. And these types of situations and feelings definitely feel messy. When I’m dealing with something I’d rather avoid, I remind myself that it’s a sign I am an active part of the world, which is a good thing.

    You bring up a great point about righteous anger. I was just thinking today about how easy it is to cling to anger when you feel justified. I know I’ve done it. What’s helped me let go is remembering how much it’s hurt to hold onto anger in the past. It’s like the quote reads: “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.”

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! I get so much joy from writing and publishing other people’s insights here. Thank you for being part of this community. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That sounds like a smart idea. I find that when I write out a letter like this, I often include way more detail than I really need to communicate to the other person. It’s therapeutic to write it, but generally not necessary to send it all.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     Thanks Joy. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s a great point. Sometimes when someone seems hurtful, I assume they intended to be. It’s very helpful to remember they’re likely hurt and lashing out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this post helped you. Have a great weekend!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so happy to be helpful as you’re dealing with this transition. I’ve been through my share of those, and I know how difficult it can be to stay centered and find peace when there are challenges and unknowns. Sending you love and light =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • http://profiles.google.com/bevdiehl Beverly Diehl

    Wonderful wonderful wonderful.  Feeling Anger is NOT a bad thing.  Avoiding DEALING with anger in a healthy way is the bad thing. 

    Group of peops are participating in a self-discovery series her, on ANGER in the month o’ May.   http://biggirlbombshell.com/index.php/2011/05/may-word-by-word-self-discovery/ 

  • jana

    This post could not have come at a better time – I’ve been struggling with anger for about two weeks and it has been eating me up inside. I know I’m being silly but can’t keep from being angry. You’ve given me some great ways to reconsider my position and it is greatly appreciated. 

  • Happytosucceed

    “The people pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.”  I just heard that a political fella said that if Health Care is a right that everyone has, he, as a doctor, and everyone that works for him and that cleans the offices etc is a slave to anyone who comes in and asks for medical care.”  So what’s my point?  I guess my point could be that whoever’s metaphor is taken by the public as how things should be seen, wins the dabate.  – or that giving rights to groups instead of to individuals takes away individual  rights.
    More on topic: Great article!!!

  • lucy kalantari

    for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
    and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”

    it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!

    i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.

    most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades to the background.

  • lucy kalantari

    for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
    and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”

    it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!

    i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.

    most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades into the background. 

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose Alannah Rose

    This was a great piece, Lori.  I can only imagine how many emails you get asking for help, support, money, etc. since you have such a popular blog.  I would think you’d need pretty thick skin at times to deal with some of the responses you get when you say no as well!  It’s so wise of you to be able to step back and use something like that negative reaction as a learning experience–if only everyone had your thoughtfulness and wisdom!

    I have a complicated relationship with anger, because I grew up in a house where it was a go-to emotion for my parents, and there was a lot of yelling, blaming and making everyone feel bad, but then never any calm discussion about resolving issues afterward, so everything just piled up.  I also was not allowed to stand up for myself or give an opinion from a very early age, so I had a lifetime of anger and resentment built up just from that (let alone all of the other things I encourntered as a teenager!).  It really took me years to undo all the baggage I was carrying for all that time (which had greatly coloured my relationships and how I communicated).

    I have always allowed myself to feel angry… I truly don’t believe anger is anything to be ashamed of or hidden.  Feeling it and acting on it are two different things though, and that’s what I’ve had to learn the hard way.  I do think it’s really important for both people to calmly discuss how they felt after something happens, though, so that they can both be heard and learn how not to repeat the same patterns in the future.  That’s the step most people want to skip because it’s hard to talk about feelings, but it’s so important.

    The tips listed here are so helpful–this article is a great reminder for me to deal with anger in the healthiest way possible and use it as a learning experience.  It’s tough to remember in the heat of a confrontation, but everyone would benefit if we were all able to be mindful in the face of anger!

  • http://twitter.com/justsalas Justine Salas

    Wonderful post! I’ve had a lot of anger (or irritation, annoyance) that comes around quite a bit for me around one person. The more I’ve looked at it, I see that the anger is a symptom of other things in life . I’m trying to learn from it as best as I can, and this guide looks very helpful.  Thanks for this post.  By the way, the quote you mentioned, “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger,” felt very profound for me, since with what’s been happening lately, I personally know the truth of that statement.  Much love to you for putting this out into the world.  :)

  • http://www.theemotionmachine.com Steven

    Hey Lori, these are great suggestions for how to take our anger and learn from it. It always fascinate me how informative and helpful “negative” emotions can be. I actually just wrote a post about this too.

  • Marsha

     ‘anger’ and letting it get the best of me is the #1 issue I deal with.  I’m getting better but BOY is it tough to just ‘sit’ with it….but when I do, let the boiling over pot simmer down, I am able to consider my options cooly, calmy and not using my ‘critical judge’ voice.  thanks.

  • em

    why is the mercedes benz logo in the clouds? it’s definitely not a peace sign, since those have 4 lines, not 3.

    OTHER THAN THAAAAT… good article :) everyone needs to control their anger better.

  • Barbara

    This was so needed by me right now for the exactly the same reason. People are used to getting their way when they ask a woman to go that extra mile and we’re taught to submit and so it. We then bury the anger with ourselves and wonder why we feel so depressed. Learning to say no without guilt is the hardest lesson we have to learn, sometimes. And we get the guilt trip when we do say no, so we either knuckle under or or feel guilty. Good job for sticking to your guns and for letting the rest of us in on how to overcome the anger, either with ourselves or with someone else. By the way, I think Buddha would have said, “What have you learned?” and you told us. Thank You.

  • Compassionatechick

    What wonderful suggestions – thank you for creating such a thoughtful and caring site.
    BTW – I just can’t imagine the Buddha being appalled ;) 

  • http://www.wiseatwork.net Susie Amundson

    Hi Lori.

    tiny buddha is one of my favorite sites and I am so grateful for its calming influence in my daily life. So first off, thank you!

    Second, I really appreciate you talking about self-soothing because it’s often a piece that is missed in our “emotional intelligence.” We all get better and better at becoming aware of our feelings but then stepping up to actually nurture ourselves is yet another step that gets missed. When we are able to self-soothe, usually our thinking about the situation and empathy toward others and the situation changes immediately. At least, that’s been my experience.

    Warm blessings.

  • http://www.thevantagejourney.com Tariq and Shaheera

     Hi Lori! 

    Oh my, this came at the perfect time! Tariq and I was really angry at someone last night and we found it SO hard to control our anger. After talking about it together and realizing that the culprit was the one having problems, not us or anyone else in the room, things started to mellow down.

    Also, after reading the intro, I realized that your situation was pretty similar to what my friend faced recently. I actually wrote a post about it which will be published later today. Just FYI, I linked this article to it to help my readers take action in controlling their anger. Hope you don’t mind. I wanted to give a more wholesome approach :)

    Thanks for this gem, Lori!

    Shaheera

  • Brianneburrowes

     Love you. Love this post. xo

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know how difficult that can be! Sitting with feelings has never been my strong suit, but I know that when I resist the urge to act on them, they seem to have less power. I suspect this is a lifelong challenge–and I’m sure we’ll all have plenty of opportunities to practice!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this helped Jana. Have a great weekend =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Yes I know that feeling exactly! There have been times when I’ve dedicated full days to re-thinking a situation and how I should have handled it. It helps me to remember that there is a process that makes it easier to let go, and if I work my way through it, the feelings will eventually pass, as all feelings do. Of course that’s separate from communicating my needs, but always easier when I’m not stewing!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for the link, Beverly! I will definitely check it out.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Susie,

    I’m so glad this resonated with you. I think you hit the nail on the head about working through our feelings. Sometimes it’s so tempting to get lost in them without walking ourselves through them. When I’m getting wrapped up in difficult emotions, I try to imagine what I would say to my sister if she were in the same place. This makes it much easier to nurture myself!

    Blessings right back to you,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and thank you! I appreciate the kind words =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Barbara! I definitely fell into that guilty place, and I suspect that’s why I reacted so strongly. I often feel as though a “good person” would say yes to every request. When someone calls me on that, it speaks to that misguided inner assumption that has the potential to leave me overextended, depleted, and unhappy. It helps tremendously to work through these types of feelings here, and I’m so grateful to have these conversations that help me (and hopefully others) create healthy boundaries and deal with the resulting emotions.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Wow I didn’t notice that! The photographer tagged it on flickr with “peace” but you’re right! Thanks for the note. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Interesting reference! It’s true–we often interpret our “rights” as the things we think we should have. Thanks for the positive feedback. I’m glad this post resonated with you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    What a great post! I bookmarked your blog. Love it =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Justine. I know all too well how punishing anger can be. I’ve also found myself in that place where I frequently feel irritated by one person. The more I dig under the surface of it, the more I learn about myself and what I need. I think self-awareness is ultimately the foundation of happiness. Not easy, but definitely worth it. Much love back to you =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Alannah! It certainly helps to have an outlet to channel experiences like these into lessons. I could relate to what you wrote about your childhood in a big way. I had a similar experience, which created the people-pleaser in me. There was always a lot of anger and pain, and I just wanted to make everyone happy. I spent most of my 20s doing what I called “re-parenting” myself. I had to learn that it was OK to feel–and that if I felt negative feelings, it wasn’t because I deserved to hurt. And equally important, I could survive them. Sometimes I still need to work at it. What helps me is to continually remind myself that all feelings pass, but they’ll help more than they hurt if I feel them and learn from them.

  • Bob Calderon

    This is one of my favorite posts! Highly-recommended! :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     Thanks Brianne. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     Thanks Bob! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Shaheera. I will look forward to reading your post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002290045775 Preston Heinlein

     I had this tab open and closed my computer for a while… something happened afterwards that made me angry and when I came back, there the post was. Just when I needed it. Thanks for this. It was really helpful. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Charme Robarts

    Lori, blessings on you, anam cara. I appreciate your humility and your willingness to share with us. The person writing you will come to a place of peace and we will all be glad. For now, I am glad for your writing and your response to your own moment of stress. 

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  • Jess

    I couldn’t have read this post at a better time. After having a difficult situation with a close friend, I used what I had already learns on tinybuddha to help me through a hard time. This post is so well written and the ideas are so valuable. I appreciate this so much, and am so glad to be able to use many of this techniques in dealing with anger. Thanks, Lori!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great! You’re most welcome =)

  • CatherineSeven.com C7

    Amazing! So thankful to found your site! You do amazing writing!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     I’m so glad! =)

  • http://www.thevantagejourney.com Tariq and Shaheera

    Hi Lori!

    The post is up if you want to see it. You can find it here: http://www.thevantagejourney.com/2011/05/what-it-takes-to-be-a-business-owner-a-customer/

    What do you think we can do to make customers react more positively towards our business? Perhaps you have your own opinions to add about the subject. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think this comes back to the whole, “We have the right to refuse service to anyone” concept. I look at every interaction in the same context. It’s not friend to friend, or stranger to stranger, or business owner to customer–it’s human to human. And when it gets nasty, I let that person know it’s not OK. No one deserves that, ever!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BSSLYD2M7DGRVAZ4YJBAREXR4Q Jack

    It seems to me anger can be dealt with much more easily with a good kick to the throat of said jerk. But, that’s just me. 

  • PeaceLoveYoga

     Not sure how to stop being angry with my MIL for forwarding my personal email to her to my entire family. I wrote an honest letter to her about how I felt of her behavior and she decided to try to get the family on her side, leaving out the details of the nasty words she said to me. We help her monthly financially and support her however we can. I truly feel like we were being used for our willingness to help her, so she felt the need to try to make me look bad before I could “do it to her”.
    I don’t know how to have her in my life because my trust is gone. Trust is everything to me.
    My husband knows how she is and is totally supportive and my kids are still allowed to spend time with her but I am still at a loss as to why someone could be so hateful and rude. It doesn’t surprise me, but made me realize that our relationship wasn’t what I thought it was or could be. I know that anger doesn’t solve anything but it is somewhat mourning the loss of another “parent” figure since I don’t have parents in my life. My husband and I grew up in very chaotic unstable homes and idealistic we may be, we try to create harmony and peace in our lives. However, struggling with this situation does not make me feel peaceful. :(  
    I read the articles on this site and it helps a lot for various issues that I have or have dealt with in my life. I truly appreciate the time and wisdom that goes into each and ever article. 
    Thankful for any suggestions. :)

  • Dee

    I truely felt that your article and this list somehow belonged together, for me anyway!

    Originally, when I received this list, I wasn’t able to feel positive about it, I found that I reacted with a kind of spiteful stubborn defensiveness, effectively stamping my feet and creating a barrier between myself and the things that casused me difficulty “I am under no obligation to say yes to people”, I wanted to stamp out everything.

    Today I now truely understand that if someone says ‘no’ to me, it’s OK and if I
    say ‘no’ to someone, it’s ‘OK’, it’s as simple or as complicated as I want it to be.  I may say no and that person wants to abuse me, so I may say no to their abuse and they they may not like it, thats OK, I was not wrong to say no. I have the choice to decide what I want to say ‘no’ to.

    I’ve worked with your article this past week and it’s helped me to realise the simplicity of the above statements, they simply are the truth. I feel I was taught a different ‘truth’ in the past and that I had to fight against it, but actually, I was just angry and the anger was distorting my current thoughts.

    As my anger is fading, my hurt and confusion is also fading, I am feeling that my compassion and confidence has always been there, I don’t even need to build it up, I have just been fighting against it, blocking it with my anger.

    Sitting with my anger and allowing it to exist and fade away has allowed me to see how frightened I was of just feeling angry, allowed me see where the anger truely started, and also recognise that I was most definately projecting this anger and fear onto current situations.

    I simply cannot thank you enough!

  • Dee

    I suppose we are kind of like computers, we’re both programmed to do certain things and we use energy to do those things, the key differences are that a computer can be switched off, the energy supply that powers the program can be disconnected, it has time to cool down, we can’t disconnect ourselves from our programming because we constantly have an energy supply, we try to switch it off, by distraction or hiding under the bedcovers or reacting angrily…meanwhile our program is still running. But, where a computer cannot reprogram itself and cannot adapt, we can. Our responses to our feelings are our programming.  Originally, the program was written for us, by other people, as we become more independent we take control of our own programming, when we are ready, we start ammending our own program in the direction we want it to go.  We have the choice, a computer doesnt and that is why it is wonderful to be human :)

  • Dee

    Thank you Jarl for helping me feel OK about being thanked for doing something ;)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can totally understand your anger in this situation. It’s really unfortunate that your mother-in-law chose to do that. I can only imagine that she must be dealing with some deep pain of her own to feel the need to behave that way. For her to completely ignore the intention behind your message and immediately look for back up, she must feel as though she is somehow being attacked, even if that isn’t the case. Either that or she’s just not emotionally available or capable of having this conversation with you, so she feels the need to receive validation for her choice not to be in it. Maybe she feels ashamed of needing the financial help, so your message hurt in a way she felt she couldn’t bare alone.

    People often associate forgiveness with having trust for someone again, but I think that these two things don’t necessarily need to go hand-in-hand. You can forgive someone at any time once you decide that you won’t let what they did hurt you anymore. I think trust, on the other hand, is something that people need to earn back. It sounds as though your MIL isn’t ready to do that right now.

    My best suggestion would be to let her know you feel about what she did and then give her time and space to reflect on why she did it. In the meantime, set yourself free mentally to the best of your ability. I can understand why her actions were hurtful to you. If you do your best to let go of what happened until she’s ready to have a constructive conversation, her actions hopefully will have less power to hurt you going forward.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this post was helpful to you, Dee! I know that place of stubborn resistance well. I think we’ve all been there. What you wrote about saying no is incredibly powerful. I still struggle with that sometimes, and it’s a wonderful message, so thank you!

  • Al

     Hi Dee

    I just wanted to say thankyou for the list.

    I just want to add to 11, as it is something I struggle with. I have a long history of being made responsible for my problems nad although I am generally assertive enough to not struggle with the others, 11 undercuts the rest of these assertive skills.

    I’m guessing for most people 11 is fine, but for me: If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them.  They will probably know that too. – from my experience I find that hard to accept so I would alter 11 as

    11> If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them.  They will probably know that too. If not that is not my responsibility. i know I like them, their issues of trust, recipocrity, fairness (not saying these are negative but the issues behind them may well be) are their own, as are mine. If I like them then I need the faith in myself that they will realise that soon enough, and if I remain confident I help them regain that trust rather than pander to the fear.

    I know that’s really long, but some affirmations are longer than others (the irony of many statements on scientific method is that Occam’s Razor has not actually been proven scientifically (in fact double checking just now my previous research, I have found more arguments (academic journals) that the assumption of its utility is false, however this does not mean it cannot be succesfully applied just that it is not a necessary precondition)).

  • Al

    Thanks for this Lori.

    I had had a bad day, the angriest I have been for a long time. I came back to the place I am staying clicked on Stumble and this appeared.

    Perfect timing.

    As it happens I am aware of most of the principles, however I think I needed a tiny reminder.
    :-)

  • Al

     edit to above line 3-4: I have a long history of being made responsible for others problems

  • PeaceLoveYoga

    Thank you so much for your reply. 

    My mother-in-law has been “well-known” for her passive aggressiveness. There was a time when I would let her walk all over me. Like the rest of the family, discuss her behaviors amongst each other and never tell HER the truth. If course, time/age/growth has helped me realize that my opinion and thoughts counts too. Quite frankly, tired of her manipulating every situation that would not benefit her. I have the right to speak my mind. The entire family has let her do what she does for so long that I finally had enough. I know that the truth would hurt but getting it off my chest felt pretty good. My husband knew that I needed to let her know how I feel. In the past I have always let him handle his mother. He knew that this was something I needed to do for me, and to be prepared how she would react.  And of course true to form,  she did her best to hurt me right back, COMPLETELY avoiding the original issue and calling attention to anything and everything that she thinks I did to HER in the past 15 years.  

    Obviously this was the wrong approach and I have learned that you can’t HELP someone who doesn’t know they have a problem. Instead I have to learn to create boundaries with people who have a history of being a master manipulator. The family was upset at me when they read the letter, because they thought I was “mean” for writing THE TRUTH, all the while agreeing with me that she behaves like that, but excusing it because “that’s mom”.  
    So  I take it day by day. You are right about her need to feel validation for her actions. If she had never tried to “get back at me” and handled the situation like an adult then the outcome would be much different for us. I never meant to hurt her, but as the truth hurts, so does the repercussion for being the messenger. I know that she wants all this to “go away”, but I am not ready to let her back into my everyday world. I have wonderful people in my life that lift me up not try to tear me down. That is how my husband and I try to live our lives together. Growing with positivity not drowning with stagnant negativity. Thank you for all the positivity of this website. I read it EVERYDAY since I discovered it and do my best to incorporate the wisdom. <3 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I know quite a few people who similar situations with their in-laws, and I feel for your pain with this one! I hope that she gets to the root of her feelings so that you two can have a constructive conversation. In the meantime, it sounds like the boundaries are a smart idea.

    Thank you for the kind words about Tiny Buddha. I love knowing that this site makes a positive difference. =)

  • http://twitter.com/CK_BokLove Tabitha Ramos

    Your right… and I’m going to put these suggestions to use in my life, Thank You for the post!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

     You’re most welcome!

  • Joemateocan@hotmail.com

    Great thoughts here! Breathing into tension really does work as so does seeing how anger is related to other situations, not just one.

  • http://sydsense.blogspot.com/ Sydney

    i like the last 3 points! :)

  • little nietzsche

    Very good tips!

    Myself, I tend to look differently at the core of the problem, but most of the tips still apply to that.
    My view is, it’s usually never about you.

    First, that other person did not react to me, not unless he/she knows me well. She reacted to her (as limited as anyone’s) impressions of the world, and her needs not being fulfilled, her anger being a problem in the first place. When I realize that, my anger is rather quick to turn into feeling sorry for that other person, and I’m more or less done feeling angry in an instant.

    The other problem is people who do know me well. Count. Count, how many times this person has actually disrespected me. Out of spite. If I use up all the fingers on my hand, maybe it’s time for serious talk. If not, I just more or less follow the tips. And try to realize the single most important thing about life. It’s almost never about me. I am not the focal poit of universe, and whatever has happened, I will get my explanation, sooner or later. For most evil that is done, is not done on purpose. When it is, it’s time to react.

    Sometimes it’s a metter of whether I’m willing to change. But me, not the other person. I have this friend, who is known to be late sometimes. Although saying he’s late is like saying an apple is smaller that the Sun. Correct, but doesn’t convey the scale. Let’s say when we go on holiday, and he doesn’t show up, we just jump in a car and go. No sense in waiting 4 hours. And he usually hitchhikes all the way to join us. We all want to be friends, and made adjustments. We’re no longer angry he’s late, he’s not angry we’ve not waited.

    Look how hard it’s to change yourself. Trying to change another person is beyond impossible (although you may be able to help a bit if he sincerely wants to change himself).

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Wow you have some wonderful insights! I can’t even count all the times my mother told a younger me “Not everything is about you.” You’re right–remembering this is a fantastic way to diffuse anger, and I suspect it’s also the best way to legitimately help someone else.

  • Mch21493

    Fantastic post.  Not only is this very insightful in relation the the Chinese proverb, but it’s also quite helpful.  I’ll be sure to keep these tips in mind for better living. I’m looking to do a similar thing at my blog ( http://suburbanteenphilosopher.tumblr.com/ ) so check it out if you get the chance. I’d love to get some feedback and advice from the tiny buddha!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there! Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you found this post helpful. Regarding feedback, I actually offer blog consulting services. I’d be happy to schedule a call to discuss your blog. You can read more information here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog-services/

    And can contact me at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Genevieve-Simperingham/514972263 Genevieve Simperingham

    Hi Dee, I LOVE this list, I really resonate with it. Do you know who wrote it originally?  I wonder could I share it on, I’d like to share it on my fb page the way of the peaceful parent, does that sound ok? Thanks, Genevieve

  • Divit2

    I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve been betrayed in my relationship, Even if I feel things will be ok, I’ll have a bad day, and feel depressed & angry again. All my emotions are causing thoughts such as, should I stay in this relationship? If I can forgive & move on (with him) will I be happy? Or is my gut feeling trying to tell me to leave? I’m not happy, but I wonder if it’s because Ive been swimming in resentment for over almost a year now? Basically, I can’t figure out what my brain & heart are wanting/trying to tell me. I don’t think I capable of proper forgivness, because I let memories of hurt still fester.. I appreciate your post and insight however… thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Al! I’m sorry for the slow response. For some reason, I missed this comment. I hope you’re having a nice weekend. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I really feel for your situation. It can be so difficult to move on from a betrayal. I’m sure there is no easy answer here because of all the complicated emotions. But I can say that a year is a long time to feel resentful and angry. I’m sure you can feel the pain in both your mind and body. I hope that whatever choice you make, it’s the one that allows to let go and heal.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Funkyash04

    hey hi.. i really like and appreciate the list that u have put up..i often end up concluding that i am the one who always has to compromise, but ur list has given a pretty good insight to live a peaceful life without any regrets and also that we don’t need to be a “YES MAN” always..

  • John Lindquist

    I thought anger was just another way of covering upour fears?
    help me with this……John

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi John,

    How can I help?

    Lori

  • http://tammi-tan.blogspot.com tammi

    Thanks for this great article. I’ve always had trouble handling anger and realize it takes constant management. While it’s not possible to become a sweet tempered person overnight, I now try to shorten my “anger period” so I move on instead of harping on it. Constantly working on it and this is a great guide to refer to!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Tammi! I’m generally sweet-tempered, but oftentimes that can turn into passive aggression. These steps have really helped me understand, work through, and communicate my anger, instead of stuffing it down. I’m so glad they were helpful to you, too. =)

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  • Dean

    Well i got mad at my cousin for no absolute reason, now i feel angry and sorry. But i can feel the tighting in my throat and the tensity in my chest like i want to explode with all feelings  i have about every one!!! i get annoyed right away! i feel like punching a wall!! DO I HAVE ANGER ISSUES?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Dean,

    I think we all feel intense anger on occasions. The question is: How often do you feel like your anger takes control of you? (You don’t need to answer this for me–it’s for you).

    Lori

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  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing these tips. I have a recurring problem: I’m good at my job (at least I think I am!), yet I am very shy and timid. I tend to avoid conflictual situations and I try to resolve them when they happen, yet when a situation is aimed at myself, for valid or invalid reasons, I get very tense, stressed and angry – and incapable to respond. After, I then go into “I should have done this” and “I should have said that” mode, yet, rather than getting angry and trying to suppress anger or annoyance, I really should let it out when it needs to get out, and I will strive to apply these points, especially points 1 to 7.
    Point 20 is also very very valid but I believe that it needs to be expanded upon. Certainly you “helped” create the situation that you are in to some degree. A very interesting question for personal introspection is “what made me get this affected. Why did I fly off the handle. What made me as I am to react this way”. The situation you encountered may not have been of your creation, but your reaction was. Why did you react this way? You need to look into yourself for that, and it can be from somthing very very far back in your life that is poping back up, and making you feel insecure or bad… 

    Writing, and a self debrief is an excellent (and very cheap) therapy. Points 9 and 10 are excellent advice as I have found out in the past. If I may, though : Point 9: You are writing to yourself. Be as brutally honest as you possibily can. Do not gloss it over. Always be honest with yourself. Glossing over my be a temporary reprieve, but only if you were wrong with your actions, and re-reading it later on will help you – even if it is just to realise that what made you blow up was really a totally unimportant issue!
    Finally point 10. Write to someone, but always be polite, and never ever *ever* write when you are still angry. Bash out an email if you want, but take out their email address and save the draft. Come back the next day, 99 times out  of a hundred, you will delete it as you will realise that the situation was mostly inimportant and the message you wanted to convey at the time was not really worthy of your standards.

    If you do not have anger, how can you measure peace? We all have a dark side. How we manage it, and how we mange to overcome it if we have let it manage us in the past is how we all can become better.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Some great advice in here, Daniel! I love what you wrote about anger allowing us to measure peace. It’s the same with happiness and sadness, and all other polarizing emotions. Just another reason to appreciate our humanity. Even the most uncomfortable feelings have value.

  • Tedrick

    Astral Projection, anyone?

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  • Marissa

    I wanted to comment to say that this really helped me.  I have anger issues mainly with just one person specifically, my father, and it really escalated earlier today.  I tend not to stay angry long, but this list helped me approach a healthy aspect of actually dealing with my anger.  So thank you, again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Marissa. I’m glad this helped!

  • Grace Davis

    i dont think this is right.i am a revenge person.give ma a paragraph on what to do when your grandpa shuts down your computer then talk to me. no offence.

  • Grace Davis

    this is just not right for me.

  • Piyushno1

    arrrrggghhhh! iam a 1st year collage student and one of my friends friend always pop up in our PG by one way or another and disturbs our sleep and peace ..but thats not the thing to worry, the thing is that he comes during the times of submissions very often…wen we r too busy with our work and he brings another guy with him all the time,
    these both jerks come and sleep making us too feel lazy and this all shit makes my temper sooo high that even iam willing to sleep i cant because of them …wat to do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there. I know this is an obvious questions–but have you talked to them about how you feel and asked them to stop?

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  • Nancy

    Thanks so much for your posts here Lori, you are very compassionate, but practical :)

    For about 7 years i have struggled with crippling depression, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, always wondering why and consistently blowing up in anger at my boyfriend, once it has built up long enough.

    We met when he was 17 and i was 18, and at that time, he was a mess emotionally, due to his mentally/physically /spiritually abusive family influence. I, on the other hand, come from a loving immediate and extended family, who have pretty much always supported me. He has struggled with self harm and social anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and anger, some of which has spilled over into my life as manipulating me mentally and acting like everything that goes wrong is my fault…

    I do pretty much everything in the “partnership”…cook, clean, work, when i cant work because of my depression, my parents give me money, which, at 27 years old, feels really shitty. His parents give him merry hell and put him through a lot of abuse if he tries to ask for the same, so i feel bad if he does, but he hasn’t worked in years and what makes my anger intensify is he doesn’t really do anything for himself around the house…but he really has no one in this life that unconditionally loves him and has always been told he is worthless.

    I desperately try not to resent him, but even though i feel i understand his situation, my resentment builds, then explodes at him. I say things like, “you only exist because of me”…to be fair to myself, these blowups usually result from him blaming me for something i feel is unjust…and not leaving me alone until i snap…almost like he’s testing the limits of my love.

    So, what’s my question? When understanding cannot trump the feelings of resentment and anger, how does one cope? I also lost my 14 year old sister to suicide 7 years ago and get extremely angry at the idea of other peoples’ religion, as im jealous they can gain comfort from a lie i cannot believe…in many ways my boyfriend has helped me a lot through my struggles, trying to point out the many ways in which i delude myself, but when he does, i just get defensive and angry at him…

    I know this is quite a load to dump on a forum, but i wanted to give an honest background to my question, in the hopes of gaining a more relevant answer…i have tried to ask him politely on many occasions to help me around the house, but it just never changes. His mum always did everything around the house for her kids and husband…i used to be a feminist, but now i am torn between love and inner peace….quite a conundrum…

    Any insights you might have would be appreciated

    Love and light to you all xx

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nancy,

    I can understand why you’d feel resentment given the circumstances. It sounds like there’s a lot of conflicting emotions on both sides, because of your different backgrounds, your unique challenges, and how it all comes together.

    I’m not really sure what advice to offer because there really isn’t an easy answer here. I suspect it would be helpful to turn your focus inward so that you’re putting your energy into moving beyond your depression. Anything that annoys or frustrates you will be intensified when you’re in the thick of that. That’s not to say your boyfriend doesn’t have room for growth and improvement; it’s just that the only person you can change is you.

    Are you currently getting treatment? When I was at my lowest, I saw a therapist twice a week, and it helped a great deal. I was also over-medicated–and I don’t recommend that. But if you are dealing with clinical depression, medication can help.

    Once you get into a healthier mental state, it will be a lot easier for you to recognize what you need to do within your relationship and then find the strength to do it.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Little_green_chicken

    Hi lori,

    I really appreciate your kind words, just trying to think about how i feel about it all and focusing on my own journey has begun to make me feel less awful. Its interesting how simply allowing yourself to express your current mood can uplift it so…

    I have tried many treatments and talked to many “professionals” about my depression, but have had frightening experiences…there are many who do not belong in that profession! I have taken medication that made me try to do myself in because i felt even more empty than when i was depressed!

    Strangely enough, the only useful advice i have ever gotten is from this tiny buddha ;)

    Professionals and medication help some people, so i’ve heard, but for me, feeling like im sick gives me a strong sense of hopelessness and impotence, in terms of change…that is why this site rocks so hard, because it gives you real things to do to change things and doesnt have ANY ulterior motive to keep you on the hook :)

    The last few weeks my boyfriend and i have been doing much better, we quit smoking weed and eating junk food, also started exercising lots…any endorphins one can get when depressed and anxious are good!

    The thing is, people gotta want to change, or they just wont! Good to be in that place now, before, i couldnt face what had happened without my green friend, but i am now and its painful, but real!

    Once again, thank you so much, this has helped me put things in perspective and get on the road to engaging with life again…you are something special, keep on doing what you are doing with this site, it was meant to be!

    Love Nancy xxoo

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nancy,

    That’s awesome you’ve made those positive changes! I’ve actually read that smoking a lot of weed can worsen depression, so just making that change is sure to make a big difference. I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you! I’ve gone through a lot of difficult times in my life, and I love being able to help people when they are going through theirs.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Patrick_welch13

    Ty so much was very helpful

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Leceadricke

    This is the best way to find a peaceful way with your anger and the people who tried this good luck with every thing and i wish you the best ~leceadricke young

  • Bashirhadiza

    Hmmm

  • Arnold Clarissa

    i love this speach it is a lot about anger and where it take place

  • Arnold Clarissa

    you do have a lot of commets on the top of that stuts 

  • Arnold Clarissa

    dang u write a lot dang boyyyyyyyyyy just kindin u want to be on my friend list

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Victor-E-Medley/1506442014 Victor E. Medley

    THANK YOU SIR AND THANK YOU ALL!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m not sure if this was meant for me, but if it was, you are most welcome! =)

  • iqrakalim

    thanks i guess ill make her realize that she was wrong and now i think i know how to thanks

  • allie!!(:

    I get mad A LOT! like its bad! and when i get mad there is no calming me down! and when people try to cAlm me down it makes me even more mad so I don’t really know what i need to do?!? so I just go on bein mad.. but I’m goin to try this and see how it works.. I hope that it helps me out big time! because I let my anger get to me and it not only effects me but it effects the people around me and I do t like that. so I’m gonna give this a try!! (:

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean Allie! Sometimes when I’m really angry it annoys me
    to be told to calm down. Usually I need to give myself some space to
    take some deep breaths and clear my head. I hope my posts helps you too!

  • Pingback: Help me « thisthingthatthing

  • guest

    but what if i don’t feel like not being angry? in the heat of it all it’s hard to want to calm down. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I understand. Sometimes when I feel like being angry, I sit with that feeling for a while, and then ask myself, “How is this serving me?” Usually when I’ve allowed myself to feel my feelings, instead of denying them, I am better able to recognize the benefits of letting them go.

  • RobertFretwell

    IF YOU BELIVE YOU can do eney thing rimmber JUST BELIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  • Ladylauralei

    Thank you for the great advice! I’m still struggling with a friend whom is moving to a place I had intended to move in the future! Sad to think that I don’t want to live in the same town has her because after living in a small town for 20 yrs and feeling like I’m in competition with her I don’t want it anymore! I’m trying to look at the possible move as something that will help me grow and figure my own life out better! Maybe this is what needed to happen, just wished she wasn’t going to a town where I wanted to go to that hurt!

  • Ladylauralei

    I like that thank you! I didn’t realize I was like others!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m sure it must be tough to see your friend doing something you wanted to do. I’m glad you’re looking at it from an empowering angle and feeling better about it. =)

  • Earl

    I’m always checking google for the questions that I need an answer. But it’s my first time to check google about anger. Right now it’s 6:51 in the morning and awhile ago around 6:00 in the morning I was so angry. But after reading this blog I feel relaxed, It’s like almost all of the anger inside my body drained while reading this article. Thank you Lori Deschene.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome Earl. I’m glad it helped. =)

  • Sydsaunt

    Thank you for this I have been so angry lately and this helped a bit

  • shenanniegans

    What do i do if the damage has been done and i freaked out on the person. I am appalled at the things I said.. I greatly admire and respect him. I apologized but he didnt reply to my emails and I did not bother to re-check on him. I am scared. I would rather sit here tinking that he forgave me than knowing the real deal :_( I have been scouring the internet and people keep saying to just leave him alone and he will come around. Is that what I should do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s a tough situation–and I can understand your feelings here! It’s tough to feel like you feel strong remorse, but it’s not being received. If I were in your shoes, I’d write to let him know how badly I feel and I’d include the part about greatly admiring and respecting him. Then I’d let him know I understand and respect that he may need time to forgive me. 

    If you did something like this, you’d be reiterating your remorse/taking responsibility, while also letting him know that you’d like to rekindle the friendship (or romance, if that’s the case) when he feels ready. This way, he knows you care enough to try to make amends–but also that you’re wiling to let it be on his terms. 

    I hope this helps!

  • Sadiye9

    Hi Mrs. Lori! My name is Shadia from Turkey.i read your article and like this kind of writing so much.i wonder most is whether you have books about those subjects.i love the way you thought and i want to improve my english with your useful writings.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you found this post helpful Sadiye! What kind of books are you looking for? About anger…?

  • Sadiye9

    it may be about personal capability,mentality or self control mrs. Lori.i like this kind of books.i will be very happy if you have and write your book’s name to me.thanks in advance.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can’t think of any books on that topic off the top of my head. I’ll let you know if I do! Regarding my book, you can find that here: http://amzn.to/oydElt

    Have a great afternoon!

  • wilnise

    I have a big problem with my mom she like my 2oldest sis then me and i dont know how to make her love me…………………….wilnise job

  • Ellewoods

    This won’t help for me !! Sorry

  • http://www.arttherapyspot.com/ Sara

    Wonderful post and exactly what I needed to read at this very moment :)

    I also struggle with ‘people pleasing’ tendencies, and have also struggled with allowing feelings of anger to arise. As you wrote, allowing the anger to be present is one of the most important first steps. When I accept whatever emotion is (already) here, I am become aware of how transitory each emotion truly is…helping me to appreciate whatever is ‘here’ with a more open heart.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Sara–I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • http://twitter.com/GenusUnknown genus:unknown

    What do you do about the long-standing, simmering kind of anger? A “grudge,” I guess you’d call it?

    My, er, “father” (I’ve personally disowned him, and resent having to use the “f word”) was an abusive, angry alcoholic. I grew up with a daily barrage of verbal and emotional abuse, and I got the best of it — my mom got the same treatment plus physical beatings and death threats. He pulled a gun on her regularly, and pulled the trigger once (the gun misfired, but hey, it’s the thought that counts). He, of course, never showed an iota of remorse for what he’d done or concern for what he was putting his family through. I’m convinced he didn’t love us, and suspect that he may have been a psychopath who couldn’t love anyone or anything except his booze.

    I’ve hated him since I was a little kid. He died when I was 17 (I’m 26 now), but that didn’t stop the hate and anger. Try as I might, I just can’t conjure up any positive feelings for that man. I can’t forgive him, and I don’t really see why I should, except for the fact that all this anger is giving me an ulcer. But what am I supposed to do? Ignore the past? Forget any of it ever happened?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you experienced in your childhood. That must have been terrifying for you. I understand why it would feel hard to let go and forgive after enduring that abuse and witnessing your mother’s.

    Have you ever seen a therapist to work through your feelings about your past? I saw one when I was a teen, and I’m confident it saved my life.

    There are a couple of other posts on the site that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-open-yourself-to-love-when-you-didn%E2%80%99t-grow-up-with-it/
    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-of-your-past-to-create-a-new-future/

    These are two posts from people who’ve had similar experiences in their childhoods.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Kadijahwhite86

    thank u

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Kate

    Great post.  Thanks!

  • carol

    Hi!
    I really like the post, but as much i want to apply it to me…..I really can’t do it, I really don’t want to feel this way….but I really hated these persons around me at the company I worked in….I really feel frustrated with the brand I’m handling but i don’t think they’re not responsible enough to make it grow, it really pissed me off. And it seems that I can’t take this feeling towards them anymore …I really hated them.
    What you think I should do?….I also wished them to be burned in hell.
    I should not think of these ‘coz I know it’s not right, but I don’t know….pls help….

  • Adityanirmohi7

    Motivating

  • Leila Chabane

    this was sooooooo helpful thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • My My

    Not true, i always act on it like NOW

  • My My

    So lame, y not act on it? We feel sorry but they will keep annoying us

  • My My

    Not the point dee, besides, when we feel sorry for people and regret revenging but they still hate us..

  • NotTrulyYou

    You can’t just act on a situation until you analyze what happened and everyone that is involved in it. That’s why you wait for the situation to lighten up a bit before making a move. Making a move immediately could cause more commotion to the problem. When you figure out the problem you can try to fix it. Keep reminding yourself of the problem, or the other person. In a nice way of course.

  • Hashenafinonyoubeezwax

    this really helped me ! thanks !

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • AngryWife

    This list is wonderful. Thank you for laying out these steps. I grew up in a very angry family, and it’s become a part of who I am. Now that I’m married, I realize how destructive my anger is. I will definitely be giving these steps a try.

  • Rares

    Also, If you wanna get rid of the anger you have towards someone, you can just write down the stuff you want to say to that person , or rant about him.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I grew up around a lot of anger too, so I can absolutely relate. I’m glad you found this post helpful. =)

  • Coco

    I love this message! Often I think about it and then I forget about it when I need to act and cool down…. Thank you..!

  • http://twitter.com/Anthonynyny Anthony Wilkins

    Such a great list! I shall to these next time I’m angry. Even Chinese Proverbs says “If you are patient in one moment of Anger. You’ll escape 100 days sorrow.”

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Anthony! I’m glad you found this post helpful!

  • http://www.facebook.com/terance.schmidt Terance Schmidt

    Could it be that perhaps the instinct toward anger when our boundaries are violated is not only for our protection, but also part of nature’s means for the enlightenment of the the thoughtless one?

    I see that my cat grows snarly and scratchy when his food bowl is touched. He does not retain the anger. I don’t hold a grudge either. But I have stopped touching his food bowl. Perfect harmony.

    Sometimes a person is lost in the great fog of “I know best what you need to be doing, how dare you not do what I tell you”. A quick boot to the head may be just what the universe has ordained for the unclouding of this poor befuddled soul.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for sharing your perspective Terance! I think you bring up a great point that letting people know about our anger gives them a cue to make positive changes. (I’m assuming you mean a metaphorical boot to the head…?)

  • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

    This was a wonderful post :). Sometimes I am amazed how the right post can find us at the right time. Though, I guess that deals with the fact that I am looking for answers and consequentially am drawn to content that will give me that answer.

    Recently I had a situation where someone spoke negatively about me behind my back. I wasn’t sure how to respond as it bothered me but I didn’t know how to express it. This post is very helpful in approaching this issue. I need to sit back and see what I can learn from this experience. Great post!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped you see things differently!

  • SomeDanishGuy

    Like you suggested in the article above, I feel like I need to write down some things to work with this issue in the right way. I will do this in a messy quick way since it is really just for myself (no answer is needed, maybe some of you can use this for a read…).. Since I’m a “way to modern” youngster I apparently have a too hard time doing it with paper and pen, so I will do it here… in poor english aswell

    Some weeks ago a older team member from my sports club expressed his negative feelings towards me in front of the rest of the team. I earlier hadn’t known of these feelings. In this confrontation he told me that “he really didn’t like me or my whole person” and called me “arrogant p—-” which stuck with me for a long time. This felt so wrong and against everything I hope of others to know me by, and at first I took it as a direct fact “added” to my personality which let close to self-disgust… In the situation I sat through it and didn’t answer, I never had the need of answering back to him but am still struggling with seeing the memory without a strong feel of “pain”

    He’s the type that is talking shit about people to them to be that “funny guy” (not really my type of guy). I knew we were gonna be around a lot and wanted to get along with him well. I therefore “played back” in what I thought of as a “ping pong” trash talk… Like all the others I never took what he said for an expression of real feelings whenever he was joking by making insults.

    This didn’t fit with him (maybe because I’m younger) and he took it as a loss of his power toward the rest of the team hearing a cocky junior athlete answer back (which is how I normally am since I’m around people with the ability to laugh about themselves, just like myself)…

    In the process of working this out (that’s right now I guess…) I found understanding a few things very helpful:
    - Even when insulting, his opinion is not really important to me
    - The after effects of his insult was not the purpose (it really just was letting it out)
    - His whole anger is based on a wrong impression of me not me

    Some mind find my way of handling with this issue wrong, and maybe it isn’t the optimal solution. So far I’m good and if he ever turns back to expressing his anger towards me I will try and explain that I never meant no harm and that I misunderstood the way of communicating with him probably… as well that what he said was causing awful lot of pain even for so simple words…

  • Yogi’s Basket

    You need a “shit umbrella” my friend… other people’s shit! So much of this rings true for me! Especially point 5. Commit to acting without seeking retribution. Haha.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Overpowered123 Anthony Wilkins

    This is truly an insightful post. Thank you soooooo much for sharing! (:

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Anthony!

  • Guest

    Thank you for this post. I feel that I learned a lot about it and that you are absolutely correct. I also feel that if you recognize your role in the situation, you should acknowledge that to the other person and they will feel that you are being authentic about repairing the relationship or not.

    Thank you once again! :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! That’s a great point, about acknowledging your role to the other person. It definitely shows the desire to reach some sort of resolution.

  • abbygirl

    I have to say, I LOVE this website. I just recently discovered the site after my counsellor made the comment to me “be kind to yourself”. I decided to google “be kind to yourself” and your website was one of the first ones in the list. I have been hooked since and it has helped me so much in my growth. I loved this article, very timely for me. I am intrigued by number 8, take a projection inventory, but I’m not sure I fully understand, or cannot think of a situation. Can you expand on this?

  • Isaac

    This didn’t help at all and I am angry still and I really am angry because my muscles are twitching and my hands are pulsing. Please help me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Isaac,

    How can I help?

    Lori

  • mahendra

    thanks for ur valuable ideas. want to knw more abou handling situations. Thanku vry much once again…!!!!

  • PhongVu T.

    Anger to me is emotional energy that gives strength to change a perceived wrong. However, how that anger is expressed depends on the person…

  • YouAreDivine

    First I wanna say a lot of those seem very helpful and constructive! Thanks for posting this when you felt angry yourself – I guess you empathized lol.

    Second, a lot of what you were saying sounds pretty similar to Nonviolent Communication (NVC, or giraffe language). Have you seen the 3-hour-long San Fransisco lecture by Marshall Rosenberg about it on youtube? It’s long but so worth it if you haven’t! :-)

    Third, and on a bit of a different track, I wonder where is the part in what you suggested, or in NVC for that matter, perhaps, where you can really let out your feelings – like say cry or scream into a pillow or punch a punching bag? Is that considered too violent or extreme to even let out that way in buddhism, or NVC for that matter? Because I don’t know that I can’t NOT cry if my body needs to cry, you know? I need physical release, and I feel like, if you’re suggesting we shouldn’t do that part, that is a lot to ask, at least for me, possibly impossible for me and I don’t say much is impossible for me.

    I felt like that part, letting it out in whatever primal way that’s acceptable I guess, should come at the beginning with 1) allowing (or is that what you meant by allowing? does that part mean i can let it out physically?), or at several points (during journaling/letter writing even). :-)

    So I know a goal of buddhism is to be more even and go with things and not get to extreme in one’s feelings, but is that really healthy? it doesn’t feel healthy for me, or natural, but I love so much about buddhism that I’m interested in talking more about this concept I guess. I want to use this, but crying or punching a pillow is part of the allowing stage to me ;-)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this was helpful to you! I actually haven’t read much about non-violent communication, but non-violent certainly seems like the best approach to anything!

    In regards to your question, about letting our feelings out, I didn’t touch on this in the post, but I think part of allowing ourselves to feel what we feel is often letting ourselves cry. Regarding punching a pillow, studies actually show that this can increase anger. (http://psychologydegreeguide.org/anger-psychology/)

    I personally think that acknowledging and feeling our feelings is a very healthy thing, even if they happen to feel extreme. Though I have recognized that when I observe my thoughts, I often recognize I’m creating extreme emotions through my distorter thinking and getting myself more upset then I need to be.

    One other thing: This post isn’t necessarily what Buddhists say about dealing with anger. It’s my own personal step-by-step process, and some of it naturally reflects my interest in Buddhism!

  • k.Anand

    Thanku for guide

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • Zuupdesign

    http://www.zuup.com/what-is-zuup here. Level up with the way you take your vitamins and medicaitons, and supplements. Zuup’s unique functionalities that make it stylish, easy, and discreet, you’ll never go back to using traditional pill bottles again!

  • pessa

    I need this. the only reason I am still posting, is because the root of my issue is sleeping in the room next to me. he calls my mom by every name in the book, and the most optimistic thing he has said to her in 8 years is “finally you have decent breath”

  • Madison, WI

    i have tried to contact someone about a purchase thru paypal on 2-19 and do not get a responce paypal said i had to contact you. I have thru contact and have not heard from anyone. There is no phone number. How do I find out where my purchase is.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Madison~ Can you please email me at email @ tinybuddha . com? (Without the spaces.) I’m happy to help!

  • Dyans

    Hey Thank You So Much I Really Loved And Enjoyed It I Really Appreciate You Putting This Up I Am 15 And I Have Really Anger Problems I Get Angry To Fast And I Just Need Someone To Talk To But Yet There’s No One. I Love This I Will Use This For The Next Time Thanks You So Much And Keep Up The Good Work !(:

  • Tamsyn

    This really hit home for me. I have recently realised that I hold a huge amount of anger towards my mother. Although I had an inkling they were still there – recent psychotherapy has brought these feelings to the surface. I thought I had dealt with these emotions and feelings many years ago, but at 21 I am feeling them all over again, and for some reason they seem so much stronger and difficult. I struggle to sit with the overpowering emotion. I know that these feelings won’t hurt or destroy me, but when self harm is an issue it’s hard to sit with these feelings and let them drive me to the point of needing to hurt someone or something (usually myself). I found this article useful and will definitely be trying to embrace some of this in the future. Have you thought about doing any recorded podcasts or anything like that to help guide through these difficult moments. When I’m guided I find it easier to sit with the feelings and have them soften, but on my own it feel impossible. Thanks again for this post. I hope to contribute in the future.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Dyans! I’d say my anger was its strongest in my teens. There’s a lot to deal with around your age, and I know it isn’t easy. I’m glad this helped!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Tamsyn. Im so glad this was helpful to you. I went through phases of self-harm when I was younger. I always self-destructed when I felt angry with others who I felt hurt me–which seems so ironic in retrospect, that I internalized that as anger with myself. I think I just felt certain I somehow deserved to be hurt, and also I wanted some type of physical representation of the deep emotional pain that sometimes felt too overwhelming for me to feel. I haven’t thought about doing podcasts, but that sounds like a great idea. Thank you for the suggestion!

    Incidentally, I don’t know if you saw these other two posts I wrote, but you may find them helpful:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-relationship-with-a-loved-one-who-has-hurt-you/

  • Tamsyn

    Hi Lori,
    Thank you for your reply and directing me to the other articles. I’ve had a read of both of them and jotted a few reminders down in my journal for future reference. As I’m sure you know it’s extremely difficult maintaining a relationship with someone who has hurt, and continues to hurt you. My instinct is to cut all ties and completely eradicate my mother from my life, but unfortunately that is not possible. I definitely struggle with seeing how I am going to one day forgive her, particularly when she causes so much anger and rage within me. I so often feel exhausted and filed down by her. She’s the hammer and I’m the nail just being constantly knocked into the wood over and over and over. I’ve realised, I feel extremely trapped in this relationship, and I really cannot see a way out. Whilst I know explaining things to her and asking her to stop is the only way, that really really doesn’t feel viable or comfortable for me at the moment. It also doesn’t feel like the safest thing to do. It’s so hard just living through this pain as I start to go over and explore what happened to me in my childhood and teens. It’s having a profound impact on my ability to do anything, and getting out of bed and getting dressed is a tremendous struggle. Not ideal as a final year university student. I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass, and that I am not going to feel like this forever and eventually I will come out the other side of this turmoil much stronger and capable. But it’s difficult. Particularly when just getting through the day feels like an impossible feat. Thanks again for your reply, it’s comforting to know I am not alone in some of my feelings or coping mechanisms. I really really need to get back into meditation. I find myself putting pressure on myself to do it – thus making it even harder to get going – but hopefully I’ll get there. Thanks again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Tamsyn,

    I just sent you an email–just some stuff I preferred to share privately!

    Lori

  • FathimaZakaria

    i never felt angry!

  • FathimaZakaria

    what the heck!

  • FathimaZakaria

    hello

  • http://www.acnenomorereviewguide.com/ Julia

    Hi, I’m a Buddhist and your Tiny Buddha somehow attracted me to read your article. Gues what, this article came to me at the right time. My friend is having a difficult time with her husband now. She is angry but her husband feels he is not wrong. I agree with you that maybe there isn’t a right or wrong. But rather two people who sees things differently and need to see each other’s point of view. I have also read your post about forgiveness. I agree with you that the pain will go away overtime. Maybe my friend should just forgive and forget but I know it’s not so easy. I will definitely recommend my friend to read your articles. They are valuable.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Julia,

    Thanks so much. I’m glad you’ve found the posts helpful, and I hope your friend does as well!

    Lori

  • rob

    Very helpful

  • Victor Holmsted Jonsson

    i just took a beer and then i relaxed

  • the feathered one

    Thanks for the wise advice. It has helped me through a very difficult, repulsive, and challenging situation. Keep shining the positivity, it is not in vain! ;)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome, and thank you. =)

  • Mike

    This article really resonated with me however I guess I’m one of those people who simply can’t get away from my continued source of pain, being my ex-wife (we have two children). Moving on from a situation like this, is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life as you literally feel like you have no control over the source of the pain or when its going to hit you next. The pain could be old things dug up or new things thrown at you for whatever reason. It’s one thing to deal with a breakup and try to move on, it’s another to then have to see that person every other week for the rest of your kids lives and still have them as the “toxic” part of your life.

  • Kirti

    Hey Lori!!
    I’m an Indian engg student who is undergoing all the typical situations that an Indian engg student goes through (you might have read about them ;) )..
    Facing misunderstandings and the impending anger in relationships, trying to convince them, regretting when I think about what I could have done instead of lashing out – these form just a good portion of my stress… And I’d like to thank you for the above article.. My friends in India, even my parents for that matter, have always ridiculed me for writing down emotions or quotes on Post-Its. They call it sensitivity. But I do wanna be a good person.
    I have a doubt. Hope you reply to this, Ma’am.
    What do you do when your best friends and you get mad at each other because of mutual misunderstanding, we play the blame-game, there’s a lot of rage built. And when I begin to feel sorry and desperartely want to get them back and need unload all the tension, they shut me off saying they dont wanna talk about it and just move on.
    I’m not able to deal with that. How do you move ahead without clearing things and just pretend like it never happened? Wont they judge me again with that same situation still in mind?

    Hope you’d give me a solution :)
    Thank you again :)

  • Andrew Higgins

    Hi! I have problems with anger, stubbornness, impatience, lack of confidence, socialising, communicating, trusting and relaxing!

    Things that make me angry are dogs barking (I do not hate dogs! I just detest the noise!), neighbours banging, car horns, bikes buzzing, motorists parking where they shouldn’t, people getting in my way, being made to wait, being delayed, being late, people dictating to me what I can or can’t say, write or do, people trying to tell me how to do things that I believe I know how to do, people stating the obvious, having to repeat myself, people not doing what I ask or tell them to or doing things that I have asked or told them not to, people talking about benefits, being woken up, unwanted noise, people invading my personal space, being clingy, staring, gawping, giving weird looks, poking their noses where they aren’t wanted, responding when I don’t want them to, redirecting my temper instead of allowing me to calm down, violence, threats, theft, vandalism, victimisation, harassment, behaviour that I don’t understand!

  • Ariana

    Wow – I just googled what to do when your feeling angry and you came up … Thank God (Source of All) that you did. This was extremely helpful. Namaste.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Kirti. I can understand your frustration in that situation. Perhaps it would help to write your thoughts in a letter. That way, you’ll get to say what you want to say, and the other person can read it if/when they feel ready.

  • qt

    Thank you for this. Just… Thank you.
    This may be taking it on a weird level, but, I find that drawing diagrams–that show the logic of why the person has wronged me is wrong–calms me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. That’s an interesting approach–I think I’ll try that next time I feel wronged!

  • Phones

    I just stop talking but there was good information shown thank-you!!B-(I)

  • クリスチャンオードジェー

    この腕時計の電話 ショートブーツ レディース の画面はつの言葉で説明することができます!伝えるとともに

    、イメージまたはルプ子供を失うことなく、任意の角度で画面が表示され、子どもたちは今、はっきりと数字順安い腕時計電話を読み取る手助け時計の顔の周りに特殊なマーカーを、持

    っているいくつかのスタイルがあります!ウォッチ電話笑っライバンドの腕時計の携帯電話ブラックブルー、このトライバンド携帯電トワークをので動作します正確であるという評判を

    持っている時計メーカーの数は、耐久性があります、と素敵なを見て、人々は、彼らがそうに慣れていないことをすべての企業にチェックインに時間がかかることを確認してください、

    あなたは、ほとんどの場合、はるか nb minimus に、小売から少なくとも50%のお得な情報を見つけることが可能性が高く

    なりますープ、別のまた、あなたは主な機能電話帳を行うために以下の検索作業で、あなたは時計の種類を見つけることが保証されます仕様、そして、あなたが探してができて

    adidas パーカー /目覚まし時計/電卓/ストップウォッチ/スケジュール仕様動作周波数

    ワークの頻度

    長持ちするよう 時計 ブランド ランキング に作られた何かがに能力を破壊し

    ませんが、私は音楽を聴くことができるので、本当に嬉しいですし、全体的な明瞭さは、時間を伝えるとともヘルプの子供ではありませんが、時計の顔の周りに特殊なマーカーを持って

    いるいくつかのスタイルがあります子どもたちは数字が柔軟性とバンドの質感について読ん役立つこと、ソフト可鍛性材料は皮膚を損傷する可能性が低いので、また、あなたの検索

    靴 メンズ を分類することができますので、新しい懐中時計、腕時計を検索することがで

    きるようになります、材料によって、および価格範囲などで、順番に、そしてあなたよって興味み結果を得るために検索をローカライズすることは子供のための安価な時計を購入する際

    に頻繁に逃しているポイントの一つワークブーツ です

  • young

    What if the person you are angry with doesn’t care about your feelings and everyday they continue to try and hurt them and they know exactly how to do that? How then would I deal with my anger in that? I can’t explain my feelings to that person because they simply don’t care and will make fun of me if I try to explain my feelings. I also live with this person and they demand respect, yet they don’t respect me and I can’t speak to that person without them bringing up a secret that they know I don’t like to talk about and they continue to talk about it, even after I say “Ok can we stop talking about this?”

  • young

    What if I am afraid to say no because my brother always argues with me after I say no and makes fun of me in a public place even days after the argument. He holds very long grudges. He also knows an embarrassing secret of mine that he threatens to exploit.

  • hi

    i have a little sister of my own who is very annoying and sometimes she gets so annoying it starts to make me angry and i stay like that for the rest of the day. anyways i will take this advise to see if anything gets any better

  • Molly

    I’m currently angry lol, and i think that this article is very great. :)

  • ajay

    smug mac users make me angry

  • Braige Putoone

    We love you Lori; sometimes people annoy me and we really needed you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you so much, Braige. I’m glad to know I help. =)

  • ThoughtOnBoarder

    Or just buy a ThoughtOnBoard™ and tell people what you really think! http://thoughtonboard.com/

  • Leverne

    I feel so angry because I am leaving very important life matters in another person’s hands (a.k.a my mother) and things are not working out the way I want to. She’s doing whatever she wants without taking into consideration how it affects my life. It’s like she doesn’t get that it’s such a big deal to me or she’ll say one thing and then change her mind and do something else without saying anything. I want to go to step A, and she’ll keep procrastinating and pushing it until I’m all the way at step E even though it’s imperative for me to be at step A. I’ll make concessions and try not to get upset but every time we resolve it, she changes her mind again and we’re back at square one. I cannot do the thing myself and there’s no other person to help me. We might agree to settle on step C but then by the time I go to bed and wake up she’s decided we’re on step Z. It just makes me so mad because I’ve been trying so hard not to be upset but when I explain myself she just blows up in my face. There isn’t really a right or wrong answer to the solution but if it was something she needed to do or a deadline she was going to miss, it would have gotten done first thing.
    But I’m going to try now I guess to not explode and lash out even though her actions are hurting me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Leverne,

    I’m sorry to hear about this stressful situation with your mother. I can understand why this would be upsetting, since it sounds like it’s hard to get and stay on the same page–and she’s not being rational when you try to talk to her. I don’t have any specific advice–just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope things improve!

    Lori

  • Sydney

    This was extremely helpful. I was so pissed before I read this, but now I feel fine.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it helped, Sydney!

  • Friendly Guest :)

    I would very much appreciate it if you could answer this particular context:
    I have a classmate who enjoys/ has a unchangeable habit of purposely making others feel bad by contradicting what they say/ say bad things (not vulgar or bad names though, it’s just in a rude tone that wants to make people feel bad). Many friends are pissed at her but she still has some close friends (which I don’t even know why!).

    What should I do each time when she cuts in and gives comments which are very hurtful? Am I really being that sensitive (I’m not the only one affected btw)? And also she admits that she is an insulting person but she just can’t change and wouldn’t allow us to help change. But push that aside, I desperately need advice on should I counter her words/ keep calm and lamely smile/ say that “I need to go” and walk off? Thank you so much!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with. This classmate sounds like she’s dealing with some of her own issues, otherwise she wouldn’t feel this need to cut others down in this way. You may find want to check out this post:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-negative-people-or-difficult-people/

    it offers some tips to deal with someone who’s negative, difficult, or critical. I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Friendly Guest :)

    Sorry to disturb again but what if she has no outside problems, but instead it’s just a problem with herself?
    Also she has this clique (but there’s no leader or whatsoever just a bunch of good friends) and they also tease each other, sometimes being physically violent or even insulting each other, but they don’t care and treat the insults like it’s for fun. How is it that some people can withstand it and mix with her while my group of friends+classmates and I can’t? Is it because those peeps are too close so they can treat each other anyhow? Even I don’t treat my good friend that way 0.o
    Thanks so much :’)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    How do you know she doesn’t have any outside problems? And what do you mean by “It’s just a problem with herself”?

    As for how they treat each other, it sounds like they seem to think it’s all in good fun, whereas it may seem more insulting and personal when she’s rude to you and your friends.

  • Friendly Guest :’(

    We used to be very close friends (no need to probe further please) and she hasn’t said any outside problems. Her attitude has all along been like this and even adults have noticed it (like teachers).
    Like I said, I am simply considering factors of this behaviour and wondering how I can react to different situations, as such I stated the word “if”.
    I would also like to define “problem with herself” as something to do with her character, thus in this case, her (what seems to me) occasional rudeness.
    Oh and just to let this out from myself, when she questions my comment (because she thinks that it is wrong) how should I react? Usually I feel hurt not because I take it like it’s an insult (i don’t), but because I feel that her tone is not like she wants to kindly give others a chance to correct themselves on what they said which might not be logical, but instead it’s like she wants to make people feel bad for themselves and think that she’s right. I know this because my other close friends and I feel this way. :)
    Btw, I believe they don’t treat it like it’s all in good fun because their facial expressions show that they’re a bit hurt. But could it be because they want to hang out with each other for the sake of friendship?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    My question wasn’t intended to probe into your personal business. I was just trying to point out there’s really never a way to know someone else’s issues. Almost everyone has their own fears, insecurities, and pain. And usually when someone is difficult or critical, it’s because they are hurt in some way and either haven’t acknowledged it or don’t know what to do about it.

    If I were in your shoes, I would try not to take it personally when she is rude, but I would also express my feelings about it. I’d let her know it bothers me when she corrects things I say, and if she continues to do it, I would try to accept that I can’t control what she does. I can only control how I respond to it (meaning how personally I take it, how long I dwell on it, how often I talk about it instead of letting it go, etc). Also, I’d try to minimize the time I spend around her.

    I know this is all much more easily said than done–it usually is! But it’s one of those things that gets easier with practice.

    I hope this helps a little bit more!

    Lori

  • SUKU

    This is some VERY GOOD information. THANKS because it REALLY has HELPED me.

  • HI

    DIDNT HELP AT ALL

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Oscar Williams

    Read holy like and hear about the buddha to over come the anger

  • Candice Major

    I really needed this. People so often disrespect me because they think I’m too young or I’m too weak. Through the years, I thankfully have learned how not to be disrespectful to them in return. But I have noticed that things have taken it’s toll on me. The anger gets so bottled up inside and it slowly ruins me, and only me. So thank you a whole lot. You don’t have any idea how this would help me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped!

  • Anonymous

    To practice mindfulness, allow yourself to feel your emotions pass through you, without acting upon them. The most discernable effects of emotions are physical; if you can calm the body and quench the fire of an emotion, you can view it for what it is: not much at all.

  • A S

    hmmm… nice

  • Smith
  • anger

    I’m still angry and wanna kill the world but that thought justs makes me angry

  • Kokot

    FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

    That helps.

  • Kartums Pokes

    So hard not to flip out sometimes…. This really helps thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it was helpful to you!

  • A random person

    My boyfriends grandparents are getting a divorce and he said he doesn’t feel comfortable with seeing people around New Years. But he is having a party at his house. I tried to ask what his grandparents had to do with seeing me. Then he said his parents were the ones to invite the people. And that he had no choice. I’m really upset with him. Because I want our new year to be good. But I feel like I’m being a jerk to him. I just want to see him and have a good years start. Please answer.

  • Shay

    Nice article…makes arguing seem minute and petty…thanks…much needed.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Maybe he meant that he’s embarrassed to have people around his family because things are awkward, given your grandparents’ impending divorce.

    Have you asked him about getting together on New Year’s day? I know it’s not quite the same, but if his family’s going through a hard time, he would likely appreciate a little space to deal with that–and you’d still be able to start the year together.

    If he says no to seeing each other the next day, then that might be a sign he’s not being 100% truthful about why he doesn’t want to spend New Year’s Eve with you.

    But if you care about him and have no reason to believe that would be the case, then I say give him the benefit of the doubt!

  • Krueger

    This is really lovely and helpful. Thank you very much!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://www.facebook.com/astie.babez Astie Babez

    I wish I could be more like you.

  • loganlokey

    Wow this helped me a lot thx Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Anonymous

    Your brother sounds like a cunt. If you have a cunt relative, forcing them to be unable to see you can make them see that maybe they have been a cunt, and after a year or two, they will almost *beg* you to come back into their life; the funny part is that you may not be bothered to let them back in, and be better off for it. Make no mistake whatsoever, Internet: there are people in your life right now, as you read this, who are holding you back, making you feel badly over and over again, and it’s because it is a pattern. You see it, they instigate it; they won’t see it as you do, and if it never harms them, then they will never care to stop harming you. Fuck prick cunts and fuck their prick cunt hearts.

  • samantha

    I some times get angry over nothing and I lash out

  • CBark

    Thank you, this is really great.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Shilpz

    Very nice n true I learned a lot from this thanx for writing

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • heaven

    My mom will not let me go to a camp fire. I’m SOOO angry

  • emily

    theres this girl and shes really mean,prisy,and ugly

  • Amy DjTurkey Rouse

    I’m a very stubborn person. I always get irrationally angry at people. But, to be fair, I have a lot of mental health problems and they’re pretty severe. Still, I do regret some of the things I say. I rant quite a lot and I always put at the bottom that it’s not meant to offend anyone and I’m just getting my point across. I try and be as considerate as possible. This article is wonderful, by the way. :) I always find that writing gets it out best!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean, Amy. It can be tough to catch those angry reactions before saying something we regret. But I think being aware and trying is half the battle. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

    Lori

  • MTB

    If anybody ever feels sad, or unwanted, they should think, you know what, they just want my attention, I love myself the way I am, and beautiful in my own way. We are all equal under god’s eyes, except for what you do, or what your intentions are.

  • Ali

    Hi, the article was really useful for me and I thought it was great but I would really appreciate if you could help with my problem!
    Recently, a really good friend of mine got really upset when I playfully teased her of liking this guy. I had no intention of hurting her nor did I know she would react this way but I thought we were close enough for her to share her problem to me. So she started telling a lot of people about things that I never did, spreading rumours about me and blew the situation out of proportion. I don’t know what to do what to do, whether I should just blank her and ignore her, end the friendship that we had or just wait for her to make the first move. She really hurt me as I thought we were good friends.
    Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ali,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened. Have you talked to your friend about this? I didn’t see that as one of the options you’re considering. In my experience, the best way to solve an issue like this is to go directly to the source and talk things through!

    Lori

  • Anonympus

    It is best to need and value as little as possible. Needs and values are inevitably become demands with which we saddle our entitlement on the world. Needs especially, are irrelevant beyond food/water/clothing/shelter/etc.

  • nothing

    :(

  • Celia

    If you’re afraid of him making fun of you, just try not to let it get to you. If he tries to and you don’t react, soon enough he will stop. Think about what he says and decide on whether or not it is true. If it’s not, then you don’t need to pay it any mind, and if it is true, think about your own perspective on what he’s saying. Do you have a reason? Do you think you have a problem with whatever he’s critisizing? Is what he’s saying important? Ask yourself questions like that.
    Even if the upsetting words he says are true, just remember good things about yourself and think about the reality of the situation. Someone I knew used to make fun of me for liking anime and playing my flute as a Band Geek. I’d just tell him I was a geek and proud, but I still felt hurt. After some thought, I realized that his opinion didn’t matter and that as long as I was happy with who I was, his opinion didn’t matter. It’s my life not his. Just be yourself. If you don’t want to do something, you shouldn’t have to feel afraid of his words. Live your life how you choose.
    And if you’re afraid of him telling that embarrassing secret, think about the secret. Is it really that important? Is it something important in your eyes, but something other people wouldn’t really think about for long? Some embarrassing things are embarrassing to you but not a big deal to others. If it’s really that important, but it’s most likely not, get some dirt on him and tell him that you’ll reveal one of his secrets if he tells yours. Not the most mature thing to do, and it would be best to just bluff, but it shouldn’t be that important. It’s just an embarrassing secret rather than life or death. Who knows? You might even feel better if the secret is put out there for everyone to know, so that he can’t use it as leverage. If you’re the one who says it, you’ll still have the pride of being able to admit it. If you tell people, you can feel stronger and others will be sure to admire that confidence. If they don’t, you are hanging out with the wrong people. Good luck.

  • Borfu

    Can you stop talking about your boyfriend so much? Jeez, this article is better suited to women with relationshit issues. Yeah, this article doesn’t relate to guys at all.

  • http://www.dickface.com Dick Face

    This did not help me at all!! Thanks for the useless sugesstions

  • Hound

    This is going to be quite long..
    Growing up I was happy, until I got bullied because of my weight. Never cried, never showed emotion & actually laugh at the jokes at time- it did mess with my confidence. It went on until senior year when I got in shape, & started going out to parties & messing with girls; A year later I got in an argument with my best friend, & just shut down all contact with every friend.
    I got fat again, got no friends,no job, haven’t talked to anybody not in my family for 2 years. I’ve been in my house for 2years not doing anything but eating & playing video games.

    My Anger:
    In the last 2 years, my brothers bring over their loser friends that spend all day at my house and I’m stuck in my room 8 hours angry at them for not leaving and mostly at my dumbass brothers who know I don’t go out when unknown people are in my house. My brothers are packed mules(they can’t do anything without their friends) they have a very weird sense of thought(like those emo people talking about nonsense). I’m losing it.. I guarantee I’ve spent 80days stuck in my room mad, I’ve punch holes in my wall, I talk to myself and lost some much emotion that I don’t fear death,anybody and actually want to kick my brothers ass & all their nerd friends at the sametime.

    That’s what I’m going through.. I left out painful deaths during that time, just because.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I was also bullied growing up, and I know it’s not easy to heal from that pain.

    I know it may seem like your brother is the problem, but it seems to me there are two different issues here:

    -First, the boundary issue–that your brother isn’t respecting the boundary you set
    -Second, the fact that you are shutting down in response

    So it seems like you’ll need a two-part solution to this. If it’s your house alone, meaning your brother is not your roommate, could you change the locks? I know that seems extreme, but if he’s not respecting your boundary, he’s left you with no other choice.

    Next, can you make an effort to get out of your house more often? If your brother is your roommate, then it stands to reason he will have people at the house at times. Even if you don’t feel comfortable socializing with them, you could find things to do that get you out of the house. (This way, you’re focusing on what you can control, as opposed to what you can’t.)

    As someone who formerly isolated myself, I know this isn’t easy–but perhaps you could find a place or hobby you enjoy. For me, that was yoga. Are there any things you formerly enjoyed doing that you could start doing again? Are there any parks, community centers, or other spots where you could start spending some time? Are there any friends you could visit during some of the times when your brother has company?

    And if all of this seems too much, would you consider seeing a therapist to dig deeper into the pain behind all of this? Therapy was life saving for me, and I highly recommend it.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Ky

    I think this is bullshit. Sometimes people are hella fucked up to you. Im tired of trying to think what I could do better. I do too much already and the other person is an asshole.

  • Ky

    must be nice. My relationships are fighting the whole entire time.

  • Deathman

    I effin hate life right now.

  • Serena

    I sometimes can be a bit harsh when I am angry or when someone has disappointed me. How can I prevent that?

  • Estharon

    This article was written years ago. Today, I typed “I’m so annoyed” into google, and the first hit took me here. Admittedly, most of what I read here wasn’t new to me. However, it made me reflect on it, and if I’m actually using that knowledge. Outcome? Not as often as I should, which is always. I’d like to thank you for reminding me to make better use of that wisdom, even when it’s very hard to do so sometimes. Especially then, i guess.

    P.S. This post originally contained a short rant about what keeps annoying me about my friends as well as mankind in its entirety. I deleted it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Serena,

    I’ve been there before, and I know it’s not easy to overcome that knee-jerk reaction.

    This is something that’s really helped me: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/think-before-reacting-use-mental-pause-button/

    I hope it helps you too!

    Lori

  • Christie McDaniel Noll

    I loved this thanks.. But what if yoi tried all of this and nothing worked

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you enjoyed it! What do you mean by “nothing worked”?

  • darren white

    Thank you for another great article on this great site anger use to be a big problem for me internally and externally but ever since i got into mediation and reading great article on this site i am able to deal with the feelings of anger much better

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you!

  • Lilly

    This really hasn’t helped me because I am still really annoyed, still good advice though and it will help lots of people

  • http://dbakeca.com Dbakeca Italia

    nice tips

  • kavin paker

    I’m still angry and wanna kill the world but that thought justs makes me angry
    Alpen hotel

  • Struggle

    I have tried this so many times over and over with the same two people. Eventually I got tired of them telling me it was wrong to do something that I had a sane reason for doing, even when they are hypocrites they just will not stop bothering me with the same sentence over and over. I was calm but eventually I just lost it because I’ve been keeping my calm about it forever.

  • http://www.chinabiohacker.com/ Randy

    Hi Lori, this article is one of the better ones that I’ve come across on the topic. Useful tips indeed. I detail my own struggle and ways I manage anger here: http://www.chinabiohacker.com/blog/hacking-anger-management-temper

  • Katerina
  • Katerina

    Thank you for your guide, it really helped me out. I’m gonna go write in my journal and sort things out :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped. =)

  • T

    So I have made a sincere effort in conversing with this person through the most non aggressive channel, email. However, this person has responded by completely blaming someone or something else for her flaws or shortcomings and even said to be fair to me, she has been rather impatient because her husband has similar negative traits. Now this was her peace offering after I addresses my issues with her. I feel this hasnt been resolved and this is probably the last straw for me. ANy help on how to overcome this anger I have towards her? She runs in the same circle of friends and does a great job of manipulating emotions. I am having an extremely hard time focussing on the things I want to focus on and also trying to keep my emotions in check when she is around.

  • howard

    well said….

  • shit

    kill kill kill

  • dead

    kill murder mmmmm!

  • rajan

    Dear Devotees,
    so kind of you all this is a great help -thanks,
    i have a peculiar problem if someone praises me i totally surender him or her blindly accept his commands and follow them love blindly but when i realise they betray me or back of me they talk bad of me or play games with me i become angry and more harsh that i beat myself and hit myself and shout myself about my flaws and bad things and try to defend myself that i m still good and others are bad i dont accept my flaws or mistakes or even if m not at mistakes i dont just let go because i feel m put ZERO and if we dont defend then will be the same forever ,can you help me please

  • rajan

    Someones bad words stick to my heart and i react to it showing that person be happy now i punish myself so that u be happy by seeing me in trouble m not at calm and always a burning with anger and envyness or fear factor .